Original Tale. THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF CHRISTOPHER CONGLETON.

Otago Witness, Issue 554, 12 July 1862, Page 7

Original Tale.

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF CHRISTOPHER CONGLETON.

CHAPTER XII. I MARE THE ACQUAINTANCE OT A GOOD WOMAN. In an out of the way corner in an old, tumble-down, desolate, part of London, where everything thereon and thereabout appeared to have been rotting away for a century, and was slowly and persistently crumbling into dust, a melancholy ami disreputable looking inn eked out an existence, in spite of the miserable concomitants Avith which it Avas surrounded. It was a Avrctchedly-built inn, being erected in defiance of all known architectural rules ; it Avas a dilapidated inn, for loose bricks had tumbled out of its wall?, causing them to Avear a pock-marked appearance on a large scale; it was an ill-treated and persecuted inn, for the very A\ind owed it a grudge, and, Avhen it Avas in a bid temper, rumbled round its Avails in a threatening manner, and jerked and buffetted them till they trembled Avith apprehension : and yet it was a cozy inn, and, despite all these disheartening drawbacks, wore Avithin an air of cheerfulness and comfort. Not that it could have derived the smallest particle of a cheerful sensation from the outside prospect, which consisted, for the chief part, of the mudchoked banks of the River Thames, tastefully decorated Avith the remains of all the dead cats and dogs (divested of their skins) Avhich had met their deaths in the neighborhood by either natural or violent means for the last twelve months. The buildings round about the Good Woman (for such Avas the designation of the inn in question) Avere not a whit less melancholy-looking than their neighbor, and had about them a mouldy and umvholesome appearance calculated, in the most decided manner, to impress upon the mind of any person at all hypochondriacally inclined, the desirability of immediately throwing himself into the dirty river that ran sluggishly close by. On the walls of the inn Avas a faded painting, typical of its name ; and if to be a Good Woman it is necessary for a female to be without her head, no one can be found avlio would desire to quarrel with the truthfulness of the picture. It Avas, hoAvever, impossible for the finest judge of paintings to have declared unhesitatingly the sex of the individual exhibited in faded colors on the Avails; b:ing desitute of that most necessary apex to the human frame, a head, its sex could not be ascertained from the cut of its jib. It may, nevertheless, reasonably be inferred that it Avas a female, from the floAving dress and the Avords " Good Woman," immediately above it, and being minus its head, it is not at all improbable that this must be a type of rare excellence in the feminine sex, entitling all in that situation to the appellation Good. These confusing facts must have considerably added to the gloom of any right-minded individual, avlio might, by a concatenation of unforeseen circumstances, be throAvn into the neighborhood of this dismal creature, who could not by any possibility j render herself agreeable, and, indeed, could not reasonably be expecled to do so in such a situation. But even this prospect Avithout did not diminish the coziuess within. On the night of its introduction to the reader, the bar parlor of the Good Woman was occupied by a company Avho, if they Avere not choice, Avere at all events cheerfully inclined, and who drank the beer from thur pewters, and smoked their long pipes, as if they derived considerable gratification from the operation. The company, for the most part, consisted of laborers employed in the neighboring Avarehouses, and in the barges on the river. My appearance among them may be easily accounted for, and, as it concerns myself, deserves a paragraph entirely to itself.

The fire, which had reduced Mr. Sharpies' house to a heap of ruins, had entirely disconcerted my plans. Having by chance obtained possession of a newspaper which contained an account of the lamentable catastrophe as the penny-a-liners termed it, I learned therefrom that, with the exception of part of the watch belonging to Mr. Sharpies, who was burned in the conflagration, not a single thing had been saved. All chance of recovering my lost identity was in my opinion lost, and a week after the events recorded in the last chapter had taken place, I found myself, as stated above, friendless and almost penniless in the "bar parlor of the Good Woman. I started from Samuel's house with twenty shillings in my pocket — ten of which had been left for me by Minnie, and the other ten forced upon ms by Samuel, out of the sovereign Mr. Q:iarry had deposited on the table. Samuel at first insisted upon my taking the whole sovereign, but I w,is fully determined not to do so, knowing the charge I had been upon his light purse ; and it was not until I threatened to run away without anything that we came to a compromise, and divided it between us. I was extremely economical, and reckoned upon my money lasting me for four weeks. I had walked about the streets for two days, looking in all the shop windows to try and discover if the owners wanted a boy, but had as yet been unsuccessful in my search. One place had rather bewildered me. It was a very small window, by the side of which was a very large black board, on which was wafered the most amazing temptations to all persons in want of situations. The first announcement I read was, Wanted a Gardener for a Gentleman's Family. Must have an unexceptionable Moral Character. Apply within. The first question I asked myself was, would I do for a gardener? The second question I asked myself was, did I think my moral character unexceptionable ? I wa3 dubious on both points, and laid aside the Gardener for future consideration. The next announcement I read was, Wanted a Cook. High Church. It needed not the last sentence to induce me to discard the Cook. Not that I understood it. JBut it was very evident to me that I "was not in possession of the necessary qualification. The next announcement I read was, Wanted a Groom. Must be smart and active. Seven stone. Apply within. I hesitated at first over seven stone. Then I remembered that it might apply to the weight of the groom, and that a stone was fourteen pounds. Seven fourteens was ninety-eight. Did I weigh ninety-eight pounds? I went directly away to a bye-street, and having discovered a most mysterious-looking shop, wherein was exhibited very small modicum of coals, and a very large pair of scales to weigh them in, I considered that this was a most likely place to solve the problem. Walking timidly into the shop, and contemplating with considerable wonder a few scattered bunches of turnips and carrots exposed for sale on the top of the coals, 1 knocked upon the scales with a pound weight, and waited for the reply. The reply came in the shape of a woman with a coaly face and an immense bonnet, who enquired Now then? It was not until this

query was put] to me that I properly understood the daring nature of my mission. I was debating this in my mind when, as it were, I was suddenly pulled up short with Xow 'then, what do .you Avant ? The vegetables meeting my gaze at this moment, I gladly seized upon them as the means of getting me out of my difficulty, and asked how much a bunch was her turnips ? The woman with the coaly face aad the immense bonnet answered, a penny, "\d forced a bunch of them upon me in the most decided manner. While in the act of pa}dng for them, I remarked, in an off-hand manner, what did they weigh now? Receiving no satisfactory reply, I offered a halfpenny if she would weigh me, whereupon she took me in her arms with the greatest ease, and laying me with some difficulty across the scales, presently threw me off as if I were a sack of coals, with the words Half a

hundred quarter a hundred fourteen pound seven pound three pound and a half, uttered in a rapid business way. Perceiving by her eye that the job was done, although I Avas not at all satisfied in my mind as to the result, I paid her three halfpence, and picking up my turnips, directed my steps back to the black board. Arrived there, I Avas debating the advisability of applying for the groom's situation, when I bethought myself that if I entered Avith a bunch of turnips in my hand, my chance of obtaining it avouUl be considerably damaged. So I packed them as closely as ] could under my jacket, and boldly entering the little office, a =kod did they want a groom ? The answer I received was, Half -a -crown. This reply being of a ducidedly perplexing character, I repeated the question, and Avas again met with, Ililf-a-crown. Understanding this to be the charge for entering the office^ I pulled out half-a-croAvn, and laid it upon the counter with the conviction that the price Avas exhorbitant, but that there was no getting out of it. I then received the ansAver to my twice-put question. A groom wm Avanted. Was I smart and actiA-e ? Oh yes, I confidently replied. Did I understand horses ? Not very well, I said, but I Avas Avilling to learn. A dubious shake of the head here considerably damped my exuberant anticipations, and I was informed that they did not think I Avould suit, but that I might call again the next day. Perceiving no movement; on the part of the man avlio had taken my money to return it, I Avalked sloAvly aAvay with the idea that there Avas something wrong somewhere. The bunch of turnips caused me considerable uneasiness, as the green tops in spite of my most strenuous exertions insisted upon making their appearance below my jacket,causing to look as if I had round my Avaist a portable market garden in a flourishing condition. I Avas at this time in Cannon-street, and turning off into one of the quit bye-lanes, I Avalked doAvn till I came to the river, Avhere I soon found a convenient place to set down and partake of a sumptuous turnip lunch. I Avas munching aAvay with some relish Avhen I suddenly bocame conscious that I Avas being observed, and, raising my eyes, encountered the gaze of an individual Avith a pale and somewhat dissipated looking face. The individual in question appeared as if he had not been in bed for a fortnight at least, and his attitude Avas decidedly unsteady. Notwithstanding, he contemplated me with a studious air, and Avith an expression upon his countenance as if he Avere enjoying the spectacle about him. There Avas something so comical about him that I did not feel at all uneasy, and notwithstanding my own anxious position, I could not resist a smile stealing over my face. '" That's right, my boy," he said, good Immorally, " laugh and cjrow fat." And 'as he laughed, I thought I Avas in duty bound to laugh with him. "My name's Whiteberry," he presently said, " and I'm on the spree."

Which assertion he substantiated by an oscillatory movement of his body, as if he' Avere about to fall on the top of me.

" I'm on the spree," he repeated, " and I glory in it. Anything that a party does upon principle is a credit to the party concerned. Ergo, as I'm on the spree on principle, it is creditable to me as a human being. Be kind enough to contradict me, and tell me it isn't."

I ventured to hint that [ did not wish to contradict him, and that I dared say he Avas perfectly right. Whereupon he gloomily observed.

" It is Avell for you, mysterious turnip-eat-ing animal, that you do not contradict me. For if there is one thing in this Avorld I'm strong in, it is argument. I could crush you like" (and here he looked about him for a simile, and meeting with nothing suitable, took a handful of air, and clenched it tight) "like that. How potent is man!" he exclaimed, with a look of considerable humor ; "he resolves to go on the spree, and he goes and does it."

He spoke in a bantering voice, as if he knew he was talking nonsense, and took a delight in it. "I have just observed," he continued, " that my name is Whiteberry. Mysterious and saturnine youth, Avhat is yours ?" This was the first time I had been asked Avhat my name Avas, since an inquest had been held upon me, and I hesitated someAvhat before I answered—" Christopher Congleton." Immediately he received this piece of information he spelt, Avith a rapidity of utterance quite amazing, " C-h-r-i-s, Chris, with a Chris, t-o, to, Avith a to, Avith a Christo, p-h-e-r, pher, Avith a pher, Avith a topher, with a Christopher ; C-o-n, con, Avith a con, with a phercon, Avith a tophercon, with a Christophercon, g-l-e, gle, with a gle, Avith a congle, with a phercongle, with a tophercongle, Avith a christophercongle, t-o-n, ton, with a ton, Avith a gleton, Avith a congleton, with a phercongleton, Avith a tophercongleton, Avith a christophercongleton." Having achieved which feat he laughed aloud, and then inquired^ " Who are you ?" 1 could not answer. " Who's your father and mother ?"' I told him I did not have any. " Where do you live ?" I replied, nowhere. He gazed at me for a few moments Avith considerable curiosity, and did not speak until I said, please could he get me a situation ? "What sort of a situation now?" he asked. I replied humbly that I did not care what it Avas ; that I Avas very poor, and very willing to Avork ; and I Avould pay him back for his kindness at the very first opportunity. At the conclusion of Avhich appeal he made a movement as if he Avere about to crush me, and then, taking my hand, led ma into the bar parlor of the Good Woman, Avhere we passed the afternoon in silence. Mr. Whiteberry drank so many tots of gin, and smoked so many pipes, thatAvhen evening arrived he Avas very drunk indeed. On entering the inn, he had ordered a slice of bread and meat for me, which occupied me a long time. That being gone, I leaned my head against the wall, and fell fast asleep When I awoke, I found the room filled, as previously stated, Avith a motly company, talking and discussing Avith great vavacity. Mr. Whiteberry, although very drunk, engrossed the attention of his hearers with his argumentative powers, Avhich Avere evidently as great as he had described them to be. lie was still asserting the supremacy of man, and the distinct right he had of getting drunk if he pleased. One of the company, a man with pink eyes, and no eyelids in particular, had ventured to contradict him, and Whiteberry bad risen to his feet, the more effectually to g'iA r e force to his words.

" My distinguished and honorable friend," he said, with rather a thick articulation, " denies my right to get drunk if I please. If I have not the right to do as I please, Avhat have I a right to do ? In the first place, can he tell me that ? The pink-eyed individual could not tell him that. " I thought so," exclaimed Mr. Whiteberry triumphantly. "I could if I Avished accept that answer as a complete refutation to his assertion. But I Avill not. I Avill prove to him, by argument incontrovertible, that I have a perfect right to get drunk. For what reason are we sent into this Avorld ? Not to make our-

selves miserable and unhappy, but to do all we can to render our existence as comfortable as possible ? What renders a man miserable and

unhappy ? Not to 1)2 able to do as he pleases. What renders him happy and comfortable ? To do as he pleases. This morning the resolve entered my mind that I would go upon the spree, and make a day of it. I have gone upon the spree, and I huoe made a day of it. Not only, my worthy boon companions, have I gratified myself by carrying out tUat resg-

lution, but I have also established a distinct claim to your admiration for so doing. For have I not asserted, in my own person, the supremacy of human nature ? I made a resolution. 'I have carried out that resolution inflexibly. By that act I have, as it Avere, in my own person, asserted the nobility of yoir natures, and for tint act [ demand your esteem and admiration."

It surprised me very much at the time, that a man so drunk as he was could express himself as intelligibly. But my after experience of him proved, that what would completely fuddle another man's intellect had not the slightest effect upon his.

The pink-eyed individual did not appear so convinced at Mr. Whiteberry's arguments as the rest of the company, aud muttered that it Avas not A r ery creditable to human nature for a man to got beastly drunk. Eyeing him severely, Mr. Whiteberry said. " Does my obtuse frienl mean to assert that I am beastly drunk ?"

No. His obtuse friend did not exactly refer to him.

" What, sir ! exclaimed Mr. Whiteberry. ft Are 3'ou. in addition to your other disgraceful observations, guilty also of prevarication ? Sir, you did refer to me ! And I do not shrink from the accusation. True, 1 am drunk. ' The very head and front of my offending hath this extent ; no more.' But beastly drunk ! Sir, I treat the unmanly insinuation with scorn. If [ A^ere beastly drunk, could I exercise that noble quality of mercy, which, as a certain immortal bard hath said, ' droppeth as the gentle rain from bcaA'en upon the place beneath ?" (Great applause and ringing of glasses, ns this was uttered with a thcatiical air). "That quality I have exercised to-day. Behold this youth !" (Every eye Avas instantly turned upon m»). " I found him. a waif in the mighty surge of this mighty city" (sensation) '-eating turnips— turnips in their raw state— for his dinner. I instantly resoh'ed to take him under the shelter of my Aving. I have done so. Ido not say this for self-glorification, but to acquit myself of a fake charge. I shall befriend this youth. It is possible that, humblo as I am," (Cries of No, no.") I repeat, it is possible that, humble as I am, the little I slull be able to do for him will conA r ert into a respectable citizen one avlio, perhaps, would otherwise have been one of the pariahs of society. Where do you get your flourishing merchants from ? From the ranks of respectable citizens, I believe. Where do you get your sheriffs from ? From the ranks of flourishing merchants, I belicA'e. Where do you get your Lord Mayors from? From the ranks of your sheriffs. " Therefore, I say, it is probable" that, at no future date, this youth may be Lord Mayor of London in consequence of my being drunk, and asserting the AA'onderful supremacy of mankind. I ask, could such a result spring from a man avlio was beastly drunk ? (Cries of "certainly not") Thank you, T am not beastly drunk, and the indiA'idiuil avlio called me so is a liar."

Upon Avhich the speaker received upon his nasal organ a pewter pot, hurled by the hands of the irate individual Avith pink eyes. A scene of great confusion ensued which resulted in all the company being turned out of the Good Woman, Avith thu exception of myself and Mr. Whiteberry. The lights being turned off, the landlord gave me an old horse rug, aud told me 1 might lay down on the parlor floor for the night, and availing myself of his offer, I was soon fast asleep.