Public Instruction and Amusement.

Otago Witness, Issue 305, 3 October 1857, Page 5

Public Instruction and Amusement.

It is proposed, we understand, that several members of the Provincial Council should deliver a series of public lectures during the evenings of the ensuing session. Some of these lectures will be calculated to exhibit the admirable working of several of the Ordinances heretofore enacted, and of course prove the singular sagacity and forethought of the lawmakers of Otago. Others being from members of the supposable Opposition, will make a complete expose of the artifice, dodging, and political humbug which has obtained during the past year, especially on election and registration occasions. No doubt the whole will be interesting, and, if ably handled, amusing. The following, being a part of the programme, has fallen accidentally into our hands :—: — No. 1. — Responsible Government. — How to be understood. Hokey pokey king of Timbuctoo, the Czar of Russia, the Emperor of China, and the Sovereign of Great Britain, all responsible to their peoples, each to each other, therefore all governments equally good. Sound government best maintained by infinitesimal quantities of responsibility, and a people best governed by similar doses of laws, all public J officers, not even excepting the Provincial Surgeon, being adequately paid for their public services by an application of the same system. The lecturer will prove all this analytically, synthetical!}', and analogically, to the full satisfaction of every tm-thinking man.

No. 2. — On the Constitution or Pobxic Boards. — Syllabus : Conditions necessary to their healthy state and efficient working—Liability to enlargement of the heart— Unseemly excrescences and overgrown corpulence of the Education Board considered — A judicious application of the knife necessary — -Road Board in a very precarious state, nearly exhausted by ■ swallowing clay puddle and horse-traps— The Lecturer will enliven his lecture by readings verbatim et literatim from the speeches of the learned members of the General Board of Education — and a Board and Provincial Appointment Hand Book, alphabetically arranged, will be distributed to the audience gratis. No. 3. — Political Majchinery.— Elements and practice of public humbug — -Benefits of local institutions and local self-sustaining and governing powers. — Mills— A high-pressure grinding government — enormous waste of fuel by bungling engineers and ignorant millers.— Literary and scientific institutions. — Banks and banking, where everybody wants money and nobody has it. — Flour mills, not being wind ones. — As a wind-up the volatile lecturer will make an ascent in a flying machine, along with such of his hearers as may see fit to accompany him ; it is expected a good many will do so, and on their return to terra jirma, the aerial voyagers will dance the dance of Jump Jim, &c. No. 4. — Colonial Dijet for a Scotch Settlement. — The respective merits of Caledonian oatmeal porridge and Anglo plum pudding, and the proper proportions of each necessary for diet and the maintenance of a healthy state in the colony. A very important draft of an Ordinance on the subject will be read. No. 5. — Executive Antipodean-Perform-ances. — Practice of circumlocution, with specimens of lengthy and ingenious political explanations, innocent of all meaning, and explain^ ing nothing. — A method by Avhich members of an Executive, on a change of policy, may make a somersault into the middle of their next weak successors, of which clever practice the learned lecturer purposes to give an example in person. No. 6. — Public Defences. — Mode of repelling an invasion of the Northern Maories — Plan and specification of a fortified round tower, to be built on Church Hill for defence of the town and harbour ; to be garrisoned by the Town Board, by which certain parties purpose to turn that active body to some really useful account. Further particulars on a future occasion. Printed and published — where — when — how — and as often as the editor may think Jit.

Returning to "Parlitikel Life." — "I have recently given up all idea of women folks, and came back to parlitikel life. I am more at home in this Jine than in huntin' the fair sects. Aingils in pettikotes an' "kiss me quicks" ispurty to look at, an' gin in, but darn 'em, they are as slippery as. eels, and when you fish for 'em and get a bite, you somehow or other find yourself at the wrong end of the line ; they've cotched you. An' when you've stuffed 'em with peanuts, candy, and doggertipes, they'll throw you away as they would a cold 'tato. Leastwise, that's been my experience. But I've done with 'em now. The Queen of Sheber, the Sleepin' Beauty, Kleo-patry's Needle, Pompey's Pillar, and Lot's wife, with ai steam-engine to help 'em, couldn't tempt me. The very sight of a bonnet riles me all over.— Portland Transcript. Unexpected Retort. — An anecdote is told of Finney, the revivalist, and a canaller, to the following effect : — He was " holding forth" in Rochester, New York, and in walking along the canal one day, came across a boatman, who was swearing furiously. Marching up, he confronted him, and rather abruptly asked — " Sir, do you know where you are going?" The unsuspecting man innocently replied that he was going up the canal on the boat Johnny Sands. "No, sir, you are not," continued Finney. " You are going to hell faster than a canaf boat can carry you." The boatman looked at him with astonishment for a moment, and then returned the question — " Sir, do you know where you are going ?" " I expect to go to heaven." " No, sir ! you are going right into the canal!" And, suiting. the action to the word, he .took Finney in his arms, and tossed him into the murky waters, where he would have been drowned had not the boatman relented and fished him out. Kiss or JFight. — An American paper tells a story of a country party thus : — A stalwart young rustic, who was known as a formidable operator in a "free fight," had just married a blooming and beautiful country girl, only sixteen years of age, and the twain were at a party where a number of young folks of both sexes were enjoying themselves in the good old-fashioned pawn-playing " forfeits" style. Every girl in the room was called out and kissed except Mrs. 8., the beautiful young bride aforesaid, and although there was not a youngster present who was not dying to taste her lips, they were restrained by the presence of her herculean husband, who stood regarding the party with a. look 'of sullen dissatisfaction. They mistook the cause of his anger, however, for, suddenly rolling up his sleeves, he stepped into the middle of the room, and, in a tone of voice that at once secured marked attention, said :— -" Gentlemen, — I have, been noticing how things have been working here for some ;time, and t ain't half satisfied. I don't want to raise a fuss, hut:: " " What's the matter, John ?" inquired half-a-dozen voices'. " What do you mean ? Have we done anything- to hurt your feelings?" "Yes, you have ; all of you have hurt my feelings, and I've got just this'to. say about it — Heie's every gal in the room been kissed mighty riigh a dozen times apiece, and- there's my wife, who I consider a 9 likely as any of l em-, has not had a single one to-night-; and I just tell you now, if she don't get as many kisses" the balance of the time as any gal in the room, the man that slights her has got me to fight — that's all. Now, go ahead with your plays!" If Mrs. 8., was slighted during the balanie of the evening we did not know it. As for ourselves, we know John had no fault to find with . us individually for neglect on our part. ,'