Humour.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume XXII, Issue 1103, 16 November 1926, Page 4

Humour.

♦ The man who complains that the world isn't; giving him his due would probably be pained if it did. Salesman: Shirt, sir? Will you have a soft or a stiff front ? Customer : Soft, I think. The doctor said I must avoid starchy things. Hobbs; When it comes to an argument, a man generally gives m. Slobbs : Yes, but have you noticed that a woman seldom gives out ? Medical Professor: What is the result, young gentleman, wken a patient's temperature gets down as far as it can i Student : Why — er— he gets cold feet. Wife(dihing at Restaurant): John, dear, can you see what those people at the riext table are eating.? Husband : Can't see at all, but it sounds like c tilery. Guest : Delightful party you are having to-night, old fellow. Host : Yes, lam giving it to my wife. It is the seventh anniversary of her twenty-eighth birthday. Teacher : How many sexes are there ? Little Boy ; Three. Teacher : Three ! What are they 1 Little Boy : The maie sex, the female sex, and the injects. Teacher : Well, 'boys, I hope you will have a happy holiday, and come back to school with more brains. Boy (with great heartiness) : Thank you, sii, same to you. • Why does Brown go around so shabbily dressed?- Is he hard up? No, he's very prosperous. But he can't get a tailor m town to measure him. He's too ticklish. v Somebody wants to know why all the comic fellows should be so down on spring poets. Maybo it is beuaus . of jealousy — the bulk of spring poets are so excruciatingly funny, i Mother : Gome Willie, this is Miss D'Arcy, your new governess. Won't you give her a kiss 1 Willie: N — np ma, I'd rather not. Papa kissed her yesterday and she slapped him. Miss Homeleigh : Perhaps you won't believe it, but a strange man tried to kiss me once. Miss Cutting : Really % Well, he'd have been a strange man if he'd tried to kiss you twice. First lady ; Why, my dear, how nice your fox furs look ! One would almost think they were new. Second Lady (smiling): Oh, thank you! And your Persian lamb stole, too, looks just as good as it did years and years ago. Why did the elopement fall through ?' We had a signal arranged. She told me to come to her window and make a noise like a robin. I did so. Yes? Then her father popped out and made a noise like a shotgun, Employer (to his clerk) : Is it true that when the clock strikes six you put down your pen and go, even if you are m the middle of a word ! Clerk : Certainly not, sir. When it goes so near to six as that I never begin the word at all, Book Canvasser : In these volumes you have the whole sum of human knowledge m convenient form. Mr Meek : Thanks, it's no use to me. Book Canvasser : But your wife perhaps — Mr Meek : ' Ob, she knows it all already. Does my child ! inquired the parent, seem to have a natural bent m any one direction % Yes, sir, said the teacher. He gives every indicaticn of being a captain of industry some day. He- gets the other boys to do all his work for him.

" Name this child 2 " commanded the minister, preparing to baptize thq twins. The proud father threw out his chest. " George Lloyd Winston Asquith Roberts Baden-Powell Buller Carnegie Jones. " The minister gasped for second wind. " And the other." The meek, nervous, mother smootked the dress of the one she held, and m a scarcely audible voice answered, ••Maude."