FUNNIOSITIES.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume I, Issue 15, 9 August 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

The rain falls equally on the just and the unjust, but the unjust man generally has the just one's umbrella. A man who went to Rotorua for change and rest says he is quite satisfied ; the guides got his change, and his landlord the rest. Johnny : Pa, what' is an absolute monarchy ? Pa : Wait until you get married, my son, and ycu'U soon find out. Bessie : " I was surprised when Mr Dashleigh asked me to marry him." Tessie : '* Everybody else was 1" Mamma (at the breakfast table): "You always ought to use your napkin, Georgie." Georgie : "I am usin' it, mamma ; I've got the dog tied to the leg ol the table with it" " Naw, I ain't goin' ter hang up me Btockin's dis year. I done it las' year, and blamed if someone didn't steal !" Old Gentleman: "Are you sure you love my daughter, sir ?" Young Man : •• Well, if I don't, sir, she is the worst fooled girl m this town I" He : " Would you marry a foreigr nobleman ?" She: "No; not for love or money.' He : "Of couise not ; but woulc ycu marry one ?" Baboony : " Me boy, you look as i you had just stepped out of a fashion plate." Crimsonbeak : " That so ? I knev I had rheumatism, but I didn't sup pose'l Was affstiff as^that I" Mrs Kuddler : "Do you know George, that everybody pays tho babj is just like me?" Mr Kuddler : " Nonsense, Anne the baby is no more than six month! old, and it has never spoken a word.' Mr Gush (after the proposal) " And what can I give you, darling to seal the vows which have passec between us ?" Miss Giddy : " Well, George, don'l you think a sacque would be very nice ?" s TJT7: Dude (fo young ] a dy) : " How beautiful it must be for two congenial souls to wander hand m hand through life, and how sad it must be to live alone." Young Lady : " Why don't you buy a monkey from ono of these Italian organ-grinders ?" She: "There goes Harry. He said he was going to propose to her at four o'clock sharp. Do you think she accepted him ?*' Arthur : «' I think not. I called there at five minutes past four and he had gone." ."Well, you'll own she has got a pretty foot, won't you?" " Yes, Til grant you that ; but then it never made half so much impression on me as the old man's." She: "I like this place immensely since they have the new French chef." He (weak m his French, but generous to a fault) : « Waitah, bring chef for two." He : " I have three thousand a year. You could certainly live on that ?" She : •« Yes ; but, I should not like to see you starve." Crusty Bachelor: "There, that's Minerva, the Goddess of Wisdom. Sne hever.got married." Artf al Damsel : " No, but this is King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived. He wasn't a bachelor." Gentleman (calling at the house of a friend) : " Is your mistress m ?" Mary : " She is, sur." Gentleman : " iashe engaged ?" Mary: "Faith, she's more than hat— she's married.* " I've'' got a notion to knock you into the mi<Ule of next week," growled the belligerent persou.'' "Go ahead,*' said the other man. " I've got a date with the dentist for next Saturday*" " Are you still taling painting lessons, Mam 'e ?" "• ISo, I gu t ye. terdxy ; I don'Uike my teacher," "Why not?" "He has en ha disagreeable way of talking. He told me that if I kept on for some time Ionger» ; I might be able to whitewash a fence. ** I can't see," said the visitor, "why you Lave your genealogical chart hung so high. Such things are | extremely* interesting, but no one ecn examine it where it is." Here Mr Porcine took him gently by the arm and led him into the library, where they could be alone. " Mrs Porcine," he explained, « was ! bound to have one of them things, and ! as we didn't have one right handy, I just framed my pr ze greyhound's * padigree and, hung it higV