FUNNIOSITIES

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume 1, Issue II, 10 May 1905, Page 4

FOTIOSITIES.

"Your trouble is not serious, madam. You need rest." " But, doctor, look at my tongue." " Oh, give that a rest, too."

•• Give mea bite of your sugar stick, Jimmy ?'' "No fear, but you may kiss me while my mouth is sticky."

" You horrid thing," exclaimed the enraged wife. " I'll throw my shoe at you."

" Ob, a little thing like that wouldn'; hurt," he replied kindly. And then they made it up.

•' So you are going to leave me, Bridget? Haven't I treated you as one of the family" " Indade' ye have, mum, an' Oi've shtooditas long as O'im goin' to 1"

Saved — Jaggles — '• Did the faith cure do him any good ?" Waggles — " I should say so ! He hadn't been taking it long before it cured him of his faith m it."

" I don't s?e why you asked Mr Bohr to sing," said the popular girl's sister. '" I hated to do it," was tbe reply, «' but it was the only way to make him stop talking."

He. — "Give me a kiss." She (decidely).— -•' I won't." He.—" You shouldn't say 'I won't' to me ; you should say 'I prefer not.' '* She.— " But then that wouldn't be true."

' Tommy — " Father, is it proper to call a man born m Poland a Pole ?" Father — " Certainly, my son l" Tommy — "Then I suppose a man born m Holland is a Hole, isn't he.?"

POSSIBILITIES. ." He boasts that he is a confirmed bachelor."

" Perhaps he makes a virtue o: necessity."

"Perhaps, and yet, necessity may be its own reward."

j Mabel: "Oh, iramma, do give this man a shilling. Only fancy, besides being both deaf and dumb, he has a wife and three children."

Beggar (absent-mindedly) ! " Beg pardon, miss. Mistake on the card — wife and five."

"Oh, John," exclaimed the proud mother, as her husband came wearily up thrt front steps, •' baby is beginning to walk."

. " Good !" ejaculated fcbo midnight martyr. " Now he can do his own floor walking a.t night."

Mr Spriggins, (gently) : "My dear, a man was, shot ut by a burglar, and his life was sayed by a button which the bullet struck." Mrs Spriggins : "Well, what of it?" ..y Mr Spriggins : ''Nothing; only the button must have been on."

" Now, my boy, tell me how you know an o'd pastridge from a young one ? asked a squire of his tenant's son. "By the teeth, sir." .Nonsense, boy I You ought to know better than that. A partridge hasn't any teeth." " No, sir ; but I have !"

Mrs Peppery.- " Yes, how do you like tbe design ?" Mrs Nexdore. — "It seems to me to be rather loud." Mrs Peppery.—" Yes ; that's why we selected it. We thought it might drown the sounds of your daughter's piano-playing." CANDID COURTESY. Young Lady (very proud of her artistic capabilities) : " I daresay you have heard that I paint, Mr Lily ?" Mr^_|illy (who is under the impression^that she is alluding to ber brilliant complexion) : " Ya-as ; but I don't bllieve it." ■WJ? HURRAH FOR SCOTLAND I I\VO Scotsmen were conversing together one day, when one exclaimed : — " I wonder what Nelapn meant when he said, " England expects every man to do his duty,' and never said a word about )}oor old Scotland ?" " Ach !" replied Sandy, "he didn't require to tell the Scotsman, for he knew they would do their duty without being told." Three Objections. — " How did you like my sermon yesterday?" said a Scottish minister to a plainspoken menjJDei* of bis flock. «• Weeljlministe'r, rince ye hae speered, I maun ust tell ye that I had three objections tot. In the first place, ye read every word o't ; m the second plase, ye didna read it well ; and m the third place, it wasna worth readitt'." NAiT REFORM ID YET. Mr Spiftkins came stumbling up tbe S'.fii-.s at 2 a.m. "' Nanshy, m' dear,'! he mumbled, " y'r eyes look li'l* bic red. They shay weari'n' too tight collars maksh eyes red. Let tigßt collari 'lone, Nanshy, rri' dear." • "All that ails my eyes, Henry," paid Sirs Spiftkins,' m a clear, metallic voice, as she reached casually ior a loose stair rod, «•* is the tight ca.br th*t has j'jsfc come in.g