AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ohinemuri Gazette, Volume XXIX, Issue 3939, 3 July 1918, Page 4

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

—,—»___-__._ Didn't Understand.—"What is th* object of your society?" ''To prevent gambling among women." "Nonsense. It can't be done." "Certainly gambling caa be stopped." "Gambling? I thought you said gabbling." ._* '« * # # Was so Considerate.—Tho only unoccupied room in the hotel—one with a private bath in connection with it — was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out. ''Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked. "No. I didn't," replied the KanBan. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty good; but I could not sleep very much, for* I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only, door to it was through my room."—"Pittsburgh ChronicleTelegraph." • * • * . Bill's Board Bill.—Another one has started and promises to become a wealthy successor to "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a; woodchuck could chuck wood?" Man* heretical versions of the new teaser are at large, but the true form is as follows and must be strictly adhere. to by the faithful: Bill had a billboard and Bill had a board bill, and Bill's board bill boreti Bill till Bill sold Bill's billboard to pay Bill's board bill, and f-hen Bill , board bill no longer bom* Bill.—"New T-.totk Tribune." """' One or the Other.— -A Cleveland school teacher —one who has ut several periods in the sweet-scented past favoured us with anecdotes about her pupils—sends up an account of a quiz conducted in her geography class. "In what zone do we live?" asked this teacher. 'The temp'rut zone!" chanted the well-drilled class. "Eight. And what do we m«an by twnparate ?' Willie, you maj an§w»r." "Temp'rut is where it's freezin' cold half the time an' roastin' thfs other half the time." If Willie wasn't sent to the head for that, it wasn't because he didn't deserve tho honour. —"Cleveland Plain Dealer."

Oiva For Exchange.—Sam had been apprehended by the Sheriff for chicken stealing. Being without funds, he bided his accustomed time in the calaboose until the day of the trial. Still without funds, he was also sans counsel. Witnesses, also, he had none; of character witnesses there was total lack, for anyone who testified to Bams probity forthwith removed himself from the Caitegory of witnesses— that is, from the category of those who knew anything about the facts. Of this Sam was well aware.

"Sam Jackson you are in custody of the law," announced the Judge. "The State provides counsel for those who lack it. I hereby appoint these two gentlemen present in court to defend you. Have you anything to say?"

Sam's face brightened at the Judge's words. "Two lawyers, yo' Honahl" he exclaimed delightedly; and then, with an engaging grin, "yas, sar, yo' Houah; but, ef it ain't orowdin' the law, cain't I swop off one of dem lawyers for a witness?"—" New York Evening Post."

An Experiment in Bses. —"A man was telling me the other day," said the sad-faced citizen, "that this is a splendid year to go into the bee business. It may be for some time,, but so far as I am concerned, no year is a good year for the bee business. I tried it once, and know what I am talking about. A man sold me about a dozen stands of bees and a book that he claimed would tell me all about howto take care of them. The nr.:i who wrote, that book was a ; r > darned liar. He carried the impr.ii.. : that the bee is naturally a bird of .-.: i affectionate and confiding nature, ? ..-> ;hat, when once familiar with it^ owner, it will nestle up to him r.ud sit in his lap and purr like a tr.uie kitten. He said the way to go about getting the confidence of the bee was " to work and handle hei gently whenever opportunity offered. I tried to " follow out his instructions, and again • I remark that he is an infernal liar. ' A hee will come and sit. on you all right, but it isn't because she has any ""notion of being kind: and affectionate. '•'At different times that summer tjhere wer,e aver 400 that came up and sjs on iiie,. and I always got right up l||tegwljyenfc away. If that is the way a , showing its affections, I <Joa't want axiy-Vi its friendship in mine. Before the summer w&s ovov 1 "got so lull of bee poison that it dide^fc. "-. ipake any particular difference whc?«- a. '' bee stung me. I would begin to, swell up all over. Both eyes were sjM>;t most of the time. It got so ajjieiy a while ---that, when one of those- bees saw me coming, it would chop, its work and come over and sting me. When a swaTm came, eat of- the hive, I never was able to, persuade the bees to locate \n another, of my hives. They would gp off into the woods, and locate in ft hollow tree. 1 lien »I*ee moth or something got among- my old bees and killed all of \hmt. So at the end of the second year I was out the hiusdced dollars \ had: paid for the bees in *i»e first place, and had a record of having been, stung 715 times and didn't get a pound of honey. "—"Kansas City Jour pal."