The Tramp's Dinner.

Ohinemuri Gazette, Volume XV, Issue 1219, 29 March 1905, Page 2

The Tramp's Dinner.

A WEARY WILLIE DINES AT THE WALDORF.

Joseph R. May, an American tramp,* has succeeded in getting into the dining-room of the fashionable Waldorf Astoria Hotel, and his experiences are told in piquant slang in the New York American. He had got hold of an i ancient silk hat and dress suit, and a red silk handkerchief concealed the fact that he had no shirt or collar. DINED WITH MORGAN. He said : — I blew in and tackled the Waldorf Astoria, and I seen Pierpont Morgan i'l there eating little fishes with a fork. The only difference between me and Morgan was he paid for his and I didn't. At the Waldorf there was a whole gang just going into the cafe. All the waiters got busy lugging those silk lids away and pullin'chairs for the ladies, who had enough skirts on 'em to fill two chairs. Ihi eked in after 'em, and in the shuffle got a chair over in the corner behind a screen, where it wasn't too bright and noticeable, There was one waiter see me come in, and piled over, lookin' some puzzled BLUFFING THE WAITER. " Outrage! sir !" says*l, before he had time to peep." " Outrage! infernal, abominable outrage," says I, lookin' him in de eye, like Morgan does, an' pnttin' me hat in de chair so he couldn't see de inside. He forgot his questions what he was coin' to ask, and instead asked me what was the trouble.

I took him into my confidence, and told him I was ex^Governor Hogg, of Texas, and that when I tried to go into the sub way by the first entrance I saw they tore my collar and busted my hat, but if I'd had my gnu with me—l ended up by lookin' fierce, like a Southerner. DINKY LITTLE FIBS. The steak was good enough, but not very big. I was sort of sore, ba^'ause he told me it would be big en> Jgh for two. The"c was some dinky little pies and chewed-up vegetables, besides the steak. They wasn't bad, but it's like a Chinese joint. You can't tell what you are eatin' and the waiter wont tell you, because it is part of his job to give you a French alias for the real name of everything you set, lOE OREAM AND CIGABS. When all this lay-out was eaten the waiter says: " What next ?" and I says: "You're dead right— what next ? The more you bring the worse it gets. This foolish little ice cream, done up in a paper cuff, is the limit." The fatheads all laughed again, and the waiter looked eyed. I seen I had to do something to square myself, so I says: " I don't want any more to 'eat, but you can bring me the best cigar in the house, if it costs five dollars."

This feased the fatheads all right, and they all watched to see what the waiter would bring. He had a long, thin box, which he opened and showed tq me. I alraqst did a faint. There was one thunderjn' big cigar all alone in a bos with a Iqt of plush linin' to it and a pillow for the end of the cigar to rest on, a lot of tinfoil and crackly paper and lace that had been squirted with perfume, and ]qts of other nutty things that you wouldn't believe if I told you. I chewed the end oft from it aud lit her up. ONLY 14 DOLLYS.

The waiter brought me a check for 14 dollars. I said, "Yes, in a minute," and put my hand to my head as if I was thinking very hard about something else. This was a mistake., 'cause when I looked up I seen the waiter was looking down my sleeve, lie piped how me paper cufts was fixed. It was all off.

Some detectives rough-housed me until they made me swear, so they could bring that against me, jcqo, and then had me probed. So tt-?s me fqr th,e Islah4 for §ix months.

Weary Willie js now dojng six months'" liarcU'