Try and stop Me

Otago Daily Times, Issue 27277, 31 December 1949, Page 6

Try and stop Me

By Bennett Cerf

One of the most famous and most “Difficult, Madam,” snorted Johnrespected of the colleges that go to son - “ I wjp* 1 w^ s i m Po^iblemake up the great university of Ox- _ . „ , • • „ ford is Balliol. For some reason the James Thurber was once driving venerable institution attracts African with a cherished aunt on Christmas potentates and Indian nabobs in addi- Eve in Columbus, Ohio, and died a tion to eminent white students; its thousand anticipatory deaths while alumni include more black-skinned she toottled merrily through red and men, probably, than all the rest of green traffic lights at 40 miles an houi. the colleges combined. This gave rise Why, honey, she later, to a story which has a very nigh rat- I thought the city had put up those ins' in British circles lights for the Christmas festivities, ing in British circles Another time he was driving himself, An explorer was Suing about his q U jte a t peace with the world, when business in darkest Africa when a <,„Hripnlv noticed a uau ff e on his hungry cannibal tribe bagged him in Aboard thatreffistered “1650 ” Exfull flight and considered its Sunday gcting the car tS blow up any instant. he nosed it gingerly into a wayside garage, where the attendant reassured him: “That’s your radio dial, Mac. You’ve got her set at station WQXR.” Thurber maintains his car harbours a definite grudge against him. Driving through a bleak little town out West, he mused aloud, “ I’d hate to be stuck in this place.” The car promptly burned out a bearing and he . was stranded there for two days. Thurber hopes that engines are on their way out.

Toscanini had a painful experience one evening with a soloist who began his cadenza bravely enough but soon got into difficulty. Obviously flustered, he wandered further and further off key. The maestro and the whole orchestra held their breaths. JUst before their cue to resume-play-ing, the soloist managed to recover the original key. Toscanini bowed politely and said, “ Welcome home, Mr Ginsberg.”

dinner problem solved. He weighed about 2001 bon the hoof and there were murmurs of genuine satisfaction when they seasoned him with salt and lowered him into the pot. He was just beginning to simmer when the cannibal chief remembered his manners.

“Jove,” he ejaculated. “You sound like an Oxford graduate. What college? ” «

On a recent radio programme, Fred Allen introduced one character as his “ molehill man.” “ Every morning,” he vouchsafed by way of explanation, “this fellow arrives at his office and finds a molehill on his desk. It’s his job to make a mountain of it before 5 p.m. comes around.” Allen says his next sponsor will be the manufacturer of Lumpo soap: “It doesn’t lather. It doesn’t float. It contains no secret oils or perfumes. It is designed solely to keep you company in the tub.”

“ Balliol,” gasped the half-baked explorer. “Release this man,” cried the chief. “ Balliol men never eat one another! ”

Samuel Johnson blundered into a musicale at Mrs Thrale’s house one night and registered acute nausea when a soprano mutilated an aria. “ Come now,” said Mrs Thrale. “ Make some allowances. You don’t realise how very difficult that piece is.”

When Arthur Brisbane was about to complete 50 years of journalism, W. R. Hearst, his employer, urged him to take a six months’ vacation with full pay. This magnanimous offer Brisbane refused to accept, saying there were two reasons for his doing so. “ The first reason,” he said, “ is that if I quit writing my column for six months it might affect the circulation of your newspapers. The second reason is that it might not affect the circulation.”

On several occasions, Brisbane was heard telling Windsor McKay, “You're the second greatest cartoonist in the world.” One day somebody asked him, “ Who’s the first? ” “I don’t know,” said Brisbane, “But this keeps McKay on his toes! ”

In Fort Smith, Arkansas, the Mayor’s wife died and the old ice-house burned on the same day. The local gazette printed a two-column portrait of the deceased lady on page one with a caption that made the issue a rare collector’s item: “ Old Eyesore Gone at Last.”

A fortune teller once gazed into his crystal ball and told his young lady client that something very amusing was about to happen to her. Then he burst into uproarious laughter. The young lady rose and smacked his face. “ Why did you do that? ” asked the astounded clairvoyant. “My mother,” she said firmly, “ always told me to strike a happy medium.”

Bob Lovett, an important banker, was entertaining Robert Benchley, among others, at his Locust Valley home one evening, when he was called to the telephone. “ Why, yes,” his awe-stricken guests heard Lovett say, “let Austria have 8,000,000 dollars.” Next day he received a telegram which read, “ You have made me the happiest little country in the world.” The signature was “Austria.” id $ <k

Did you ever hear about the tiger which cornered Mr Aesop and ate him for dinner? “Well, Aesop,” said the tiger pleasantly, “I suppose you'll be making up a fable about this now, too.”