THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 22211, 14 March 1934, Page 2

THE COMMON ROUND

By Wayfakek.

From a reliable source comes news of the annual gathering of the Liars’ Club, of Burlington (Wis., U.S.A.), at which a rubber medal was awarded to the member who most greatly stretched the truth. A report, probably strictly unveracious, of the star item follows: —

Out of more than 2500 contestants B. Ceresa won the lying championship with a report that his grandfather’s clock was so old that the shadow cast by the pendulum as it swung back and forth had worn a hole through the back of the clock.

It is a creditable story, and becomingly incredible. We have ourself on cloudless, sunny days (if to suggest that such exist does not strain the credulity of our south countrymen too far) experienced the grim tenacity with which a shadow sticks to its purpose of sticking to one. And, shadows being, as one ini gilt say, of an habitually shady character, the sabotaging of an elderly timepiece does not seem the sort of villainy they' would hesitate to perpetrate. In fact, there are practically no lengths to which a shadow will not go, as the long thin man remarked when he started to walk from the Equator to the South Pole.

Runner-up in the Burlington (Wis., U.S.A.) competition was one Wiltfang, who spoke of an annoying experience when he was about his domestic chars. The fog which blanketed his home one day when he was shingling the roof was so thick, it appears, that he laid shingles on the fog ten feet beyond the roof’s edge without noticing it. That is the sort of incident which explains why men leave home. We are able to sympathise the more deeply with this victim of the elements, as we have had a similar unfortunate experience ourselves. It was some years ago when, having cut out a hundred pickets for a fence, and leaned them in position against a high wind which was sweeping our section at the time, we' turned round to spit on our hands and reach for the hammer with which to nail them in place. It was just at that moment that the wind dropped—so, too, our picket fence.

But the climatic conditions, though they sometimes play these cruel pranks on those who place reliance in them, are not always so unkind. We are pleased to concede as much, in view of the reminiscences with which another competitor favoured the liars of Burlington. Perpend •

Harold P. Cole, aged 30, remembered the winter of 1863 when, he said, San Francisco Bay froze over so fast that all the frogs were caught in the ice with their legs up. He purchased a lawn mower, mowed off the frogs’ legs iu two hours, and shipped 75 ship-loads to France, making a net profit of 137,465,720 dollars 17 cents. It is pleasant to hear of enterprise and industry being so well rewarded.

From our Foveaux Strait correspondent, as it happens, we have received a despatch concerning a development in the oyster industry of a similar nature. It is as follows: —

Oyster Wharf, Mon. Mr B. I. Valve, a local fisherman, has recently introduced an innovation which promises to solve two of the main problems of mankind. Realising the difficulty which is experienced by most men in disposing of their used safety razor blades, Mr Valve offered to collect those of his friends and throw them into the sea while on his oyster-trawling work. Having so disposed of a dozen blades he was amazed, on trawling on the same spot two later,_ to bring up several oysters with their beards neatly trimmed. Mr Valve was not slow to appreciate the possibilities, and he has now cornered the market for razor blades in this district. It then occurred to him that his work could be further reduced, and latterly he has provided the oysters with crown-top bottle openers a s well as blades. The result is that they are now brought to the surface, clean shaven and already opened, ready to be deposited straightway into cartons and railed to consumers.

Our correspondent adds a confidence which will, doubtless, be safe with our readers. Mr Valve is at present considering bringing Mr Johnny Weissmuller to New Zealand to give the oysters lessons in swimming. Should they prove apt pupils, Mr Valve says, he has no doubt they will be willing to swim ?o the Bluff, thus obviating his present necessity of having to get up early and trawling for them.

Which talk of oysters reminds us that a series of communications has reached us from our alert Hokonni correspondent. The first was this sensational telegram ;

Wayfarer Dunedin monster made fresh appearance stop green yellow vermilion shading to old rose sprigged and flounced wearing veil stop striped with purple stop informant gravely indisposed stop happy couple departed Gore by goods tram stop am lying in wait eventuality may appear again tonight stop correspt. The slightly obscure passages in this exciting despatch were cleared up when our correspondent wrote the following day:—

In my haste to advise you that the Hokonni monstrosity has reared its ghastly head again [he says] I fear that my telegram became confused owing to the inadvertent sending of part of a wedding report. The monster visited a well-known and respected resident in the weekend, when he had retired after attending a quiet birthday party with some friends. Upon my earnest entreaties he agreed that I should sit with him the following night, which I did, but what with my usual fatigue and the hospitality of my host I fell early asleep. Even the screams which he' uttered during the night, when the creature came again, failed to arouse me, and I learnt only late in the morning of the second fearful visitation. lam now agog and agape with interest, and have no doubt I shall soon be able to send you photographs, possibly even the pelt, of this foul creature which has struck terror to the heart of the countryside.

The only other word we have is from a nurse, who informs us our correspondent is himself indisposed, but as well as can be expected, after falling first into a creek, then over a bank, on his way home.

Many of the shops in Masterton are a scene of destruction, states an earthquake zone message, owing to the gods being violently flung down. They seem to have been asking for trouble.

Au English brewery has installed a beer-tester which shows a light and sounds a siren when the product is not up to standard. It seems a shame to use a machine, thus depriving thousands .of willing workers of congenial occupation.

A child of two years in North Berwick has had its hair permanently waved. Such foresightednoss in one so young reflects great credit upon its Scottish parentage.

From an advance notice of a kinemu film: “On the whole it is good, clean entertainment.” It looks like another case for the censor.

A correspondent signing himself “ Anxious " writes: “ Can you inform mo as to the correct form of address with which to greet the Leader of the Opposition ou his Dunedin visit. 1 ” Call him Savage.