THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 22205, 7 March 1934, Page 2

THE COMMON ROUND

By WATtfABEB,

An eminent industrialist inscribing himself "Hie Haee H<?c" seeks bur services ,in notifying the' public of a line 6f anti-depression wares which he proposes shortly to on the»market. We. select from a. comprehensive, list the following:— . (l) The Policeman's Breath: A highly potent drink that gives the consumer an impression that his feet are twice their normal size, thus preserving the balance to a satisfactory degree.■• (2). The Politician's Teak:, The effect of this drink is to fbrce the tongue violently against the cheek, to ' kiss every baby ;, within the radius of ■I an electorate, and "to utter promises with the utmost sang-froid, and also to en- .:■,"" deavour to keep, everything steadily in : view. (3) The Fabmeb's Fbiend: A drink especially recommended to the agricultural community. When taken in suffi- ■ _ cient quantities is productive of a low, prolonged grumble. Invaluable when writing to the papers or for deputations to Cabinet Ministers. -:,■;, (4) LA Fantasie: For. the tired husi- ,'•': ness man. Will transport you in three nobblers to charm'd magic casements, foam,: faery lands forlorn and unfermented spirits. Recommended for shareholders, company promoters, and lawyers. , We have pleasure in giving to this enterprising industry such support as it serves, and" can only regret that we are unable to promise similar support to the clients of "Hie Haec Hoc," who may be more in need of it. But may we express the hope that he will make every lamppost in the country a leaning post.

Another correspondent breathes the sweet breath of internationalism into our merry little circle. To "Mr Wayfarer, Oiago Daily Times," comes a post-card emblazoned on the ope side with a representation of the Empire State building rearing itself in crimson arrogance above the Manhattan skyline (and considerably higher than a, disgruntledlooking moon, of pallid, languorous aspect) and on the other, under a New York postmark, the following cryptic message!—;. .. ' ; - J' -

Uncommon square columnistic greet-

, ings, plus! .■" ' ■',. While we are not surprised that this column should enjoy a celebrity equal to that of the Empire State, we must admit to a slight mystification as <to the portents of this communication. Is it an acrostic or an anagram, a problem in geometry or an Indian war-cry ? Are we hereby cautioned or thereby encouraged? Or maybe it is just an old American way of saying "How-do-you-db." 1 'ln the latter event we know -the ■" PleeStameecha," and failing a more worthy < interpretation of this message from erudite contributors have pleasure in making it. ,And';; how/! May \ the ' shadow of the -Blue, Eagle N.3R.A; (Neverßuin America;). Fraternal greetings to our readers in the United States and New Zealand-—both of them.

v'lfc: is unfortunate:that We dp hot have closer contact with,our select';;■ American audience, when we should be ableNto answer another contributor's request:, for a definition of " ballyhoo." he has some ideas of his own on the subject. Perpend:-*- ; . ■ ,_':; ,

Dear, " Wayfarer,''—What is "ballyhoo"? I take it to meanv a similar '■■\ condition in a human to what takes place in a steam boiler when; the heat in : the furnace generates more steam than the'engine can copyert into ■useful work. To save: the boiler from damage there is a!contrivance known as a:safety , ; valve that; permits ,surplus., steam. to .■"', escape harmlessly into thin air. • Only a blithering idiot-like, a ■.."., .would ever think of placing a screw-jack on the safety valve. ~ . . And so on until' Pur cbrriSapbndent reV veals hia identity as "Nuff/'Sed,?' .Unfortunately there is. 'a, difference of opinion between us as tb ! when' that .emphatic signature should 'be % inscribed, hence Certain applications of the screwjack above. There is a danger, after all, when newspaper letter-writers blow off steam regardless} ; If something must happen, we would prefer that our boiling correspondent should burfct himself, Tather than excoriate our refined person. ■, " ";\- '/' '.''■■ ■

However, to attend ; to the question. " Ballyhoo," cannot: be didactically defined, the Oxford English Dictionary having refused as yet to countenance it,but ,p Nuff Sed's;..' suggestion will not do. He would appear to have in mind a different type of noise, which could better be presented by the telescoping of a good old Middle English word meaning abdomen arid a good Young American word meaning bologney, thus— Bellybooey. This suggests both the deep internal conflict which rages in a steam engine (or a reformer) until it can be 1 stood no longer and the safety valve is released (or he writes \ a vituperative letter to the newspaper). '? Ballyhoo" involves a more complex process, and the results are more devastating. For instance, the reformer would not be content to write a letter to'somebody else's paper, he would buy one for himself and spread his message about Christian Science, or wearing blackshirts, or discarding all shirts,; right over the front page. The latest example of ballyhoo in New Zealand emanated from social credit circles I when the arch-Douglas was among us. Another example was the Government's recent propaganda drive for the Conversion Loan. Ballyhoo, stated as briefly as possible, but, alas, without .the academic succinctness of the Oxford scholars, may be defined thus: A blatant publicity campaign for a person, cause or patent medicine, conducted with little regard for dignity or accuracy.

As a result of tie boom in the? whisky, trade consequent upon the abandonment; of prohibition in the United States, a, number of clergy: in the Church of Scotland will receive increases , in- stipends, the scale being determined in many dis-j tricts: by the price of barley. .•■ Now Reverend Brown It broke his hairt, When Roosevelt brought back beer, For he had nobly played his palrt- ; In keeping water clear. . , < " 'Tis verra salr and sad I atn, '; i He told his wife. Said she: . . ,/ " I'm. with yon there, 1 wlßh,,bedam, ; . They'd take to Scotch whisky! .:' " Wummari," said Brdwn- In angry voice,; " Hoo dare ye" suchwise think? "Aweel," she said, " I hae no choice, i I'd like tae sea them drink., < I need a bunnet and a coat, >■ | And snoon for oor wee ■Wull, ! I want a plaided petticoat—" " Ye'U surely go to Hull! " Cried Reverend Brown; he said a■.• prayer UpOh'the wet Yankee; ... • . "The devil's entered in them there, He told the Presbetry, He nearly wept when be was told They'd killed the Volstead law; Though he was stilt and pretty old He Jumped upon the floor. 'Twas sorrow raffle him prance about, And give a piercing Of this I have scarcely a doubt, For Reverend Brown was dry. ■ But now he has a motor car, And Wullle has his shoon, And Mrs Brown a new rigout Whene'er she goes to toon. And Reverend Brown he drives aroun? To watch the barley rise; He looks about him with a frown. And lets out fearful sighs. But 'spite his melancholy face He'd Heter ride, I think, i ThaTi have to trudge from place to place Condemning of the drink. Poesy is in the air. Having scarcely recovered from our own . distinguished effort in pure versecraft, as above, we are presented with the genteel lucubrations of another bard. He is inspired by the praiseworthy notion of the City Council that by permitting the decoration of the new; Post Office fence with

hoardings they will be furthering art appreciation in the community. Quotha : You get soma bits of boarding; You put 'em la a frame; You call the Issue "hoarding"— A nice aesthetic name; You fill the space with—shirts, maybe, Or pants, or ladies' lingerie, A pie, a cake, a'tart; And there, tor each and all to see Without subscription, without fee, Behold, a work of art!

"Still life"—its fascination Can nowise be denied'} Its charm, itg inspiration, ■Spread joy on every aide; Absorbed folk stand, then onward fare While happy laughter fllls the,air, E'en rises to a gale As ever more and more repair ~ To feast them—gratis—en pleln air: O noble Council, hail! •■.'•■- After all, London has her Albert Memorial and Invercargill its unique sculptuary. It is time Dunedin possessed some connoisseur's pieces besides the Car-: gill Monument and the Safety Zone.

The Wainui, states a Saturday paragraph, which is due at Bluff on Monday from Melbourne, is bringing 14 bags of Australian mail .. . expected to reach the local;Post Office this evening. Who says you cannot get prompt service from a Government department?

On two occasions recently a burglar has broken Into a Wellington aviary. He deserves to get the bird.