PASSING NOTES.

Otago Daily Times, Issue 7671, 18 September 1886, Page 4

PASSING NOTES.

(From Otago Witness),

Our footballers, when contending in Christ church, are wont to be exhorted, I am told, by cries of " Go it, porridge I" " Play up, porridge !" The allusion is to a cheap and wholesome article of food thought to be common in Otago. The gentle youth of the City of the Plain, it is to be presumed, do not know porridge. They have beard of it and seen its results—in the production of footballers—but with the thing itself they have no acquaintance. It is our reproach in Otago that we have an affection for the meal which—as Dr Johnson remarked, sarcastically, long ago—is "in England the food fur horses; in Scotland for men." We must endeavour _to bear our reproach with as much humility as we can. Porridge has the disadvantage of being cheap, and it has the further disadvantage of being wholesome. Ii is vain to deny these facts. Our tastes are hopelessly plebeian, and the only consolation left to us is that porridge is capable of translating itself into excellent bone aud muscle. Our High School boys demonstrated that fact to the entire conviction of their opponents in their last match with Christ's College. True, we have not always licked the Christchurch men, the reason being, probably, that a good deal of porridge is eaten even in Christchurch—on the quiet, as is the case, indeed, in England. But when it comes to a trial of strength with Sydney, where porridge is all but entirely unknown, then it is seen what potentialities of brain, of bone and muscle are in the despised meal-tub. Twenty-three points to nil, and five goals in five successive quarters of an hour! What a record! No need to pray this time the well-answered Scottish prayer, "Lord gi'o us a gude conceito' oursel's!" Far be it from me to minister to that" gude conceit." This is not a note in praise of ourselves at all. It is a note in praise of porridge.

A shaft of light has penetrated the gloom enwrapping European politics. Wo know now that English statesmen are aware that something has taken place in Eastern Europe. They may perhaps not know of the quasi revolution in Bulgaria and the rapid exits and entrances of Prince Alexander, but they know that something is " up," aud Lord Iddesleigh, England's Foreign Secretary, really means to seek some information about it. With that object in view he has telegraphed to tho English Ambassador at Constantinople to come Home at once and discuss the matter with him over a bottle of dry sherry in Downing street. This decisive line of action will as likely as not residt in the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer obtaining quite an interesting insight into Basteru affairs, and he may even find himself in a position to address a courteous question or two to the Czar's advisers before the Russian flag is absolutely floating over the Bosphorus. At any rate, it is a step in the right direction, and shows that tho English Ministers are gradually acquiring a knowledge of the march of events. They have not yet heard anything about the closing of Batoum, because the Under-secretary for Foreign Affairs, in reply to a question in the House of Commons, has just" expressed a belief that no Power would act in contravention of the Treaty of Berlin;" but this news, too, will reach them in time. Seriously, What does this extreme artlessness portend? Does it or does it not mean that England is inolated—without an ally in Europe save the Sick Man, now sicker than ever, —and that in tho face of an entente cordiale between Russia, Germany, and Austria she is powerless ? Does it not mean, "We do want to fight very badly indeed, but, by Jingo, circumstauces over which wo have no control will deprive us of that honour?"

Meanwhile we learn that that "the great European Powers are at present engaged in exchanging views with regard to the political situation in Bulgaria." "Give me your candid opinion about this unhappy business," says Bismarck to the Czar. " With the utmost pleasure my dear boy," rejoins his Majesty, as he orders another brigade to advance on the Danube. The views of the powers as expressed in the diplomatic notes now circulating must be models of frankueas, and one cannot help longing for a glimpse of them without having to wait dreary months for an indigestible looking blue-book. Guessing from my own early (and brilliant) experiences at the various Courts of Europe, I should imagine the views of the Powers upon the present crisis to run something as follows: — View of France: Cc perfide Albion is in a me6s. Ha! ha! We are the men of the 30th February. We can wait. We have already the Hebrides. Long live the joy.

View of Bismarck: The only way of Becnring peace will be for a horde of Cossacks to disembowel the Bulgarians while the Czar's regulars drive the Turks into the sea, and the Russian eagle with dripping beak perches upon the spires of St. Sophia. View of Ausina: We will do whatsoever is safe and payable. View of tho Czar: I "am painfully surprised that anyone should imagine for a moment that I have anything at all to do with the matter.— (Aside:) I shall really have to get hold of Alexander again and pop him down a mine. View of the Sultan: Kismet. It is fate. View of Lord Iddesleigh: A bad job. What is the French for " compromise ? "

Depend upon it that when the Blue Book does make its appearance, this forecast of European sentiment will be found to be as near the mark as the <• tips " of any sport ing prophet.

In the face of the Premier's latest misunderstanding—with the unemployed this time—we can only wipe the dews of astonishmentfrom our brows and demand limply, "What next?" A section of the unemployed, we,are informed, paraded Christchurch on Tuesday evening with a bundle of old clothes intended as an effigy of the Premier, which they subjected to a variety of indignities. The telegram certainly says " a small section," but that is slight comfort. How comes it that such a demonstration is possible at all towards the erstwhile idol of the working man ? If the image of Sir Robert Stout was aforetime enshrined anywhere, it was in the hearts of the diligent youth who plod to our University after learning and lawn tennis, and in the hearts of their stouter brethren who live by the pick and recreate themselves by the pewter. And now both these representative classes of the community are ready to turn and rend their ancient hero. It can be scarcely, in the latter case at all events, anything that Sir Robert has done. It must be tho new title which is not understanded of the multitude, and which the many-voiced democracy will never learn to prefix glibly to the name of Stout. A correspondent encloses me a short dirge suitable for tho occasion—

Tibi causa mortis, Sir Bob, Hato been your new degree, The students jeered, and now the mob Maltreat your ef-fi-gee. Changed are the masses, once so loyal I For counterfeit of thee The horny-handed sons of toil Don't care an f—i—g.

I have received a copy of Mr T. B. Hannaford's private circular commending to possible clients the merits and advantages of his " Matrimonial Agency, 296 Queen street, Auckland." Already immersed chin-deep in matrimony, with its waves sometimes going over my head, I can hardly consider myself a possible client. I pass on the information for the benefit of whom it may concern. Mr Hannaford sets forth that he has already heen tho "unaided vehiole of bringing together 131 couples." That he is alive to make the statement Feems astonishing. Still more ho that he should be willing to go on in this hazardous trade fur the unimportant remuneration of £5 in each case— " said £5 paid in advance." But Hannaford is of Benedict's opinion that " tbe world must be peopled." "Let it not be supposed," he says, ■' that a Matrimonial Agency occurred to me in an idle hour, becauso nothingcould be more true or unjust." He haa pondered the case of the " out-settler, whose locale may be miles away from any other habitation, and it may be 20— nay, 50—miles away from where a. bevy of damsels is stationed." Such aro the anomalies of a mysterious Providence! Tho " bevy of damsels'" expectant of the coming man are ahvayß "stationed" so that, he is. 20—or it triny ba £t>—milea away from them. The '■.

schema of Providence, however, in*lud*s a Hannaford who, for the very moderate fee of £5, is willing to be a "vehicle," or—as he frankly puts it lower down—" a go-between." It is no reproach to Hannaford, though Byron thought it was to Plato—

To have been At best no tetter than a go-between.

Plato did not live iv a new country. " Were the out-settler ta leave his farm," says Hannaford, "toseekawifeinsomodistantcityordistrict,wharis t/> become of his flocks and herds, his house, and all his belongings in the interim ? Will his cattle feed themselves? Would his crops be self-gathered or his fields self-tilled? Are there never such things as thieves te be found in the out-districts? But why enlarge oil a theme which to anyone with the least particle of sense must be apparent ? " Why, indeed ! Obviously ■ there is a moral necessity for the existence of a Hannaford, and the best proof of his utility as an auxiliary of Providence in peopling the outlying districts is found in the fact that he has been the " vehicle" for 131 couples—and yet lives to tell the tale. " What care I," he asks,"for the laughter of the thoughtless, or the jeers of the loafers?" " Tho most rigid and searching inquiries," he continues, "are mado (not by letter but personally) into the characters of the applicants of cither sex before they are allowed to have an interview; and my arrangements for the detection of practical j Jeers and those of amorbid complexion, are so complete, that they may ' try it on,' but I defy them to succeed. And if they do venture on what I candidly caution them to be dangerous ground, I will so show them up iv tho columus of the newspapers as to make Auckland a perfect Hades for them to reside in."

Hannaford, it seems, is a Providence in himself and can award either heaven or—the other place.

The Pharmaceutical Society have come to the conclusion that it is desirable to take steps towards securing uniformity of educational qualifications for their examinations, aud they have summoned delegates from far and near to meet in Melbourne towards tho end of the next month and concert measures to this end. I have been fortunate enough to obtain a printed copy of the programme of proceedings, which reads as follows:—

On the 27th October the members of the conference will lunch together, and will afterwards be driven to see various objects of interest round the city. In the evening they will be entertained at dinner by the council; the members of the Government and scientific societies will be present. On the 28th, after luncheon, the members of the conference will be photographed, aud, after visiting the principa public institutions, will in the evening attend the theatre.

October 29.—The members of the conference will lunch with Mr F. S. Greenwade at his bouse, and will afterwards be driven out in carriages.

Arrangements will be made for members of the conference to visit Baliarat, leaving Melbourne on the 3rd November, returning on the evening of the 4th.

Members of the conference will be driven in drags to the races on Derby Day, 30th October, and Melbourne Cup, ou 2nd November, and will lunch together on the course.

I'here is one lonely line of printed matter brooding forlorn at the top of this programme to the effect that" business will be called on each day at 10 a.m. and will terminate at 1 p.m.," but it seems scarcely worthy of notice* Business may likely enough be called ou ac 10, but it does uot follow that there will be delegates to answer. How should there be in view of dinners with cabinet ministers and scientists, snug semi-private luncheons, drags and—the Melbourne Cup. There must be a few headaohes among these festivities that will seriously tax the resources of the pbarmacopia. But on the other hand it must not be forgotten that these pharmaceutists are men skilled in drugs, and able to compound ingenious and powerful "pick-me-ups " —a consideration that has, doubtless, not been lost sight of by the framers of this stiff campaign. One thing is certain: every delegate upon observing the performance required of him, wi'l replenish his private medicine chest with extra care, and pack a dozen of sudawater in a corner of his portmanteau. These endeavours to secure uniformity of educational qualifications are serious undertakings.

The " Sermons and Sayings of Sam Jones" have attained to the dignity of publication in a handsome volume, which is on sale in the Dunedin bookshops. I have not received a copy for review, hence can speak of the, book with entire impartiality. " Never read a book before reviewing it," said Sydney Smith; "it prejudices one so." I have not read the book, but I have read a good oeal about Sam Jones in the American papers, and am able to give my Dunedin friends the correct tip. Those of them who like their religion as the Americans seem to like it—thick aud slab with vulgarity —those for whom Spurgeon is too dignified and Tahnage too chaste, will find in the " Sermons and Sayings" exactly what they want. Sam Jones shuns dignity as he would the devil. " Dignity," he say 6, "is the starch of a shroud." "When I die and am lying stiff and cold in my coffin, I'll have as much dignity as anybody, but I am never going to be dignified till I do die." If you hanker after pulpit dignity the devil will have you :

Some sister, I expect, will turn up her nose at me because lam not dignified. Bless you, the devil has got a mortgage on that nose, and he will foreclose it some of these days, and get the old gal with it, too.

As for slang, Sam Jones regards it as the only proper vehicle for religious teaching. "What you call slang," he says* " I call concentrated English." His opinion of society may be gathered from the remark that" Every society woman who claims to be a Christain has got to get out of society some time in her life or go to hell." Yet this alterna : tive may not be so dreadful as it sounds. "I'd rather go to hell than go to nowhere," he says. Sam's ideas of heaven and hell appear to be peculiar— e.g.: " I'll put up with less in heaven if I can get more down here." "I am not singing the 'Sweet By and By,' but the 'Sweet Now and Now.'" It will be gathered from these specimen bits that the sermons and sayings of Sam Jones are not without an occasional gleam of humour, which is one redeeming element in his ferocious vulgarity. Take as a last example the following:—Sam, to " seeker," in prayer meeting: " Have you found religion ? " "I am afraid not." —"What is your occupation?" "Detective." —" H'm, ah, that explains it!"

Sam's enormous successes—as at Baltimore, for example, where the skatiug rink, which holds 4000 people, was not capacious enough for his audiences —has naturally secured him imitators. Out West they have a converted'eowboy," Lampasas Jake," who is to Sam what Sam is to Talmage, and Talmage to Spurgeon—much the same, only more so. The Sermons and Sayings of Lampasas Jake have not yet been published in book form, but they are quoted with appreciation by the American papers. One extract may suffice: —

How many of you's ready to die now with your boots on? Where'd you be to breakfast? Don't any of you drunken, swearing, blaspheming galoots look at me ugly, because I know you. You know when you sco the brand of a beast who it belongs to. You've all got the devil's brand on you. You've got his lariat around you. He lets you have the rope now, but he'll haul you in when he wants firewood! After reading this one wonders why no enterprising reporter has thought of taking down for publication the inspired ravings of the converted woodchopper known to Dunedin street boys as " Holy John," who bellows of universal damnation at the corners of the public ways and illustrates the subject by cutting circles in the air with his wood-axe. Some day, it may be, we shall have collected into a neat volume the ] "Sermons and Sayings of Holy John." Civis,