HUMOR IN THE LAW COURTS.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11684, 13 July 1912, Page 3 (Supplement)

HUMOR IN THE LAW COURTS.

(Bt A. C. Fox-Davies.)

The hest legal stories are apocryphal or else American —and that is the same thing. Those people who never sat, through; actual trials'iii*the• Law-Courts-I have a very mistaken idea of w!hat really takes placo there. Fervid' eloquence does : not exist, and even tihe grim earnestness of a trial for murdler seiLdom exceeds the mere ordinary conversational note which is now the accepted medium of the Law Courts. The same change has been noticed in Parliamentary,;: speaking, -although to those who knov?- but the methods of to-day, the thought, comes insistently wiheoher the giants of' former days were - really so much- greater than the big men to-day. Professional humorists are; apt' to regard ; the humor of the Courts as feeble. No doubt many of the reported) :mter•anoes of the Judges and counsel; seem to ■ merit such a classifioaiaon, but the fact really is that many a, chance-xe--mark which rocks the Junior Bar with

laughter depends for its humor, upon the aicmosphere of the case orthepersonali-* ties of those concerned-, for, - to a large extent-, we all know eachother. - v-. THe whole-Bar, was convulsed in Court one day when "Baby"? Murphy rose to cross-rexamime an Irishwoman,■■••with'- the remark—"t -understand', madam, that you are an Irishwoman like meseLty" yet •how staime it reads."- ' Biut to anybody who' lias regard'edl Murphy's stolid! 23 stonie a smiJle comes irresistibly." • The real .truth is, that humor in the Court must, be spontaneous, and! - when one has "sat all hstemiig to'xhe dreary facts;; of a sordid criminal case or the wearisome details of a Bang's Bench •or Chancery action, it-take little to start us laughing. But the ordinary reporter for the general-press cannot afford: to wast.e' the whole of the day listening to a case in wliich the public takes no interest, on the off chance of a. joke worth repetition,, and haes himself to the Court of a, recognised- "joker," and faithfully reports every, humorous remark which falls-.from that Judge's 'Tips, no/matter what its quality. - The wittiest remark within., my own made quite recently at the Old! Bailey. A wel'l-known pleader, d'efendiiig an absolutely helpless, hopeless case, no <foubc felt, as was the case, that , his only chance in addressing the jury.:lay in getting them- as far away from the real facts 'as was possible.'. Gentlemen." he said, "do you think that for tKe sake of. eighteenpence my client would be likely to risk the prison . cel'l,;~a place, into which the sun- never shines, and ; from where you cannot see the stars at night?" Bodkin,: who-, was prosecuting; quietly interjected: "My Lord, may I suggest that the case,would, proceed, more quickly if my learned friend would deal with the facts and! not with; his reminiscences." I thought there would be murder in the Robing Room afterwards. : : Sir Frank Lockwood waa an inveterate joker, but probably his' wittiest remark was not made in Court, but .across the luncheon' table during the adjournment of the Court, when enjoying the of- the Sheriffs.- "Mr Lockwood," said the Judge, "that was a very good alibi of yours this morning." "Yes, my Lord, it was . the best, of the "six they offered me." Lockwood was seldom seen- on the Chancery side,; but on one of his rare- appearances, . the Judge addressed' him, I'Welly Mr Lock-' wood, what brings you here?"- "Two and; one, my lord," he answered, looking ;at the fees marked on the back of his brief; . But he used] to tell with huge ■delight how a witness once scored_ off him. at York. The case hung on ;.the identity of some cattle, and; the ability of the "witness to recognise them from a distance. "Now, teli me," said l Lockwood, cross-examining, "how far off could you recognise a beast 'to be certain of it?' " About'as far off -as lam front yen, sir." \ ■ - - It was a neat reply that an insanity expert gave to a. Judge. Ippig recognised by Bench, Bar, arul public as .unfitted for his -work.'/ The medical main, ha'dl expressed' his'opinion that the prisoner was;.suffering from ''senile dementia." "What is that?" snapped the Judge. "Senile d'ementia, my- lordv would occur in .the . ease of a- man age. who was unable to form or express a sound judgm&nt. It was comparatively recently that S^r 5 Edward-^-Cairson, in l liis-slow, apparently Jazy way, rose to his feet to cross examine a witness whose face and nose left little room to doubo his bibulous I'tendienCTes.--. "Are hard , drinker, sir," .asked Carson, as he looked"' the< man' up-'andl- do-wif. '.' "ghat's my -'business/ ' came .the .answer. Carsonshrugged;: his ;shoulders._ "Have you-got ■ any other business, sir." ~• • ' ' It's an okli story that is told of a murder trial at the OkL. Bailey; 'in. -Which the whole thing hung upon whether the cap found near the dead body was. or was not the property; of,-the prisoner. Finally, after a long' .wait;-, the.jury came back into Court with am acquittal.. "Let the prisoner be discharged.," said the Judge. ".Can I have my cap-back, sir?" asked'-the prisoner. "Whether or not the story really _ belongs to him, I. am not sure, but it-is tolfd! of the late Montagu Williams.; He had got his client acquitted,-buio the evidence .puzzled!; him..'/'"Look here," he said to the man afterwards, "they cin't try you a'gain for- this,-so you -.are quite safe, but I'd know whether you -did steal tihat horse?" "Welly Mr Williams, I'always thought I stole Tit till I heard your speech to the jury, hut .now 1 really, don't think- I could have done it-' ' - ' : Of Mr PuTceM', who has-; an enormous criminal practice, one; or-two. interesting, stories are told. Caught "in a crowd in Fetier Lane, he felt his pewket: picked, and,- turning- quickly, - shotted. "Stop thief!" Over the din- -and- scuffle.-was heard the remark-: ."Give it-him back. Can't you ." see it's our mouthpiece.-' which li'tole story explains the one .which 'Tell me,"; said Purcell, crossexamining & policeman, Vwliat- it the prisoner said. .to-, you-when you arl rested him Didn!i> he deny: all knowledge of the matter r Wia. .witness hesitated, and . was pressed ; for.; an aiiswer. -"''Well, sir, what he really.saici | was, 'lt's a fair; cop, but | piece, -Purcell will get me; ou<d ■. o-f it. But on :fchat occasion it proved even beyond the abilities of. Mr -Purcell, and the prisoner "went away." . The- humor of - the situation is oil ten entirely unforeseen. A prisoner was. on trial for sacrilege^—larceny, from the pooT-box —and handed the. fee wrapped m paper down to counsel from the dockwith the request that he would defend.. Without unwrapping the paper, _the barrister put the. packet-in his pocket, and ■ succeeded in. getting an; acquittal. It was only then.that, unwrapping the parcel, he -found, that the £l= 3s 6d! was-made -up of threepenny bits. He looked at them, and then, with a. great renunciation,, rose and said, "My lard, T think -this must be the property of

tlie prosecution.' ' The next story is American. l.iie iudgo liad sternly ordered, a. witness--to be silent, and. :at.-last "had; fined him five dollars for contempt ■-.< of " - court, whcrcupQ.n . ia > silent- spectator -in the court walked to the clerk's table, and tendering a five-dollar remarked "Contempt of court! Guess I'm in that as well.',' It was an American sheriff who approached the condemned : man on the scaffold, and! reminding hiin that the opportunity.. ; would-. sponr be gonflj- • asked- was -there 'anything ho wished- to", say. whilst he still .had.'--the , •chance. It was not the first invita.ticni of 'the kind which - had :"been offered, ' and this -was- 'the 'last; straw :-y y Look here," he answered, ■-'-fget -on with -the " job, can't' youV- v;l'i?i-:ithe.: only one .of •the -whole blessed Jot.of .you:-here who isn't'iaaking;>a.bit out: :ofrit." I-;liave: 'mysfilf heard -a condemned murderer.. when asked what it was lie'wished-! to eq-y. makena. ribald joke, and: be -hustled down tlie stairs of the dock amidst general laughter. For one of the wittiest things ever said ; in court Mr , Symmons. the police magistrate, was responsible. He had pleaded, on behalf of a client the intolerable provocation of everlasting nagging. ""What do you mean by nagging?" asked: Alr .Just ice Hawkins. "Nagging, my lord, is the constant reiteration of unpleasant truths." On another occasion—lie always wears a single eyeglass —he was cross-examining a witness, who referred tt> one of tlie parties in the case as "'a regular toffhe always wore -in eyeglass." Amid the roars of laughter which followed. Symmons remarked as his own eyefell into his h-md:—"My lorn. I trust I may say there are not-abls exceptions." But the humor of the courts is not confined to the remarks of Judses and counsel. There is the c-as? of the his-

toric juryman who finally said: —"\\ell, I'll give -in, but eleven more obstinate divils' than yourselves I never met in tli'a wliolo course of my life." Juries •ara often-packed in Ireland, and thero is thei-celebrated caso of the friend of ; the prisoner whom the defending solicitor tackled just before he went , into .-court:—'.'Mike,. it's.---the .only, chance for him; no matter-what theothers -say, you disagree, and mind- you . stick to sit.V; The) jury were out for hours, and finally returned' to court, having disagreed. Later on. tlxe_ prisoner's solicitor expressed: his gratitude on behalf of his client. "Shuxe, now, you'd told one -to-disagree,, so I. did, but it was -ak -awful time I hadj for the others were all for acquitting him." t . In. a case in which I was myself defending-, -.two different- juries - had- dis-' agreed,- and Judges Rentoul—who has a well-deserved reputation-as one of the best amongst 'living after-dinner speakI ersnr-was summing up to-a third- jury. He begged them, •if they: could, to come to an agreement. "Gentlemen," he- said, "if;-there are ten.-otr .elevieii af you who are of one opinion, and one- or two wlio are of the other,'those one or two may well say to themselves : 'Here are ten intelligent men who've heard the same as I lave, and are just as well qualified as I am to form an opinion. May it not-be that-they are right and I am wrong?' " and"then Judge Rentoul went on:—"I remember a-case in.which tlie judge hadformed a very strong opinion of tlfei guilt of the . prisoner, so strong that he- summed up dead- for a: conviction,—and expressed his opinion very plainly, and by-*and-bye the jury came back and saidithey disagreed, and by some mistake! let out that they were eleven one way and one the other, and the Judge asked th'ei one juryman how. lie presumed) to persist -mJiis- opinions when- eleven -who had just as good opportunities as he had wstre all 'agreed to. the contrary. 'Well, my Lord,' said the juryman,....'l: j am the only one who agrees with your Lordship.'" Judge Rentoul -had summed up that case so dead against my client that that jury convicted him, and I- carried the case to tits: Court of Criminal Appeal, and lantongst other, points of:- misdirection, which I--alleged., I submitted that 110 juryman lias a right to.subord.inate ; his own .judgment simply because ten or elevJein- thought the contrary, and that Judge R«ntoul'a . suggestion amounted t-oval misdirectionin law. "But," saidi Mr Justice Darling, -"don't you think that what was said was simply said to make an opening for that story ?'-' As a. humble junior .1 could only say. that ;"No-doubt your Lordship is better qualified! to express an- 'opinion on such a. point- than l am." I got a laugh from the Court, but it was" nothing to the one .Mr Justice Darling got back- at-my expense a few minutes later. But of all: legal stories probably the best of. all a.rfenot those whicb are told- or wliicli occur in Court, but those which are .passed. round amongst us "in Hall" or in the Mess Rooms.