FUN AND FANCY.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVI, Issue 10967, 6 January 1912, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

We are suffering from an overproduction of non-producers. Ladv: Suran, I've come down to help von. Servant: I'iu much lather you didn't, please, mum, I'm very busy today ! , "Don'l you think, hubby, that I havo a certain resemblance to. the- Molina, iiisa'-" "H'm yes! But'don't be worried —nobody will steal you-!''' An American, abroad for the,,first time, had, in the due course of his travels, come -to Windsor Castle. 'lt's a great place," he conceded, "but what a pity they built it so near the'-rail-road!'" (to patent medicine "man;: Hp'.c is a curious credential from one of our customers". Medicine Man: I Read it. Clerk: "Before I took your 'elixir my face .was a sight. You ought Lo see it now. Send me another bottle for my mother-in-law." The" proprietor was justly indignant. "Ilow-is it," he demanded, "that I hardly ever find you fellows at work wheii'l come out. here:"' "Well, sir, I'll tell you," volunteered one of the youths. "It's on account of those rubtipr heels that yen wear." An elocutionist was reciting Macaulay's "Battle of Ivry,"and declaimed ! with intense military fervor the lines— I "A thousand spurs are striking deep, ! A thousand spears in rest,. A thousand knights are pressing close

Behind " when he was interrupted by a person in the gallery. "Hold hardj guv'nor!" tie shouted. *' 'Was ,them there knights one-legged ones, .'cos there's only one spur apiece, ycr know?''' •'Out be Mowed!" cried ; the irate batsman, who had been given out "legbefore" by the umpire on the bowler's appeal. -"'Why, man, my log'wasn't in line with the wicket by six inches." "How can von see there?" said the umpire, heatedly. '-'Put your leg-where it was at first, then come to this end and see for yourself." In his" recently published volume of reminiscences,-entitled "In Castle and Courthouse," Mr Ramsay Colles tells of his stay at "a house where the landlady offered bed and board for twentyfive shillings a week. "I assure you," <ie adds, _"L was there a week before I discovered which was the bed-and which the board." ' The young man's wife said td .him, in a shocked.tone, at the end of their repast —"Why, Jack, how extravagant you are! You tipped the waiter half-a-crown." "Hush!" said Jack. "Ho brought me change for a' sovereign when I'd given him only half-a-sovereign. Would you have me be mean after that?" A New Creation. —Margaret, aged 11, had just returned from her first visit to the Zoo. "Well," said her mother, smiling, "did you see the elephants and the giraffe and the kangaroos?" Margaret looked'thoughtful. "We saw the elephant and the giraffe and the dang-ger-oos. : "What?" said Mrs Blank. '".'The dana-ger-oos. It said, ' these animals are D-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s.' " A story of extraordinary deafness was recently unfolded at a meeting of a medical society in Philadelphia. An elderlv ladv, exceedingly hard of hearing, lived near the t river. One afternoon a warship fired a salute of ten guns. The womanV-'alonc hi her little house, waited until the booming ceased. Then she smoothedr'lior dress, brushed bank her hair, and'said sweetly: "Come in."

One day an eight-year-old gir],- who had been taught to report her jpisdeeds promptly -sought her mother with an aspect of grief denoting great penitence. "I broke a brick in'the fireplace," the youngster exnlaine'd, between sobs. !"Woll;' that isn't beyond remedy." smiled the parent, "but how on earth, child, did von do it?" "I was pounding it with father's watch."