ADVENTURES IN NEURASTHENIA.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 10515, 25 July 1910, Page 6

ADVENTURES IN NEURASTHENIA.

'(By O. Henry.)

SOME EXi-KRIENCES OF A NERVESICK MAN SEEKING HEALTH.

So I went to a doctor. ■How long has it been since you took any alcohol into your system?" he asked. Turning my head sidewise, I answered, "Oh, quite a while." He was a young doctor, somewhere between twenty and forty. He wore heliotrope socks, but he looked like Napoleon. I liked him immensely. •Now," said he, "1 am going to show you the effect of alcohol upon your circulation." I think it was '•circulation" he said; it may--have been "advertising." He bared, .my left arm to the elbow, brought out a bottle of whisky, ana gave me a drink. He began to look more like Napoleon. I began to like him better. - Then he put a tight compress on my upper arm, stopped my pulse with, his fingers, and squeezed a rubber hulb connected with an apparatus stand that looked like a thermometer. The mer-

cury" jumped up and down without seeming to stop anywhere; but the doctor said it registered two hundred and thirty-seven or one hundred and sixtyfive or some such number. "Now," said he, "you see what alcohol does to the blood-pressure.'.' "id's marvellous," said I, "but do you think it a sufficient test? Have one on me, and let's try the other arm." But, no! 'Then he grasped my hand. I thought I was doomed and he was saying goodby. But all he wanted to do wa.s to jab a needle into the end of a finger and compare the red drop with a lot of fifty-cent poker-chips that he had fastened to a card. "It's the hemoglobin test," he explained. "The color of your blood is wrong." "Well," said I, "I know it should be blue, but this is a country of mixups. Some of my ancestors were cavaliers; but they got thick with some people on Nantucket Island, so —" •£ mean," said the doctor, "that the. shade of red is too light." "Oh," said I, "it's a case of matching instead of matches." The doctor then pounded me severely in the region of the chest. When he did that 1 don't know whether he reminded me most of Napoleon or Battling or Lord Nelson. Then he lookcd_ grave and mentioned a string of grievances that the flesh is heir to—mostly ending in "itis." I immediately paid him fifteen dollars on account. "Is or are it or some or any of them necessarily fatal?" I asked. I thought my connection with the matter justified my manifesting a certain amount of interest. "All of them," he answered cheerfully. "But their progress may be arrested. With care and proper continuous treatment you may live to be eighty-five or liinety." f began to think of the doctor's bill. "Eighty-five would be sufficient, I am sure." was my comment. I paid him ten dollars more on account. "The first tiling to do," he said, with renewed animation, "is to find a sanitarium where you will get a complete rest for a while and allow your nerves to get into a better condition. I myself will go with you a::d .select a suitable one." So lie took me to a madhouse in the Catskills. It was en a bare mountain freiuiemvd only by infrequent frequenters. You could sec nothing but stoiiec and boulders., some patches f snow and scattered pine-trees. The young physician in charge was most agreeable. He gave me a stimulant without applying a compress to the arm. it was luncheon-time, and we tvere invited to pai-takc. There wore about twenty inmates at little tables in the dining-room. The young physician in charge came to our table and said: "It is a custom with our guests not to regard themselves as patients but merely as tired ladies and gentlemen taking a rest. Whatever slight maladies they may have are never alluded to in conversation." My doctor called loudly to a witress to bring some phosphoglycerate of lime hash, dog-bread, bromo-seltzor pancakes, and mixvomica tea for my repast. Then a sound arose like a sudden wind-storm among pine-trees, '.t was produced by every guest in thrroom whispering loudly, "Neurasthenia!" —except one man with a nese, whom I distinctly heard say, "Chronic alcoholism." I hope to meet him again. Thr- physician in charge turned and walked away. An hour or so after luncheon he conducted us to the workshop—say fii't-.-yards from the house. Thither the guests had been conducted by the physician in charge's understudy an I sponge-holder—a man with feet and a blue sweater. He was so tall that 1 was not sure he had a face: but the Armour Packing Company would have I been delighted with his hand:-;, j "Here." said the physician "h charge, "our guests find relaxation I from pr-iSt mental worries by devoting | themselves to physical labor —recreation, in realitv."

There were turning-lathe?:, carpertor.-, outfits, clay-modelling tools, spin-ning-wheels, weaving-frames, treadmills, mass drums, enlarged-erayon-portrait apparatuses, blacksm'th forges, and everything, seemingly, that could interest the paying lunatic . guests of a first-rate- sanitarium. "The lady making mud-pies in the corner." whispered the physician in charge, "is no other than Lula Lulington, the authoress of the novel entitled ' Why Love Loves.' What she is doing now is simply to rest her mind after performing that piece of work." I had seen the book. "Why doesn't she do it by writing another one inr.tead?" I asked. As you see, I wasn't as far gone as they thought I was. •'The gentleman pouring water through the funnel," continued the physician in charge, "is a Wall Street broker broken down from overwork." I buttoned mv coat.

Others he pointed out wore architects playing with Noah's arks, ?ninisters reading Darwin's "Theory of Evolution," lawyers sawing wood, tiredout society ladies talking Ibsen to the bhif-swfalcr sponge-holder, a neurotic millionaire lying asleep on the floor, rrnr! a prominent artist drawing a little red -.---agon around the room. '"You look pretty strong," said thephysician in charge to me. "I think the best mental relaxation for you would be throwing small boulders over the mountainside and then bringing riiem up again." f was a hundred yards away before ray doctor overtook me. "'"What's the matter?" he asked. '•The matter is," said I. "'that there '■:? no aernulanos handy. So I am going to merrily ayul hastily jog the foot-path-way to yon ctatir-i and catch the first unlimitcd-soft-coal express back to

•town." "Well," said the doctor, "perhaps you are right. This seems hardly the suitable place for you. But what you heed is rest—absolute rest and exercise." That night I went to a hotel in the city, and said to the clerk: "What I need is absolute rest and exercise. Can you give me a room with one oi those tall folding-beds in it, and a relay of -bell-boys to work it up and down while I rest?" The clerk rubbed a speck off one of nis finger-nails and glanced side wise at a tall man in a white hat sitting in the lobby. That man came over and asked me politely if T had seen the shrub-, bery at the west entrance. I had not. so he showed it to me and then looked me over. "I thought you had 'em," he said, not unkindly, "but I guess you're all right. You'd better go see a doctor, old man."

A week afterward my doctor tested my blood-pressure again without the;. preli:i-iinary stimulant. He looked to me a -ittle less like Napoleon. And his socks were of a shade of tan that did not appeal to me. "What you need," he decided, "is sea air slid companionship." . "Would a mermaid—" I began; but he slipped on his professional manner. "I invsclf." he said, "will take yon to the Hotel Bonair off the coast of Long Island and- see that you get in poo:! shape. It is a quiet, comfortable rcsnr't whore you will soon recuperate." The Hotel Bnnair proved to he a nine-hundivd-room fashionable hostelry on an island off the main shore. Everybody who did not dress for dinner was ]

showed into a side dining-room and given only a terrapin-and-champagne table d'hoto. The bay was a great stamping-ground for wealthy yachtsmen. The Corsair anchored there the day we arrived. 1 saw Air Morgan standing on deck eating a cheese-sand-wich and gazing longingly at the hotel. Still, it was a very inexpensive place. Nobody could afford to pay their prices. When you went away you simply left your baggage, stole a skiff, and beat it for the mainland in the night. When I had been there one day I got a pad of monogrammed telegraph blanks at the clerk's desk and began to wire to all my friends for get-away money. My doctor and I played one game of croquet on the golf-links and went to sleep on the lawn. When we got back to town a thought seemed to occur to him suddenly. "By the way," he asked, "how do you feel?" "Relieved of very much," I replied.

Now a consulting .physician is different.- JEe isn't exactly sure whether he is to be paid or not, and this uncertainty insures you either the most -careful or the most careless attention. My doctor took me to see a consulting physician. He .made a poor guess and gave me careful attention. I liked him immensely. He put me through some co-ordination exercises. "Have you a pain in the hack of your head?" he asked. I told him I had not.

"Shut your eyes," he ordered, "put your feet close together, and jump hackward as far as you can." ;'.- •', I always was a good backward jumper with my eyes shut, so I obeyed. My head struck the edge of the bathroom door, which had been left open and was only three feet away. The doctor was very sorry. He had overlooked the fact that the door was open. He closed.it. "Now; touch your nose with your right forefinger," he said. "Where is it?" I asked. .: "Ou.your face," said he. "I mean my.right forefinger,"-X-cx-. plained. "Oh, excuse me," said he. He reopened the bathroom door, and I took my finger out of the crack of it. After I had performed the marvellous digitonasal ftat I said, "I do not wish to deceive you as to symptoms, Doctor; I really have something like a pain in the back of my head." He ignored the-symptom and examined my heart carefully with a latost-popular-air-pemiy-m-the-shot eartrumpet. I felt like a ballad. "Now," he said, "gallop like a horse for about five minutes around the room."

I gave the best imitation I, could of a disqualified Percheron being led out of Madison Square Garden. Then, without dropping in a i>enny, lie listened to my eliest again. •'No glanders in our family, Doc," I said. . The consulting physician held up his forefinger within three inches of my nose. "Look at my finger," he. commanded. "Did you pver try Pears' —" I began; but he went on with his test rapidly. "Now look across the bay. At my finger. Across the bay. At my finger. At my finger., Across the bay. Across the bay. At my finger*. Across the bay." This for about three, minutes. He explained that this was a test of the action of the brain. It seemed easy to me. I never once mistook his finger for. the bay. I'll bet that if he had iised the phrases: "Gaze as it were, iinpreoccupied, ojvtward or rather laterally—in the direction of the horizon, underlaid, so to speak, with the adjacent fluid inlet," and "Now, returning—or, rather, in a rammer withdrawing your attention, bestow it upon my upraised digit"—l'll bet, I say, that Henry James himself could have passed the examination. After asking mc if I had ever bad a grand-uncle with curvature of the spine or a cousin with swelled ankles, the two doctors retired to the- bathroom and sat on the edge of the bath-tub for their consultation. I ate an apple, and gazed first at my finger and then across the- bay. The doctors came out looking grave. More: they looked tombstones and Tcn-nessee-papers-please-copy. They wrote cut a diet list to which I was to be restricted. It had everything that I had ever heard of to eat on it, except snails. And I never eat a snail unless it overtakes nie and bites me first. "You must follow this diet strictly," said the doctors. "I'd follow it a mile if I could get one-tenth of what's en it," I answered. "Of next importance," they went on, "is outdoor air and exercise. And here is a prescription that will be of greatbenefit to yon." Then all of us took something. They took their hats, and I took my departure. I went to a druggist and showed him the prescription. ''ft will be 2.87d01. for an ounce bottle," he said. "Will you give me a piece of your wrapping-cord:'" said I. 1 made a hole in the prescription, .r.".n the cord through it, tied it around my neck, and tucked it inside. All of us hare a little superstition, and mine runs to a confidence in amulets. Of iMiirsc there was nothing the matter with me. but 1 v."as very ill. I couldn't work, sleep, eat, or bowl. The j only way I could get any sympathy was to go without shaving for four days. Even then somebody would say: "Old man, you look as hardy as a pineknot. Been up for a jaunt in the Maine woods, eh?" Then, suddenly, I remembered that I must have outdoor air and exercise. So I went down South to John's. John is an approximate relative by verdict of a .preacher standing with a little book in his hands in a bower of chrysanthemums while a hundred thousand people looked on. John has a country house seven miles from Pineville. It is at an altitude and on the Blue Ridge Mountains in a state too dignified to bo dragged into this controversy. John if mica, which is more valuable and clearer than gold. He met me at Pineville, and we took the trolley-car to his home. It is a big, neighborless cottage on a hill surrounded by a hundred mountains. We got off at his little private station where John's family and Amaryllis met and greeted us. Amaryllis looked at me a trifle anxiously.

A rabbit came bounding across the hill between us and the house. I throw down my suit-case and pursued it hotfoot. After I had run twenty yards and seen it disappear, I sat down on the grass and wept disconsolately. "I can't catch a rabbit any more," I sobbe"d. "I'm of no further use in the world. I may as well be dead." "Oh, what is it —what is it, Brother John?" I heard Amaryllis say. "Nerves a little unstrung," said John, in his calm way. "Don't worry. Get up, you rabbit-chaser, and come on to the house before the biscuits get cold." It was about twilight, and the mountains came up nobly to Miss Murfree's descriptions of them.

Soon after dinner I announced that I believed I could sleep for a year or two, including legal holidays. So I was shown to a room as big and cool as a flower-garden, where there. was a bed as broad as a lawn. Soon afterward the remainder of the household retired, and then there fell upon the land a silence. I had not heard a silence before in years. It was absolute. I raised myself on my elbow and listened to it. Sleep! I thought that if I only could hear a star twinkle or a blade of grass sharpen itself I could compose nivself to rest. I thought once that I heard a sound like the sail_of a. catboat- flapping as it veered about in a breeze, tut

I decided that it was probably only a tack in the carpet. Still I listened. Suddenly some belated little bird alighted upon the window-sill, and, in what lie no doubt considered sleepy tones, enunciated the noise generally translated as "cheep!" I leaped into the air! "Hey! what's the matter down there?"" called John from 'his room above mine.

"Oh, nothing," I answered, "except that I accidentally bumped my head against the ceiling." The nest morning I went out on the porch and looked at the mountains. There were forty-seven of them in sight. I shuddered, went into the big hall sit-ting-room of the house, selected "Pancoast's Family Practice of Medicine" from a bookcase, and began to read. John came in, took the book away from me, and led me outside: He has a farm of three hundred acres furnished with the usual complement of barns, mules, peasantry, and harrows with three front tcetli broken off. I had seen such things in my childhood, and my heart began to sink.

Then John spoke of alfalfa, and I

brightened at once. "Oh, yes," said I, "wasn't she in the chorus of—let's sefr—"

"Green, you know," said John, "and tender, and you plough it under after the first season." "I know," said I, "and the grass grows over her." "Right," said John. "You know something about farming, after all." "I know something of some fanners," said 1,. "and; a sure, scythe will mow them down some day." On the way back, to the house a, beautiful and inexplicable: creature walked across oujJ path. I stopped, irresistibly fascinated, ..gazing .at it. John patiently, smoking his cigarette. He is a modern farmer. After ten minutes he said: "Are you going to stand there looking at that chicken all day? Breakfast is nearly ready." "A chicken?" said I. "A White; Orpington hen,: if you want to particularise." ■' : - "A "White Orpington heri?"-1 repeated, with intense interest. The fowl walked slowly away witb graceful dignity and I followed like a child after the Pied Piper. Five minutes more were allowed me by Jolin, and then he took me by the sleeve, and conducted me to breakfast. i After I had 'been there a week I

began to grow alarmed. I was sleeping and. eating-well and actually beginning to enjoy life. For a man in my desperate condition that would never do. So I sneaked down to the trolleycar station, took the car for Pineville, arid went to see one of the best physicians in town. ' By this time I knew exactly what to do when I needed medical treatment I hung my hat on the back of a chair, and said rapidly: ■ 'Doctor, I have cirrhosis of the heart, indurated arteries, neurasthenia, .neuritis, acute indigestion, and convalescence. I am going. to live on a strict diet. I shall also take a tepid bath at night and a in the morning. I shall endeavor to be cheerful, and fix my mind on pleasant subjects. In the way of drugs I intend to take a phosphorus pill three times a day, preferably after meals, and a tonic composed of the tinctures of gentian, cinchona, calisnya, and cardamom compound. Into each teaspoonful of this I shall mix tincture of mix vomica, beginning with one drop and increasing it a drop each day until the maximum doso is reached. I shall drop this with a medicine-dropper, which can be procured at a trifling cost at any pharmacy. Good morning." T took my hat and walked out. After I • had closed the door I remembered something that I had forgotten to say. I opened it again. The doctor had not moved from where he had been sitting, but he gave a slightly nervous start when he saw me again. "I forgot to mention," said I, "that [ shall also take-absolute rest and exercise.

After this consultation I felt much better. The re-establishing in my mind i;f the fact that I was hopelessly ill gave me so much satisfaction that I almost became gloomy again. There is nothing more alarming to a neurasthenic than to feel himself growing well and cheerful.

John looked after me carefully. After I had evinced so much interest in .lis White Orpington chicken he tried his best to divert my mind, and was particular to lock his henhouse of night. Gradually the tonic mountain air, the wholesome food, and the daily walks among the hills so alleviated my malady that I became utterly wretched and despondent. I heard of a country doctor who lived in the mountains near by. f. went to see him and told him the whole story. He was a grey-bearded man with clear, blue, wrinkled eyes, ; n a home-made suit of grey jeans. I order to save time I diagnosed my case, touched my nose with my right forefinger, struck myself below the knee to make my foot kick, sounded my chest, stuck out my tongue, and asked him the price of cemetery lots in Pineville.

He lit his pipe and looked at me for about three minutes. "Brother," he said, after a while, "you are in a mighty bad way. There's a chance for you to pull through, but it's a mighty slim one."

"What can it be?" I asked eagerly

"I have taken arsenic and gold, phosphorus exercise, mix vomica, hydrotherapeutic baths, rest, excitement, codein, and aromatic spirits of ammonia. Is there anything left in the pharmacopoeia ?" "Somewhere in these mountains," said the doctor, "there's a plant growing—a flowering plant that'll cure you, and it's about the only thing that will. It's of a kind that's as old as the

world; but of late it's powerful scarce and hard to find. You and I will have to hunt it up. I'm getting along in years; but I'll take your case. You'll

have to come every day in the afternoon and help me hunt for this plant till we find it. The city doctors may know a lot about new scientific tilings, but they don't know much about the cures that nature carries around in her sad-dle-bags." So every day the old doctor and I

limited the euro-all plant among the mountains and valleys of the Blue Ridge. Together we toiled up steep heights so slippery with fallen autumn leaves that we had to catch every sapling and branch within our reach to

save us from falling. We waded through gorges and chasms breast-deep with laurel and ferns: we followed the banks of mountain streams for miles; we wound our way like Indians through brakes of pine—roadside, hillside, riverside, mountainside- we explored in our search for the miraculous plant. As the old doctor said, it must have grown scarce and hard to find- it. But we followed our quest. Day bv dav we plumbed the valleys, scaled the heights, and trampled the plateaus :u search of the miraculous plant. Moun-tain-bred, lie never seemed to tire. I often reached home too fatigued to do anything except fall into bed and sleep until morning. This we kept up for a month.

One evening after I had returned from a'six-mile tramp with the old doctor, Amaryllis and I took a little walk under the trees near the road. We looked at the mountains drawing their royal purple robes around them for their night's repose. "I'm glad you're well again," she said. "When yoii first came you frightened me. . I thought you were really ill." ' "Well again!" I almost shrieked. "Do you know that I have only one chance in a thousand to live "

Amaryllis: looked at me in surprise.; "Why," said she, "you are as strong as one of the plough mules, you sleep ten or twelve hours evei-y night, and you are eating us out of house and home. What more do you want?" "I tell you," said I, "that unless we find the magic—that is, the plant we are looking for—in- time, nothing can save me. The doctor tells me so." "What doctor?" ' 'Doctor Tatum —the • old doctor who lives halfway up Black Mountain. Do you know him?" "I have known him since I was able to talk. And is that where you goevefy day—is it he who takes you on these-long walks and climbs that have brought back your health and strength ? God bless the old doctor." Just then the old doctor himself drove slowly down the road in his rickety old buggy. I waved my hand at" him and shouted that I would be on hand the next d ay at the iisual time. He stopped his horse and called to Amaryllis to come to him. They talked for five minutes while I waited. Then the old doctor drove oh.

When we got to. the house Amaryllis lugged out an encyclopedia and sought a word in it. "The doctor said," she told me, "that you needn't call any more as a patient,-,hut he'd be glad to see you any time as a friend. And then he told 'me top Look up my name in the encyclopedia and' tell you what it means. It seems to be the name of a genus of flowering plants and also the name of a countrj' girl in Theocritus and Vergil. What do you suppose the doctor meant by that?" "I know what he meant," said I. -"I know now."

A word to a brother who may have come under the spell of the unquiet Lady Neurasthenia. The formula was true. Even though gropingly at times, the physicians -if the walled cities had put their fingers upon the specific medicament . And so for the exercise one is referred to good Dr Tatum oil Black Oak Mountain—take the road to your right at the Methodist meeting-house in the pine-grove. Absolute rest and exercise!

What rest more remedial than to sit with Amaryllis in the shade, and, with a sixth sense, read the wordless Theoeri-

tan idyll of the golf»baunered blue mountains marching orderly into the dormitories of the night?