The Abbreviating Ass.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XVII, Issue 5204, 10 February 1892, Page 4

The Abbreviating Ass.

(Bv a Social Reformer in the London Globe.) Of course we have all met him. Indeed he pervades the place. We may hear him braying aloud in the drawing-room, the club smoking-room, anywhere in short where he can make himself heard. I refer to the gentleman who will insist on cutting off half or three-quarters of a word and then expect you to recognise it in its dilapidated condition ; the gentleman who asks you if you will have a "eig," or if you have taken your " constitu " to-day, or who wishes you an " M.C.," meaning by that a Merry Christmas. Who dues not know him . Who has not endured agonies trying to make out what he is talking about, and mildly wondering why the hearth-rug does not open and swallow him up ■ And yet, after all, it is a splendid mental discipline to undergo. It reminds us of the days when we were hauled up by our infuriated schoolmaster, placed in front of a blackboard with a piece of chalk, and commanded, on pain of instant caning, to construct a triangle, having given one point and the base line. Tn this case, however, what we have to do is to construct a word, having given one or more syllables. Of course, you fail hopelessly at first. My first introduction to one of these strange creatures took place about 18 months ago. I was walking down Regent-street, alone and by myself, as the Latin exercise books used to say, when I was accosted by a man whom I knew sii"ht)y, and who asked me if I had been to "the "Gondoes." I had not the faintest idea what he meant, so answered boldly in the negative. " Oh," he replied, "I thought I saw you there lastnight." I remembered, then, I had been to a performance of the " Gondoliers" the night before. When I heard this peculiar way of talking my heart leaped up for very zeal. I instantly gave up teaching in che Sunday schools and leaving religious tracts about in public places, and devoted myself to the higher and nobler work of endeavoring to save this abandoned man from utter ruin. I remonstrated with him gently on the peculiar. attitude he adopted towards certain words. " My dear fellow," he expostulated, " life is much too short for some of the words in the English language. If everybody used " abbrevias' people, would be able to prolong their life to about twice its ordinary length." I have found that it is the same with all members of this class. It is absolutely impossible to lead them bock into the paths of rectitude. Is ay more, they seem to glory in their guilt, and talk about instituting a new society for the spelling reform, if they can only get some well known person to be its "pres,"by which I suppose they mean "president." Now, I have studied this truly wonderful specimen of humanity with great interest, and I feel even more certain than most of my great literary contemporaries that I shall be " supplying a long-felt want" if I disclose my plan for getting lid of him. Supposing my friend A. looks me up in my room and begins torturing me with his "abbrevias." I send round a note to my friend 8., who is afflicted with a similar disease, and ask him to step round. B. conies in, and a magnificent battle ensues between the two rivals, while I retire into the corner and watch the fray. A. begins the attack with a good all-round volley in the following style : "I hear Jones has got a 'schol' at 'Bart's.' I should awf'ly like ail 'intro' to him." This rather takes B. by surprise, so he sends out a few sharpshooters to reconnoitre. "Oh! you'll find him a very 'indifT soifc of fellow. He didn't seem to mind a bit about the result of his ' exam."' "Talking of exams," says A., returning to the charge, "reminds me of when the 'guv' determined to send me in for the law 'biz.' I got through the ' prelim ' all right, but the final was too much," etc., etc., etc. After a little more of this, B. finds out he has met his match, and wisely withdraws his forces. A. sees his chance of crushing a rival, and proposes walking home with him, and let us hope he makes good use of his opportunity. If they can be so awful as this on such an unfruitful subject as examinations, judge what they must be like 011 ordinary topics. This plan is fairly simple, but while the combat takes place in your presence you see that it has its disadvantages. The mental anguish you suffer is almost beyond belief. On the whole, though, the principle of setting a thief to catch a thief turns out successfully in this case. As far as I can see, these wretched mortals pursue no fixed rules in mutilating the English language. Whenever a syllable appears out of place in their eyes, they simply knock it off", and tliey do this with no more compunction than an organgrinder feels as he hammers through his four delicious airs. I hold that people who say " rugger " instead of Rugby football, whotallTof "socer" instead of Association football, who speak of a vice-president as a "V.P.," who only know the word college in its murdered form of " coll," and who are, as tliey themselves would say. "awful species" i.e., specimens) — such persons, I hold, ought to be imprisoned for life. Why, I should like to know, should mathematics be called "maths," or arithmetic "aritli," or the gymnasium the "gym," or football "footer," or the "Mikado" the "Mik,'' or anything else by any other name than its own? And yet I must admit this disease is exceedingly catching. After listening to some of these marvels for half an hour, you begin insensibly to talk about "hered" for hereditary, and "sec" for secretary, "indispen" for indispensable ; you begin to wish people "M.H.R." instead of "Many happy returns," and so on. Indeed, I once knew a man who revered the English language as no man ever did before him. And yet this man came up to me oil my birthday and exclaimed "Mlirotd," pronouncing the letters separately. I said I was very much obliged to him, and asked him what he meant. He merely said, "Many happy returns of the day," and passed on, marvelling at my ignorance. Since then I have endeavored to improve myse!f in this respect, and now I do not feel satisfied till I have chopped every word into a form which is absolutely unrecognisable by any of my acquaintances. There is only one thing worse than hearing this jargon spoken, and that is to speak it yourself. You will find, as I did, that your old friends cut you, people begin whispering and looking at- you compassionately when you come into a room, old ladies shake their heads sadly when you are mentioned, and you cannot for the life of you make out what you have done. At the same time, you are eaten up with an awful envy of all who dare to follow in your footsteps. Actors and their jealousies are as nothing when compared with your blind rage as a rival presents to you a fragment of a word which you cannot swell out to its natural size. And why is it you are sent to Coventry ? Your "educa," you reason to yourself has not been neglected ; you are as " intell" as most people you come across ; your " phys "is not a bad one, etc. Mj* poor friend, my deal- brother in madness, my beloved fellow-sufferer, you may be as intellectual as Macaulay, or as handsom as your next door neighbor, but if you persist in using abbreviations you will never succeed.