RANDOM NOTES.

Oamaru Mail, Volume I, Issue 115, 2 September 1876, Page 2

RANDOM NOTES.

llv MAGGUFFIN.

" A thiol's auiaujf ye takin' notes, An' faith he'il prent 'em." BI'RNS. To those of a philosophical turn of mind the bi-monthly meetings of the Municipal Council supply ample food for reflection. By the way, I have often sought for a reason why Committee-men, Municipal Councillors, Senators, et hoc genus onvue, always select either the shades of eve, or when night has drooped her sable mantle, for the indulgence of their debating or oratorical powers. Although I have not been without seeking a solution, the problem to this day remains unsolved. Magginnis, who can " see as far through a stone wall as most people," asserts that the wit of all City Fathers is something like the glow-worm, whose scintillations never flash unless in an aroma of murky darkness. This, of course, is taking a rather cynical view of the matter, yet Mag. is not without ground for his assertion. I know that after reading the verbatim (I) reports which appear in the daily prints, it is a hard task indeed on my part to associate the high-flown oratorial displays wit'.i the very commonplace diurnal utterances of our legislators in propria persona'. And talking of verbatim reports, I wonder, when Mr. Smart reads his caustic Phillippic against Mr. Strong, for his disgraceful conduct re the Town Pump, does he really believe he is the bonafide author of the tirade? Does he ever dream that his elegant diction, his flowing syntax, and his pleasing prosody, lias been through the reporter's crucible. I wot not. I have 110 doubt he believes himself to be a marvellously clever fellow : never dreaming of the refining proems j to which his utterances had been subjected. I remember a certain Victorian legislator taking exception to the manner in which his speeches were summarised by the Melbourne Thunderer, and writing a very strong dissent thereto. On one occasion the lion, member had crammed himself on a particular subject, on which he hoped to create a sensation, and after having succeeded in " catching the Speaker's eye," lie poured forth a flood of eloquence which, in his own estimation, was worthy of a Pitt, a Fox, or a Burke. Conceive his indignation, then, 011 unfolding the pages of the print in question, to find his peroration pruned down to : " After a few remarks from Mr. Nemo." Flesh and blood- could not stand it, so Mr. Nemo determined to give the Argus a bit of his mind. Unfortunately, however, for the irate orator, his mental culture had been perfected before the introduction of " Compulsory education," and, as a consequence, the direful threats hurled at the offending journal, though of fifty-horse power in the matter of strength, were weak as water in a grammatical sense. In a moment of weakness, he did what many a recreant lover has f_imd to be a mistake —he put pen to paper. A missive, grand and sublime in its indignation, was despatched, in which it was announced that "duty to his constituents and the public demanded that his utterances should be made known." But a terriHe retribution was at hand. The Argus published the document verbatim et literatim, the orthography of which was a compound of Artemus Ward, Josh Billings, and Pitman's phonetic. In a foot note the editor drew attention to it as a literary curiosity, and calmly asked an intelligent public if he did not deserve the thanks of the community for the infliction it had been saved. If a man, after mature deliberation and careful study, could produce such a precious effusion, he asked had he not done a public benefit by ignoring the extemporaneous speeches of its author ? Poor Nemo retired from the contest, and although he held his seat to the end of the Session, the reporters' labors, as far lie was concerned, became a sinecure, and " Hansard" was innocent of his name. Too late he recognised the truth of the adage, " Speech is silvern, but silence is golden," so grace? illy retiring j within himself, he afterwards was known as the Silent Member. But, metlii::ks like my fr.end Mr. Fredericks, the new Agent-General, I am digressing. So to "resume my subject." As I am now about to touch upon a " tender " point, I trust I will not tread too heavily upon the corns of any. I was somewhat mystified at the vast disparity existing between the estimates of the various tenderers for the works in Itchen and other streets. While Mr, Battersby's tender was put in at £96, the others gradually narrowed down to that of. Heron and Co. at £35. T:iere must be a screw loose somewher.j ; for if the astute Mr. Battersby has based his estimates upon anything like reliable calculations, then I pity Heron and Co.

But if, on the* contrary, Heron can make salt on the operation, what a stroke Bat. tersby would have done had he been the successful tenderer. No doubt the ninety, six pounder will be as much puzzled as j am j but I suppose it all depends up on " the style in which it's done." I think the "Britisher" of the Bnst(t must be some relation to the humane Quaker who addressed a- canine offender in the following terms :—" I will neither beat thee, nor abuse thee, but I will gi Ve thee a bad name ; so, hallo ! mad dog!" The course adopted was successful, for an outcry was quickly made, and the delinquent stoned to death. Perhaps the Rev. Mr. Agnew will pardon me for the simile, but it strikes me that the disgrace, ful manner in which he has been treated makes it appear as if the Quakerian tactics were being carried out. lam not j Britisher, but yet I give the nation the credit for an innate love of fair play, and L must certainly say that if the writer oi +he attacks on the rev. gentleman can with truth lay claim to the term, he is not i member of whom his countrymen need he proud. Even if the gravest charges thai he alleges against Mr. Agnew were true and the lectures given from a purely p et l sonal interest, where is the enormity of i man who, through a physical disability, j, debarred from earning an honest live lihood for his family with his handi, doing so with his head ? I am fj from holding that Ministers of the Gospel no matter what may be their tenets a faith, might b3 easily dispensed with, anj I merely mention the fact that the ret '/entleman is unfortunately unable ti compete in the ranks of manual labor, | silenca the carpings of those malconteni who think so. For his own sake, Hi well for Mr. " Britisher" that he hadthi discretion to assume a nom de jyiume, fa he has secured a measure of contemp which is not to be envied.