ON THE BEAT.

Oamaru Mail, Volume I, Issue 50, 19 June 1876, Page 2

ON THE BEAT.

By CONSTABLE X.

* ••' (Juiou lakitani thaka na vinaca sa qui taki onquo." Thakajibau's Advice to his Sox. Have you ever had a handy man in the house, just to do an odd job or two ? If you have not indulged in the luxury, let me tell you that it is best to follow Punch's advice to folks about to marry :—Don't. We had a handy man round our way last week. He said he could do anything, and make anything from a baby's cot to a four-roomed house. We liked the look of the- man, told him we had a few little things that wanted repairing and fixing, and should be glad if he would make a start in the morning. I left home in the morning feeling confident that the handy man would make quite a transformation in my little home—and he did. Yes, he transmogrified everything. The first article he commenced on was a 12s. 6d. chair. The wife wanted it cut down a little, it would be so handy for nursing. lie began on the hind legs and took throe inches off them, and then he cut three inches off the front ones. The chair, however, didn't stand up right, so he took two more inches off the hind legs and then the same off the front. The result was the same—the chair would not rest level on its four legs. Then lie pulled out a lump of chalk to calculate on the best teatrav how much he ought to take off the hind legs to make them even with the other two. After he had pretty well spoiled the tray he found out that two inches off the hind aud one inch and a sixteenth off the front would about level matters. He set to sawing at the left-hand leg when it split right up to the cross-bar. My wife said it was a bad job, and asked him how he was going to manage now. He said it was easy enough, merely to saw off the other legs to same length as the one that broke off. This was a "reed to, and now that chair stands eight inches from the ground, and isn't comfortable enough to nurse a kitten in, let alone a baby. The next job the handy man tackled wa3 mending a silver teapot. He had to fix on the handle. It was easy enough to do, if Ave onlv had a soldering iron ; of course, we had no such thing, but the handy man said it did not matter, as a poker would do just as well. He said it would have to be a clean poker, so they put the shiny one out of the drawingroom into the fire. When the poker was getting hot, the handy man tackled the kitchen clock. There was not much the matter with it; the main-spring was the only part of it broken. The handy man said that was nothing, he could easily fit a new piece in the spring,^if we had only got a piece of good steel. The servant said '* the only steel that was in the house was what was in the missus's stays." That was just the very tiling, so the stays were soon ripped open, aud a piece selected to patch up the clockspring. Just then one of the youngsters reminded Handy that, the poker was was ready for mendiijjg..the, teapot. The poker was quite m- fact, too ready, for all the bright encLof it had been melted off. Handy said this didn't matter, as there was quite sufficient left *to solder the tea-pot. The next thing wanted was some spirits o£ salt. There were none? in the house, but if vitriol would do there was plenty. Of course it would do,- so they poured some of the sulphuric acid on the handle of the teapot and then put what was left of the hot poker on to it, and—then the house was cleared. The teapot cleared out throuch the front window, and smashed a 4 x 10 patio of glass. The handy man returned with a portion of the poker in his cheek ; and the rest of the household were scared most terribly. After they got over the fright, the handy man returned to finish the clock, aud after breaking up the busks of a pair of stays, he wound up the clock spring so as to fix on the new piece. But he hadn't wound far before the whole of the machinery tlew round at a terrific pace. The clock went whirling round the room like a whip snake, and buzzed about like a blue bottle. At last it came against the looking-glass, and "starred" it all over. That glass cost me £l2. I happened to come home just at this time, and before I was scarcely inside the kitchen both my eyes were closed with the confounded clock, which hadn't unwound itself, and was'still flying round. I ducked my head aud then got another in the stomach, aii.l this stopped the clock. I looked round f««r the handv man, but he was gone, and has never called" yet for that half day's wages. No more handy men. A» old friend of mine—one of the most genial fellows I have ever met—had a singular adventure the other evening. He had been to a little entertainment with his wife ami another voting lady. Of course, gallantry demanded that he should see the young lady home, which he accordingly did. On returnin:.', it occurred to him that it would be advisable to take a short cut back. It was rather a rough road, aud through a buryingground, but that was nothing, he had no fear of ghosts, of course not, the idea was absurd.. Coming near the last resting place of the dead, lie felt a kind of cold sweat pass all over him, still, not sufficient to deter him from taking the short cut. He jumped the fence like a greyhound, and was jogging along comfortable enough when—o Lord ! splash '. plop down he was in an eight-foot ••rave, with his chin resting on his knees. Mis teeth chattered, but" pulling himself together, ho scrambled out, and then another cropper over the tangled grass. This, however, was not sufficient to deter my friend from taking the short cut. He pushed on brisklv for the other side of the graveyard, and was within ten yards of the fence when hoi Tors ! out rushed a white object. It gave a low groan, and then slowly advanced towards niv friend. To yell out at the top of his voice and strike for the fence was the work of a second. The white object still followed him ; he could feel its hot breath as it panted along to catch the desecrating intruder. The fence at last was reached; one bound, and he would be over and clear of the consecrated

ground, when crash, crash, he felt himself gripped from behind, and hanging with his head down and his feet in the air. Had the white object collated him, determined ■to keep him prisoner in the graveyard ? Great ; heavens ! it could never be. He felt his hat, and found that it had risen on his head three •inches.: He made one despairing effort, and at'last freed himself from his pursuer,-which goat. He could never make out what had held him to the fence, till he arrived home, when his wife, noticing his blanched face, asked the reason. A look at his dresscoat repealed all. It had caught in the fence, and was split right up from the tails to the ! collar. A nail in the fence had caused all [-the fright and mischief. Now, my friend ' cannot be induced to take such a short cut l even in daylight.