APRES LA GUERRE

NZ Truth, Issue 998, 10 January 1925, Page 3

APRES LA GUERRE

A Day At Hanmer Springs

Hanmer Springs, writes "A.V.DA" from the military sanatorium, is situated about 100 miles from anywhere, as the fly crows, and is entirely surrounded by hills and rabbits. In the winter these ferocious animals (the rabbits, of course), driven desperate by hunger, have been known to come down from the hills and fearlessly attack full-grown cabbages.

The inhabitants of Hanmer may be divided, roughly, into three classes — the patients at Queen Mary's Hospital, the Hospital Staff, and the Tourists. The patients are, of course, the most interesting part of the community, and are suffering from divers maladies, real and imaginary— some suffering from a too earnest pursuit of the delusive dollar, others from oscillatory plumbitis (a disease practically unknown prior to the Great War), and others again whose chief ailment appears to be a damming: of their, thinking apparatus and chronic overflow of words. The last are the most difficult cases to have, to associate with, especially after lights out, when silence reigns supreme, broken only by the modulated cadence of snores, which arise m thick clouds and heavy from some ten or twelve men whose concerted efforts would make a jazz band weep tears of envy. Then these afore-mentioned cases gather together, and, haying, .affixed rubber heels to their voices, lest they •disturb the Night Nurses' slumbers, proceed to deliver themselves of their vapid vaporings.

The Tourists are a well-assorted lot, and provide yards of innocent merriment for the patients. They walk, stroll, strut, waddle or otherwise peregrinate on to the golf links, clad m coats of many colors, an fl, armed with various clubs and well-stocked vocabularies, proceed to smite, hit, miss or push small white balls from hole to hole round a paddock, m the course of which the balls are frequently lost, when the language of the players becomes unfit for any nerve case to hear as they complain about their bad luck and bad lies, but methinks their worst lies are over the dinner table anent their beating bogey, whoever he may bo. However, a's the tourists appear to derive a certain amount of amusement from their exertions, and are really .quite harmless, they are treated by the patients with good-humored tolerance. •

The topmost branch of the staff is, of course, occupied by the Colonel, and on the lower branches may be found several other knuts, one of whom comes round every morning and asks irith a now-no-lead-swinging look In his eye (and occasionally, m both of them) "How are you?" The correct answer is "All right, sir!" delivered m a tone of voice calculated to make a Bengal tiger purr.

After this inquisitor has departed, one is forcibly permitted to take part m a gymnastic display, where one's twisted and rheumatic limbs are made to perform weird and wonderful contortions which, by comparison, would make a Jazzing dinosaurus appear graceful as an antelope.

Then away to the massage department, where fair damsels take the more unruly patients m hand, and by a process of gentle stroking and the application of the wire brush (a relic from the. days of the Inquisition) reduce them to such a condition that they will sit up and feed from the masseuses' hands. The day's work is not complete without a round of golf m which the players advance m massed formation and the air is filled with flying colonels and the heartrending groans of the wounded. Golf played under these conditions is infinitely more exciting than the humdrum game as played m most places. .

After tea, nice soothing pictures are screened where desperadoes are filled so full of lead that they would make a good foundation stone for the National Debt, and the fair and innocent damsel falls into Hail-trigger Horace's arms with a dull and sickening thud.

Then, as Pepys would say, to bed, and the Night Sister enters and approaches the first bed, which is unoccupied, and inquires m a hoarse whisper, which is almost a neigh: "Are you asleep?" On receiving no response she makes a closer inspection and finds the bed untenanted, looks up records, and finds that the last occupant was discharged two days ago. She duly marks him off as absent, and moves on to the next bed, whose occupant is snoring lustily. She listens entranced, and two huge tears wander down her cheeks, and fall' with a sad and sodden splosh on to the foot of the bed, as she murmurs: "Oh, how those sounds remind me of my favorite pig way down on the old farm." The patient, half awakened by the tears having percolated through one Blue counterpane, four grey rugs and a patched sheet and. trickled round his ankles, mutters dreamily.

As the next patient's feet are not set at the regulation angle of fortyflve degrees, she makes the necessary adjustment and passes on.

A voice from an adjoining bed is heard: "Sister, I can't s.leep." He is told gently but firmly that, as the Regulations state clearly that between the hours of 9 p.m. and 7 a.m. all patients should be asleep, it Is obviously ridiculous for him to say that he is not asleep.

After completing the ro md of the ward, she makes an exit down a side passage, and we all turn over, by numbers, and settle ourselves for half an hour's sleep before the Nurse takes her turn to do the round. The Nurse, being younger and more racily built, does twice round the Ward at a rare clip. , We have repeatedly timed her to do it ih»s9 1/5 seconds. •

And so the night drags on, until one is finally awakened by the plaintive voices of the gold fish m the pond as they practise their scales. Then the Day Sister appears and we realise that we are to be graciously permitted to spend another day at Hanmer Springs.

This description would be; incomplete without reference to the Ten Commandments of Queen Mary's Hospital:—

1. Thou shalt worship none other than the Chief, for he is the Colonel and verily he- hath a hard shell. , 2. Thou shalt obey the Sisters and honor them, and kow-tow to the Quacks, that thy days may be long m the Land of Hanmer Springs.

3. Thou shalt attend massage and cheerfully endure the tortures thereof, for I say unto you that it is for your ultimate welfare.

4. Thou shalt also be present at Gymnasium and perform the exercise of "Head backward bend," lest peradventure ye become stiff-necked even as the Pharisees.

, 5. Thou shalt not murder the Colonel, nor the Quacks, nor' the Sisters, nor the- Nurses,' for although ye suffer much provocation, thou must remember that thy license to murder expired with the Armistice. .

V 6. Thou shalt not covet thy cobber's ability to swing the lead, nor' his Golf Clubs, nor his egg flip, nor anything that is his. .

7. Thou shalt arise from thy bed at 7 a.m; and retire before 8.45 p.m., for the Night Sister wilt not hold him guiltless who transgresses these rules. 8. Thou shalt concentrate thy mind upon getting well, and adjure all worry, for know ye that thy complaint is but imagination, for the Quack hath told thee so.

9. Thou shalt inform' the Quack that the. gunshot wound m the back of thy heck' is hereditary and mno way a war disability, for they can then discontinue thy pension.

lOi Thou, shalt submit to all manner of foolish Questionings from the Quacks, for thou must comprehend that xto their limited intelligence all ye are but mental cases and this is a half-way, house, .'