A VERY, VERY GOOD WOMAN

NZ Truth, Issue 994, 13 December 1924, Page 1

A VERY, VERY GOOD WOMAN

I Where Did She Go To ? Her Moral Crusade. Once upon a Time 'there was a Woman who was Very, Very Good. Virtue, m Fact, was Her Profession. She went to, Church Regularly and knew all the Services by Heart. She also took Fine Care to Know who was There and who was Not There: and she used to send the Latter a Circular .on Monday. | Everybody Said she was a Wonderful Worker. So Hard did she Work on the Committee for Providing the Schoolroom with Colored Texts, and for the Fund for the Unclothed and Unconverted Unamites of Unawai, that she Really had no Time to Sew her Old Man's Buttons on or Darn His Socks. Folks said there were More Nails ; in< His Pants than m Hindenburg's Statue: and That it took a Drfrn Lot of Imagination and Politeness to see Socks where Gaiters were. She was Very Strong on Charity. Unaided, she Raised One Hundred Pounds for the Retreat for Gentlewomen m Reduced Circumstances. But she Drew the Line at Some Things. When Mary Jane, Her Orphan Niece, who Had A Baby and could not get Work, Asked Her for Help or a Job she Said it Wrung Her Heart to say No, but Principles were principles and she had Always Opposed Indiscriminate Charity ("which only Encourages Them, You Know," she Used to Say) and she Told Niece Mary Jane what Nice Institutions the Government had Provided for Poor Things like Her. She did, However, out of the Goodness of her Heart, give Mary Jane a Splendid Little Tract of .Mr. Wowsing's called the Wages of Sin and Illustrated m Two Colors; and promised to Pray For Her. Unfortunately, Mary Jane was Too Ignorant to Appreciate the Goodness of the Woman; and, with the Tears Running down 'her Hollow Cheeks, Cursed her aunt where she Stood and Threw the Wages of Sin at Her Head: She was Strong on Prohibition, Too; At Election Time she used to Visit nearly Every house m Town to Boost .the Cold-Tea Candidate. For This was thq Principal of her Principles. She usecj to say that If the Foremost Statesman m the World and A Chow were contesting a Seat and the Yellow Fellbw*'?was. Dry but the Statesman wasWqtj she would Vote for the Chow with/'gpth. Hands. , .. ;

She would Stop Women m the Street to Tell them m a Strong Voice that She had Just Seen their Husbands go into a Public House and give them Some Literature and Statistics.- This Noble Work, however, was Not Appreciated.. A Wowser is Without Honor m his Own Country. Her Husband was Not as Good as she Was. He was Only Half her Weight and Short Sighted and FunnyLooking. He \ used to Cook his Own Meals and the Kids' after Work, his Noble Wife being Too Much' occupied with The Appeal for Starving Central Europe to Bother About Little Things like That. Friends of, his Wife used to Tell him he didn't Deserve Such a Treasure as he Had. He Agreed with them Earnestly. As far as He Knew, he said. He'd done Nothin' to deserve Such a One at all, At All. Above her Kitchen Door there Was a Large Glass-Covered Text, "Peace, Gentleness and Love;'.' but the glass was Cracked. Her Husband had cracked it, the Boor, by Dodging the Flat-ii'on she Heaved at him the Night he had a. Beer with His Brother. • Against the , Movies she- was Very, Very Hot. She used to Go Twice a Week to Them and Come Home and tell her Husband who was Minding thei'Kids how she was Surprised Anyone could Sit and Look at such Awfulness. She used to Read all the Hollywood Scandal and Tell it ■to her Friends. She said it was Her Duty to .establish Public Opinion against Such a Traffic- ■ She was Awfully Unselfish. She Worried far more about Other People's Concerns than she dil about her Own. But She didn't mind, Not a Bit. .She' was a Good woman.- She Reckoned if there was Anything she Hated Listening to it was Gossip, but she Suffered it so she "could Go' and tell the Innocent Party and straighten Things Out. Most People would no£ Care about^doing This. But She w,asa Very Good Woman and> was Always the First to ask the Wife if she'Kriew her Husband was chasing Aroun.l at Nights with a Vampire. She Called, herself a Pub-' lie Guardian. Folks who Were jeal-, ous of her called her a Public Pest and a Nosey Old. Cat. She thought Dancing ought to be Prohibited. She said the Way Fellows Carried on Svith: Girls m . those Jazzes was Too Awful for "Words. But she Found the Word's/ She. said she Had Not Seen them Herseff— she would rather- Perish on the Spot than enter a Dance Hall— but She KneV all about It. And When the Town-had- decided, to Have a Kiddies'. Ball she wrote Fit-: teen Letters to the Paper about'- 'it' and took Round a Protest which she Got Fifty to sign. The Signers were Nearly All .Old Maids.'.who had Never had a Dance m their Lives. • But It Looked Imposing, and the Ball was Postponed! Indefinitely on account of it; She felt a Glow of Virtuous Satisfacr' ti'on at it: but perhaps she didn't Know that:the.,':p6or Little Blighters who had all their "Fancy Togs and Curling Pin^ ready nearly Broke their Hearts sob-j. bing Over it. i . •' ' She Brought her two, children Up m Her own way. „ '.' She .Never Let them do anything Frivolous when they Might be doing something Improving, though she Often Forget, being So Busy, to come Home m Time to let them In put of the Rain. She never Allowed them to read anything that was not Improving, and never, Never allowed 4hem to go. to the Pictures unless they were those Admirable Edu-: cational Films supplied by the tion Department Free of Charge. But, Sad to. Relate, they Disappointed her, Rebecca away with a Circus Rider, and Isaac getting Screwed and Jugged for it at Sixteen years of Age She said it was a Trial sent to Test Her. ■ The-Way she Bore up was Wonderful. Some People said .; she Drove the Poor Little Beggars' to it. '.;■ When she Died, she had a Swell Funeral- and everybody 'sent. Flowers. The Reverend . Mr. Wowsitig preached an eloquent ' sermon About ..her, m Which he Referred to her "as Oiir Dear Departed Sister now m Paradise." Do you think that the Rev. Gentlemah!s Intelligence Department got that information ' correctly .' Is it possible that the wires to Paradise and the Other Place got crossed? -.-"■■• . — C.H.O.