THE Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 936, 3 November 1923, Page 1

THE Critic

America's national airs may •be all right, but doesn't she put them on! Difficulty about establishing this World Court is that no nation wants to be caught. x y Those who attend conferences and still draw their pay are called "the executive." Politicians m England are reported to be having a crowded week- — "full of campaigning." Wonder if that is a misprint of "champagneing?" Anglers are fairly resourceful m telling: of their exploits. The seaangler, howevor, is at a disadvantage m describing the size of that huge octopus he landed. Because the narrator has only "two arms. ' si j: :: You have no excuse " for bumping ! into a motor car at night because the i car had no lights. Had you looked ! more closely you would have seen that the driver of the other car - was » lit up. x

The author of the banana, tune is said to have got £15,000 for it. He lost a lot of money by neglecting to copyright all the inevitable, obvious and natural l-.y corollary jokes. The cy nio is rif person who makes a fortune put of making charms for the superstitious. Another point against Prohibition: decrease m postal revenue because of the difficulty m licking stamps. Love at first sight saves a lot of time. : : : : Most of the sermons we listen to m church are well - timed. So many people have, stop - watches nowadays. : : : : | Talking about aeroplanes and lawyers there seems to be something m common bet w e n safenying and safe3ying. A gap m tho conversation may often be caused by a yawn. : : Mx "Crjtic"" i» assured that it is possible to live for an indefinite period on bananas. But bananas are expensive — and yes, we have none.

Some souls go to a warm clinio. Some soles climb into freezers.' Some i soles are well iloumlered and should not be given away froe, sir, yet they ' are sold. Very fishy and ancienj — like most chokes. :: ti :: It was recently decided by the High Court of England that port wine was not port unless it came from Portugal. By that rule It looks as If beer Isn't beer unless it cornea from Arabia. What's m a name, anyway? :: , Ji t: Cableu tell us of another family tomb having boen rifled. It is high timo that those rifios wero called m. v si t» A jnovellat recently wrote: "To con* tlnue to be a man's sweetheart though hi* wife — that Is the gentle art of stayins married." Divorce Court records indicate that tho number of students of the art is not increasing. t: ;: ti "Critic" has yet to find tho man who can bo happy while still able to remember and forget. :: «: i: Says a "N.Z." newspaper ot "William: W« aro fortunate m tho man, for he is essentially natural and unaffected In hl« ways, making no claims to rhetoric, and using only the most homely and biblical metaphors. But what about his bibulous simlleo? t: t: t : The tailor who advertised for two experienced t rouse r hands must have bocn rushed by applicants. So many alouchinj!: youths seldom have thoir hands out of tho pockets of their nether garments. And then there nre tho experienced wives who know where tho surplus chango is -kept. *'. :: :: From a Christchurch daily's I^yttol■ton news: Tl»o town clerk la ;it pr<«;«nt undergoing overhauling and ch-aning. Tho north fuco will havi- v now centra of plate gla*g ftttetl. The Itxtortor walls are being painted nmJ this Hjuouhi have the effect oS- providing brlghi«ir lighting. The improvemenur will be very much appreciated by resident*. In Christchurch tho Town Clerk has just resigned. Probably the action of L,yttelton towards Its Town Clerk put the breoxa up that officer: jn Christchurch.

When the Tide Went Oat ; "" ' ■. — . — ♦ ["Tho beer poured down the throats of the people of England and Wales -In one year would fill a canal 50 yards wide, 15 feet deep, and 50 miles long." — Mr, Giffen Gordon, financial organiser of the Anti-Uquor League.] . The good old folk., across the- sea, In England and m Wales, Know what a loss of time and cash That drinking beer entails. So for the space of one short ■ V-, ; year . •...-,..- They mad© the land quite dry, And all the boozo the brewers brewed They carefully put by. A mighty- contract then they let, To dig- a stunning- well. Wherein they tipped the liquor 3aved During tho droughty spell. Ah. how tho workmen toiled and slaved! They asked no day, But struggled on from, noon till night And sang the hours away. And when at last the job was through. Great was tho jubilation To see the beer-filled swimming baths • Of Brighton's Corporation. L.o, all the hobos m tho land "Who hadn't bathed for years Turned out m colored swimming trunks And dived m from the piers! Swimming thon became che* rage. And thousands gathered there Till bathing m the baths beeamo A national alTair. Alas, though once the depth was good. ,- V « - Ami all the banks brimmed high, ' , • The beet? went down and down and down Until the baths went dry: —"Frank Dec*

It is hard to tmdierstand**why aihorse is called a nag. A horse is a dumb t: ;: :s Plenty of our MJEVs- xilaim. tovhava tho courage of speech. Few of v taem possess the daring' of silence. The dearer a woman is to you the more dear sh.e> becomes. And such a lot of thJTigyi become her. [ "Wanted to buy, secondhand vacuum i cleaner."— Advertisement m city paper. I Lobks as though some of the "heads" were becoming economical at last. "It would bo-great," remarked the-heads, "If half our empty prams Were crowded up with young 'Enzeds, Just like our city trams.** j: :: :: Advertisement m city daily: "Wanted butcher, experienced,- abSe cut up and serve customers. Apply . realises swhy -shopping by post •is so popular.

, "Communists inciting plunder/*— Cable from disorganised Germany. But isn't plunder the main objective of Communists? America's President advocates a Rational Policy. Is this a tip for the Stewards* Handicap? Our Labor leaders who favor Internationalism will be pleased to know that India la satisfied with the treatment accorded to Indians m New Zealand. But will labor's rank and file be pleased at tho inovitablo comp c t ition of cheap labor? You may mean well, but can you live well within your means? Money talks. A well-known purveyor of bananas whoso daughter was married recently prevailed upon tho organist to substitute a well-known modern tune? for tho old - fashioned wedding march. War may fill ud with awe, but tho peace that follows is awfuller. :s : : Primin£sters. referees and umpires have Bonxethlng m common, They aro always criticised and there are always people who could do better.

' ■ v :: :: , You don't require to bo wealthy to got high up m the world. Paradoxical though It may seem, the lowest (priced) car is tho highest. s: * :j :: At an amateur performance m a country town tho other night tho first t-ntortainer was nervous and got a bad | time from the bucolic audience. Th« early worm got tho bird. a :: a Commorcial 1 traveller who called on "Critic" tho other day embellished his conversation with so many quotations from Scripture that the business quo« totlona following were subjected to ! specially close scrutiny. * « v 1 1 It may be an old joke, but "Critlo" heard tho other day that the nan* "taxi" cars had the same origin as the ! word "taxidermist" — something to do ; with skinning. *» , it j: Ju«t *s "Critic" predicted when the transplanting of monkey glands to | human beings becamo the rage with elderly money-bugs: A scientist declares we are on the way back to Monkeydomt What wW da monk scientists have to jabber about us and our old friend Darwin m the inglorious future/ :: :: a The dresses on show m Chriatchurch for Cup week suggest that Wo-man "wants but little here below nor wants that little long." j i j i tt According to a recent cablegram a remarkable operation ha* boon informed nt Buffalo by Dr. Flusterer, of th© University of Vienna. Ho removed v patlont'H stomm-ii, prjrfnrmod a mioor operation on H. «»«* ropiaccti It. On* way for the bootleggers 10 get liquor past the Customs? Som* i»<>opl«t when th^y lose a samp, i>fiv-<'nv««!«|Mi or pet poodU*. ii<Svortls«. m "lh«* "Jt>Ht «nrf found" eo!umn;< thrt*;U---t-nintf In v«l» at " iilt! ftwter I* 1 known"* and th«t the "detainer will bi* i>ro»f*». euttKJ." Chrlstehurch '*StAr/' how«v<jr, rmikna tho fnitlAl attompt at ixcoverinsr lo»t property by an entirely n<?w method, as witneiw the following: PSYCHO THKRAPEUTIG TRKATMENT. Will Gentleman vrfct> picked up un~ ■tuff«d T«ddy Boar last Saturday plses« return to , N«# Bri«htwu