THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 915, 9 June 1923, Page 1

THE CRITIC

The tobacco trust — "Le 1 me have a ' plug on tick, will yer?" !•■- :: • :t | One thing you can rely on. from "Spearmint": A punch m liis write.. J At a wedding the bride's lather is merely among those pleasant. i.. The meat trust — •'•'You'll let me have, this fiver, when I see you at the'GJP.O. to-nxorrow?" . ; "Gambling m Greece," says a cable heading. Somebody got wet and came 'home dripping." :: ss s: Latest cable news: "Germans coming round." Presumably square heads m a (round), hole. s From the cinema advert^-HDur new programme is 9000 feet long. "Who the devil wants to wade through that? "The ICaiser has completed an elaborate introduction to the Bible." No doubt his first Intro, to the -Good Book. A cruel contemporary declares that most of our politicians have the mentality of babies. But ' aren't ,they.- cute : babies? >. :■■ ■:: :: - . '& ■ -■ Silk stockings win, of. course, be worn, but they -will not, as beretoTore, ! necessarily constitute the greater port j ; of the costume. ! ii t: It j This is the age of nerves. Only < yesterday we saw a bricklayer shy at i a pile of briokß some careless person hod left on the side of the road. v :* *l There is no truth whatever that Henry Ford has designed a smaller model which will not leak even if carried upside down m the waistcoat pocket » JJ <!f Things have, changed a lot , Old King Tut: warßtaHedbffTrbt^Heaven with a houseful of valuable effects. Nowadays a man is lucky if his heirs don't snap up everything to his cuff links. The less on the gown' the more on the bilL :: :: s: "Still Unsettled— Strike of the Miners." Don't you worry, Mr. Daily Headllner, they'll get settled down to it sooner or later. :: ss 'si I "One sees fewer young men about the street at night," observes the do-] lighted up-lifter. Correct-— they're m! the parks. ■ :: :: :s If a woman's husband doesn't understand her he may sort you out all' right : tt :i ii j The new attempt at climbing IKb. Everest is expected to extend over months. That's a trifle — some folk I have been attempting to climb the social ladder for the last twelve generations. s: :s. 5S ■ The Birthday honors list, with . the exception of the colonial section, will not be published till the first week m June. Pity that the colonial section had not been speeded up still further. , [ How about the first of April? ' :: :: ( :: • ■ I j The Ashburton "Guardian" reports j that gold has been discovered on the West Coast find tho stone, having I been assayed, "goes 19dwts to the I town." — That ought to be payable if all the towns were the size of Ashburton. II !l tl . V An English politician, talking homes away from home for emigrants, said that Scotchmen would feel more at home m Melbourne or Dunedln than m Birmingham or Coventry. And by the same token some of our Hin-doo-brethren seem a darned sight more at /borne In Auckland and Wellington than m India itself. tt it ti As the result of the Inquiry into the crushing of spectators at Wembley Park at the cup final, the Football Asoociatlon is refunding. £4100 m entrance money. — Cable Item. There were 200,000 at the match. Already applications for refunds have reached' the half -million mark. ti t: t: "Critic" somehow or other cannot read a letter and a paragraph before him at tho moment with any feeling that both are likely to bo correct. The paragraph is clipped from the Wellington "Post" of May 19 and sets out what the Mayor Jiopes to do In the way of gettuig together a fund for unemployment works. It ends m this wise: "Little difficulty is being experienced In finding employment for tho few applicants for work, but clerical work is Bald to bo somewhat difficult to obtain." Tho letter Is an ofllcial reply sent out from the Council offices to an applicant for a job, not a clerical job, on May 14: " and to state that it Is regretted that the Council has nothing to offer at the present time. Unfortunately there are many similar cases m the city that he (tho Mayor) is unable to asulst" " is tj On tho authority of the Timoru "Post," "Critic" awards Tlmaru the prize for possessing the Champion strong Man: - The north bound express on Saturday was a particularly heavy train compelled to. stop on the incline upproaching tho Bay. A shunter was 8 !t n »w ltß ttß slßtanc<2 and, with an additional push from behind, tho express soon got under way. And apparently thero are more of the some build on the staff, for it Is only •a" shunter who did the trick. Too common an occurrence to warrant pubLv? l^ 01 ?. ot tho P° rf ormor'B name! •Critic 1 ' suggests that the Herculean ahunter could do useful work with n. push from behind at any meeting of the Reform Cabinet «"»".*»« <W

Worse even than basic— the -^rage* oC sin. ■' ■•,'•■■ I. ■ ■ • • - - : • * * « ' • * MM. * ■ The «gg trust — -"Well, if you guar* antee they are fresh Til take a. dozen." «s :: s: Same of those inspired articles m j the dailies are ait least useful as paper,' weights. The Chinese pay their medioces fens keeping them wen. Bven at that seme of them die. .:: t: si A paradoxical peculiarity Is <hafc ths apple of discord, among- nto ny jn Ireland should be an orange. Many a last year's open roadster & to-day an enclosed car — entirely carrounded by bailiffs f * Tr " t « i; "^ g st s: ss "When a sweet young thine zaves-. about her ducky dentist she may bonearer than she thinks. Quack; cjaci:^ i ;: :: :: ! ; A school teacher down South wants! to see school holidays cot down by halt No roam, for war news m this I Issue. x: ;: rt ": Before marriage the. young 1 xnanv boasts bf "*>*« fiancee's strong tern— j perament After, lie calls it baa temper. The Para warWkro repartedrto Deft turning out a car evory «tjt and a tnilt j , seconds. Probably the pafnting accounts for the delay. v ts :: "Critic" carft quite make rp Juan mind whether the counts? is In dan-j ger more from the giddy younger set) or from the old fogies. < it tt »t No wonder the ancient Egyptians dlod out; not enough men by & long way. Plenty of mummies, but poor old dad, what of him? •'■,., -■„«■•• .. } :s ■:■-. .. it : ' Personal • pars are mostly compll--mentary, but this, from, one of our dailies, is not: Mr. is m town-r at the Club HoteL :: :: t: For . immediate disposal Pastry- ' cooks, marble bar, and confectionery- — Newspaper ad. Beware of the pie. You never know how these -cooks may be disposed of. :: si :: A daily paper article beaded "The Spirit of the dans" was a tremendous disappointment to vs — not a word about whisky m the column. - A very feasible suggestion has been made by bur office boy — that the Greco — Turkish war should be made an mnnxivji pffttfT, to be played rin • each country alternately. :: :: :: Thus a. "Wellington daily advt:" To liet, Single Bed, gent, also Youngi Ij&dy to share Bed-Sitting-room, — Willis-st No wonder the Bishop •complained. 1 Fashion notes state that Vs m the. j backs of women's evening frocks are to be cut right out. "Critic" can't! I speak on that- yet, but he does know! that any Va found m any married' man's pockets are cut right out pretty. sharply. , si ?: s: j A hen-pecked Parliamentarian toW "Critic" that he would like to move, an amendment to the clause "cha— ] dren should be aeon and not hoard/* j with the object of striking out thW 1 first word and substitntisg therefor! ! the word "wives." No use, old chap;j as the old eong bath it: "You can't] change 'em." Not even with the - aw, of the Divorce Court !J :» n THE FIRST FARM SCHOOL. C"A farm school, the first of it» kind m the South Island, waa opened tills; afternoon at the Ashburton Tffigtn Sobool. Over fifty farmers are at-< twining thi» week* course.— Newnj «•»! ,] "Good-bye, my dear," says FarmerPete, who's on hie way to school* "Juat see th' cows don't 'eat the 'ay or knock Nell off the stool: "An* what'a fer play lunch did yer say? a piece of rich plum cake* "Goodbye, my dear, there's teacher now, whom I will overtake." And Farmer Poto — a brawny lad of throe Bcore years or more, does tripping down the garden path while wifle at the door Shakes doleful head with worried brow and goes off to her darning, And wonders if the farm will pay whil« Pete's away a'iarning. School is m and all the "boys", their whiskers neat and frizzy, Are bonding over mental sums until their heads seem dizzy Poor Farmer 'Obbs is troubled sore, hia fingers black with ink"Please, teacher, can I leave th« room, I want t' get a drink?" The teacher is a aweot young thin* whom all the boya adoref * They bring her posies every raora of all their gardens' store; Wiien play time comes they an file out to marbles or leap-frog, But Farmer Smith won't play because Jones pushed him m the bog. Bill Mgglns into teacher runs, with story wild and weird. Of 'pw Bill 'Awklns. playing tag, a«h * P^inned" to pull his beard: And teacher, with a gentle word, soon acts their wrongs to right For m this Ideal farming school the* come to learn, not fight J punished for example: Across hia denims he must take of ■ teachefa stick a sample ' °L?hv 8C J 001 neWB wSX and A«* d K y by , dft y como more, —"A- 8HBOX"