THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 882, 21 October 1922, Page 1

THE CRITIC

One long loaf is not the staff of life. You never argue with a '"cop, you argue at him. Pub — a place -with Bar written on some of the downstair -windows. The last flutter of the poor sparrow* run over by a Ford: "Cheep, cheep." "E. and O.E."— The- Editor ana Other Editors. The guests at the Point " Halswell Women's Reformatory run their own laundry. Wrins- out, wild' belles. . . Every year the number of deaths due to auto smash.es 'climbs enormously. Practice makes perfect The Beak, to ,the lad who lifted Smith's best timepiece: Smith t gets back his clock, you get the eight days. Mr Pussyfoot Johnson, writes one of our dailies, is getting stout. The lucky devil. Nips or quarts? From a review of a Life of Mr Pus-, syfoot; Johnson: "Not a dry page in' this book."' Rather unexpected, verily. It's not a fact that the Union Company is 'bringing out a six-screw motor boat. That's a Canarder you're thinking of ' „ An old chap up at 'Auckland, dug up a sovereign m his front garden the other day, but on hearing how the C.O.Li. , stood to-day, the quid asked to be put back again. : : :: :: "Critic" heard of the immense amount of bacon being smoked out at Dimock'a. " Gave it a go, but is -back to his usual mixture long 1 ago. • .{' „ :: '■■ :: .;■-'' ■ • ti Some of Massey's optimism must have reached right back to Ireland. "Critic" hears from ■ a friend over there that a landlord has asked for his rent. ■''•■. »! !Z !! ' One of the big points about the new , movie house to be built m Wellington is that it may be cleared m under five minutes. Evidently the manage-, ment has not much >faijh m the Quality of the films coming to hand. > Two thousand barrels of bid Scotch went up m a distillery fire m Scotland the other week. Above the roaring- of the blaze could be heard the wail of bagpipes playing a lament. • A well-built man should weigh 28 .. pounds for each foot of his height. The chap who stood on "Critic's" toe m the tram this morning must have reached up to something like 25 feet or more, even though he did not look it. ' _ A thirty-pound salmon trout found j floating m the Waitaki is the biggest fish the local amateurs have so far not caught this season; i "It will take us three years to educate 1 the people to take electricity," said a member of ihe Tararua Power Board. It won't be three years before they learn to take wood-alcohol and similar. poison dope if Prohibition corners the water- suppty. From the report of a" concert at Hunterville: Other artistes assisting on this oc^' casion were Miss C 7, who stepped\ at short notice Into a breech occasioned by the indisposition of Miss H— — . The management might at least have provided a pair. Henry Ford, the manufacturer of the* famous "Tin Liazie," threatens to discharge any of his workmen breath shows the slightest sign of "booze" — >but it's an ill wind which blows nobody good, "Truth" has it tthat the Peppermint Lollie manufactors are taking on thousands more hands to meet with the situation, much ; to the disgust of the official "breath testers." ■ ' "Some Kid" writes: "L. T. Cobcroffs cridket notes now- running/ through "Truth" bring a good story to mind.Most New Zealanders who (were m Samoa with the N.Z.E.F. m 1914 will remember the Samoan's penchant for the sunlit-pitch. I can remember one sensational game, of 100 a side, that lasted three months. One village played an-, other, and incidentall5 r ate the home team out of its last yam. The marathon match might have gone well over the three months' .limit, but even ; the Samoans can't, keep at the stumps on empty stomachs. Taranaki "News'' must have had a list to port or a darned sight more confidence m bull nature than is held by the average person who is careful .of stern necessity, when it announces: At the Stratford Jersey Cattle 1 Breeders' sale next Thursday, E. J. Kirkwood will sell two-year-old bulls j of the famous noble of Oaklands — j Gamboge Knight bloo-d. With one'^of 1 these bulls behind him no man need j walk off his fai*m. t Guess he'd be wiser to canter. i *. si :: v Two nfessages from Melbourne: — MELBOURNE, 11th October. In the House of Representatives, a Bill reducing members' salaries by £200 a year was read the first time. .'MELBOURNE, 12th October. In the House of . Representatives, ! the second reading- of the Reduction of Salaries Bill was defeated by 36 ■.votes to 25. Now, what is §road enough for- the MiH,R. ovet^there is quite good enough tor "Critic," and he looks forward -to the day when he will have a vote, on I whether his wages should be bumped up or down, but his vote will be ab- [ solutely unanimous.

. "Bills of Lading."— Bill Massey's. j New jokes are much, like old ones, perhaps a little older. . *j :: :i Mind your own business — unless you are a politician, of course. "C.l.F."— Claptrap' Ineptitude, Fird* Symbol of Reform Government. How's this for commercial candor? Indigestion cured after six months of intense agony. Rabbits are ;worth less when skinned, by the shop-keeper; so are the customers. ' Nursery governess wanted. Three children, 2, 6 and 7 ears. Plenty of stuff to box. Bar — the place where someone talks for you- or shouts for you. It's expensive m either case. , "F.O.B."— Full of Blunders. Synonymous w;ith . "B.M.A." — Bill Massey's 1 Administration. 1 ; A report has gained some ■currency . that an>opposition to the League of Nations has been started, at the Buckle Street Barracks, "Wellington. The new League will take notice of any outbreak of peace. Rome was not built m a day.; neither were the Parliament Buildings, nor the State Fire Offices, nor any others let but on contract by the New Zealand Government. •Millions of dollars spent on liauor m the United States m three months, says one of the wet backers. As alcohol can only be had over there for medicinal purposes the Yanks must have had a nasty relapse. ■ "Radio combine. Centred m New York." We feared it would come. ' Yanks would do anything. But;fancy them trying to corner the air! "Critic" endorses the protest of some ' overworked Otago minister against Sunday funerals. He goes further and carries unanimously an emphatic resolution of protest against the holding of funerals at all, on any dayi. ; A serious suggestion has been made ■ that a line should : be dropped to one ; or other of those Yankee business coin leges, pointing out that the New Zea- ; land \ railway management could do with • a little elementary instruction. When does the mail go? "The X.P.Q. ' Quick Lite Aero Gas lamp, no more burnt • fingers." In his young and balmy student days "Critic" frequently, habitually, m fact, [ swatted up the differential calculus by i th'e light of his left little finger. He ' has had the juice laid m recently. None of that two-handed cheese for ( ours. The sort you eat with one Joand < while you hold your nose with the other. . ( * "Whisky on Refugee ship seized," said a New York cable. Crew and passengers must have been Prohibl- \ tionists, or the medicine wouldn't ' have been refuged. "New lines for P. and O."— News- ; , paper heading. These boats are so j ' big that there is plenty of room to ' hang out the washing. : : ' '•'• v: : . j Someone came into the office < * the j other day wanting to lay odds that j Harry Holland would get right through the 1922 campaign without telling a bunch of candidate pickers : that a country got just the Govern- j. ment -it deserved. "Critic" doesn't ; believe he could possibly do It; lie ; never has so far. Why, that's one i of his mainstays, the chief corner ; prop -on which he leans while." tfce "' house is supposed to bust forth Into ! hearty laughter. It's not much of a remark, anyhow, ana -who does he refer to m any case? , :: s: J! Another tale going the rotmdd Just now is that a Chriatchurch bricklayer had the bad luck to miss his count of , bricks laid; with the result that at 4 p.m. he had to make a recount, to see (Whether he had finished >hts day's toil or not. That took him till ten to five, and then he found that he was three bricks short, 'but anyhow the day was done and he claimed full rates on the time basis, if not on bricks. IN THE 'LIMELIGHT. "Even a bishop never attracts atten- . tion unless he's drunk." — Archbishop Julius In a recent sermon. Dressed up m his sombre suit, Got out m his gaiters, The bishop, no one rwill dispute, ' Is pretty small pertaters. On days when Synod blokes orate. His job we don't 'begrudge, •For he must sit m state, Caress, cajole and castigate, As sober as a judge. Whene'er he strolls from his de,. mesne, Beneath the summer sky, His Lordship is but seldom seen — > He does not catch the eye. Honored by the Ladies' Guild, With biscuits, buns and tea, Where cups are all so smartly swilled, And where the hungry are soon filled, A dreadful dud is he. But when he breasts up to the ba«To spend the last collection, His Lordship is a shining star That wins our warm affection. Lo, when he's drained a dozen bowls And hiccoughs satisfaction, From puto to palace door he rolls. To scoffers and to saintly souls. The centre of attraction. "FRANK MS**