THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 878, 23 September 1922, Page 1

THE CRITIC

I The Greeks have got out of Smyrna | —all that they can get out of it. .] America's busy B's— beggars, burglars, bolshies and bootleggers. The radio as a means of, personal communication will never make a hit m Ireland. It lacks the element Of personal contact. , ■/ Lord Asquith wants to see the telephone installed m every man's cottage. What ' is the . Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals doing? •••-.' is :•- :« According to Macaulay,-.-"Parlia-mentary Government is Government speaking." Ain't we got some* Government? "Governments exist to protect the rights of minorities," writes Wendell Phillips. Bill's Government exists to subvert the rights of a majority.. "North Otago .Times" advertises: PHOENIX BOWLING CLUB. Applications are., invited for the position of Greengrocer. Probably wanted;., to make the green grow, Sir. \ ... .'■' .Westport "News" reports: In the Magistrate's, Court yester- ■ day before Mr . T. E.; Maunsell, ' S.M., 7 the following business was transacted:— For riding y a byke after hours al.local resident was fined 10s and costs.-, Is this protection -.'for the public from the quality, of the West Coast liquor? "Critic" knows heaps of people who.cpuldn't ride a cycle "after hours." & n !•. i: A spot from the Christohuroh "Sun": „. Having completed her Auckland cargo the Wingatui: sailed on, \ Saturday night for Timaru. The Dail Eirean met, to-day. What dark and sinister meaning attaches to the sailing of the Wingatui and the meeting of- the Dail Eireanri? We know that, Timaru is a hotbed of Irishism, but what has the innocent Wingatui aboard, to call for this hurried' gathering of the Dail Eireann?v Our heart misgives us. Politicians think that by. stopping up the chimney they can stop the smoke. But what about when they take the bag off? 'Someone wants to know how to blacken brown boots. Slice a household spud m two, rub over the boots, and- apply the blacking. It will then be impossible to ; distinguish which boot is brown and which is black. An overseas message rakes up that old tale of the hunter who drove a lion, off by -staring.it full m the face. It won't work on an N.Z. landlady, not by a long way. Eketahuna "Express", m a gentle survey of a' local fancy dress ball reports: A really excellent Jenkin, Miss C. Edwards and Mr. supper was provided and was done full justice to. Now, who says the modern menu is exhausted? Even if it has to descend to 'a suggestion of cannibalism, the town with a* name like a half-hearted hiccough is not to be outdone. Advance,. Eketahuna ! '/Critic" is always looking out. for bargains, but he proposes to ■ consider the following one, culled- from, the. "Post," overnight before taking any strenuous action: Wanted to : ;sell, flrst-class COW. Conveniences. 7 Dosß this mean that the cow requires the use of tho sofa to sleep on, and wants first turn at the bath m. the morning? Will the cow pay rent m advance, or does it mean that the rent is to be taken out by the conveniences supplied by the cow? Does the cow want the conveniences, or has she got them; and what are the conveniences, anyway? Said the departing fat man who had eaten to excess: "You know, madam, the highest compliment one can pay his I . hostess is to eat heartily. You will, concede I have been polite, although I have to leave early." And "Critic" nearly proclaimed a unanimous "Hear! Hear!" as the hostess sweetly replied: "True, Mr. . In fact, you may claim to have carried politeness to the point of flattery.". America carried Prohibition. They say shrewd people can put it across them m the States. A typical instance came under "Critic's" notice. A stranger entered a Yank, bank and asked for a loan of five dollars. He was told they didn't lend such small amottnts. He . insisted, said he had! good- security, produced, and handed over ten thousand dollars worth of Government bonds, got the loan and receipt for the bonds, paid 35 cents interest and then said: "Now, this is something like. Over at this other bank they wanted me to pay ten dollars just for a safety deposit box to keep these things m." No; this is not one of friend Pussyfoot's anecdotes. Suggestive advertisement from the' "Post": .. .., Wanted — A broody hen. • Must be reasonable. ' .' This -is just the sort, of broody hen "Critic" has been ."looking fof—one that can be guaranteed to flaunt the flirtatious approaches of the common or garden incubator and guarantee that all the eggs entrusted to her charge will m : due course become chickens. In view of tlie possible procurement of birds of this class, we can afford to view with equanimity even the failure of Mick Savage [ to pass his Mothers' Endowment Bill.

The Borstal Institution is now full. 'Applicants' names will, however, be placed on the waiting list. "Critic" is told that m some Yankee towns the bootleggers are so thick 'that they have to wear badges to /avoid selling poison juice to on©, another. One of our -cricketers who, m addition to playing- a little cricket writes for the Press, is reported to have had. the misfortune at practice to split an infinitive. ■ - Friend of "Critic" suggested -that,' Pussyfoot travels about such a lot because he gets a lot -of .pleasure onreaching port. •"' / A world's record for long-distance, cock- crowing is claimed for an Illinois rooster, whose crow can be' heard six miles aWay. Pooh, that's no--, thing! Out here m this tiny corner', of the earth we have heard the Ame- \ rican eagle crowing six thousand \ miles awayRain was very badly needed when it came along m unwanted southerly blasts last week. As an Italian friend of "Critic" remarked: "An hour o£\ rain now will do more good m five; minutes 1 than a month of it would do • at any other time. •The tram conductor who was asked by a passenger to be procrastinated at the next stop is now studying a , dictionary m his very spare moments- . "Critic" hasn't -- much sympathy i with the newly-rich man who spent nearly half his fortune m hunting up his pedigree and then had to start working again after doing m the rest of his wealth m paying "hush money" to the hunter. : Friend of "Critic" studies economics—and bills. When his wife dropped a valuable ring down the bathroom sink the other day and was about to 'phone a plumber, Hubby spoke up: "For heaven's sake, no dear! I'll buy- you another ring." "One thing that is the curse of civilisation is the want of truth," said the CJ. m summing- up m a case , heard at the Supreme Court at Masterton. "Critic" always understood from the C.J. that beer and bets were the champion pests of the people. Anyway, "Truth" does its >est to mitigate the curse his Honor complained of on this occasion. "South CanterbuiT Record" is anxious about the next general election and is early with some useful advice, thus: See That Your Name's On Ro — Perhaps we may be forgiven if we-, give a reminder to people entitled! to have their names on the general' electoral roll that to see to it that it is placed there. Evidently the- editor is on the roll himself. • ; Breathless -cable of Captain': Wild's wM experiences by flood and' field, ■ cullecTi from the Oamaru "Times": ( '^ Captain Frank Wild was m Nyas--i saland, when he received a cabled.-' request to join his old leader inJ another great Polar enterprise. He' accepted immediately, and to reaclii the coast swam rivers and walked' through forests infested wltUf snakes. On one march of BO miles through swamps, Wild walked 80. miles through swamps. Wild walked through swamps. Wild walked m water continually. Wild sort of a wretch he must be« 8! M !! "SPOTS." [The French Academy of Medicini has discovered a strange connection! between sunspots and chronic ill-; nesses. They concur that the passage* of sunspots is one cause of turns for "the worse, m certain pathological cases.] I cannot see what spots are on thai sun (I haven't seen him out at all justi , lately), But Doctor says my little job is done,- - And this is due to sunspots, very; greatly. Rough luck — I should have liked, some sunshine — lots : (Like last year's dose) to gild myj final pages, j It's odd to think that I should die o^ snpts On something that I haven't seetf for ages. T cannot see what "spots" are m thiy pub, The measured -nip is far too micros scopic — The glass all bottom — like a laundry*tub— The whole blamed fraud is— shall we catl it tropic; My mozzl^s out, I should have liked' a real "spot," Like .'those old "snifters" of the good old times. I haie to think I've got to take my last shot "From out a bottle labelled "The Best / Limes." Outside it blows and rains, while I absorb The pills provided by a fool*physician; Why don't he try to dose that distant orb . Since that's responsible for my cbndition? '.-.? Ah, well, let friends remember I died game, What time they shake their heads and say "I knew hi-* • He could not see the sun, but all the same r: He knew that it was there becailS3 'spots' slew him."