THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 877, 16 September 1922, Page 1

THE CRITIC

Freak daipcei' seem to be on their last legs. . "■ . . .. It is anticipated -that the rate of- ex- | change on Christmas presents this year will remain about the same as usual. •Listening -to some of our political quid inuncs" "speaking' is like., aiming- at a target. You , have to make allowance for the wind. • ■ . . ; :: : : " 5 : V The automobile is continuing to replace'the horso everywhere... A Khandallah man found a piece- of rubber tyre m his stew, the other day. % The point of the average political speech is located at the intersection of the highest possible lohgtitude with the lowest possible platitude. ; . "Critic" objects to Miss Una Carter demonstrating to housewives how to make "tongue tart." Most of us can get that without sending the missus out to learn how. . : : : : : : "Star" throws rude obloquy 1 at' the North Canterbury Poultry Show when it publishes the name of . the prizewinner for Best Fowl m the Fishshow. I Must have been a kingfisher. XI it I « , Canterbury journal reporting on f> delinquency case states: : >.■- ■ James Wynn Irwin, honorary secretary of the Hagley Golf Club,, said the golf house was broken into a number of times, and the pockets of members' clothes, rifles, golf ba?ls and golf ' clubs stolen. ' Playing golf with a rifle ought to be responsible for some mighty drives. si ■■ :: ■ '. «s A chap down Timaru way has for sale a Draught filly, rising 4 years, brother to Champ, good sort. Probably this heshe 'gee-gee 'is a: good sort. Combines the masculine intellect with the feminine temperamentBut would it be eligible to start m the Oaks? Cheerful pasteslinger advertises: ' PAPERHANGING — I am.one of the best Paperhangers m New Zealand: get . my prices. "Get my prices" is a bonny challenge. As a rule the average paperhanger generally mariages to get /'Critic's," who certainly /would like to get a bit of his own back. ' ti s: *» ■ 1 There is still a chance for mutton that thinks itself lamb. "Post" advertises : .-, '■■■'■:'.-■■ Wanted, nice, reliable Girl/ adults only. Judging by' the Lambton Quay parade this vacancy; should be easily filled. The number of 'old girls" who flap along that stately thoroughfare at fashion's hours is Simply Legion— and they dress the part, too- - Despite its immense heat, iwe have the assurance of Dr. Armor that there are "spots on the sun." 'We hardly expected to find her drawing attention to this fact. Still it was a kindly thought on her part to let us know where, we. shall be able to get a "spot" m the event of her succeeding m banishing: them from N.Z. "Pussyfoot" -.has given it out that he did not come over here to poke his nose m to other people's affairs. Now, what does a Yank mean by poking his nose m? ■. : ....1.*'... :: :» -An "Anxious. Mother" writes, to "Truth's" enqviiry 'column asking what is the best thing to do m the case of her infant son who has unwittingly a penny. The harassed department has handed the enquiry on to "Critic." The answer is obvious. If the unfortunate child has still ! got the penny concealed about his person take him to Bill Massey. It's pounds to gooseberries that Bill will take it from him with. the utmost expediency. If '"Pussyfoot" Johnson is successful m his campaign against the "booze," we arise; to ask what is to become of a lot of deserving Prohibition agitators who make a. comfortable living out of the "curse"? How are they to maintain their motor-ears and pay for their cigars? . .One of those intelligent inventors who are always interfering with domestic life has patented a mask to.be used by housewives . whilst they ai'e sweeping 1 up the dust. What about some genius devising an anti-septic sieve through which hubby could' safely address his missus whilst the operation is m progress. , "Why stammer?" enquires an enthusiastic advertisement. Evidently the' advertiser has never been asked for his income tax point blank, on pay day. "An- effective leather dressing can easily be prepared at home," says the woman's column of one of our dailies. "Critic" knew this years ago. He has often had it personally applied m his callow days. > ■ ■ : • Reporting a speech at a Highland gathering, a Scots contemporary remarks: ,--... .;■;■- ,-. - ._, . ■ The Highlands had changed- very . rapidly, and the. outward characteris- ; tics of the Highlander had changed ' with them. Those twin enemies of romance, the mo^or-car and the bowler hat. were gradually replacing the fine, old kilt and the homespun. "Critic" hopes that the motor-car referred to was a closed one, or at least that the bowler, hat was of sufficient to replace the sporran.

' The -Ancient' Order ''bf -the Caledonia* Society: Whisky and soda. "';"A11 we have done is right," saya Big Bill. Presumably he meant "write," ■if • one may judge from tha Financial' Statement. ,. ' - ■ One of our high police officials informed a Magistrate the other' day - that "loafing is one of the most prolific qauses of crime." Exactly, but whose loafing? . A correspondent, writing m a contemporary advocates gramophone contests m the larger towns. Why not , change the seat of Parliament occasionally? ■ •'• - - is :: :: "Pork," according to a trade paper, "is finding its way everywhere now." It has, however, not yet reached tho succulent pork pie m any appreciable quantity. :s !! !! An up-country newspaper announce;, the candidate for a seat at the next election as being "still only twentythree." ' How long has this deplorable state of things been going- on? . From a Wellington shop window:: Brassieres and corsets modestly pric--ed. How else should a lady think o£ them? When bored of trade form a com- • bine. :: • :: " The miller's niotto: Trust m trust. j: ' :: :* "Critic" found this on the cable page of one of the most highly respected dailies m the country: '" The European edition of the New York Herald announces that a new regulation has been made at Long Beach ' (New Jersey), compelling bathers of opposite sexes to keep at least six inches apart. Beach patrol men armed with tape measures take every man or woman seen to be too close to another, no matter what the explanation may be, to the police chief and charge tho bather with violating the beach rules. "Beloved eye, beloved star; thou art so near and yet so far." According to the babies some Mississippi folk have raised a howl against tobacco and propose to put it up to the States to cut cigar 3 and pipes right out. They rave a little at movie kings for showing actors and even actorines appearing to enjoy cigars, cigarettes and pipes. What do these Yanks do with their spare time? They don't drink and now. they want' to cut smokes out. "Four Kisses" sets down an emptytankard and pours forth a perfumed protest against the quality of the swill that comes .to us marked with the si^n of four kisses. "We have potated the King m amber and wiped from our lips the foam that gladdened the Norse berserkers. We have stood to the bar and (without moaning), have quaffed a goblet of "Scotch missed." But imagine our anger to find on the inside of a burst beer barrel a plug of tobacco securely nailed. Imagine our disgust to see the receipts for bluestone and be told that it was used to give a "bite" to port wine. :: :: " "Critic" has been reading thai Women's Column: in the dailies again and he can't see why Miss X, who has been visiting her brother, Dr. X, at Lower Hutt, should have publicity all her own way. Ho insists that the public fahould know that he is some-, thing of a visitor and tourist him-j •Self He visited a brother at the? Upper Hutt quite recently, visited acousin at Lyall Bay the following day, 'phoned up an uncle at Karaka Bay on Wednesday, , and intends to- look up his grandfather at Te Aro flatas soon* as the paper is out- He doc-=» not' want to blow about it, but he rrttusea to allow Miss X to put it all ove'i himwith a single trip to Lower Hut*. :» " *« KEEP AWAY FROM THE "ANT. A local medico who bids fair ttt achieve instant and wide popularity has announced that "getting out of bed should be a leisurely and not a hurried process. The act of springing from bed is badj 'because it accelerates the action of the heart suddenly after the period of. repose." . Why arise with senseless haste ? Bed has got a pleasant taste; Hurry would be most misplaced. If they call you, never mind;' ."■ They will come again, you'll findj! Do not rush to draw the blind. Why consult your window pane? Ten to one it's wet again; If it's not, it's going to rain. Do not look for joyous thrills From, the stuff the postman spills}' Let them lie — They're merely 'bill* Breakfast? Cut it out I say, Lunch will do as well to-day; Overeating doesn't pay. And jn fact I now recall Days that tempted me to drawll "Why on earth g-et up at all?" . 'Arid the answer I decreed, Was that, anyway, the deed [Wasn't one that called for speed, Now, I'm rather pleased to sss^ I was right as right could best Mediooes agree with raa. -.