THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 770, 7 August 1920, Page 1

THE CRITIC

A measure of capacity. The skulL Onion is strength. One Big Onion. The happy medium — gentleman'between two ladies. Solitude: The place where advertising is unknown. Some people wiho claim to be tolerant are merely indifferent. ! Orthodoxy is very tolerant. It for- j gives everything but the Truth. ! :: :: :: The poor have tha Ten Commandments, tha rich have the Upper T«n. Ex-service men m the Cold Country now speak of the League of Damnation, Most of the sin of the world is the result of unintelligent idleness or mis-, directed energies.' The man who pardons another may be a fool, but the man who doesn't is often a bigger rogue. Motto for a golfer who has foozled his approach: I will not stir, nor wince, nor speak' a word. Nor look upon the iron angrily. (King: John, IV, L) . Only nobody, who knows anything about golfers, would believe him. In reviewing "Greorge Tyrrell's Letters," the "London Nation" quotes hini as saying: dur moralists are, unfortunately, all celibrates — or at least unmarried — whence the airy and "a priori" character of their rulings. What is a "calibrate," and what was the nasty fellow insinuating? An advertisement from the " 'Split' - Post": WH2 gentleman who, toy mistake, got a Suit, kindly return same, .... and receive his own Waistcoat? It must have been a wild evening. What were the police doing that they did not nab the ibloke m the waistcoat for indecency? A breathless passage from a "Daily Mirror" serial : Her hands dropped to her side. She toyed with the little locket on the gold chain at her throat. "I am ! capable of anything," she said. Quite obviously. The girl who drops her hands to her side and continues to toy with a trinket at (her throat, is capable of {anything m the contortion line. Under the heading of "Cow Collars" the "Opotiki Herald" has the following: The much talked about question of cow collars comes up for decision by the Borough Council to-night. We are informed it's odds on favorite for the cows. But then Cr. Pipe might have something to say. ' | No doubt Cow-incillor Pipe did have something to say — to the scrib-a who wrote this paragraph. The "Inangahua Times", ia frankly mystified over a little matter. In the hope that some reader of this column can solve the problem "Critic" reprints the point raised just as it appears m the "Times": Wthy a horse rises from the ground on its four legs and a cow on its hind legs has never yet been explained. . . To "Critic's" mind the explanation appears to be m the fact that m addition to its "four" legs the horse has two hind legs and therefore has an advantage over the cow which has only four legs. The Grey River scribes 'have a nimble wit, although their humor may express itself somewhat unconsciously. In a report of the Racing Conference, a wet West Coast scribe says.: . • . The Dates Committee recommended that licenses be withdrawn from clubs having courses incompletely railed on the inside track. If the railing is not completed by next year, no additional or new totalisator licenses could be granted, as none are available nor any days of racing. And if the railings are "completed by next year," what then? As "no additional or new totalisator licenses could be granted, as none are available nor any days of racing," how is ttie Conference going to mark its approval of the Club's action? The Rev. Edward G. Maxted Is tbe vicar of Aramoho, and no doubt is proud of his 'appointment to such a prosperous parish. But it seems there is a fly m the ointment, sotospeak, for he declares that some people are so silly as to take him for his predecessor. This last, the newly-appoint-ed skypirate pointedly objects to. Evidently he looks upon the people's •blunder m taking him for the former j pulpit thumper as not only the reverse ' of a compliment, but a grave libel on . his character. In a protest and appo.-.r m the' columns of the .Wariganiu • "Chronicle," the new vicar suy&; So now, if people will realise that I am not my predecessor, but a different person altogether, 'l shall be glad. Ia this disclaimer the outcome of , super-modesty on the part of Mr. Maxted. who 'blushes to receive the arecUt . for virtues which his predecessor alone possessed: the egotism and self-asser-tion of the young: and the new: w.-.s the former vicar so fond of water thrt he went bodily into a well, or wot.inel'sj at the back of it all?

Seen m an up country pork-butcher's •window: . Try Our Sausages: None Lite 'Em. Very -candid, but hardly encouraging. • ' A recent theatrical revue -was billed as follows : , .• I DO LIKE TOUR EYES. Record Cast. ' .. t '"■ Rather personal. ' "' From a cinema poster: Amazingly Realistic Drama, featuring Big Game Hunting. 150© feet — Between Man and Beast. Not very realistic after aIL .The Otaki "Mail" says: Weddings. are# m. the air and at least three couples, all well-known locally, are to be married next month. "In the air," ' are they? M'yea,' and judging by the records toeing put up at the divorce cdurts, quite a lot of them go "kite high!" :: „ : : i : The epidemic of thieving that allegedly has broken out all over tha world since the ending of the war . seems now to have demoralised tha very cattle. The "Hawke's "Bay Tribune" tells us that: . > A mob of young bullocks carried away a verandah post of a shop m Havelock North, and damaged a bike standing bj< The only thing to do with the demoralised creatures is to sentence them to capital punishment. A pen-pusher on the Canterbury^ Tory rag is sorely perturbed over the declining birthrate, and lays it all down to tha H.C.L. He declares: If living costs keep on rising the birthrate will assuredly decline. If politicians are concerned m the matter the moral is obvious. —It is, either kill profiteering or What are we expected to understand by that "or "? "Critic", would be - the last to suggest that the present breed of politicians should be called oh to increase the birthrate. He Avarica them to die out. The oracle has spoken and the fiat has gone forth. "Ricketty" Russell, since he met his political deserts at the ballot-box— per medium of Dan Sullivan, has gone m for a study of economics. He does not seem to have progressed very far, but nevertheless with the enthusiasm of all young students, the author of "The New Heaven," rushes into print to proclaim his acquired knowledge to all and sundry. In the Christchurcli " 'Specked'-tater," he tells his twentyseven readers that: A great economist has said that wages and prices will not stop vrising until the value of money stops falling. If "Ricketty" will show how, whilo prices keep rising he can keep the value of money from falling, "Critic" will grant him his heart's desire — a walk over at next election and a portfolio to follow. Now let the author of "A New Heaven" put his best foot forward. ... Wow ! But some .of these backblocks . sheets can ladle it out good and strong. The South-Western "Adver-: User," referring to a local scandal* monger, says: The author is a cat-faced, hard* visaged old dial of alleged shemale humanity. As the victims of her foul, filthy fabrications are only, awaiting opportunity to get tha criminal law In motion, we sug- • gest the immediate cleansing at her filthy tongue. If that is the "Advertiser's" way of speaking softly, "Critic" wonders what it is like when it is angry. But that isn't a patch on the Geraldine "Express," which lets itself go after thin fashion: When a few of the mangy, flea-: ■disseminating mongrels that dodge and infest between the seats axm kicked out, another evil will hay» been removed, and the pom fort ot the unoffending citizen will th«n just be- normal. But after all the canine flea-trap* may have their uses. They may pro-. vide means for keeping the audier.c«# from going to sleep. THE! LONELY BARMAN. The following advertisement ia froatf last Saturday's '"SpUf-Post": Lonely Barman would like to Cor-; respond with young lady, from 25 to 80 years (no objection to wMow with one child), with view to matrimony. Boy, hand up the tum-a-tum-tuxa, A He's only a lonely barman. Tired of the beery game, Who longs for a home—* «vreet ttttM home, With the girl wfco will bear his name. He's tired of the towel and the trouble Of pumping up pints for the plug; Ho sighs and he cries, for the moonlit skies, v - And the'wife to "bo, he can hug. A maiden of twenty or thirty, t A. wmow with one child — 11 true, "Re §-7ie> homely and plain, or dainty "•ml vain, Or cross-eyed or bow-legged, shell do. '"Ops is no gootj/rm *°r Imen" x-re Hectares with no little force. "I 'ates all rhts liquor, the cadge and the shOUcst*;" "Prom them I must *aye a divorce.* 1 Go as he pulls tho .beer fountain, Him mind into dreamland has flown, £..,[ -< ( . i n .--~. !,- •u I v-x nce t he joys that cjiuji iT-r- --■ ■ ! - ! ; ■■■■■■ out his own.