The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 725, 10 May 1919, Page 1

The Critic

| Who can undauntod brave th« Critic 1 * rag©, I Of note unmoved hia mention m ih» Critio's page, I Parade his error m the pub Ho «y«, l|\. And Mother Grundy'» rage defy? .. v I

Got down very low : German TJboats. * '" • ■ *,•'■, An engagement ring is matrimony a promissory note. • , A matchless officer: Generally one that doesn't smoke, * » • The moder-n woman does not always hold her. Qwn — sometimes he gets a dlvqrpe. * * * "When churches war Satan is at peace," says a sage wowser. What a peaceful time there must be m Hell. Honesty may be the best of policy m the long run, but then, it so often proves such anelqfa long run, that few care to take it on. .' ' « .• . * ..»•.. Schoolboys may not be able to tell who was the first Kaiser, but ask them who was the last, and then see how quick you can count those who do .not know. '•.■."• • Thus the "'lguana 1 Times": Miss Louise Mack, who will visit this town shortly, m a war corres-. pondent. Surely a distinct reversal of form. . ' . • • • The great Sirdar of the Sydney sporting world says; Gloaming's carburetter is still m good working order from all acoounts. He is running half-an-hour m twenty minutes on the "New Zealand tracks. One move illustration pf how one has to go from homo to get the news that is "news." ••••■.■• * According to Bret Harte, Ah Sin was a man with 'a "peculiar" distinction. Apparently the " Dough-minion" now wishes to place Slnha m a similar position^ Writing of the elevation of the Indian, Sir S. P. Smha, to the Hupper 'Quse m the Cold Country,, and his appointment as "Under-Sepre- ■ tary for India, the " 'Minion" scrtib soribe says: He is the first man to hold that pqsf, and the first to be made a peer. At : 6 we to believe tjiat his predecais? gors m the .UnderrSepret'aryship and hip fellow-members pf the Beerase have been, and are, all old women?

' Hypocrisy's favorite role is that- of "a good fellow." Did you ever notice how easily a shapely ankle can g-et up stares? ■ v * .■»..•- • Never let a man see that you doubt .his word. Nothing mates a liar madder. > :. _• . ' • ,« It is said that Germany can still show her superiority m the air. Muet be ''hot a}r!" .; • • ♦ • .Law may make a rich .man, but never a great. Liberty breeds giaiUSi geniuses, and heroee. ■• ' .'.-♦' • - •. ■■'.; President Wilson says, "We will niake men free." Well, he has a iblg job waiting him m the land of the Stars and Swipes. , ' ■.•"■.'• ■■'.*.;■■# * • : . Agricultural laborers m Bonnie Scotland are demanding a minimum wage of £2' 5s per week. Goyidick, that should inak' some o' the' "bonnet lairds'* b 1 the land o' the leal sit up an' mm' wha made them. ; An English, seed catalogue quotes gorse seed at 2s a pound and blackberry plants at 10s a dozen. Wow! And the "Noo Zee" cocky, under compulsion, continues to destroy a fortune daily. » • '• The physical contortions of rage are apt to be enfbarrassing. They must have been, specially so to the lady m a story m "Pearson's Magazine," of whom it is recorded: Mrs. J.G.s bosom heaved, her eyelids snapped open and shut, and she glared her defiance at her husband. , J.G. sighed again. s ■ These transparent eyelids are a form of. camouflage that is highly disconcerting. ••":• ■ 1 . . ■ '■ " -'•.■ '•-.'"•■ ' • :" Speaking at the Church Congress, the Bishop, of Bristol expressed the opinion that motoring 1 had done a lot to increase, the people's attendance on the ordinances' qf the church. The good bishop apparently peaches his conclusions 1 by. the deductive method of reasoning. As motoring has made, life, much mqr.e uncertain and in^ creased, the danger pf sudden death to the pedestrian, it wpuld seem that folks .have sought "a correspondence fivori with heaven." as Burns puts it.

Roosters do a lot of vcrowing. but it's the .hen that. meets the. demand for eggs. / ■■". ■; •-'" X '■■■* ■"': ■ ■■':-■ Scepticism generally swallows the mince, pie first .ana then the pepsin tablets. '■.--■•■ . Speaking of the labor , hitch at the Otira tunnel, 'the " 'Angry-roarer' Standard" says: „..-, V; |. " ■ Matters may become than better about this./ ' / ; . They may; but still they'll. be better than worse. : ■ .*- • ' ■■■ ■■:■ m . ■■ ' ■-'• '■■ The "New Zealand Times" reports; In the final of the Easier bowling tournament 'at Ch'ristchurdh, Gagliardi (Edgeware Club) beat Aiiitmann (St. Clair, Dunedin), 28 to 18.. Ye Good Olde English Game of VBowlsl . • • ' ' •-A , ' "Noo Zealanders" are a serious people who boast of the best government on earth, and build bonfires when they succeed m electing an honest nian to office. But they- say nothing when, they, discover that it* was ali a mistake and that if there wa&' any hdhest man he must 'have been among the beaten. • ..•.•,''-.■* Some person seeking to qualify for the champion .mean man ? advertises: thus m the "Brisbane Courier": Wanted useful boy, able to milk . one cow or old pensioner; good home. '„-..•' It is to be hoped the cow will be there, for surely the. old / .fellow must have been "milked" sufficiently" dry to have to become a pensioner m his old age, What fearful Implements some folk use to do the simplest of services with. In a' shilling shocker (for which he was charged one-and-a-klck) "Critic" bought to wile away the tedium", of 'a railway journey, he read, Lord Biddlebuss stirred his tea with a groan. / , , As the incidents 'recorded m the book took place during the second year of the great war,: his patriotic ludship had possibly sent his spoons to be converted into silver bullets. ■■'• . « ■' ''. ».. . .. ••. ;■ '- ■ .. <FvQin a^pHapter further oh, the scribe discovered that her ladyship did not allow her lord and master to outdo her .m patriotic zeal, for he^ r>ead that Hex- ladyship did not notice the . eyes of the people turned curiously upon her, as she walked slowly through the village wrapped m thought. No doubt she parted with her duds for the same noble purpose as her hubby had pawned. the spoons, and do you wonder that the people had their eyes "turned curiously upon her" as she strolled through the- village streets wrapped 7 m such a transparent thing as the average woman's "thought"? In an account .for' the expenses of fighting the.' .'flu, the Wanganui Borough Council was faced with. an itemised statement embodying the following: . , . „ Cigarettes and tobacco, £6 7s 6d; ; two pairs of ladies' boots' at 29s 6d per pair; one wristlet watch, £1 ss. Just how the ladies' boots were ad.ministered to the patients, the. account unceremoniously omits to mention. Possibly" they > were employed to expedite the discharge^ of the unfortunate invalids. The wristlet watch was probably very appropriately used for. timing pulsesii However, after g one Councillor had plaintively. , asked whether the Council would get the boots at once or the boot at the elections, {he account .-.-. was passed with little, enthusiasm ■ : and . a . reservation that it mustn't happen again. ■„.■•..•• '• In trying to discover who was really responsible for the World War, some genius suggested that the truly guilty party was Mother Eve, for if she hadn't L eaten -that forbidden apple m the Garden of Eden we would all be living m the first Utopia yet. The mention of Eve m this connection led to an ignorant person asking how many apples Eve. ate? The newspaper man at whose head -the query was hurled, replied: "Eve 8 and Adam 2 — that is iOi" .The "Nebraska Herald" said, "Not so. Eve 8 and Adam 8 — ls," The "Mississippi Gazette" laughs at this, but not at Its humor, and remarks: ."Eve 8 and Adam 82 — total 90." "Oh, ■ oh," ".says the Noo Yawk "Judge," "you think yourself smart, but you ain't, Eve. 81 and Adam 812, total. 803," But it isn!t the first time a "Judge" has .been wrong, here history repeated itself. The "Ohio Advertiser" chips- in, '.'Get out! You for a judge, i Eye .814' herself, and Adam 8124: Eye, tqtal 8938." The ('lllinois Telegraph" doesn't see it, and points out that /Eye 8142 know how it tasted, arid Adam 28,142 see what.it ; might be like, total 36,284." Then "Wheeling" bucks m and says: "Our contemporary is, entirely wrong. Eve 8142V ruin the human family, and Adam 81,242 have a share m any devilment that was going, total 89,384." ' . . •.. • '.• ' .•" The rest of Uncle Sam's press hailed the answer given 'by "Wheeling" aa the last word on the matter. But it isn't, and only shows the limitations of these boosting 'Murkan Arithmeticians. ■ "Critic" never was a great dab at figures, though he could always count UP the amount that ought to be m his pay-envelope at the weekend. And *it was the "weak" end — of : his work, anyway. However, he thinks that Eve ate more than double the number of apples than these Yankee scribes give her credit for, and as he believes m always giving credit where it is due, he begs to set it out m this way: Eve 8142 have the satisfaction of knowing when Adam was doing anything that was wrong. Then she thought that.it was only fair that Adam should be (possessed of the same knowledge, else how could she blame him, if he , was unconscious of any wrong doing. So she set out to win Adam over to doing as she had done, and Adam J81243 know as much as Eve— total 18D.354, N. 8.: : 'Spite of the number he ... ate, Adam doesn't 1 know as muclvas Eve yet — not by a ' long way. <, .

Spinsterhood is sometimes a fault, V -o but always a misfortune. .'■■ " I ';.■"..'•■•'■■'■ v • ; '•"■ ''. '* ■ ' ■;■:: The difference between a soldier on.-;"yf: watch and a watch on a soldier, *is ; :-i| that the former marks time with hto :^ feet, and the latter marks time with; :-g its hands. - . ! ;% '"••'-• • "■■ '• . -rW3 A cow-cockle, jus* before the sign- ■•:';» ing of the Armistice, wrote home v r from the trenches:' • ••'■'_■ r ; .The duckboards are -delightfully ' ; flrm and springy to walk on, and the thought that immediately struck me . was, 'Why on earth, don't we use,; these things m the muddy cowshed V at home.' ' War is a great educator. Even a cockie picks up a point or two at it. • : • ■ ■ • ■ * •' :■■.-.;. ' Even if there should be "death m the glass," the incidental mortality appears to.be preferable to the alternative '\morality" of its banishment. ;-. At least, so "Critio" gathers from th» ). ultimatum of Mr. Allan S. Belflher* . . who states: . • : .■■•.-. C ";■ In the "dry" States of America, ; divorce has increased, the, moral ; -^ position is worse, and ineane a«y- . .: lums are filling with drug maniacs. „. > | . This indictment puts "poor humanity" J m "an 'orrlble 'ole": . To 'be or not to be? That is th« yj question — °>M Whether to be divorced or take to > drink, .- * — • "■ "■••■.- \-$ Whether to fill our "Little ifarys" .-With ;;ss ■\ vile drugs, • '.. .' U And drag our bodies to Insane asylums, <£| Or to take refuge m the old Arcadia o.;^ And seek our biers with tummy-load* :^| of beer. •, . '^M A correspondent at Makotuftu, sign- :&:■$ ing himself "Adsum," forwards ' "Critic 1 !' -1 an eighteen-months-old newspaper ; cutting which seems to -have, some < hidden bearing upon the subJAot ot 1 race suicide. He apologises for his.'.o;; delay m forwarding, by stating- that h he has only Just got his breath after,reading the paragraph, which runs as . follows: ; : . ,'." . „./ ; : .J'.. ..The Naples correspondent of the^ ; :i \r '(New York Herald"- .reported, some, : time back . that nearly 3000 persons '■';:: had signed a petition to the Italian - Government m favor of an Italian' • woman, Signora Maddalena. <3i- : anetta, of Nocera, near Naples, who, • ■ m nineteen years of xnarried life, .- has given birth to 59 boys and 3' girls. In nine years she was deliver- < ed of eleven sets of triplets. Three ■ times she had four at a birth, and on one occasion, she gave birth to four boys and one girl. The petition asked for an annual pension of 1000 lire (about £40) " for the woman.' This paragraph is.. an old friend o^ : "Cri tic's," m fact; a' ? belief m it is one / of the thirty-nine articles of his faith, i "Adsum" asks if we can authenticata the. paragraph iby a search through -'-." the Turf Register or Cruden's iConcor- v dance or the various lists of returning drafts. But it doesn't want any ail- ' : th'enticating. A story like that, especially with "1000 liars" at the back ot it, is beyond all question, and should ."..■;'•-': be taken on trust. The only metjhofl ..^S^ of authenticating it is by a process of .-'-' elimination, and as a start for "Ad- v sum" to work on we can -give him aH -■ assurance that nobody on the staff of ; : ;; "Truth" "did it." So he can wipe us out, anyway. If many of the Italian : ladies are capable of similar perfpri ' the Repatriation Problem,^. a*j j far as Italy is concerned, ceases auto- !. matically to have terrors. ■ ■•"'.-'• • ' Spain and Portugal, however,-. aur« * not so fortunate, for we hatrd it on the assurance of Bishop jFrodsham ' that: • . • ■ • .; ,..;,.. -..; ; . It was the undoing of Spanish,* Portuguese and other attempts at •; colonisation that they sent out tha -; men alone without the women. /. * Naturally it is hard to colonise a new ■•■ ; country without the assistance of an ;;• odd woman or two, but this difficulty - could be overcome by the Importation from Italy of half-a-dozen Maddalena ■ Gianettas. Th«y could do It on thftir ear with a little masculine assistanb*. .'•-- o' .-: ■•■■ ' . • ' ■ ' -■■'; "Con. Tinue" sings as follows m honor of the soldier boys who helped m « THE WORSING OP THE WOWSBRg. : ' ' ■. .' ■ It was a nasty -smack for us, : And things ware looking black for us, And as the boys come back to' ua, / Acroaa the briny sea, We'll tell them -what the wowsers did; 1 ■jVhat those without the trousers did; And show, thefta what therousers did To save their liberty. They left their homes.' to fight for. us, Or «riter death's black night for US, They said: "You will 'sit tight' f or u« Till we come home again." We'll show them how we bravely. •i fought. When eagerly the wowsers sought , To steal the liberty they bought So dearly o'er the mam. They beat the wily Hun for us;' , They got him on the run for usj And, oh! it. will be fun for us When ' we his face have seen. Who's landing on the dear old shor* (We hope he'll never leave it more), In time to drown the wowsers' roar And squeals of wowserine. When wowser was 12^000 strong Our hopes went low, but not for long; We knew the boys abroad would throng To save their country's name. And soon the cables to us flew;' They told us that the lads ware trut Excepting a benighted few, . Who played the wowser game. We cannot tell you how we feel. The gallant lads who set the seal On Wojyp£ers'> doom for woe or weal . Haye^thrllled our hearts with priae..U So give the boys a British cheer, ' Another when they've landed here; - They've saved the land they l l6v»'«i dear, ■ .; • , \'' ■■' ■■':■■ And wowser sway denied.