The Critic

NZ Truth, 5 October 1918, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted bravo th« Critic's rag* Or note unmoved his mention m tho Crttie** Mff*, Paracto hfe wTor la the.publio «*», And Mother Grandy** ras» dvfyf

In the race of life it isn't the "fast" man that comes out ahead. # ■ • •• ' ' • The girl who has a young man coming to see her regularly soon has a lean on his heart. ! '- • • • Higher wages produce new wants, I but 'i no finality. That can come only I when the worker obtains the whole product of his labor. # * # • •■ ■ . Beyond our ken is a vast expance Which knowledge hath never trod; The scientist calls it Ignorance, And the pietist calls it God.' m. •# # * .« v A German communique declares: A small bit of German territory is being held by a small bit of the American Army. ; • ■ Don't be downhearted, Fritz; both will grow. ■ r . • 1 • • • Life to-day, even to the better classes is a kind of tame and padded existence, for which the proletarian plugs have to be brutalised by overwork or no work, and tortured by anxiety even if they are not made to suffer the extreme pains and pangs of hunger and cold. # • ' * Sword bayonets for the German army were made before the war by women, who were paid twelve shillings a week of seventy-two hours — just two shillings a day,^ or twopence an hour. What more 'murderous thrust could they give even m war? They dripped blood even before they were ever pointed at an enemy. # ■■■•■■-.. • - All the papers say that the Allied offensive came as a surprise to the German command. No wonder, for, as the "Taranaki Dilly News" says: . America not m till 19120. The- 'Murkan. general says that his men were m advance of their schedule time at various points, but to be close on 17,000 years before their time would 'surprise even the . most watchful opponent. /• -

It may be that the Germ Huns, m carder to save their bacon, may have to sacrifice the Rhine. Who says the Austrian Army is not brave? • Did not the German High Command order it to "cross the Piave," and it actually crossed it twice! ■■■■■■••..•'. * ■ • ,•• '.We hear a lot about the "wicked Socialists" these times. Of course, the words are meant as a slur and a denunciation, but, m reality, they imply a compliment, as the old Saxon meaning 1 of the word "wicked" is "quick," "alive." ■■...'• - * • .; Dilly heading from the Christchurch Tory rag: AUSTRIA SCOURING HUNGRY , FOR FOOD. And, you better believe it takes some "scouring" to get anything from that quarter. ...• Dr. Glibb says that "God made both rich and poor.*' The dour doctor is "haverin? 1 and libels his Maker. God merely made male and female. It is the poor who make the rich, and it is the rich who^make the poor — and neither have any reason to be proud of their handiwork. , • ' * # A rumor from the front -states that the Yanks have invented a new poison gas, compared with which that of the gentle Hun is as harmless as mother's milk. It is said when it is let loose on the Hun it Will riot only render him hors de combat, but if he has his paybook on him it will invade that, and kill -his next-of -kin. ■ ,>- :■*:,;'.•■ :.■■'-.-■■ • , •. .-■#.. ■ ■. ...•-. The publican's breaker the wretches , had prigged, . Andjthey sneaked m the car with the .. "mountain dew"; But, too, much of the whisky the robbers, had swigged, . And. Bung; laughed as the motor cap- , sized the "full" crew, """■ When fall but honest men ■ get- their "dew." '

'Murkan papers say that President Wilson has vetoed the two and a-half dollar wheat. Gee. the ... operators m the "pit" must have found that go j badly "agin the 'grain." ■ - I . . # * , '*• ■ | ' He had "fenced" off the swag to an Mo', And had pouched his return m shil- . lings and pence, When the 'tec took him m, and he whined "Let me go, I want an attorney." The .'tec collared Mo'— i Arid smiled -as he said, "'ere's defence!" ' • V ■ '■■■■■ *- "*■.,.* ,. * The "Canterbury Guardian" makes the momentous announcement: The first week of 1918 has changed. Social features of July, 1914, have disappeared. ( . ' So when next the "first week of 1918" comes round, seeing it will be more January than July, folks will be apt to let it pass unrecognised. •■ '■<'.'* • - ■■"':■• ' ' '■:, The London "Daily Express" says: Before very long we shall be wearing boots made of shark hide. Owing to the scarcity of leather, experiments have been made m 'tanning their skins and those 6f other large fish. But if the authorities really want "something that. Will wear well," why don't they experiment m tanning the hide of the "sharks," who have been passing on to the market shoddy boots and shoes made chiefly of "compo" and brown paper? It might not turn out "soft and pliable," but its "durability* 1 would be undoubted. # ' • ' # -..■ Mark Twain's advice whert he once temporarily occupied the chair of the agricultural editor on an: American journal was that "Turnips should never be plucked;' it is better to shake the tree," but the " 'Split-Post," m its hints on domestic, gardening last week, adds some further information con-, earning this quaint vegetable and its curious habits. It says:. Turnips should be sown- m small Quantities, as they soon become woody after reaching maternity. Of course, the turnip is a prolific propagator, but it is news to learn that its domestic proclivities result m such disastrous ruin to its physical virtues. # * # ' . A According to the "Northern Advo- | cate" anything at all can^ pass muster these days as a house m Wellington. Even the "most hopeless and ramshackle structure imaginable" can command, an exorbitant rent. And, says" our Northern mentor, places that a. few years ago one would never have dreamt of as human habitations are being rushed. "Critic" knew, the housing trouble was somewhat acute m Wellington, but he thought the above stretched matters too much till his doubts were dispelled by the "Evening Post": ; \ V To let, 2 unfurnished rooms, upslaughterman, 4 and j general allround 15s linoleum on floor. That settled it. "Critic" is '-now convinced of our Northern contemporary's veracity. The housing question IS very acute m Wellington. . _. And still there seems to be a good chance or 'two going even yet for the early bird. Frnstns. -the "'Dough'minion" advertises: • To let ... superior 5 -roomed cottage ..... air conveniences, including hotel and cold water, etc. i : The "cold water" is evidently provided so that the successful tenant may judiciously mfcx his drinks when using the "hotel."- --# * . ■■ • ■ • "Critic" had had a surfeit of political oratory, and so he shut himself up m his castle and tried to get the sound of the voices out of. his ears the other night by taking up a book at random, but it was m: vain. The first words that met his eyes were the following: Robert Semple has a skilful command of virulent abuse ... . remarkable even for his time. At first the scribe thought he had struck a patriotic tractlet. but a second look showed him that he was reading about an old Scots song writer . who lived something over three hundred years ago. But, evidently, more things than wooden legs run m the blood. . • • • The censor is evidently not .keeping as. keen an eye on the "Timaru-Her-ald" as he should do, for this eminently respectable • journal is ••■■■ allowed to publish a portion of its contents' m cipher of the most flagrant type. In a recent issue it publishes "the following cryptic advertisement: ' A forty, h.p. Studebaker is second to none for comfort and reliability y hrdlu pn uri nunu and reliability.-: J. Holder has one for hire at any hour nuriu reasonable rates." • , , .. Just what message this conveys to the enemy, "Critic" has not so far ascertained, but if the "Herald" is 'allowed to publicly swear m this manner, why should Bill Smith be fined m the Magistrate's Court for calling his wife "a bifurcated piece of domestic machinery"? The old story: One law for the rich and another for the poor. * ■■'-■■• # "A.J.R." sends "Critic" another of ,his "Tinkles from the Trenches": /A DECENT MEAL. When the boys are feeling lonely, Sad at heart and ill at ease, How. they crave for something (homely— ■■■'...- \ Sick of bully beef and cheese. Margarine is rank and rotten, Pork and beans do not attract;] To the tea they cannot cotton — Can you realise the fact? Pictures this a big bronze soldier' Sitting down to . princely fare, Leg of mutton or the shoulder, Roast potatoes — gravy rare; Cauliflower — green peas to garnish, Apple pie and: heaps of cream; ' Glass of ale and "legs well under" But, alas, 'tis but a dream!

t There is something rotten about thd C law that needs a lawyer to interpret it. i Justice should deliver its judgments m ) the : "court, of common -sense, and, henceforth, there should be no possible dubiety as to meanings. ■ • . " • .- • > "Reasonable" advertises m the "Split-Post": Wanted to sell, good condition. Evident the latest dodge to secure a! C 2 certificate. It : also provides a splendid opportunity for one_ of those unfit patriotis who are "so sorry" at being turned down, of obtaining a.' "good condition" to fit him "to do his duty for his country!" # # : * A correspondent sends "Critic" tha following about .New Zealand's Prime Minister: • He's searching for a title, yes, 'Tis clear as clear can be, And he is sore he cannot score He still is plain Massey. He doth aspire, perhaps desire To be a baronet; The belted knight's not yet m sight, For he is "barren yet." i- # # * The unusual severity of the weatheiv during the last two months has puzzled the oldest inhabitants to account for. An advert, of the North Auckland Farmers' Co-operative, however^ tells us that: A steady stream of. land-seekera has set m from the South, and, m spite of adverse weather conditions caused by the war, good business has been done. Probably the person who drafted the advert, thought that the war had been blamed fb'r so many things that as like as not it was really responsible for our adverse climatic conditions. The fact that, as m many other ynes, "owing to the war," '-'good business" was done, would no doubt be cheering news to the heart of plute. . • .■'■'■•. • But there is still one thing more for which the war is to blame. The "Northern 'Advocate" says that: One of, the effects, of draining the country of its young men for military service is to be seen m the reduction of the number of dairy cattle m Taranaki. That, surely, is the limit. To assert that the JTaranaki cattle refuse to breed, because the young men m the district have been drafted for military service is to accuse them of being conscientious objectors and passive resisters far m advance of their human prototypes. #' • • . The tmbelievihg and sceptical So-; sherlist, whenever any of our statesmen warn them that, if they pursue their • confiscatory tactics, "capital-: ists and capital will leave the country," merely laugh and say they would like to see them adoin' orfi it, as if such a thing were impossible, but looks you. the " 'Dough' -minion" cable-fabler tells us that: A panic has seized the civilian population of Metz, and already all the well-to-do people have left the city, as also have the banks, with, their money and books. Gee, it must have been some sight to see those "banks" carrying "theic money and. their books." making track* out of the stricken city of Metz! . .'■■•■■ #'" ■■■ f '•-,■.' ' • A correspondent who has been smit-i ten with the "back to the land" doc-! trine, having secured a house and a) few acres m the suburbs, writes "Cri-: tic" asking if he will be allowed to deduce from his return of income the f money he is noTf laying out on gardening imple-i ments and m seeds and plants; and likewise in', procuring a good strain of laying fowls.; "Critic" isn't an expert m filling up income-tax papers, probably from the want of practice, but he would advise "Jim. Suburbia" to "try it on the dbrg." The intelligent young peri-pushers m the income-tax department may reply that primarily "Jim" and "Jim's" family will be those to benefit chiefly from his expense and efforts, but the same thing can be said of life insurance, at least so far as the survivors are concerned. : - "■■•••■ -•■■■ : • *• - . "- : It happened across the Tasmari. EM was on the. recruiting stunt His name was Watkins, Sergeant Watkins. H« was a grizzled elderly man, just returned from the front, incapacitated, left one son lying there for ever and had just heard that another had been wounded., These facts and his humor, mostly unconscious^ made him a great favorite at recruiting meetings. One night when he started to work on the Australian's pride of race, he com^ pletely broke the crowd up. This la! how he- did it: You chaps should be proud you are Australians. Your mates at tha front are the bravest men on earth. When a shell comes over the English and the French drop to hands and knees and try to crawl away to : safety. The Ghurka falls on his belly and wriggles away like a snake. But the Australian! Why, he just standa and cocks his eye up, watching th» course of the shell, grinds his teeth, and says: "You B ! One can imagine how the hall m whic'K that story was told would rock witi" 1 Australian laughter! • • ■• ft A PORTRAIT. r "~*y He Ibved^to feel his' great chest swellj Denouncing sin, proclaiming hell. And oft was seen his fiery face, Enthusing m the market place. He never played at cards; arid think—* He ne'er hied to the "pub" for drink, But kept at 'home 'his own supplies— And haply thus, the man was wise— - But this is merely "by the way"; For he was never known to say He. hoarded up, for private use The stuff on which he piled'abuse. He never touched the root of things* 1 Nor tapped the cause that squalou .brings; V He raved at racing, picture shows Arid every scrap of sport that goes*: Tobacco smoke, with all his might ' He hated— like a wowseritel^