The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 685, 27 July 1918, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention'in the Critic's pa 9*, Parade his error m the public eye, And Mother Grundy's rags defy? v ,

The best way to find a needle m a bundle of hay is to sit on it. «*• * •* Every time the Kaiser calls for victory Central gives him the wrong number. * .ft * "Critic" led his lady love to the altar thirty years ago. Since then she has done the leading. * * # A burglar armed with a revolver is arrested sometimes at the cost of human life, but the burglar armed with with a price list is immune from arrest. * * * . "We will soon want the man with one leg or none," said a speaker at v London National Service meeting. Ah, well, it won't be the first time men without much understanding' have taken service with the State, ft n * More prosecutions for selling impure milk. Yet "Critic's" mature opinion is that babies, like their parents, suffer more from capitalism than from impure milk. But the bigger the rogue the less likely is he to be interfered with. * • * The Balclutha "Free Press"- says: The soldiers' plot, now being laid out, promises to be a feature of the cemetery. Reminds "Critic"- of the graveyard cornnflny m Falkirk,, which advertised its "lairs" as being "up-to-date and m fine sunny situations." « « « It Is well these days for trades unionists to remember that the Kaiser sent a "decoration of the first olass" to Professor Eliot, President of Harvard University, the* man who canonised the "scab." No doubt the Shammies remember. * .. .* . » • The' most graceful or" our domesticated .animals is the cat, and the most awkward of our domestic fowls is the duck. Yet if you call your best girl a* "duck," she takes it as a compliment, and if you call her a cat she immediately returns your ring. But women ever were contrary. * « # The " 'Split'-.Post" humorist is funny m spTte of himself. The other Saturday m his column of "alleged humor" he said: A woman doesn't always have the last word, does she?' Oh, no, sometimes she is talking to another woman. And doesn't she have it then? » «> # The break-up of Yarmany, internally, is imminent. The "Moaning Times" asserts that: The Germans are now faced with the grim fact that 6,000,000 months at the very least have to be filled three times a day. No wonder even her storm troops find it hax'd to keep pace with her calendar! *• * * In describing a new building, "The Builder" Tays: The new building will be the first of its kind, and we hope may remain so for an indefinite period. ' Though it may seem the. reverse of a compliment, "The Builder" scribe may rest assured on that point. There is no doubt of it. « . • • "Critic" the other day dropped into a suburban school during the weekly singing lesson. The teacher was instructing one of the girleens, who seemed rather listless, how to incxease her vocal volume. "My dear," he said, "you must open your mouth and throw yourself into it. The look of blank amazement that came over the face of that non-musical miss waß worth a guinea a box. * * « Under the heading:, "Child Life In New York," the Smelbourne "Argus" gave a list of the increases of salaries granted the Federal Parliamentary staff. Looks as if a cause for a libel action lurk 3 therein, as the assumption Is that the increases were given m order to enable the recipients to meet their liabilities incurred m helping to populate 'Murka, without having to cut into their missuses' present allowances. * * • # The degradation of the commercialised stage is shown ?by. the way Jits hired "publicity" agents m 'Murka invent, scheme and lie to the public. Miss Lemard, a chorus girl, testified m court that some reporters came to her dressing room and asked • questions. "The agent told me," she said, "to say that Mr. Lamar was a friend of mine, and I followed instructions." Result: Scandal m Mr. Lamar's family, and a valuable free advert, for the theatre! ';-'; '. ■ . # . ,';.,'■.■■'•■ ■ „*!.:■ ' ' ' 'v "Clvis" of the. "-*{ 'pago'^Tinieg'' is notperturbed that;^6'b^2%Elh;^s4tp raise. £ 20,000;000 ■Ketor&fii&Mfi&rMi&Qyit. He says i si^ngand: ■; •■-. ■:*sss!§&s?' ■ things'- a^e'^^ex;a^;£ -^•It^a-' kicking agairist;;Mto;; f^ric^l^g^'ounds stoical, this, ■> "iM|s£ >^sa;y^fhT^otpal. But m matters ftnah-' ""ciaTwriaVare the pricks, and where? Are there really any pricks to kick against ? Is there not — as the "Daily Times" remarked the other day apropos of race meetings — "plenty' of money available for the shallowest forms ol 1 amus3ment?" The "shallowest form of amusement," according to this wise-acre, who says that the "hundreds of thousands" that change hands at race meetings "are poured out like water" and simply "run to waste," is, of course, racing. "Critic" will have to read this sapient scribe another little lesson m economics, or the ppor parrofty pen-pusher wi.1,1 be making a darn fool of himself again.

A woman may forgive an injury but she never forgets a slight. <♦ * * The Copper Trail: The "Johns" ; winding their way to the Magistrate's Court at 10 a.m." * ■ # * Luck may account for, a good deal, : but m a game of cards, a go6d deal is better than luck. * «■ # ! "Twice the wife is dear to the hus- ' band," says a Russian cynic, "when he i marries her and when he buries her." / * »? if ■ One of the latest recruits at Treni tham is named Bark. When he gets , within pawing distance of the Hun, it ( is to be hoped he will show them that i his bite IS worse than his Bark. ■ . * " # , • c Mrs. "Critic," who is a regular at? tendant at church, says that during the last four years one of the most popular liy-mns has fallen out of favor. It had the refrain, "Here am 1., Send me! Send me!" * * # The Londing " 'li:rald" says: The crocodile is greedily devoured by the natives of Africa. And, on occasion, the crocodile returns the compliment. * # » If the war Is for anything worth fighting for it is for the people of Belgium, France, Serbia, etc., voting to choose their own governments; yet, In the recent elections m "Groperiand" (Weetralia), forty per cent, of tho workers were too tired to vote. ANOTHER BRITISH DEFEAT. "All the bells of heaven may ring" An likewise of Berlin; John Bull has blocked up Zeebruggo ■mouth, Ami now he can't get m! - ( * =* . « In doscibing an incident m last week's fighting 1 m France, the cable cobbler says: A band of a dozen New Zealanders forged themselves to the front. How war changes everything. Those who "forged" their way to the front before the war were put m "chokey" if caught. * * * It was after the annual fair at Athlone, and the whiskey and the whacks had been going- the rounds for quite a while, m the row Mick lost sight of his brother Pat and hunted for him for a considerable time before deciding to go home. He had got a good bit from the fair ground when he came upon Pat lying bleeding m a ditch. "Ochone, Pat avic," he cried, "it's kilt entoirely yez are! Are ye dead, Patsy?" "No, Mick, ma bouchill," a weary voice replied, "I'm not dead, but I'm spacheless." •* # # The jubilee of Greymouth has fairly knocked the headeater of the "Grey River Argoose" off his equilibrium. In one of many eloquent leaders on the subject he says, speaking of the pioneers : They, were hig souls they had hearts of gold. They were generous they were always ready to help a fellow m distress. A' little further on he tells his readers that it was their "hearth" that was of gold. "Critic" does not know what sort of soul a "hig" soul Is, but if It belongs to a bloke who has a heart and a hearth of gold, then it's all right, even though the scribe's grammar is considerably costive. • © • At the end of the same leader, the jubilating editor perorates after this fashion: An honest man's the noblest work if what Burns meant when he wrote i Princes and lords are but the breath ■ • of Kings, An honest man's the noblest work- of God. Which is hardly complimentary to hia knowledge of the poets, and of Burns m particular. The first of the two lines quoted is but Burns's paraphrase of Goldsmith's famous lines. Princes and lords may flourish or ;,&■ may fade, ; jA breath can make them as a breath ';V has made. W ; hile the second line is not Burns's at all, but Alexander Pope's. • ■ * ■•'■'■ The Christchurch "Sufi" has a "cub" journalist doing its literary column these days, chiefly by the aid of the well-known and time-honored instruments. A couple of weeks ago he aaked: -hjs; latest- enthuai^nis';-;"; v ; ; - Then he goes, oiivtc^ declare" that v the lady in- ; questidn;;ig^/^ . ■.-.-/..■ *'. ■ •"": . .Another feminine ;:hope,;: '.""' .i^bout. eighteen;^ :0.0k.:a weU-lyiowii : reviewer , gently to same writer, who, by the way, has seen known to readers of advanced literature for quite a number of years. The Wellington reviewer, m response to "Critic's" remark, confessed that the book he had reviewed was the first of the lady's he had seen, and he was highly delighted with it. It seems it took eighteen months for her name to travel from Wellington to the Christchurch "Sun" Office. But the "Sun" soon ; . made up for lost time, for the week following that m which it asked the question it Included "Rebecca West" as m Britain's "first eleven!' novelists! R-eally, a reputed reviewer ought to read his (?) pars before passing m his "copy."

: There's no one nose what'll hold all the snuff m the world. * '* '- ' * . It is said that soldier boys on leavt get all the fun of the fair. « ■ * MiLandladies have a partiality for carpenters because they are good boarders. * * * Thing-s might have gone better at th« front If some of the hossifers who hay«, been field-marshalled had been courtmartialed. ■» # * livery day we hear of new drafts arriving at the Western front. War may ; be a game of drafts, but, if we are to believe the cables, a!l the moves are not on the square. . • * ' • ' • : The plute press publioity propaganda, .; "reviews- of "■ the war," are but teaching ' the Allies lessons that ought to have , been learned by reviews "before" the ; war. . •• ♦ • i . Quarrels m Ireland over Home Rule will be truly academic if the Hun s wins. Guess they won't be academic if Pat. has to wait forf that serene consummation. * * • ; Now that the Yankees are m khaki to , the number of millions, and even with : civilians khaki Is the only wear, the crow of the Anglo-'Murkan Entente may appropriately be called "Khaki-doodle-do." * ; .' « # * • ; Referring to the. various divisions m . the Labor ranks, one of the delegates' at the recent conference, is alleged 'to have declared that "now is the time to knock the hydra^head of faction a rap over the knuckles!" *•• ■ • ■ «. Advert, from the "Times": Touth -wanted by Gentleman aged seventy-five. Alas, the "gentleman" who can afford to advertise will flnd his quest ag fruitless as that of the beggar of the gam* age who 'can't afford to do bo. *. .•« * # The London "Daily News" is responsible for the report that: 'Among the American . ribldiers m Britain a.ra a number of expert coiners, and while they were In. London many counterfeit British florins were put into circulation. However, we can afford to give them if, when they get to France, they produce a few counterfeit British "Bobs!".-.. -.... w .., 'a*. * # ' The reason why the poet was refused when he proposed to his Angelina was. because he mixed his figure of speech . and asked her if she would walk with him down the stream of life! She probably thought it too deep a water to wade. * • • One of the catchiest of the catchy choruses sung- by the Shammies on their way through Noo Yawk streets to embark for the front runs merrily along thuswise: . We're on our way to Heligoland to get the Kaiser's goat. In a good old Yankee boat Up the Kiel Canal we'll float. I'm the son of a gun, if I see Si Hun I'll make him understand^ We'll knock the heligo into heligo out of Heligoland! ■ * * • ' ' ' A Cockney Tommy got one on to a New" Zealander on a visit to, London, The two crossed over to "Blighty" . on furlough together, and during a • conversation the respective cost of building m their native countries was touched upon. As a proof of the low coat of building m Britain, the Tommy said that Buckingham Palace cost only two "quid." "Gam! that for a yarn," said the Digger. "Well, strike me pink," said Tommy, "if it weren't built for one sovereign and finished for another." • # - • .' THE NEW ZEALANDERS AT " ! MESSINES. Here is another of "A.J.R/a* "Rhymes Written m the Trenches": Come gather round my hearties, and I'll tell you of the scenesv When we beat the Prussian Army a.% the battle of Messines. They boasted that we couldn't take it from them. If we did. They'd quickly take it back again. 'Twas a dollar to a "quid." So we started June the seventh; 'twas ten minutes after three, And so Jolly all the boys wet* you'd have thought It was a spree. The mines went up In chorus, and guns began to roar, Twelves, Howitzers, and fifteens, and Gaud knows what else more. We climbed the bags together and w« started on our way; "There's a. long trail awinding" and "some stunt" I heard some say; But we made straight for his first line and the wire that wasn't there — " It was just a bit of pastime— l'd ha» took my son and heir!, . r As we approaphed the village, "Hot Stuff" was flung about; And the boys were getting anxious to root the blighters out. "You'll be getting m our barrage, cried the skipper on our right, "We'll be getting into somewhere^-, f^lf elled tlfef;z;l K with delight, -v^; j : W i e; i chargedMntb-tn'e village— little left ;.r:;;;above the ground— ■■ ...,..: - . •*- ■:-■- ■■« Ife^was just a mass of ■ dug-outs ana: •-..-,;,, : : Vgun. possies" all around; _ .:'; ' : We were m 'and out and. round them- -„• ...with "bombs," ''grenades' . end • "stokes," .■" "'■'■■.- ■'« Pigs, Lewis guns and rifles, and various other jokes. We dug m quick and lively 'neath a 'storm, of shot and shell, Then the "Aussies" came right through vs — for they do their duty well. Should New Zealand want assistance, Australia does not lack — As the "Huns" were massed to counter, they calmly drove back. Now this war will soon be over, and our boys will see it through; If Fritz makes it "fight . to finish" h» will get it strong- and ■"ti'ue;If again he'd challenge Britain because it's but a speck, Again from her colonial cubs htfH "get it m the neck!"