THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 606, 27 January 1917, Page 1

THE CRITIC

Not musical boxes: Band -boxes. • « • The next world's fair: Thin angels, . to * » Antidote for Zeppelin raids: AntlZeptics. •• _ « Disturbing the grave: Making a wowser' laugh. * 9 » * Fools are seldom aa harmless as they appear to be. • . « • Why should barbers muko the best soldiers? Because they are all strapping fellows and can lather anybody. « • • In the old mining days it used to be "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world." Now It is the cyanide pfant. • • • The butcher blokes claim exemption from military service on the ground that they are "killing" for their country now. • # • Men of v speculative turn of mind often u.sk: What will become of (he last man? "Critic" can clout It In one. He will get lea. » « • A 'Murkan paper asks What Is worst for the country: v lawyer or the buzzard? This is what "Critic" calls worse than tiplltllng hulra. o « tf To show we know what orderliness means, say the old adage makers, we must first learn that there Ih a placo for everything, and. secondly, to put everything In Its place. The dlllictilty, thoao times, bo far tm "Critic" Ih concerned, Is In getting hold of anything worth having a place to keep It In. • • ■» Coming back from the races on Monday, BlUzac, who had done In nil his "dough." whh In a sHwHinicntal mood, and begun telling a vurn m keeping with his mental mate. After talking about umpteen minutes, without getting to the point, he drew a long breath and began agnln: "The evening wore on. . . Seuac me." Intorjoctcd Kobjpbn. 'but If it did, wot waa It that bianky "evenln* wore?" "If you rnu*tt know," mil-j Blllzac unrcasllcalty, "It won th« cloatr «f a perfect dayf"

Who can undaunted brave tho Critic* rngo, Or note unmoved hia mention m tho Critic's page, Parade his error m tho public eye, And Mother Grundy's rag« defy?

Breeches of trust: Unpaid for pants. * * • A tight corner: The drunks' pen at the court. * • * The church failed to Christianise business, so business commercialised the church. o « « Mrs. "Critic" says: "One has to be 'some' sprinter to keep up with the 'running expenses' of the household these days." * • • "Why Is It," asks a contemporary, "that politicians seldom have handsoms chins?" "Critic" surmlsea that It is because they devote all their time and energies to the cultivation of cheek. « ♦ 9 "There's plenty of room at the top," raid old Dan'l Webster, the American lawyer. Dau'l may have been right, but if he was. he ought to have had the savvy to notice that the room was In the wrong place. Whcro the roum is wanted is at the bottom, where most folks have got to stay. * ♦ • Hath not the old Latin scholars said: ! Amicun Plato, amlcus Socrates, j sad magi« arnica Verlius. Which being Interpreted, reodeth: Plato is my friend, Socrates la my frlen.J. but "Truth" is more my frlund, » • « 'Writing uuntcnt lously of the wur the Jxmduii "l-'vt'nlng Standard" snyst This conflict will prov« the threshold of a. groat beginning, or ' It will prove the beginning of the \ end. i Though "Critic" enn't gueH.s what It j Is the writer wishes to ho m. he can't j help ttuylng lo him: "Bless yvr, It's j both!" ' " ; ■ • • i The rtev. IJ. Kerr. of Chlcngo «nys: { Too much handling spoils a flower, and th« dolieatc? blossom | of srirthood is handiod quite too j much thftiv duy» for Jt« bout charm ) to remain, ! What Li girlhood's "best charm" 1-U«v. j sir? Now. O. Korr-ful, or ono may be i tempted to n«/. U you are Hpcukiug i from oxporiwnctK l !

"Critic" studied long and laboriously to secure his coveted M.A., degree, and then w-hen the list of passes appeared m the local rag, all his friends hastened to congratulate him on his , "ltfck;" ' ■.*■■"■ • , • The ". Manawatu Standard" adver. tlsed thusly: Wanted, women and girls for Ironing. Apply Mann's laundry. This is evidently the inception of the new era 'brought about/ by the war — getting- girls to do a Mann's job. • • ♦ "Seems to me we're going to have Tough times ahead," said Growler, "that's more than ever apparent." "Same here," said Smiler, laconically. "Sams here!" exclaimed G. brusquely, "Why, what do you mean?" "I'm more than eyer a parent. Happened last , night — Triplets!" • * « The latest joke with the Mount Cook constabulary. A poor mai*rlecl man was slapped across the face the other day by his better-half. Next she got "her big brother on the job. When the fracas became too hot, hubby rushed to the. fire alarm and brought the Wellington Fire Brigade on the scene lo Quell the disturbance. •• • • When a sheaf.er's appeal was before the Wellington Military Board. Captain Walkejr said: It comes to one of two things — either they must fight for their country or they must shear for their country. Barkis is wlllin', captlng, but say, w'en are ye goin' to tackle those that "shear" the country? « • . • Tho writer of a book on the boyhood of Mr. W. B. Yates, the Irish poet, tells his readers that: Mr. W. B. Yates, as everybody knows, comes from the Protestant North of Ireland, Sligo to be exact. , Exact? If thJs la a sample of English exactness m regard to things Irish, then it explains a lot. Sligo is no part of the Black North, but a purty little county m Connaught, avic! # * * An advertisement from the "Wanganul Chronicle" reads: Wanted.—Lad from school or returned soldier, to learn sheep farming and fencing; must be able to milk a couple of cows. \ So, the returned soldier, who has fought for cows and country, is regarded as being on the same e:irnlng plane as the "lad from school." Mars must have a mighty deteriorating effect on the working efficiency of the man or is this an attempt to got something for very little? * • * The reviewer of books for tho "New Zealand Times" has a fine fancy. The other day he wound up a review of the late Eleanor Stanley's "Twenty Years at Court," thus: Edward VJI.t Empress Frederic, mother of the Kaiser! That's what you were In tho 'forties! What are you thinking now, m the mhlst f>r the cannon, and the trenches, and the Lusitanlas? If tho "Tlrnci!" reviewer will tell "Critic" where a hours "midst tho cannon and the irem-hes untl tho Ltisltanlas" Edward VII. and Ernpreaa Frederic can be got nt, he will undertake to find out what they are thinking n,ow. • • • « Rome recruits have the devil's luck. One artillery driver at Featherston haa had all the aieknesa going: round the camp and has had extra leave accordingly. While In camp he was given first a double dose and latterly a treble allowance of morning suits, but it took no effect upon his ln'urda, hla bliJousnews continued ftnii he was given leave to see if home dialing would, bring him round. This leave hnd to be renewed several timea, Mo got cured of his bile, but ha caught the rhouma and the devil knows what not. Then wonl went round tho hut thru his leave had been extended for the ten-teemh time— on this occasion tho cause was a sceptic hund. "Cheese un crust!" said the bombardier, '"X was a plurry sceptic tank, w'en ho wur 'ore!" • « • According to a Westrallnn exchange, a Chinttraun named Ah Pack was | brought before tho Kutsunlnltifir Bench |ti few weeks ago to answer ft charge of using langunire calculated "to -Incito a breach of the peace." Tho evidence ahowe.il that v letter was belnjc j | read Informing v West Australian far* ' liner of the death of tun «on at the j front, when the Chow Interrupted with the comment, "They u!l wunt — killing that fipht niralnpi Qennnny. China will OkM to the Jaal man for ; Germany to crush I-Jntflanel!" The j Mujflstrnte fined Ah J*aek ten whlllln^K, JApnrt fron» such rlillc»)lo»iH leniency In j fnce of the f««t t»tat other DriUsh Doj ininlonx are Klvinjr men 12 montha' j i £aol for much milder l.tns-um?e, the I • tone of the remarks might rnlse a j question «v* to whether tho nentlmem« j of Ah Pack nrv reeiprooitcd by most 'of htji countrymen who quietly piwli t their |<nnunii curU nnd keep their ! hend* *o lifibily nbut cuncurninff tho 1 war.

Says the "Ndo Yawk Tribune:" The proportion of. poor to rich is about the same in' the United ' States as it is m England. What? In spite of higher wages, greater prosperity, Republicanism and Triumphant Democracy. .•.;..:•■■'• f • \ .'. v The London "Daily Chronicle*' assured Its readers the other day that: The South-eastern Railway is parochial m its ideas and ideal m its character. Gee, but the South-Eastern must be "some" railway! '•■. . • • fr The Square Deal organ tells its readers that: : V It is a good plan to. believe only htflf of", what ' you read or hear, and then forget most df that. Righto. But it is bettor still to forget all of.lt, if you heard It from a Square Deal; politician, or read it m the Square Deal press. ♦ • . • In a plea for more economy m food, the London "Daily News and Leader"* says: '. [ ' Most people would be physically benefited by eating less meat, at least 'for a time. This seems rather vague. Does the writer mean that if one eats less meat "for a time," he'll be benefited mentally for ever after, or if he eats less meat for the rest of his natural be "mentally benefited" "for a time"? ••. " 9 \: •■■ Trying to emulate Shelley, and the "Ettrick Shepherd," a backblox baTdie sings of the "Sfinstlrel . of the . morn" thus: ;i " v Oh, lark so high that wlnsreth, :_ That soars and soaring; slngeth; In sweetest song Thy notes prolong, Joy to my heart it brlngeth. Of course, the lark's flight is a fair soar. The bard's, some thirty verges, on the other hand, is a sore affair and tempts one to retort: Oh, hark to the lark up on high, Singing loud beyond reaoh of my eye. As I list, I say, "Ohl M Would that bardies below. Could Sing like the lark — m the sky." • * • "Critic" has often heard that as thore are munv different kinds "of Christians, so there are many different kinds of Socialists. It has fallen to the "Academy." n cjassy London weekly, don't-yer-know, to discover another kind of this last. It has discovered a ."Socialist"-. that. "lsn't a Soclulist." "The Akeilemy" says: Socialists of the reasoning kind nre not Socialists at all, but Sociologists. I If the classy "Akedemy," demmo, j doesn't watch out it \\ill become as bright as the Auckland, Chrlatchurch, j and Dunedln trinity of "Stars." which If not luminous are certainly all unwittingly humorous when they touch on this subject . •'.■.• • It was the "New Zealand Times" which sometime ago. m writing of vol» unteers, said: A volunteer Is not regarded as a hero. Because he volunteers he certainly Is not a hero. I fa that the reason why he isn't a hero? ; Perhaps the turgid "Times" meant to cay that: Certainly he is not a hero bocause he volunteers. Which la correct. But still aa heroism, like poverty, Is a relative term, he |la more of a hero than the aort that ; don't volunteer. The "Times" penpusher seemed to have a notion of this somewhere behind his ears, for he adds: He Is doing his duty. And what aro the able-bodied men. who are not volunteers, doing? Not their duty surely. Apparently "doing their duty" is much I too heroic for them. « o • And all this Inkslinplng concerning who ar« heroes and who ain't Is backed up by v Horvlle scribbler who dogmatises behind the Idlotorial "we." And who aro the plurality of persona represented by the Pluto pon-pushpr'a "we"? If it means the money- maker*. ; th« laml-fakors. the profluanalkera, the j ront-rakera, and the dividend takers, then "Critic" grants they are not do- j Injc their "dooty." Their bank balnncw I !nre bulging to bnrntinir, and iiny coun- > 1 try Is good onmigh for them In which < they win make their pile. Wur or no , wnr the workers tlroJlegtUy toll to pro- j vide that best defence of all— plonty (or the ii»*pilh of ovoryonis but their I own legitimate share l« held hack un- ; generously nnd unfairly, while others,! who toll llttlo or none, fforjro tb«muctvtMi with superfluity. In time* of jK-aoe, If thu Journalistic Jingoes had dotio what they ought to havo don« to lu-Ip tho proletarian producora to win t ho free and unfettered powioMion of their own. ihero would havo been no need to plead for volunteer*; no neod to pass compulsion acts. Their duty would have been too palpable to no«d empliutflalnK or to call for oowclnf. eo«r<?lnsr. or cudgoUlnf m order to compteto tho noeoAaary contingent* of j combatant*. • '

The "New Zealand Times" prints! this truism: :| John Arthur Jackson found him- ijj self facing the Bench m the Mas- -^ istrate's Court on a charge of m- | dlilging m a form of illicit prl- I ' vate enterprise, to wit, that of pil-»i-| * 'feririg.; v V ■■'(-■■ '. •-£ Quite right. . Now if, ha had been m± contractor supplying mattresaes to thai army, or a money-lender at sheat-per- 1 shent -! ,;\ • • • ' '■! "Critic" went to PHmmerton on An- ■ nlversary Day and 'while there waa ; bailed up by two lady friends who 5 made him take thenp for a walk. ,We i were going along chatting gaily when, 1 at a turn In the road, a. trio of wild j youngsters came into view yelling joy- ' fully. One pulled a box on wheels, lni which a little dirty- faced laughing 'baby, stft, -while the third with hat demoralised, bare feet and torn clothes, brought up the rear. As the latter' stooped to push the Improvised waggonette, he emitted a flowing, doubtfully whit£, "flag << truoe" through, a large hole In the seat of his pants, against a background of bare skin. "What a picture," said the elder of the two girlß, who has artistic sympa-Y thies. "It's a dream," cooed the other. } This last was too much for "Critic," so> ho sold, "That's no darn dream. That's a stern reality. A bare bottom fact." Then he "cut his stick" to escape the overflow of maidenly mock modesty, but on looking back he saw those two girls hanging on to the fence trying to con- '' trol their convulsive merriment. . % • . •• ..:; In the same carriage with "Critlo" ..: on- his way back to Wellington was a motherly woman and eenty-teenty -- « kiddles. When John tho guard through the train and stentorioasly cried "Tickets, please!" mater trem- : bllngly handed him a ticket and a half, which was all she hud. "Which is s your child?" asked Jock, nettled like, "Stand up, children," said Mum. IT© Tcbunted them m amazement— eleven m alt — and exclaimed: "Aro these all yours or is it a picnic?" Bursting Into tears, tho poor creature said, "Yes, they're all mine; and it ain't no picnic, neither!" • • • A writer "Critic" delights to read is 13. V. Lucas, not on account of any originality In his writing, for that quality wems delightfully absent. "Crlttc" uses the word "delightfully" advisedly. There Is so much m .Mr,.:; Lucas's work that, though not original,,''; Is very delightful. A dip into his "London Revtsltod" gives one tho 1mpresslon that the writer had not much ; time for investigation t whon ho ro- ? visited London. In fact one can't help * tho suspicion growing that tho visit ,', Instead of being made tn person," wa3 r made per medium of some old scrlb- - filers' volumes now read only by students and literary fosslckors of which t E. V. Lucas is not the least. Tliero nr* Quite a number of serloaa "bloomers" In the volume* In speaking ofLondon Statues, he fails to tell us df ,• some statues thut are there and ho i tclla us of others being there, that i wero removed years ago! It would ;; seem also that Feargus O'Connor, the f. great chartist loader, who lies burled * In Kensal Green, and over whose re- C mains bis admirers raised a modest memorial, la unknown to the versatile, ■ peregrinating paragraphist, Mr. Luca«. • • • | R. F, Haybittle. of Felldlng. flu tea ? feelingly of ? THE NEW ZEALANDER IN * FRANCE. Why did we leave our island home? . God's own — ah. What a loss! ■ > The kaka's cry, tho blttorn'n boom, , Tho radiant Southern Cross. The fern-clad dells, tho alplno height* The sound of the bell bird's call: The dewy moms, the starry nights, The silvery waterfall. The rivers o'er their rocky beds Rush sparkling to the sea; iTho tois droop ihoh- golden heads, 'Mid tho droning of tho boo. The locusts m the karaka glades To sloop with song they woo, The flax plant roan it shining blade* While- pigeons softly coo. The lakes, tho streams, with llf« abound. The sea Its harvest yields: ;Tho forest depths aro rich with xound, j Ripe corn waves o'er tins fields. Tho mnltni. ratu, matlpo, j The graceful nikau pnlm. ; The west wind o'er t)jo nntpon blow, » And floworw deck iho farm. That l« the rock-jrlrt happy homo j Wo k>ft In iho Southern Sons, ' With uo doalro tho e«rth to roam. ' Nor yet ourwilvcn to ploane. i But to help the dear old Motherland, I And our Emplm'e utronuoua j>!lfht— iTbat's why wo loft .Now s:«aJand't | mrand, | Thitt'xi why wo'ro hero to fight. But other* of our race had scaled 4 Thy holchta, OaUlpoll, I And how thoy fotjfht, and foil. nn» fAilod Bbn.ll lire In hlntory. For mothors, «Lst«m. home, and King Our brother* fought and bled. Now o'er tbolr craves iho m>a bird* ■inf Too Rwjuimu of tfc* D«U\w