The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 605, 20 January 1917, Page 1

The Critic

Who cm undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention m th* Critic** p*g«, Parade' hw mt*wr tn the ptffoOo eye, And Mother Grand?** rage defy?

L- A rifle team: A gang of burglars. 5 • • • c Grist to the mill: Stadium stakes. h * * • . The' road to nowhere: The treadmill. •\ # • c "Critic's" missus call* him "chequea mate." a • • • Warsaw saw war and is now more war sore than ever. 6 • You can't make better men by supa porting a rotten system. v i- * • . •. If one cigar will make a man 111, will two make a manilla? • • • Mrs. "Critic's" latest poser: "If a woman Is kept short how can she be ® expected to g^>t along?" a ■ • • * n True frlendshop, when our world is r bright, - 0 Star-like, recedes from sight; / 0 j Artd, star-like, glows 0 When darkness and defeat around us v close. ej • • • •• j It Is not correct to say "Grecian," a i one should Bay "a Greek." — "Ladles a Gossip." - Would you of fickle Tlno speak, t j You must not say a "Grecian"; it j For though he's both a rogue and sneak, . i Remember, still, ho Is a "Greek," j And not a bally greasy Hun. ,f | • m * # - "? The "Wa'nganul Chronicle." In ro|J porting a court case over ca rgo- broach - j Ing, the other day, says: if 1 Out of one case of French brandy 0 | no fewor* than Beven bnttles had :> j beon extracted. t Scvon "buVtlcs" out of nun ca«i» of j - French brandy surely shows the true ' o Frenoii fighting ''spirit" ull right. ! ;. ; • • • _ ' A South Island p«P^r. m Its column h of Interesting jottings aays: « j At tho Ivondon Museum i« prc- '' [ served the post-chntHfc which wa» o I used by tho Duke of Wellington t ; both during tho Peninsula War and r at tho Battle of Waterloo. n I Well, the Duko was lucky to havr- such I a vehicle to chaso Napoleon In. Lots ■of the" jtoldlurs had to follow p<»r j c i lilucher. Hut clvllhiatlon he» Altorod » all tbla and now w<» "put on tho tank" ! s and c.baAo <he Our».

A man of quiet "tastes": A Jamie Woodser. • • • The cable-cobbler tells us that: Kalendra and Topalova are reported to have been evacuated. It is said that the Bulgarians are ready to make peace. The Bulgars wish this war was o'er, If but to start do novo; For they are feeling rather sore After their Topalova. • • • The London "Daily Chronicle" referring to overseas statesmen the other day put it this way: Mr. "Maesie," Promlor of New Zealand. Mr. Andrew Fisher, Australian Premier. And Is the great Hughes already forgotten? Such is fame. • • • _ In a war cable In the Manchester "TCvenlng News" there occurred a blank, which an editorial note explains thus: Hero some words have been exercised by the Censor. They wore raw recruits, probably, and were In need of physical drill to make them fit for military service. • • • The "Polynesian Gazette" gives an Item of war news. Speaking of a captured Gorman dug-out it says: About 400 m<?n were captured In this shelter. It could easily hold ns many thousand . "Some" dug-out that that could hold 400,000 men. Noah's Ark ntyl the Tower of Hal>»*l wore -mere packing e;i»<r« t'ompared to the burrow which could shelter tf>n army corps. i • ' In reporting the damage don«? to the I Ohiro Ho.mt'. Wellington, by tht« eloctrle sl^rm. which occurred on the Kth InNt., v/hon tin; IJtfhtnlntf tore down a 1 2ft. chimney, risailo a hole In the roof übout -Oft. B>|i.mr«\ and generally played lltllo MudcM with tht> furniture and things, thf '• •Spllf-l'ost" Huys: Fortunately the tr«ub)ij occurrotl In the portion of the building occu- ■ plod by the Superintendent -(Mr. A. 11. TruebrldKf) nml his family. "Fortunately!" Mr. Trunbrldtrc. Uoubti if-ns, disagrees with thn "Pom." -Hut isn't that a most dlaln«ori;oux way thu ! WIHIs-tttreM wobblor ha* of allowing iv anln>n»?

A recipe m the Household Column of the "Guardian" reads; Alcohol cleans silver. It does. It cleaned "Critic's" clean up, all right. • * • Another recipe is headed: When to tell a bad egg. "Critic" doesn't want to know when to tell a bad egg anything. Besides, it generally talks so loudly Itself that he is glad to get as far 'out of range as possible. , • ~* • • "Current Literature" informs ,us that Louis J. McQuilland has issued "A Song of the Open Road and other Verses," with a poem m verse by "G.K.C." "G.K.C." is our old, fat friend, Cheeky Chesterton. Well, "Critic" has read a lot of verses by "G.K.C." but, so far. has failed to find any trace of poetry In any of them. It is to be hoped the "verse" will turn out as advertised. •• • • She was as pretty a bit o' skirt as the wide Waira'pa could boast of, and as modest as a violet withal. So when her big cousin, from the 23rd Artillery, when visiting herj on his final leave, threw his foot over the back of a high chair, and said saucily, "You can't do that!" she blushed with embarassment But after the soldier • boy had gone she nearly came m halves trying to make her' dear little tootsies form parabolas over the back of that particular chair. • •■"'• • ■ . Where the carcase is ther^ shall the carrion be also. The following is from the "New York Herald": For sale-rPiece of land of 10 hectares, furrowed with German and British trenches, right m the ■ Somme battle centre 'north of Bois de Foureaux and south-east of Martlnpuich'. Grardel, 10 rua Saint-Louis, Amiens. Some boodle-bug after quick returns. Note the inducement: "Furrowed with German and British trenches." The ghouls. • ' • • Historians will look back on the year 1917 and say that it was the longest m the history of chronology — that is. If the " *Douffh'mlnion" is to be believed. "Critic" shudders to think of what hte meat and milk bill will be. But, of course, the month's *»crew will be worth carrying homo and that will be some consolation. Wellington Racing Club. Summer Meeting. 220 th January, 1917. As the acceptances close on January 12, Stoomer and Mugsworthy will, have ample tlmo to get lit for the Punter's Stakes by the 219 th of the month. • • • At last wo know the cause of Russia's weakness and of German success m the East. The "Now Zealand Times" of Last Saturday makes it perfectly clear: The Russians, with bared breast, had fought for two years and a half with Inferior guns, insufficient trifles and Inadequate supplies. We had a vague suspicion that "inferior guns" and "Inadequate supplies" had a lot to do with the Russian's inability to stem the Germ-Hun tide rolling eastward. But those "Insufficient trifles" doubtless were the last straw that broke the camel's back — though m this Instance the camel was a bear. What a bull. ■ • • The "Ulster Sentinel" says, In reporting the trial of a farmer for arson: Ho had set flro to a neighbor's cowshed, burning twenty cows to death, with whom ho had hnd a quarrel after drinking together on market day. Then, Mr. Slow, the magistrate. In pronouncing sentence, Is reported to havo said that thfl law wouldn't allow him to bo a» severe- us he would havo liked to bo. for, eald he: The man who would maliciously burn twenty cowa ought to bo kicked to death by a donkey. In fact, I'd like to do it myself. Which, "Critlo" opines, would be a case of Slow, but Hure. • * • Recently ono of the select clubs of Noo Yawk discussed the question of larK« famlUoH. Mrs. T. W. Dlgorry, whose husband's fortuno runH over the seven figures, said: Tho rich ennnot afford to raise largo famJIIoK, bocfttiso or dm increuKlmf burden of tnx<>K which w« have to pay to provide H<:hoo!« and ]>l:iyicrouudß for tho children of the pix.tr. Yot a picture of this 'nughty rtaroo shows her flnjiors covered with rlnjta on which sparkle Jcwol*. vijUhhl probably nt many thouwandH, and' which would huve provided comfortable school*, hoinex and modern conveniences* for many hundred* of little tot*. It la really too bud tlmt Mtk. Bbrorry and her cln»« Hhoukl be »o burdened with iax*s <o r*ed nnd clothti th«s pour. Hut if i ho working plan*--tins futhftr,*". mothers, brothers ami i»istcr« of ihcM<? H'.tma poor children— -won* 19 rrfurto tv !ot>K*r toll tvr th« support of ilmv-o f.ocl«»ty (lame* und Uicir i Jciluin^x In jdlonwut and luxury, Ulirorry, wimldn't thi«ro b* «om« ToV'?J

The modern miss will snare a swain, Nor question his stupidity; If he has cash her end she'll gain Through Cupid her cupidity. > • • . ■' • • The "Cambridge News" puts it this way: • Sir Shackleton Saves His Men. This shows us, despite the late* Oscar Wilde's assertion to the contrary, "the , unimportance of being Ernest." . '■ .-• \ • ♦ The Dunedln "Star" tells us .that: The congregation of { Knox Church, Invercargill, are taking: out a policy of £500 oh the life of their minister, the Rev. Hector McLean, who is joining the 22nd Reinforce-: ments as a private. Scots again. Looking after the. baw-, bees whatever happens. ' . • ' . " • . . : ; • An advertiser m the "Grey River Argus" Is made to declare that: The Plunket hygenic pram .... Built to the approval o leading doctors . . . are as easy as a mammock. i If that advertiser takes it out of the corap. the poor type-tosser won't know for quite a while how pleasant it is to rest "as easy as a mammock" even without the aid of a "Hygenic- pram. • ■ , • .■*•-■■ After he proposed to her, the poetical young thing wrote: Oh, for some new coined name by which to call him. Some name that yet on every / tongue shall live; . A namp that like my love "would cc enthrall him, . Oh, for some name no other lips could give. ,■ \ .A Then she married him and now she's content to call him Old Beeswax. • • • An ad. from tho "Taranakl Dally News" reads: The person who took the turkey gobbler from my place can have the hen on condition that ho raises turkey chickens for the wounded, soldiers at the front — A. Cole, Carrlngton-road, d.n. From what "Critic" knowa of tho Xraas appetites of the Taranakl people he would say that the gobbler had been boiled and gobbled ero the printer*a ink was dry. This proverb is old, and with turkeya unmatched, Tou can't count on feathers with chickens unhatched. • • • "Jtf.A. (Oxon)," writes a work on spiritualism. He Bays: Tho dead are living a natural life m a natural world. That seems an unnatural thing for the dead to do. If the dead keep on living at that rate the world will floon /be overcrowded. Puts "Critic" In mind of a case where a bogus raiser of tho dead purported to write messages from the defunct. In a police court case subsequent on a stance a mossago was produced which had been written on the back of an order given to a local publican asking for a bottle of ryejuice. "Ah," sold tho presiding tnagis- j trato, "I see this was a spirit message before it came to the seance." • • • i "A Neutral Prophet" has written a book on "The Future War," m which, referring to Russia and Britain, h« says: Those two foundation stones of tho Quadruple Entente aro rushing towards tbo ruin that will smite them on tho Achilles Heel. Yes, that or summat worso will happen *om If they don't watch out. "Critic" wouldn't be surprised if some of their enemies do not fool tho smell of their tracks, and aa soon as they; cutch. sight of the awful din they aro j kicking up, tako hold of tbo big Btlck I and nip it m tho bud, tho whole thing coming: on them ilko a bolt from the blue that will leave them with such a j floft m tho lug as wDI blast their crazy j barque into a water-logged wreck thrown high and dry upon tho desert sands. • • • The doggerel bardic of tho London "Daily Chronicle* must be a member of tho poetical 1.W.W.. or some nimJlnr society that bcliovc» m tho "go } slow" policy., for it has takwi him from } tlio <lh of August, 19H, up to November 2, 1916, to ovolvo tho follow tog j rhyme on the obvious play upon the i \von\n "wavoa" and "waives" and ! "rules." j SUBMARINE KRIGHTKULNESS. j According to her light behave* ! l£ach pupil In ISuropu'M »ehootn; j Thus while Britannia rulwt tho ) w;ive«, ! G<jrmanla waive* the rule*. ■ Something like two yearn ago, as our j readers may remember. -Critic" put it | thin wny: ■ IMHATK liULU LOQUITUR. • On, on with rho blockade, Ix-avo not a Mbip at sen, j Till Hrltonn aro all made ■ To bon«l the knee to mo; j Though ncwral# find their grave*, ! Know this, ye baao-born foolH, j That thouirh 1 may not rul« tho ' wov«», 1 'Tit mine to waive th« rulo«. ' N«w 2<>aland -Orst «t»raJnl I

The Noo Yawk "Times" tells us that: . General Carranza has prohibited bull fighting m Mexico. That news item hasn't any string to it for- hyphen-hated .'Murkana. If the> New York "Times" wants to please its-Hun-'Murkans readers it will have to. persuade John Bull from fighting m Europe. . « ♦ „ *• A writer In the "Literary Supplement" of the London "Times" says: One may hope that there will be '' no militarists when the war is over. Sounds something like hoping to be Rble to lock the stable door even, though the horse is stolen. The pity is that the militarists were so much In evidence before the war started and bo powerful as to get it agoing. .'■-.■• • ' ■ ' ♦ It was during the Gallopoll mistake. * The fighting and weather was hot. All the men were compelled to wear cholera belts, which Tommy Atklna facetiously called "the dado round the dining room." Private Plttem ' wd3 digging up the Oriental soil m a way that would h^ave "done credit to a steam navvy; also, the bosom of his trousers was — or, rather, was not there. "I say, my man," said a supercilious offlcah. "you ought to get a new uniform. Don't you think you ought not to go around m trousers like that?" "Oh, I don't know," said Bllzac. "If it's the proper thing to wear a dado round my dining-room, I don't see why I shouldn't have a 'frelze' round my sitting-room, if I want to:" • •• • One morning the local constable of a country town not 100 miles from Inverearglll, on going outside after breakfast was surprised, to find a young pig loektfd up" "and sleeping peacefully In his usually empty "sty." The 'limb of the law" did not advertise his find, but, instead, fattened up ' the pig for some weeks until it was m fine trim for killing. Christmas time came round* and, as no one had come forward to claim Mr. Porker, the John 'Op let it get wind that he intended to make bacon of the Irish /canary on a certain day. But pigs, they say, can see the "wind," and on the arrival of the morning of the fatal day the peeler found piggy wasn't to be found. He had vanished m the night as mysteriously as he had arrived, though considerably heavier, and much more to be desired by any hungry person, policeman or another. There was no official report of piggy breaking prison, but whether it was because the bobby couldn't moderate his language sufficiently, or because of some more cogent reason history deponeth not. '• 9 * • Grnyson, the ex-M.P. for Coino Valley, was always given to spouting hfs supposed virtues from the housetops. Having reachod the end of a very "fankled" tether In New Zealand he has enlisted, and thus tykes all and sundry Into his confidence: I am a Socialist, mid will wear tho uniform of a warrior with good logic and a bright spirit. I hate war and I hato killing:. Yet if I account for one of the vassals of the world's mad dog I shall "have done my bit" towards tho world's regeneration. Brave words, ray master, but n little too belated to carry much conviction .with., thorn. Victor ought to remember thnt his particular uniform ia not the uniform of a warrior — not yet. And as for his doing his " 'bit' towards the world's regeneration," it is as well for him to remember that ho has given tho Hun two and a-half years' start doing "his" bit towards Its degeneration. Verily, Victor has a lot of leeway to make up and Ciormun trenches uro not so easily taken as the hearts of impressionable maidens wore during tho days ho sported M.P. after his name. .* * * "Robin Blochatrn" writes: "Oritlo** likes to ha'o his bit "baur" at tho expense o' the Scots, but Btil!-an-on, I forlie. gin uo' the roel Mackle, ho'n goy aib. Therefore I venturo to send him the following lilt on ao Scot wham •' tho warl' honors. Ho was born on tfc* 25th Jan'wur, 1769. PRINCE AND PEASANT. A LIU for "Tho Twenty-Fifth.** iLanffHyne upo' a simmer day, | A Kinir hnd goto an heir; An' lalrdrt an* todies, irlejr an' gay, Brocht han««l,t rich an' rare; An' Baroft« >prood frn«? owrn the maio Wcro brocht tho "Prince" to oop— King, Prloco an' Court art lanfaynt gone. An' lost to memorle. When Jan'wur win's blew bleak Uu-ough Ayr, In a. weo cot no morn, Some iwa-tbreo nelbora ffalihort wer» To ««o a wean new-born. It dldna 'witch the warl'« ear, 'Twau but a p«uhuu'« birth— Noo, that woan's numo frao year t© yoar, O&nra clrclin' roun' the earth, Tho Prince, who*© llfo did ihuo begin 'Mong ploy« whilk tnnun hu\> dtravod, Soroo dou't eln th<m> w«ro «le a ano, Bomo rtweor he never lo«?v«.,t. Th« Balm, born J' that bm-an-bon, 'Man* c&ultl an* cronreueh car©— VThA «a* unbl«ai &» no' to ken Tb« DalthltoM B*rt o' Ayrt