The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 602, 30 December 1916, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted brave th« CritW» moo, Or noi« unmovtd hl« montkm m th« Critic's page, Parade hi* error In th* public my, |\ And Moth^- GrwKr/s rao« d<fyf

A Happy New Tear to You. • • • B*or Nlneteon-scventcen Bball wane, May our bravo doyb bo homo again. • • • A beehive la a beo holder and a beholder la a spectator, and a specked 'tater is a rotten spud. • • • The cable -cobbler** boon emphasisIng ii acaln: Lord Robert Cecil said that there are a number of unaalivritd vicucoriauLs who aro unsalarled. That's It; make suro you give them all l hoy are worth.

Runs the plurry rejriroeiit — tb* laacecorporal. • • • Walking-stick; sanudre on upp*r Up — a subaltern. • • • A message from Berlin says; Germans open Ghent University. There will bo cbuaea on International Law and the Humanlti**, p*rh»p«. • • • In one of the Rotorua baths there is this sign; "VlflUori* are not allowed to use soap In this bath." 80 mo was boa written under the notico; "Abandon soap all ye who enter here." • • • '.There has been a strike In the Edison Phonograph Work*, which the Noo Yawk "Tribune" declares Is: Without a parallel. Broke all records, maybe. More direct action! • * • "C'urloua" asks If ih*re wju "a book published bearing the title of 'The Rt»d Horlton' before Pat McGIH published hla book with that name on the war?" There was. Mi«*« Kvaj>g:«Hne Hyves author of "Erebus." published a volume ot pocmn undor thai till« as re«*ntly as 1913. i • * • ' One of the r«r|ful«ilm»-* of the dry (district c«»tnt»*l»* l ' |r >«tr«HluO"r of uny i w«»i Koofj« to lab«'l hi* luuh m HiH-h « .manner that the "John itepUlnatwi" I will know tbut U I* ii ps»JVi?l of itttoxi- ! I«-4«5. Th" other day »n old chap vraa ! found nnurin^ p<suc««fiiliy at the r«>;ir %>t ! lhv« MoNtvrt«^ l?uihv«y fttuU-m «nd. on " hi.H back w«j» B prints! Ititwl 1 tttriug m '] larcff lrtt<T3t 11$^ liisn. "TlHw imret)) . ro;ttasna Hquor." The humor or Utvp> , pcrviSlo ix i, ":UiU* *Jry."

He Is a wlae man who knows the origin of his Christinas turkey. v■ • • "Cold cash" is tbo up-to-date recipe for Urn» cure for "chill p*nury." • • • A la*y doff and an inclined plain Are vary much sllko, you know; For an Incline & slope up must remain, And the alow pup a lazy do* will prow. • • • There tiro somo people, even at this day. who. when thuy apeak of the most distressful country, se«m to think that the Irish people live sololy upon potatoes and dress thamsolves with the skins. • • • Truly the London "Times" win be retting boycotted m classy circles if it j allows many more advortu. liko the fol. lowing to creep into Its columns: An Openlnr offers for a Gentleman or Public School niun. How are the roltey fallen.' And the Public School man was wont to be so much of a treaUeaian, too! • • • Henry Ford, the miniature mo-far maker and would-be peacemaker, nays: Every woman employed by our company Beta a man'tt pay. "Critic" knows a woman not employed : by UnnrySt company, who "Kot« a ] ttt&n'a pa.y," *»4 »w©»ra ii*» too lUtlrt j these tlmeo. | | An Auckland raun visiting Welling* < ton went back und told lib? tuwnl<>« j thai the wind In the Kmplre City was j to strong thru it Uft*4 tb« very mort- I eagea off the heujta*. "Critic" fun- j dan that » tat of people In th* Qu«*n i City ar« praying' hard for that wind j to come north and duty th*re, • • • From the "Kumara Times." by lut ■ Hibernian reporter: ' The Mayor **ld any grant would j j t*«? an extraordinary supply, which ' rould b*t discontinued if water *'»« I n«t vwailAbltt. I •"KsjrAiJiJiiJnury": If ib<jra was u«t «u»y ; .wfttvr to t>4* Ijad th«y would &i>aoiut*ly | ri»rua« u> Kivo th«ifli Any. j

In spit© of the wax some goods. still being: 'made m Germany are being sent to Britain to get finished. • Zepps, for instance. • • • , Berlin during the last month has eaten moro flsh than flesh. Now "Critic" understands the whence-ness of the peace movement. Pish is a brain food. The Germ Huns are boginning to think. . • • • A contemporary says: The guard, banging the door alter me with one hand, blew hto .;' whistle with the other. That's what one mJUtfit call a "blow with the flst,"avic! , • • ' • '■ ■ A Strathpeffer Scotsbyterlan preacher says: . ; There Is no language In which ministers can address the Deity as m Gaelic, which- seems to havo a heavenllness arid fellowship with; the Lord. Will Kaiser. Wllhelm please note, and shut up or learn the Gaelic! > .• ' ■ .•■ ''■•.. Stofanson, the famous explorer, said m a message dispatched some months ago: I will not^return to civilisation this year. * If the world war continues much longer, come back whon he will he'll find a dtftlculty In returning to "civilisation." • ' • ' • . ■ .'■■'. Tho London "Nation" is very;, pernlcketty and precise In its choice of phrases. The other day It screwed Its couratro up to the sticking point and declared: ' The air of politics ia thoroughly agitated. ' ■".-.■ 4 ./ - ;'• / : :.-. .■•:■;' " . •• - 'Affitated,' bo b-b-blowed." say» BUI--jlm. "It's blanky weU vitiatedl" • • • The London Times" says: At a meeting for all women, when no men were present, the Bishop of London was the speaker. "All women"? and "no men"? Why, "Old Thunderer" won't give tho Bishop a chanco even to como under the heading of Edward Carpenter's "Intermediate Sex." Is this but a covert way of coiling the Bishop an "old woman?" • • • Even such a literary authority as ll ol brook Jackson falls Into the error m i "To-day," of writing: j When Greek: "moots" Greek then comes, otc. Tho proper wording Is "When Greok 'joins' Greek." But as them doesn't seem any probability of Greek joining Greek just yet awhile, the promised tuff-o'-w&r inasvbo indefinitely postponed. • • • He sat opposite "Critic" m the train from Palmerston North, and gazed at the ticket collector with a glassy eye. "Ticket, please!" said that polite official. Tve nao Uck-hfc-et," said tho Scot, wbo had been Indulging overmuch In the national beverage "Come away, come away!" said tho lad la uniform; "give me your ticket." "I've nao ticket," retorted the Scot with vine leaves In his hair. "I've telt ye that afore. Are yo deef?" The ticket collector took out ota book, scribbled something m It with a pencil; tore out the pagu written on. and, fixing tbe Bacchanal brother, with his gimlet eye, ho aald, "Seven and three." Tbo ov«rrtpo roomer thought a minute and then, with an air of an arithmetical wonder, cried, Ten I That's an easy an«l" • .« ft. -Critic" picked up a copy of Burns, published by the well-known London publisher, John Pick*, In which he found Home new reading* of tho old text. In "Turn O'Shaater" he found tho line: Ttun SkolpK on through mud and mire. And this was matched by the following from Tbo Cotter's Saturday Nlnhi": While Jenny Haffllna Is afraid to speak. Tarn SkeJpU" and "Jenny Moffllna"! At last «o know the family names of the#o two worthies, but It won too bad of tturtm to leave It to a Cockney to discover them. There are a "whe«n" malr "new" reading* of which the following U about the best: j Wake the boaom -smelting throe I "Critic" knew Burns wu somewhat ! vf»nn a* » lover, but "«meUlng" la over I tite odds: • • ♦ ! TUB LAND AGENTS REAL-LUCS- } ATI ON. j j Tho agent ho \\u» full of vim (or iom« I (rood brand of whtaky), I Ha »pok«t with acct-nui and aHm— • ho ahowed mo round quite frlnky; i \Ud jn«a«ar«<l up i»^r c«ntae«« Hk<s on* vtUu'd got my tn&uiure. jUm "KKAI.IHK on what you've got," ) tt-w hhs atock verbal tr^wuiuro, : I Tho firoi»twet *e*m#d &dorfl«4 wtth | •' ea*h: I bought to make a profit, j j But oil MY "j>ro»jH;cu" looked aflkonw j —my bargaJn (?>, th*y did «Coff It. j The ihMiKt so 4o worv \ary f*w (1 paid ; lh« rtdvrrtSi»»m^nt^, t Id AdverU^PiJ find f u<»iw*d ju«t what ] HIM "rs*J-U»*" m«»nt,

At a picture show -where a reel deal* ins with the "Black Order" was being? screened, one of the scenes shown bora the cryptic legend: Urn Parl Hum. Why not put It plain "H'm plurry stink!" • ■*■ ♦ ♦ • Fiji is going to strife Hans a bit. This is the sugar country's idea of doing Hans a bad turn: Levuka's Supreme, Effort. ,'.■ Every unit, ixuin, woman and child can do eooietoinff. Then they let the oat out or the bag thus: i A Jumble Sale la to bo hold. At"* which the "unit," the man, the woman * and > the child are (no doubt) expected, to be present;. Just whother the unit, apart from thd man, woman and fchild, la the nigger or tho nigger's dog does not show on the programme. • ■ • : •• • • A poor dovil , blow his head olt up •Auckland way tho other day, and because there was a shortage of about two shillings In his funds, the corpso was left unburied till, us the poet puts Jt, ,it began to "pour forth its protest to k tho very heavens." Tho Waluku\ "Times" says: ■ Tho hitch was overcome by tho ;■ Hospital Board's payment o£ &% ' 10s to tho undertaker being bupplemented by the sum of 17s 9d that- had formed the monetary contents of the deceased's pockets. Ah, pray for mo, a headless thing, ox* poaed to earth and sky; No pity for the cashless corpse, no red or tear-stained eye, For it should earn its burial fee ere it eet out to die. Death came a- hunting silently, then sang his doleful mort; I was tho game the huntsman found foul, without resort I lie,, a ghastly unhid thing, because I'm two bob short. / • • t A THOUGHT. A Thought formed m tho mind of man. As he tolled hard for bread; He whispered It among the clan. And, so, from tongue to tonguo It ran. When those for whom tho peoplo moiled, Heard what the man had said; They vowed Its purpose should bo foiled f That MANY for BOMB had always tolled. Tboy told hi* friends that Thought insano Boded for them but UJ: The man was by his comrades el&ln — Their masters breathed content again. But sllont and unseen that Thought 'Monjf men persisted still: Slaves grumbled ar their bitter lot. And scouted truths tho Preachers taught. The Givers of the Laws, In ire, Then tied It to the stake: But. though Priests blessed Ita funeral pyre, The Thought escaped consuming flxo* In anger onco again they caroo Their hellish hate to slake; Who think that Thought, they brand with shamo; . Priests ' curved them In Jehovah'i Name. ( ; They locked Tt deep In dungeon dark. They drowned It m tho tldo; They fed It to the ravenous •bark; They crucluad It, stiff and stark ! But though IU thinker? thoy might kill. To shame alt Power and Pride, Prison and pyre wrought It no ill; That Thought, deoplto thorn, triumphed ■ML Llko Pnoonlx from its Mho*, bold It roue on pinions strong; And. as tho seed trod' In the mould. It grew ia numbers manifold. •Twns watted on ttio wlndi of hoavoo:' Men faint with suffering lenir, Revived an with a hopo now-given, And cords that chafwu wen rent and riven . And some m mental bondage bound Received from It new light; I And, though with error all «urroun<J. jConfeaa the Truth ttuH ibey ltavo { faund. \ ; They proach the Coming of that Day { When man no man nw*l Ofiht; jThey «p«ok the Thought tout WILL havo way, XlaedloM of Statute*' "Y*C or "Nay!" And thi« tbe Truth that toiler tnoufbt I In thai dark, ancient lima: All Tyrvnny must come to naught ; {Man U but Man. wh&ie'er his lot. jAnd Prl&*i« who »rau» of P&radtjto I toy rot*. tu» 'tw«r« a rhyme, j Th9tas&W*p an lured by cunning lioa. I Or prom by their eophl«irio«. I ... .--:^ But though one God or many be. • Thin t« of erlmw the erlm«: That Man to Man should bend the kn«e. WbmtL an ha WELL, h* may b« trptf