The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 600, 16 December 1916, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention In the Critic's page. Parade his error In th© public eye. And Mother Grundy's rage defy? Don't buy your latest — tut-tut — lady love a pair of garters, oven though they aro beautifully ornamented and have lovely stiver buckles. You're not supposed to know sho has anything to put them on. • » • Owing to tho growing scarcity of men since tho outbreak of war, a cynic says that: Old maids rush In where widows fear to tread. A certain bachelor of "Critic's" acquaintance says it is t'other way round. •-* . • The Noo Yawk "Sun" announces per headlines: Uncle Sam starts .boycott on business concerns which ore mem- . bers of trusts. But what bally right has Uncle "Sham" to do slch a thing?, Has he asked tho permission of the U.S. Supremo Court? • • • Tho London "Evening Standard* aays: If the situation on the Somme Is satisfactory, so also is th* situation on tho Spree. True. Berlin Is on tho spree Just now, but what a headache is lv store for hjer when sho sobers up. ! ••' . • Masterton youths, says the Walra'pa "Rage," have been making from three to four shillings a day collecting vinogar bottles from public reserves and prlvato houses. It is remarkable' how j much vinegar 13 consumed In Drytown. ! Vet "Critic" fancies It must be true. ; for on mentioning Ma ~d00l8" 10 a lady I from Masterton, tho vinegar lmmedl- j ately showed m her face! j •'Critic" clips from a etory In "Home ' Chat" the following realistic passage: \ She heard him blowing his nose ! on the htil) mnt. and she understood j the m«jor sunVl«?Mly to know that It portended aomstblng. Jt probably portended that he had for- i gotten h!i» handkerchief, but, nevenho* ] leas, tt was most ungenvlcmanly of him. ] ••' • j From the "Ekauhuna Express" we I learn that: j The children were pupils of the | To Aral school, and were named i Rem Johnston, aged f*2 years, j Horlana Turangl. 9 yoara and Pal- f rua. Stf year*. j "Some" child, Rem! Quite a precocious ; pupil at the early atre of it. One won- 1 de?» what age will she be when she I Is a great-irrajsdrootber! j

A lady assures a correspondent of a daily contemporary that she has but lo press a tooth-brush against the roof of her mouth for a headache to "disappear." And those visible headaches are so annoying! «» • . A London Magistrate SaYS that if Ananias lived m theso days he wouldn't have died. Which, "Critic" admits, goes "without saying. Probably what tho "beak" meant was that so few people tell the truth that Ananias scarcely would have been worth noticing as a Uar. • '..'. • ■ • The "Publisher's Circular" * announces: A Life of William Shakespeare. "A" life! Then did William emulate the cat? Probably that's why he's so often referred to as the Immortal. Dr. H. W. Richardson, writing m "How to Keep Well," says: Tho moro you sing the healthier ' you wUI be. Ugha! "Critic" guesses It will then be tho neighbors' turn to be 111. • . . * .- • The following advert, is from our morning contemporary: Wanted, woman to wash every alternate Monday. That will be the "black" Mondays, which have a habit of following tho "blind" Saturdays. • . • ' • ■ According to tho Glasgow "Herald": Lord Lovat wants the young ladies m tho Fort-Agtistus district not to dance with any young man ■who does not wear the kilt. But what about the poor little "wrlg" whose nether limbs aro built so em- ; phaticaUy on antl-Sandow lines that Its lady love wouldn't Lovat m a kilt? .-. •:■■■■• ... •.'•■'.• •, • Ah auVerttser th"the '-fivenTrig Post" has It: Wantod to Buy, a boat, about 14ft, double ended. Particulars and price to Fish. A queer Fish that. Did you ever see a boat that was built without two ends? Perluips he Is right and all boats have but ono end, for many a thing that la begun O.K. onds m D.K. EPITAPH OX A DEAD FRIEND. A loving, faithful friend, long tried and true. N Is sleeping hero, 'neath this memorial mound; When sick and poor, of all tho friends I knew But he remained, my guide and comfort, too. A model man? Ah, no; ho was my hound! • • • Under the heading. "Skimmings," the "New Zealand Farmer" has tho following: La« season the Ngaire Cooperative Factory turned out over 300 boxes of whey butter, representing something over £2000 sterling, j If that is merely a skimming, "Critic" j would like to know what the cream is like. • . • • Richard Lc QalUanne, the English poet, now domiciled m the land of j Uncle "Sham," In his story, "The Girl | m the Yellow Petticoat," says: The hero made his way out of the square, not notiolng the look of passionate devotion that followed him till he was out of sight. What a slow cuss ho must have been i not to notice It till then, and how clover of him to notice it when "he waa out of sight!" • * • An ex-bricklayer, over seventy years of age was brought up before ft London Magistrate charged with begging. With tears In his eyes, the old man said: Nobody gave me anything, so how could I b© beggrln^-. <Langh« ter.) IJtad been hours blowing my whistle for nothing, and a man that blows a whistle is following an honest trade, as you ore now. (Loud laughter.) I cannot do bricklaying now, I am paralysed. As he closed his pathetic appeal the old mini hold up a withered, twisted hand. And the court laughed! And yet certain scoffers a«»ert that the Kngltsh have no ijen»e of humor. ' * I Tho cultured and 'erudite- "N*,Z. Times" In U'vltis to lltfhten >iml \ brighten th«> drab and dl*»r.:U side ot \ city life/ by giving a learned liu-niry \ touch to iv« police court *tunu<. ?■<•- ■ porting a r«ee»t case It martvd m»l j In thl» way: Benjamin Kdo and Thomas Prld- i more, who. having indulged In lh» j inordinate cup cursed by Camdo. had their combative propensities ! aroused. The which, being Interpreted. In tho common *la«gy*g« of '•Oinjw Mick*"* meaneth, that ibe two *My ceota got j "ehlklcered" and started m to ftlouah j each other after K&fferty rulw. It I* to he hojx-d that m future ftesnle will Ede tho Rtltlce glvPtt him by the B«&k, wbtia Thema* will li*l4» Prldmore . m keeping sober thun m s»tting ttot»lVd.

The Kawakawa "Luminary" whispers m large caps: MINNIE IS, EXPERIMENTED ON By Andre Licbtonberger. Lucky Andre! But what If after all It should turn out that Minnie , had experimented on Llchtenbergrer? • - » •. -1* It is said that after the war, m order to keep the German waiter outside of British hotels and restaurants, each year a number of young Engllslimen are to go to Paris to be specially trained for that profession. So our boys arc dying to sava France In order that Paris may be utilised for tho transforming of Britons Into flunkies and sausage tossers. » • • A Napier shopkeeper has this sign m his window: These pipes sold at the samo prlco As before not with standing tho war. What it is that ho has been standing is not disclosed, not with standing the fact that other people would like to bo let Into tho secret A 'Murken exchange informs us that: Tho steamer Hanalei, passing "between San Francisco and San Pedro, has thrice m two weeks been escorted by a big fish from Point Sur to within a few miles of San Francisco. Can tho scheming Yankees have bribed our own Felorous Jack to desert good old New Zealand? • '•';...• Scots m the land o* cakes are In the habit of sending consignments of heather to their friends In this land o' quakes In time for the celebration of St. Andtu's Day. This the Dunedin "Star" wont out of Its way to insult its Doric readers by describing as The Heathen Mission. The heather, Scots and St Andra— heathen! St Andra 's other name, "Critic" believes, is Carnegie. • • • Spoaklng of the next election and cer. J tain members of tho House of Com- i mons, a correspondent of tho London j "Times" says: I They can be kicked out and there are <plenty of workmen In the country who aro ready to lend a hand at tho kicking. Lend a "hand" «t the kicking? But wouldn't a foot In a heavy boot be a better "sign manual" In such ail cniur* ganey? • • • The law of "propputy" and the inheritance of th* earth has evidently made Itself felt m the far North. An advertiser In the "North of Auckland Tlmea" announces: Anyone found trespassing or gumdigging on Section 13 and known as "Starlight" will be prosecuted without any respect to persons. Man Is getting to be pretty well rostirleted w when he la debarred from gumdigging In tho Starlight "without any respect to persons," Perhaps they have Introduced the Starlight Saving Bill m tbo gumdigging. greasy north. • • • The inhabitants of Lovuka. evidently possess no dog-catcher. Says tho. local paper: Tho dog nuisance Is becoming a serious proposition In Levuka— dogs of every grade are running about our highways and byways, some collared, many coliarleas. Someone suggests the MfOCtlOn Of the "kararehe" with a certain disease which wiped out tho Suvan canine some time ago. Dog catchers and destructors nre matters too far m advance of the Ule of palm and palm oil. In old Noo Zee a different meeuna In yewsually follwed. For when a tike is coliarleas he's yewsually "collared." • * t Old Moore, of "Old Moore'a Almanac." Is some prognosllcator. In his January (191?) predictions he tells us that there will be destruction of towns, I vesaels, and trains and advises everyI one to look out for shindies. In his ! December (131 1) stuff Jack Bull takes off hh» pulti^p. Paddy Q'Klynn Is *«"*hV» lng his eaubeen on what appears to ho a Gorman uausage or a black thorn rolling pin and tho sun is rising on the Jtnrald QlsJe. But the "New ZealandTime*." as n prognostJcator. makes Old Moore no more Interesting than a wowser's waistcoat. Here It la: Mr, Clement Wraggrt ha* prepared a Apeelai weather forecast tor the y«air t>U7. «*;.>?, clotty referrirur m all coastal district b«. tween litat Cape and Cape Colvllle, ills opinion U that the year will prove distinctly good, particularly* In the matter of rainfall. Old Moore may be able to tell us that Bad BIH will -haul down hi* color* j n Augum next, or that John Smith, of England, will So** hi* bull dog tn May, but a soothsayer who caa uu you whether to plant apples or epuds, whether H la wl#e or otherwise to buy atore t&UUs to eat down the htavy er»m on account of the prolific neaaon T^oo yean* hence licks Elijah and all other Biblical fuslltera into * dish WragK*.

A RUBAIYAT OF WAR REGULATIONS. Dreaming, when Dusk's deft hand had veiled the sky. I heaTd the barmaid from the beerpump cry, "Each man must pay for his own purge, you know! Two j)laln-clothos slops aro witching on the sly." 1, •' ' • • Headline from the London "Dally News": ~ Bomb Plotter m New York Escapes through a Subterfuge. Incredible! Now, had it been through a "door," or a -"window," or even a subtcranncan passage— but a subterfuge? Fudge! *,- •'.■• - • The Poverty Bay "Herald" tolls Ha .pinny full of readers that: Mr. MacNamara, In the House of Commons, stated that tho Admiralty had nothing further to add With regard to the Channol raid, and that nobody had beon censored. No, not even tho "Poverty Bay Herald"! It was Anarharsls, the Scythian, who defined a market-placo as A place marked out for tho purpose of carrying on tho business of cheating. In spite of centuries' of Christian preaching and profession, the marketplace doesn t seem to have perceptibly changed. • • • Tho "Manawatu Dally Times" says that In the Oroua Stakes: Interlude and Blsogno were tho leaders at two furlongs, but headed by Tina Atua. Rlmmor's Cash Store, The Square, who led Into the straight Although, the scribo forgot to tell us which or tho trinity won, "CVltlc" hazards a guess that Rlmmor's Cash Store got Into the money. "Sotnu" storo, Rlmmer'a! ••• ' ■ The positive '"Spllf-Post" said In ita literary notes t'other night: The woman novelist can never get away front the fact that she is a woman, although there may bo Instances where she has tried. Therefore, she cannot write as a man would, and her readers, men as woli as women, woulA not thank her for trying. Tot a Scots lady, whom "Critic" knew when sho was a working housemaid at £ IS per annum, has issued over a doaen successful volumes under a male norn de plume, ono of which, not so long ago, was reviewed and highly-praised by the "Post" without the slightest suspicion that "he" waa a "she." • • • DISILLUSIONED. How coyly Flo looked when I asked If sho painted? Saying, "Oh, I'm/no artist, although I admit With dabbling a bit my fingers are tainted — All young ladles, now-a-days, 'color a bit' " • I took from her words quite a different meaning, For now that we're married it gives me much pain. To And thoao peach cheeks have their beauty been feigning, And otter hor bath #V< "re-touch-ing" again. When her pearl -like teeth I praised In my gladness, Why ano laughed bo witohlngly, 1 couldn't then toll; As she vowed If she lost them 'twould drive her to madness, They wero bo "dear" and thoy suited her well. The first night 1 saw my darling undressing. And press out her teeth, I shall never forget, Smiling and Baying, "To loss them were distressing. Love, were they not •door' at tan guineas a set?" That sweet auburn hair that I shrank so from harming, When I oaked her to cut me a lock from her head; But she naively replied, with a look that was charming: "I'll give you It all, dear, when onco wo aro wed." She's been true to her word, for each night since united. She goer* to bed flr*t and hands me out her hair: Saying, "Harry, old cock, I'M be Just delighted. If you*Jl hanjr my—Ahem — o'er the back of the chair!" I told b<u* although aba waa queen of all women, Hen-p*cked I never would submit t< be: She aa*<ml*d, but now, most callous, inhuman. It the treatment she dally dishes to mo. She says I must have thought h«>r a softy If 1 dreamt she'd b» housekeeper, cook, maid and nurseShe now march©* round with an air proud and lofty— Bot sh* pay* an the bills— for *h« oarrio* the purse.