The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 584, 26 August 1916, Page 1

The Critic

— <• ■ " ' ■ — — — — — i Who can undaunted brave th« Critic's rage, Or note unmovod hi* mention m tht Critic's pag«, Parade his error m tho public eye, lV And Mother Grtmdy'a raao defy? J

Qetting fat: Buying lard. • • • An exacting measure of value: The Golden Rule. • • • The matrimonial stakes always result m a "tie." •, • * The beßt way to quieten your young hopeful when he cries for a stick of candy is to take a Btlck to him. .* • • The sins of the rich and great are mistakes and. errors; those of the poor nnd lowly are vices and crimes. • • • Somewhere I have read, And I thought it quite funny: "Tho fool, it is said, Soon parts with hlB money." But, then, though a fool, Ho had it to start with; While I. as a rule, Ne'er have money to part with. • • • The " 'Dough- minion," on reprinting a verselet from a London paper, headed it: To a Skylark Behind the Trenches. "Behind?" "Critic" understands things are a bit "high" "behlud the trenches," but not sufficiently elevated for larks to warble In, unices they be mudlarks. Now. wouldn't " 'Above' the Trenches" have been more correct, more poetical and more sontlmcntal? « • • Tho "Evening Standard" stated that Mr. Juatlco Darling announces that he Intends to «lt tjpecinlly during Vacation to hear vhe causo of Hook v. Rook. "Grille" didn't think it would bo necessary, especially at tho breeding season, to "ult specially" to hear the "caws." One of, our old poetical proverb purveyors sftld: Truo weight and measure J.i Heaven's treaituro. M'yes, and they mtint be treasured m Heaven, for none of our ntorukfepera nor our butchers nor bak«TH wem to bo acquainted with f'.tlur uf them hero. (10 9 Tho "Evening Herald" b» very preclso and particular In it« report of a recent '/Seppelln raid: They appeared to bo rather larger machines than tho.no voicing tho coast on previous occatilona. Measures were taken. "Measures were tak«»n." That's a good Idea. If tho next lot that appear havo their mcoaurca taken aUto, we'll know for certain whether ih«y ar« bijnsr«r or smaller and not have to trust to upp«arance*.

A current commodity: EleotrlcJty. , • ♦ « The weight of. indignation is incalculable. • • • The horse may bo oa noble an animal as ever stepped upon turf, but its no-L-IIUy doesn't count for much when it ha* a nobbled jockey qp iarback. • . * • The "Belfast Newsletter" says that: Among the pictures representing artists showing at the exhibition for the first time, is a painting by a Nowtownard contributor, representing "Death." The picture which is done m oils is life size. And the anti-Home Ilulers would try to cut Ulster out of Ireland! • • • Some headings to our war news read rather funny. "Critic" read m his evening paper on Thursday of last week the flr«t good word for the "slacker" since the war started: Slacker righting on the Western Front. So said the "'SpUf-Post" claquer, But one found on reading his writing. 'Twasn't "Slacker" that was "fighting." But the fighting that was slacker. • • • The very Rev. Dr. A. W. Avorlll, Anglican Bishop of Auckland, has been airing his opinion on pew rents. Ho says: The churches should be free and open. I am no believer In rented ec-atH. Probably not, but what nbout rented houses, "oh; most worthy UJshop? If free Heats to be used once or twice a w«ek will help to make the people better, what prke freer hou»va In which they have to llvo all the week? What with the nxclc-reniß now charged and the Jncreawe In the price of foodstuffs, people scarcely can live, and Rev. Sir. man may live righteously to he can. hut h« iniiKt ftrr.t \\\vi « * • Tho Wflxh nro a wonderful people, tui«! their language <" almost r»> wonderful <*« tln*m««lvo:t. Some \vriten huvi> said that their language Is dylnjr out. but tbla cannot tn* »v lomj on thon* hi "running water by Aberystwylh.'* I'bllhp (MbhK. i ho w»r correspondent, referring to U»<» numerous dfa!octt? ftntl tongue*:* Mtxikfii iilonj* ihi* IJrltMi front. itny» of Welsh: Tin* Wi«!shin«»» »j)*ak llu-lr own lai:^u?:j:«>. Ko** |l tUfM.« no ofllw rt'Cflve.l hla command tin leu* ha fcpo.Vo It ni* f!tir:itly aa running water by Abm'!'< w ythMow "fluently" the "running water by Abcrystwyth" '*ft» talk WVteh, of c<>urot*. only thos« who b*vo hfturd it can *ay.

Not feeling well: Loosing one's sense of touch. . • ♦ • An agricultural authority says this will be a great year for ;the Canadian I thistle. Thistle make the farmer Bwear. ; ■ .-•■- ■ • • Never read between the lines; it is a bad habit and a bit risky: If they j happen. to be tramway lines, the chance of coming to an abrupt Btop is too bally little, of a chance. Not name and nature this time. Professor J. W. Slaughter strongly opposes United States making war on Mexico. He has been exposing the ways of the war party at &eace meetings m New. York. . • • • "Never mind," said the bookie to the rooked . punter, "better luck next time. And after all, old man, it's all for the best!" "No bally fear," said the cleaned-out cove, " 'better luck* don't mean all for the bettor!" ! ■ . ♦ • • The "Glasgow Evening News" informs the keelics o' the Clyde that: In tho Woevre the Germans at- ! tempted on three occasions to cap- ; ture from us an earthquake. Probably with a view of putting It out of business. Who dares attempt to | shake the Earth after Welhelm! I • « v JUSTEM ET TENACEM. In purpose firm ho stands, Heedless though fools defame; I He will :not ' soil his hands, | To meet his foe's demands, Or win tbo crowd's acclaim. ! The mailed flat of Jove I His spirit cannot move, I When once his flag's unfurled; I Though on his fearless head should fall That last calamity of all — The ruins of a crumbling world. News seems to travel slowly In New Zealand. On the 10th Inst., two days after Parliament put jjp the shutters, the Mangaweka "Squeaker" still was unaware of that blessed fact, and so it idiotorlally remarked .re the question of the cost of living: The report of tho Board of Trade on a phase of tho problem contains really definite charges of exploitation and highly Important I recommendations upon which the | concentration of tho House might bo employed with profit. Evidently the House thought that all : tho "profit" had boon snaffled by tho tood-flnoodlers, and so had cleared off i to their homes m order to get their j kitchen gardens .going some, with a view of eking out their own povertyBtricken honorarium*, which thoy ; couldn't have "rla" because of the war. • • ■• | What logic wo get from our lords. ] Thus the ISarl of Meath: j No matter what a man's income, he has no business' to use up the food and sustenance of national life more than is absolutely necessary. ! There's profoundlty for you! He must not. eat more than he ought to, Tho blessed trouble with oarlß, lords and Bern I -kings m. not only that they "do" i line more than they ought to. hut that they won't allow tho man who produces the food to "use" fliifllclent of i it tv keep himself and his kid* m do- j cent health, and when a war comes along, the "standard of physique" has to keep time with the standard of nutriment which the "wasters" (not u&er») have set up.- The trouble with tho cloaa which Mr. Meath-refora to is. that they "waste" and "withhold," more food than they might ever hope tv eat or "use. 1 ' ••• ■ • The power, purpoaofulne«« and prescience of Prussian scientific organisation have not been over-estimated. If what the Leipzig "Neuestd Nuchrlchten" says is true. At the prtHpnt time Saxony* I* without meat and tho people are muttering exceedingly. The dlatreea m partly owing to bad distribution. Saxony, you ace, haan't boon fully Prussianised. 'If the Saxons had adopted the Prussian aclonUflc ny»tem ! of distribution, the fact that there la' no meat to distribute wouldn't bo bo j hard to bear — at least Frits would know that Itana w«« In the winw box as himself, whereas, a* It m. half the Buffering rise* from an uneaay feeling j that while Frit a ha» none, Hans may have uome, and Von Hydit more! • • * For cryatnllUed. calloalflccl. cartilaginous chock, command "Crlilc" to tho crnimL 'Murkan, But the Noo Yaw It "Globe" scribe bounces beyond ihe houndury sure. In speaking of the part played by tho AncACH ni l'oxkres, it enys: The heroic flßhtlnsr of the Anxae« is i»f particular lntorent. because theai* men closely resemble American*. The holdlnsf of ■ J>dxlere« for three d«yn will prove on© of ihe most wonderful tnlea of human endurance. "Critic" lioiK'3 th« AnK.-icn will fe<>l tluly fi«ttorf<l. Cuuhl nny compllmoni be mor« sincere? Ho u««d to b« kiiLitied if It waa »uh\, "He fought Uk* i\ Urlion,". Now, thtx RcribUHna Vnnkeo miyn thsJt thf^ heroic stand made by j the Ahftac* (h of particutitr lniu»"«j*t— why? JU't-aui«*» i« h«*liwil to «ccur« i I»o«i«:*rc!< u«tl ultkM In ihv driv-Jn^ buck of the Hun Ui lilk htir? Xv, «to; thut w,ta ft liitTß incident. Ii U UceuueS thrt*K>- mm cloudy re» M?inbto v\mi<rlca.n*. Wftn «v«r tippr««tailon »o naive Tho Aiisac* uro hero?* b«?c«unt» they »o eJofttcly rwewibls th« people who &ro "too proud to fithU" ,

A great train 'wrecker: A man with big feet m a ball-room. • « • ■■•<>. One can't get anything without taking pains, except poverty. That brings its own pains with it. > The worst whistling bird m the world: The gaol bird. He's often behind a few bars and generally gets on to the wrong key. ' [ " ' • • • A dolt on the Dallas "Dispatch" heads a news paragraph, thus: Socialists to Adopt Revolutions .On Militarism. ♦ Most people wish it were true, only the patriots of each country at war wish the Socialists of the enemy countries to do the "revolutionising." • ' .•• •■•#'. Poultry adverts- aro .generally fowl affairs. The "Evening Post" announces a volume entitled : "How to keep poultry," latest editions, by leading experts. That's all very well, but what the average fowl farmer wants to know is how to moke poultry keep him. Perusing tho "Publishers' Circular" t'other day, "Critic's" eyea nearly jumped out of his head as he saw <m "quid black print" the cheering announcement: "Poultry for Profit": By One Who Did It. Eureka! But his joy was short lived, for looking at the head of the column m which tho above appeared, ho saw it was crowned by the one word "Fiction!" That food is not as plentiful as it might bo m some parts of Germany is evidenced by the following edvert, clipped by "Critic" from the columns of tho "Quiestalboten," m which Hermann Friess proclaims the loss of his wife and laments the loss of his bacon: Notice! My wife, Frau Clara .: Friess,. ha« run away Xcom roe, w|th smoked bacon to the value of If rriarks. At the present time she Is m service m Birllcht,- but I warn all and sundry not to lend the person any money, and I herewith disclaim oil responsibility for any debts she may Incur. As a wife to Friess. Clara, apparently was a bit of a frost, but the loss of that seventeen "bob" worth of bacon at such a time must have been hard to bear! « • • The following Is from tho "Jenny-a'-thlng" columns of the "Evening Post": Wanted to Sell, a Caul. What! Selling one's luck? Then tho Inference is that it has been dagont bad luck. • • • ' A wowserlstlo print t'other day quoted a letter from a /certain "capting" or other hoaslftr at the front m which !lt was stated that tho latest reinforcejments from Britain seemed to havo a large proportion of religious men m their ranks as one often heard the eound of well-known hymn tunes com- ; ing from the particular parts of the I trenches witch "these met occupy." This statement mack- the heart of tho wowser glad, but alas his joy was but transient for Mr. Clifford Knight who 1» himself serving; tv^th tho "new array," writes* Tho men arc particularly fond of setting secular words to well-known hymn tunex with v moro or less happy result. Hie following is very popular down here and is sung to "Aurella": We.- ara Lord Derby's Army, The ragUrao Infantry; We cannot shoot we cannot flght, What bally good are we? And when we get to Berlin Tho Kaiser he will say: "Aoh ! Ach ! Moln Got ! ! ! What a Jolly fine lot Of ragtime infantry!" But what would you? It b» not the first tlmo profn.no words have been sung to v divine air! • •* • Much to tho dlHgust of tho Wallstreet wire-pultors and Yankee blug- [ gooes generally, Mexico has accepted ! tho terms demanded by the Jew-nltod j States and thero will bo no war with Mexico. Now, the pro-war party, han>korins after th© rich lnnda waiting exploitation In the Southern Republic, ; declares that the terms weren't sttfT enough— that la to make war sure. The pro-gore proas is adding fuel to the fire also. Tho "Noo TTawk Trlbuno" reminds 'Murk&n patriots that: The war with Mexico of 1546-MS la still the most glorious m our military annals. The most "tlorlouH!" Now, when ••Critic" was « "kiddle" In his early teens, he hud the honor of meeting General Grant and his youthful imagination \v«j» flr«nl, Tl© loved a man who i>no»<Mi nnd was a ''bonnta fechtor" and ho r<<'4<l with ftvidHy nil he could of, übout, or by CJoncn»l Grant. It wan ho«k<'r. mostly, but ttomo bits u'^n> above "CrJtle'u" young <: rat) (tun too ftir Htul he didn't undprwtund tliem »i thsj time, l^ater In Ufo ho lenrned tholr meaning only toy «011. That condcn«e*l rca<l»: Since i\w dnwn of creation there haven't b*v?n Jmlf-*-Joz<-rv Ju.lt \vnr», General Grnnt fought In the Mexican War find helped lh« United I H!(JtrM to win It. on«i whut AU\ ho any about It? Stand v.U\v. I rog;trit th»t war with Mexico as oxw of ihw mewr unjust fver waptHl uy a stronger against a wtf«k*r nation. f^om* 4 Blory ih»tf Bui, wy, i( G«ncr»l Grant to rlirhi, what nnwt b« the "Trlbuno'ii" ooinion of the hfphvaaUon's ,©th«r "mltltary annal«r

j ' Some orators have just' sufficient language 4o show they can talk. *--' ■■■'-■ -• . " • • ... Did the man who sat down on too spur of the moment remain seated? • ""•.•■•■•*.••■•■ ■ } ■. Is there no male industry these times sufficiently sacred to be proof against the invasion- of the übiquitous feminine.? "Critic" found the following advert m" the' London "Daily Chronlclo": Girls' wanted for boxing. Obviously, modem maids of the "mllL* • • • The "Household Hinta" scrlbo In th* "Dublin Express" tells us that: One hundred pounds of raw beef roasted weighs sixty-seven pounds. Come, shade or shine, peace or war, Ireland is still the Gem lale! ; • • • . ' Truly, the Great American Language la some tongue. The "New York Times" m a recent leader denounced: Internationalism and other forms of group disloyalty. internationalism" "group disloyalty!'* What a pity Bums, Shelley, Wordsworth; and Tennyson; didn't learn tho American tongue. Worse still, Longfellow, Lowell, Whittler, Holmea and other singers of Uncle Sam's country soeni to have been as ignorant of it as any Uitlondor! ' • • • At a recent celebration In London tbo National Anthom was printed on th© programme to bo sung aa tho opening hymn. When tho singing assemblage reached tho lost verso they found on* couplet printed thus: Lord, make tho nations see That men should knavish be. Tho word "knavish" m tho second Un« ; ought to bavo been "brothers." but, perhaps tho Uno-operator, when setting up <the song, was more impressed with what men "are/*, at present, than with what they "should be!" Anyway, It was a Bocho of a blunder. "Critic" vlalted tho Forth Brldgo on Us completion, and concluded that It was "first** as an engineering feat, until he read m tho "Daily Graphic" that: Tho new Yellow River Bridge is 1863 miles from, end to end. Tho Yellow Rivor Brldgo fairly takes tbo whole bakery, and tho Forth becomes a bad "second." . That is, of coarse, for "length." Whan it comes to a question of "height," however, <tho "length" of that Yellow Peril is simply not In lr. The "Southern Press." In an article pn the Canadian Pacific Railway, says: One of tho most difficult blta of tho routo is npanned by a, bridge 6000 miles above tho level of the sea. How'n that for high? • • • AHquando bonus dormant Homerus. Sir Robert Stout, Chief Justice of New Zealand,. is known from tho North Cap* to Port Pegasus oh a ronn of erudition and culturo. and when he ventures a quotation m any of his romorks from the bench as a rule not onfy is tho passage chosen npt but tho authority cited Is corroot. But Hometiincw m addressing erring mortals thus, Sir Robert himself erra m turn. According to th* "New Zealand Tlmos" of Tueaduy, 15th inst.: In passing sen Unco on a mnn he quoted the uuthor of "Garryowen" to tho effect that oil men who committed crime should be eeht to the hospital and all who were nick to prison. Author of "Oarryowen?" Well, Staepoole may bavo said it. but, an ho did, ho -didn't say It m "Qnrryowen," and moreover, wherever ho <*a!d it, if ha Omitted the Inverted commas ("") h* must have plagarised not on\y tho Idea but the very words from Samuel Butler's "Erewhon." • • • Here Hi ft snmplo of "Smart Set" verso, ontiticd "Bwth Born," with th* writer's naroo. Odell Shepard, under th* caption, naked and unashamed: No lapidary's heaven, no broaler's hell for me, For I am made of dust and dow and stream and plant and tree: I'm closo akin to boulders, I'm cousin to tho mud, And all tho winds of all tho sky ! make music m my blood. ! '"Critic," on reading tho openlnff Btansta, turned on the top goar, and this 1* what camo through tbo nau*ago plpot No plumber's bits* areadlan, no gas-works Styx for mine, I am of aoot and cinders made and slops from off tho brine. . I'm undo to tho dust-bin, I'm KTnnd-dam unto gloy, / The winds roar through my whiskers with shrieks of savage joy, An Irf*h-Au*trn)lan poot and plasterer, Victor J. Datoy, wroto "Th© OUi«r Sida." Ho expressed the saxno sentU meuts, but m more acceptable language: | lam of cavo men born, who looked ; upon ih<» flood; i Tho thought* of all tho 4«a4 ara ! stirring m my blood. I I come of (hat high raco, tbo men ! who thought and did. Who raised tho Qothio funo and butlt the pyramid. i Oh, deftd men. long oiit«thrusi from life and light and song, Oh, klrwrnon m tho dust, your grasp U stork and strong. It draws me over moro to bank* of dusky green Where Charon pllM his oar unto s abort unseen. But on» can't «xpect tho "purest rsjr s«rcno" from a ptople oooij>oo»J of Plutocratic porkpaoksri and msk«rs tf uagr&Ubl* notmsys.