The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 534, 11 September 1915, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaunted bravo ths Critic's race* Or mote unmoved his mention In tbs Crittoto Km, Parade Ms error m the public eye. ' And jMotfccr Grandly* "rage d«tyT

I Where's there a frill there's a fray. • ♦ • In the ascendant: Aviators. '* • • A nose by any name can smell the sweet. • * • A bee's motto: There's no place like comb. • ' . • • ■ * An onion a day makes the lover delay. , •' * * Half a soy. m the plate o' Sunday, Makes Piute feel virtuous — till Monday. » *"' * Why are the Allies like tortoises? Because they move slowly upon , their stomachy and are useless without their shells. • * • * To be a success as a poet one must earn his living at something else. That, "Critic" finds, is the most disagreeable part of the business. • • • That man is greatest of galoots Who for his 'land" goes forth to fight; While there are other things to right. And all "his" land is on his boota, ' • •' • A scientific paper says In each respiration an adult In-' hales one pint of air. Pooh, that's nothing. "Critic" knows a man who can do that with beer. • • ' " • ' ' The importance of sanitation aiid the proper and speedy use of disinfectants are being^ recognised ln this war as never before. A British Public Health official says: On© bluo bottle does as much harm as twelve Germans. And like the Germans It has to get its "kultur" first • • • That little journal about the size of an enraged postage-stamp, the "Hastings Bulletin," says: "Colonel" Valentine admitted * that the epidemic was diagnosed by several doctors whom he named as "Typhus," Rather a libel on the doctors to call them that "Critic" has not yet met Dr. Typhus. •\ m , It is asserted In certain circles that what brought Germany to her knees before the U.S. President was the speech delivered at Washington by Woodrow Wilson's secretary, Mr. Tumulty. Prior to that inspired utterance, the Germ-huns thought the name of the Yewnited States' President was Won'trow Wilson; subsequently they became convinced that if they didn't mend their ways they were m for a Tumulty-ous time of it. • • * Tho perspicacity of the advert snatcber on th© "Scotsman's" ha'p'ny bantling, the Edinburgh "Evening Dispatch," beats the band to blazes. One of his latest scoops tells us that there are New arrivals m Nolrette's underskirts. No wonder the dear girl couldn't sit still at the classical concert though she coyly excused herself by remarking that "The music was so moving, you know!" • » • Tho Bard of Wairarapa warbles thus m tho "Times" of that Ilk: — Th© noise of shell was dying, And at times tho guns were dim. Though the sky was silver red, sir, As tho sun had just gone m. Well, well! Perhaps tho guns wero like most poetic eyas — dim with tears. "Critic" has often heard of "tainted" gold, "bloody" gold, and other varieties of lucre, but this is the flrst timo that ho has heard of crimson silver. • • • Tho Scots aro a by-ordinar' clever set o' coves, but this from tho London "Daily Mirror" takes tho bally bakehouse. When fire broke out nt the City Hall, Glasgow, whero 200 recruits nxo billeted, tho sleeping men were paraded and helped to extinguish tho flames. If tho keolics can extinguish flames when asleep, Gawd help tho flaming foo that meets them whon they're awake.

Somo men build their success on tho failure of others. » • • • Th© more waist the less breed. That* s why fat folk ar© so vulgar. ■•* • ' Recent cable cujf ers from Vienna prove that the Hun f s Ally is worthy of bis liar. • * • Scottie: Whit did ye sac wis the name o' the Roos-shayan Gen'ril? Knottie: The Grand Duke. Scottie: The gran' jouk! 'Odsak's, I michtha'e guessed it Dod, his mither maun ha'e had the secant sicht! • * ♦ The London "Daily News" to hand makes the startling announcement: Th© Kronprinz Wilhelm Risks Interment . Truly, familiarity breeds contempt This comes of the Allies killing the Kronprinz so often. • • • The following birth notice appeared irt tiie "Ellesmere Guardian": Greenwood. — On August 29, at Little Rakaia, Southbridge, tha wife of F. H. Greenwood — another soldier. "Another soldier?" Isn't that rather ambiguous? »' • * If th© theatrical scribe of the South China "Morning Post" doesn't have a care he'll reveal his nationality. In criticising a musical comedian he says: It is not much good saying he was funny because he could not help being otherwise. If he could h^ive helped it would he have been other than wise? ■'* * • An accident insurance company recently advertised as follows: Insure with us before the accident Afterwards we can do nothing for you. . Such commercial candor is refreshing m these profit-plundering plute days, but "Critic" does not think it the way to big business. • • • . Home exchanges are full of statements to the effect that women are displacing men •everywhere. The London "Daily Mail" assures its readers that: It was stated that women, trained at Kingston College, were giving the farmers every satisfaction. If that is so, it is time they displaced the farmers! N• • * The Napier "Dally Telegraphvouches for the following: Official. — About 4000 Bunerwals made an Irruption on tho 17th which was easily repelled. The enemy left twenty dead. There's no end to man's devillshness. It seems from tbe above that ho has now harnessed the volcanic forces of nature to his war machine. • • • Vive la No Licence! A contemporary says: Last year thero were 127 convictions for sly-grog Belling, against 109 ln the preceding year. The ' fines last year aggregated £2647 against £ 1714 ln the previous year. Thus do two of our great national Industries grow m production and profits! • 4 • A South Island poet named Hugh Smith says In letters of gold, timo will tell the great story j Of daring and death where the I heroes lie low. Which causeth "Critic" to remark: It's being done now both by Liberal and Tory, Kerosene they aro taxing,, but "piffle"*— oh, no! Tho copyright of the lost two lines belongs to "Critic" but Hugh may have theha if Hugh like, Mr. Smith. • • • A Glasgow "Evening Citizen," recently to hand, has the following advert: An English lady\ whoso husband is much away, wishes another as companion for walks. My! My! How war-time plays tho deuce with our old notions. Some people havo been advocating that after tho war mon should havo two wives, but this fair advertiser wants to cquall3o things m advance by having two hubbies now. And notice the sllranoss of the pawky Scot. "An English lady!" .list that, na. Wha wad ha'e thocht lt? • • • Sir Leo Chlozza Money, erstwhile master of facts and figures, has turned humorist Blnco ho took a title. That was about tho first "funny" thing ho did. Now he has become hilariously funny and suggests that .Sir Neddy Carson ought to spend his days hunting through the "Labor Leader" lllc.s for seditious utterances. The Idea of netting tho lead and front of tho recently contemplated Irish Rebellion to noso out treason m others, is the funnicat of funny thlngß. Why not set Sir Ned to go through his own old speeches?

The following is a coal-dealer's, not a draper's, advert.:, < The Great War has not raised tho price of Nightcaps. No, but it has raised tho hair underneath many thousands of them all the same. .* • * Both the "Grey River Argus" and the "Westport News'* say that A destroyer crept daringly ashore and drew the Are of the Germans That's where we have tho German. He hasn't got an amphibious navy. • • • Referring to a pre-wa_f interview, the London "Evening Snooso" says: The German - ambassador's fee© there upon" became suffused with all the colors of tho rainbow. From subsequent developments, "Critic" takes it that it was a "rainbow at morning" that was meant. • ■- • • "Can professed Christians afford to have the unconverted world accept this ministerial pug, this blatherskite, this faker, this vulgar mountebank, this Blander- monger, this slang-slinger, this monumental liar, this literary thief, as a model for men and a mouthpiece of Jesus bhrist?" Some question, eh? Ifs the mild manner of a righteously indignant Chicago editor expressing his opinion on a visiting parson. • ?• • To paraphrase old man Job: Of the making of English nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, etc., there Is no end. The London "Globe" informed us the other day that: Since the war began the honor of being the first airman to bring down a Zeppelin has boon "easterly" sought. You'll admit there's an 1" of a difference. • • • "Coley" Phillips has hurst out m a new place. He is now seeking honors as a bard. In a pome published m the "Wairarapa Rage/ ho says: Our honor's safe with you, my lads, In spite of bomb and gin, Pass jest and laugh! Pass quip and chaff! Lay out the treacherous Hun! And all this after wee Jordie having taken the pledge. Perhaps it wasn't black draughts he was thinking of but black gins. , .(..-:_*_ » • ♦ • If the ' 'Dough'-mlnlon" is to be believed (admittedly a great strain on our credulity) a well known Wellington inspector of police has been sent to do half a stretch m the cold stone jug. Here Is what it said m reporting a case the other day: "He Is absolutely an incorrigible thief," said Inspector Hendrey. "Six months' Imprisonment is the only thing for you," declared tho Magistrate m reply. If true. "Undo" Hendrey haa "Critic's" sympathy, but perhaps it was tho scrub-editor's blue pencil that made incision m the wrong place. • • • In Germany thero aro the egoist, tho egotist and tho optimist, and the greatest of theso Is tho optimist The penpusher on tho "Lokalanzoiger" Is the latter, and ho soothes his soul and salves his soro after this wise: Paradoxical though it may sound Germany la destined to win either > way, whether sho emerges victorious or defeated from this titanic struggle, and tho greater hor defeat tho surer and moro lasting will be her ultimate triumph. "Critic" supposes that only for its confirmed belief In tho truism, "Sparo the rod and spoil the child," Germany would give m right away. Therefore sho prefers a father of a hiding first. • • • Most of us have looked upon war as wholly and solely destructive. It seems, however, that wn_r Is also productive. Alastair Frank, writing In tho Glasgow "Weekly Mall," says thero will bo a largo crop of bablos In Britain soon, which ar© "partly the product of war." Spoaking of tho "product's" putative papas, Alastair assorts: — These young men arc. to a certain extent, picked for their physical fitness and hardy manhood. Many of them for tho flrsv timo m their live, aro freed entirely from tho trammels of convention. Men who us civilians havo never boon uught but commonplace, suddenly find themselves objects of hero-worship and femlnlno admiration. Now, isn't jAlostalr Frank? But ho Isn't original. That excuso Is as old as Adam: "The woman tempted mo and 4 did. ..." • • • Last week "Critic" quoted from tho 'Murkan "Farmer." This week ho wishes to quote, for the benefit of his cow-Bpanklng cobbers from ono^ of tho Canadian dairy experts, who recently paid a visit to God's Own and toured tho Dominion on a freo railway pass, which last is always on tap for visiting strangers with a "pull." Referring to hla visit to Now Zealand, this oxpert told his Canadian comrades: — I did not find In all New. Zealand any such thing as a wooden floor m a dairy building. Thoy never thought of putting In a wooden floor > or using anything but cement, al- ! though lumber is as cheap there as ! It m hero and I think, tho pement costs about double what it costs In Canada, -^ Who was it said an "expert" is a man whose word you can rely on. "Critic" fancies one would need to bo an Inventive gonlus to ro-lie on top of what that feU9W get* off hla chest.

A recent cable-crammer declares: News comes to' hand l>v the Atua, of unrest among the Chi„ese coolies.' "Atua" means god. Well, we got ahead of Billy the Baby-killer on that. •• * * Advertisement of the Westport Coal ■Company m the local "Snoose": Wanted—An experienced platelayer. Must be used to heavy ' points and crossing work. What they want hi a "white hope," • ' •%. V • . ' •"Whofs this me-an, Eloi," said Mrs. Dubclay, ''it sez 'cur 'The crux of the Russian situation*?" "Whoi doan't 'c knoa? Ah thbwt 'at th* woud 'a' got yewsed ta this ca-lounial slang be this time. It me-ans 'at th' Ruowshuns are In a dam' cruck position jus* neow. Thee ot ta keep thee years owpen." • * • "Guaranteed" thus advertises his wants m the "Evening Ghost": Wanted, two red-blooded young men, as salesmen; a chance for the energetic. No chance for the aristocrat there — the blue-blooded will have to take a back seat for once. • • • "01 zay, Eftoi." Bald Mrs. Dubclay, "what Is this 'sociable economy* Ah 'cur 'em talfcin' abowt?" "Whoi, doan't 'c re-ad th* newspapurs? Doan't 'c knoa 'at it's a noo-fangled law 'at th* King 'as browt m f prevent th' rich from spen'in' ower much munny? Whot a lot o' bloomin' nollldge thee 'asn't got, ta be shewert" Speaking of a stolen horse the "Pukekohe and Wfeiuku Dimes" says: About six o'clock on Saturday morning it was found to he missing. Well, it would havo to bo missing to be found, and If it was found it wouldn't be massing. • • • From a Masterton paper: The matron of the Masterton Hospital acknowledges with thanks the following donations: — Jam_ and preserves, Mrs. Frank Hood; Mrs. McLaren; pickles, St Matthew's School Girls; Father Gutnane, 10s; Bong Chang, £2 2s. Bong Chong amongst the bong ton. • • • The "Ladles ln Print" wrtker of one of our day-lies lays her hand upon' her heart and avers that: The German authorities threaten stern measures if dressmakers do not accept fashions requiring less material than the most recent modes demand. And the less material the less stern tho measures likely to be necessary. • • * Among- miscellaneous old and new cable *'news" ''Crltlo" observed tho following: The Turks gallantly charged from both ends. Wasn't it Lord Milner m his "England and Egypt" who' told us that was a habit the Turks had? But perhaps the I abovo only means that thoy got Into it neck and crop, hitting out head and hurdles, or fighting tooth and toe-nail! •• • ' An exchange says: At Napier Plrl Hire Hoanl, a native woman, was found guilty of charges of obtaining money from three other Maori women, by stating that the spirit of ber faher had communicated to accused that they must pay ber money. That's not tho way to do It. She should have let the "spirit of her fahor" rip, and merely charged a foe. Such is the recognised procedure on tho part of a legally-recognised clairvoyant©. • » • ' Tho "Polynesian Gazette" records; That on this anniversary of the declaration of war, this meeting of colonists of Fiji records Its inllexible determination to continue to a victorious end tho struggle In maintenance of those ideals of Liberty and Justice which are tho common and sacred cause of tho Allies. When Kai3cr Bill hoars tbat he will order every Saver Krauter to down arms at once. Anyhow, fancy Liberty and Justice m Fiji. • • • Two'item3 from the "Heltham Hargus": Wantod a good milker, ablo to milk 20 cows. Wages 30s per wook. A Swiss preferred. Under instructions from tho Nestlo and Anglo-Swiss Milk Company, Ltd., J. M. Johnston, of Palmerston North, has completed tho purchaso of 28 acres of land opposite the Awapunl railway station, as a site for the erection of condenserics and factory. Perhaps they noed Swiss milkers to produco Anglo-Swiss milk up thero. • • ■ Told you bo I All the froth and son about "drunken workers," "shirkers," and "slackers" In Great Britain Is proved by statistics a libel on tho workers to side-track the incompetence of thoso at tho head of affairs m tho munitions racket. Birmingham, a centre hive of industry, tho first quarter of .014. before tho war, showed 1032 convictions for drunkenness. Tho corresponding period this year nhowa only 4GI convictions for over-indulgence, a drop of CO per cent. Of Uicho no fewer than 150 wero soldiers, leaving about 300 (of which 78 were females) of a working population of nearly 800,000. Ono In a thousand!

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j Another cablegrainnier's cnffer: French aviators have bombed and believed to havo damaged t#o Gorman submarines Zeebrugee. We used to he advised to "keep believing" to save ourselves from being damned. Now we must "keap bombin* and believing" to damn tbe other fellow. , • •■ . « • • The butchers up Pukekoh© ahd "Waiuku way are a leisurely lot. Th© tire 4 "Times," m a puff paragraph of ono at that ilk, says: Roulston Bros, beg to notify that ' the delivery of meat for tho month of September will be the same as for August. That sort of stuff may do for the weakminded Waiukuians, but lf tried hereabout that Rtffclston would gather the proverbial blank of moss. * • • Foregoing reminds "Critic" of 4 butcher who had a boy named August. An hotelkeeper rang up on the 30th of July for a roast and two legs of mutton, adding "Please send at once." "Oh, orlright," said Sparorlb, 'Til send lt up by August." "Oh, that bo damned," said tho pubbery man, "It'll be no good to me then— l want it now. m get lt from Ram and Cutletti" Whlr-r-r-r. *■ • * While certain sentimentalists ln the Old Dart are talking kindly about "Tommy's Love Child," Lady Gwendolen Cecil ups and says, "None of that nonsense for me," says she. Many war babies, no doubt, wtn be born ln the workhouse, and why not? .... Among a largo proportion of these mothers on even sterner -attitude Is probably called for. Probably lf Gwendolen found herself ln the same fix, she would find ways and means pf applying "stern" methods m her own case. It • might be as well for milady Gwendolen and others to take to heart the advice given tholr forebears over a hundred years ago by Robert Burns: Ye hhjh exalted virtuous dwmnw, < Tied up ln Godly laces, Afore ye gl'o pulr frailty names, Suppose a change o' cases; A doar-lo'ed lad, convenience snug, A treacherous inclination — But, let me whisper i' your lug, Te*re alblins na« temptation. * * * Slab of slobber from tho "Flea Lance" and copied with reverend awe by th* "Manawatu Standard" and other snobocratlo sheets: The following little incident reflects characteristic gra&ousness and thoughtfulness on the part of his Excellonoy the Governor. Ono day recently Government House grounds were literally, covered with blankets, and at first glance it looked as If spring-cleaning at' Cho Liverpool horn q was at its height. It seems that tho Excelsior Launry m Adelaide-road, whose property adjoins Government House, wer© washing a big quantity of Trentham blankets. Lord Liverpool . noticed piles of them out to dry m tho back premises, and he sent word to Mr. O. W. Oldham, manager of tho laundry, that, as tho drying ground appeared rather confined, ho could hang out the Tren- , tham washing on the fences and lawns and shrubs, eta, m Government Houso grounds. There werp 13S0 blankets all told, so you will understand what a sight they offered spread out all over tho green sward surrounding tho Liverpool residence. The Governor is a neighbor worth having. What marvellous perspicacity on the pawt of LlVpool, Guv'nah! Now, If Liv'pool, Guv'nah, had' washed the thirteen hundred and eighty blankets on his own, or put them through the wringer after Lady L. had tucked up her sleeves, tho affair might have boon worth a par m the "Flea Lance." As it is, tho paragraph looks suspiciously like a laundry advert, paid at double rates — though, of course, "Critic" doe* not doubt tho graciousnoss of mi'lud. * • • BALLADE OF THE KINGS* JOK» The King makes a joke. J — " 'Split-Post" heading. : Red aro tho flolds m Northern France* The battle smoke hangs overhead, And broken gun and shattered lanco Make plain whero thickest fell the dead. Was it for Freedom's Cause thay. blod, 1 Faced foe and Fato with hearts of oakf Or only that it might bo said: Tbo Kings have had their little jokeT Oh. naught could daunt tho dartn* glance, Nor hero-heart so intrepid, As, at the longod-for word, "Advancel* Thoy bounded forth with buoyant tread. Focman and friend at one* "saw red*<— Was It for love of "common folk"? Or only that lt might be said: The Kings have had tholr little joke. Tho war horso wildly plunro ami pronco Whero boll for hcroea boMa no dread; _ And nono there bo can look askance At foes who fell, nor feared, norflod. Why sought thoy thus a "gory bedf" To lose for aye the tyrants' yoke? Or only that it might bo nald: Tho Klngß bavo had their llttlo Joke. L'ENVOI. Woo worth tho day of which »tla said. That hellish bato could men provoke Sach horrors o'er tho earth to spread. That king* might hare their IttOa joke.