"DOOLEY" DISCOURSES

NZ Truth, Issue 533, 4 September 1915, Page 8

" DOOLEY" DISCOURSES

IRlSli-AMERICAN HUMORIST AND PHILOSOPHER HARANGUES HIS "FRIND," HENNESSY Words of Wisdom on War and Drink.

"Mr. Dooley," the creation of F. P. Dunne, the Irish -American humorist and philosopher, is irrepressible. He has earned world- wide fame for his Irish witticisms, and his latest contribution is particularly interesting: "I see," said Mr. Dooley, "th' king iv England has took th' pledge." "Ye don't say so," said Mr. Hennessy. "Well, th' poor fellow! Had he been goin' at it nrctty hard?" "I hadn't heard so," said Mr. Dooley. "EVm all I know he's nivcr beon what ye might call a brlllyant dhrinker. He has few accomplishments Iv army kind, th' poor, dear man, an' is far diff'rent fr'm his father, who was my idoo iv what I'd be like if I was a king. That great monarch was A ROUND AN' JOVYAL PERSON who loved to look at th' foolish wurruld through . th* bubbles, had an eye f'r an ankle, and niver let th' ponies go to th' post without havln' a bet down. Th' prislht king Is like yo'orslf, Hinnlssy, a domesticated animile or respictable marrid man. His wlfo buys his seegars, an' 'tis th' height Iv revelry fr him to haul up m front iv th' siovo In th' avenin' an' wurruk out U\' chess problems iv th' weekly paapera. At illvon he puts out th' dog an 1 locks th' dure. An' he's In his rllo pajamers an* sound asleep e'er lver th' cuckoo comes out ly th' clock to proclaim th' hour iv midnight. They'se | nawthin' conspicuous about him.' He's what ye might call a good Journeyman king, who romlrabera names, puts his money by, stays at home o' nights, an' niver splashes th' mortar whin he lays a corner-stone. "No, sir, th' king has took th* pledge not f r hlmsllf but fr his subjicks an 1 fr a pathrlotlc ralson. What is it,. says ye? Nawthin' less, me boy, thin to make th' wurrukln' men Iv England go to wurrok. It's what HOGAN CALLS A HERCULEEN TASK. If ther'B wan kind iv spoort that th' wurrukin 1 classes iv England ar-re not addicted to. it's wurruk. They ar-ro called 'wurrukin' classes' on th' same principle that Tom Llpton, who sells tea an' jam. is called a knight. It Is a UUo an* not a description. But -th' king has decided they ought to live up to It. An' bo tho sarao token, perhaps he'll make lvrybody m England do th' same. Th' first thing ye know, Tom Llpton may be made to put on a soot Iv tin plate an' go out an' rescue th' fair Mrs. Pankhurat an* gain her hand m marriage. An' all th' jooka will bo set to work Jookln', an' th' earls carlln', an* th' markesses markin', an' th' houso Iv lords will bo thransformedifr'm a dormitory Jnto a hive Iv Indus'throe. "i'e sec, th' king's* ldee is that If th* wurrukin' people cud be lured fr'm th' gin-mill they might bo coaxed into th' ammynltlon fncthry. Whin a dhrlnkln' man ain't <lhrlnkln', time hangs heavy on his hands. There's little f'r him to do but bo home or to wurruk. Th' king tlilns;s that if he don't dhrlnk Ills aubJlcks won't. . Lasteways, thul's th' Idee Lord Kitchener hna put In th' good m.wi's head, an 1 what Lord Kitchener says goes. Jlc'b th' ralo boy m England these (Jays. Yn nee, wlilniver EriK*laml »;<--ts into throublo aho always borrJea an Irishman to got her out Iv It. Lord Kitchener Is not ii rale Irishman. Mia flrat name Is Herbert. But lio was th' on'y Irishman th' Engllnh cud cot at quick notlco to rulo over thlra. In Umo Iv peace little altintlon had been paid to him. All ho dono In them days was to go around th' wurruld maktn' tticnn at th' ladles. Fr Lord Kitchener is what Ui' P*-

apers call a misogymlst. No, I don't mane bachelor. A bachelor is a man that loves all th' ladies so much he can't make a choice. That's me. But a mlsogymist Is a man that has yet to see th' lady that is worthy of his love, an' that's Herbert. "He was onpopylar, but whin war broke out, th' country had to sind f'r him. F'r sixty years England had not been m a war that cudden't be settled bo th' polls foorce. But this war was diff'rent It wasn't like conkerln' a bunch Iv Dutch farmers In stovepipe hats an' turnln' over th' conkered tlrritory to thlm. An' It wasn't Lord Charley Bercsford, bombardin' mud palaces an' signalin' hlmsilf: 'Well done, Charley, my boy/ England did all she cud at th' beginnin*. Sho wlnt into th' fracas with th' same Anglo-Saxon efflcyency that we Bhowed m tho Cublan light oppry. Th 1 king ordered another plate Iv muffins an' th' navy to sail out an' sink th 1 German fleet; th' boys at th' club dosartod th' grouse moors fry betther spoort: an' th' iditor Iv th' London 'Times' called on evry Englishman to do his jooty, an, near evry Englishman responded be GOEN'OUT TO SEE A FUTBALL GAME. "An' there England stopped. Sho cud think iv nawthin' else to do. She had exhausted all th' warlike measures she know. They were all right m their way. , They read well. But they weren't ! enough to stop th' Dutch. A gatherln' iv pnthrlotic Englishmen slngin': 'Rulo j Brltannya' an' 'Dolly Grey,' m th' Crys- j tal Palace, is a noble sight, but it won't | silence wan iv th' battheries that little Susie Kroop is croshayin' m her boodoor at Essen. So th' English, who ar-re slnslblo whin m danger, says to thimsilves; "Wo can't win a crool, brutal an' savage war whin we haven't th' best iv it at th' start. We're not a warlike -nation, annyhow. Wo'ro a nation iv non-competlnts,' say they. An' thoy turned th' impire over to Lord

Kitchener an' told him to go as far as ho liked. "Liord Kitchener ain't me own or th* English Idee iv a sojer. He wudden't go well In th' movies. He's a combynation Iv grocer, cook, horseshoer, railroad superlntlndlnt, bricklayer, section boss, tailor an' chiropodist. If he was m this counthry, he wud be In th' conthractin' business. War to him ain^t army more gloryous thin layin' railroad ties. It may be an amusement fr th* young. If It wasn't THEY'D BE MIGHTY FEW WARS. But f r macbure minds like his an' mine* it's a business iv providln' durable I pants fr th' sojers, doalln' out hot soup to thim, makin' railroads to carry thim fr*m place to place, removln 1 their bunions, on' letting th' young fellows injye thlmsllves, fr'm time to time, shootln' or stabbin' th' lnlmy. But, mind ye, he don't allow thim to indulge m this here dissypatlon w.hlnlvei they want to. His motto Is: 'Kill as manny as ye can, but don't go an' get I ye'ersllf kilt or I'll have^ye up befuro a coort martial.' "Well, sir, nex' to th' fair sect th' won thing that Kitchener hates most Is dhrlnk. P'raps he hates thim both alike. It ain't clear whether he dislikes th' ladles because they dhrlve men to dhrlnk, or th' dhrink because it makes mon fall lightly into love. Army how he looks on both tlmptatlons aa a curso to th' nation that flirts with thim. • Th' last thing he said to his sojers whin they left fr Franco was to avoid TH' LIGHT WINES AN 1 LADIES iv that lovely land." "Have th' Germans given up dhrinkin' beer?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Plaze let us not discuss relljon, Hlnnissy," said Mr. Dooley.