The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 483, 19 September 1914, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage. Or note unmoved his mention In the Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye, And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

A private and a general affair— war. • ' •■ • ' The man who is a lion In society Is generally a bear at home. • * • Better Is a word that lasts than a last word. • *.'■.• When hearts are trumps a girl expects a young man to play a diamond. '-■'■'♦■■ * . • "Women usually like to look on the bright side of things— especially mirrors, •■* v • • To a woman there's no more uninteresting object than a man In love— with anybody else. ! • .■•'-. .■■•■•■'■<■■' "Why should some of our city flappers be sent to the seat of war. Because they are dressed to kill. . • ' •■■.■'• Abel had no secrets- from his wife. He had no wife and" no secrets. So Cain killed him. . Obviously he was too good to live. / ' ■ ■• .">■■' "■■'.■• From a London theatrical advert: Vive l'Amour. Twice Nightly. Well, well t • '"• ' • " , - * "I can't tell her she's the first girl I ever loved. She knows I've been engaged before." "Well, tell her that you're glad you discovered your mistake m time," •' '+*':'. * /'■• ■:■■ Why should the British find It easy to beat the Germans? Because the English have al-der-shot and each Highlander has one kilt before he leaves home. . ■ -.-■■ ♦:.. /. • ♦ \ ■ •■•.■ "Wanted," ran a recent advertisement In a Canterbury exchange, "a young man to be partly outdoors and partly behind the ; counter." What happens wh,en the door slams? , . V '"■■'•:*» '•■.■•,».:.<;>*' .;■'• •■' : ] • • In a recent dlvproe. case a young man stated that "he fell m love with the lady when he first saw her m a split sKlrt." Calf love, of course! "I 'never take no> notice of the man who talks loud and boisterous m an office," remarked the new office boy. "He only acts that way at work 'cos he's afraid to at home." ■ »'■'•• • New Zealand flappers are all madasell to make socks for the sogers, but, dammit all, they haven't time to sew a button on dad's pants. • . '■ ■ ♦ . * The average German is quite satisfied that Emperor Bill Is mad, but that,, they argue, was only what they could expect from his English mother. A London sporting journal just to hand announces the publication of a new guide "Roads to Racecourses." This is certainly a bettor tiUe than "Roads to Ruin!" • • • ' Printed at the bottom of a balancesheet the other day was the auditor's report, which read, "I have audited and ohecked items and additions .... and find spme correct.' 1 * •* ■ • The complaint of officers m Uie Kaiser's army has been that they have trained a lifetime for , war, and have never seen it. They needn't worry, they'll get a stomach full of it now. •.• • ' A ragged unwashed urchin entered a butcher's shop In Taranakl-street, Wellington, the other day and said, "Hoy. mister, give us 'arf a pound of steak, will yer, and cut it tough, 'coa ir yer cats It lender father scoffs the bloomln' lot." • • - • "Suspended life," the latest wheoiG Of Science, does not seem Immense To on© his weird who dally drees. Since life is nothing but suspense. • • • "I told a friend of mlno to sing, instead of brooding over hl« troubles." "Good advice!" "I don't think co. Kvery time he gats ft Uttlo hit worried now, orerybody An the building has to suffer." « • • There was a young fellow named Syd. Who kissed a girl on tho eyelid; Said tho girl to tho lad, Your aim's very bad, You should practise a bit" — co he did. • • • "Critic" was looking through the ro* port of a boxing competition tho other <lay and camo across thts-Rem: "Stono was hooted for holding and hitting, but If there was any difference betwoen them they were both alike." • * • From a South Canterbury dally: Widower would llko to correspond with wWow with means, but without other encumbrances. Others please do not write. Thttt'B tho straight griffin, anyway. • • • John V. Rockefeller, Junior, »ayn ho washes his hand* of affairs In Colorado. "Critic" soenw to remember one Pontius Pilate trying to set out of a difficulty tho same way. 4 As for Judas Iscarlot, ho had tho dvcency to hans himself, having reaehutl a state of remorse which wo are ufrahl no Rockefeller will over arrive at. • » • From the births announcements of a Dublin daily:— O'Donnell.— At Kllloraey. on the 2nd Inst. tho wife of Patrick O'Donnolt. of two daughter* (both twins). Other papers pleaaa copy. That proud father didn't need to givo hla name to "give away" hla nationality, "Both twins" did that. » » • ■ Illuminating par from tho "Now Zealand Tlme«" report of tho landing of tho Expeditionary forco at Apia: Accounts given of the voyage, howevor, indlCAtod that Uio expedition was not fraught with no danger. Which makoa it qulto dear that tho "Times" ocrlbo "didn't know nothins" about it. • » • Even tbo quondam patriotic Herman and Austrian uhopkoeixjra nnd It morn pleftAttiit to run with tho «cnumuntal tjOo than work acainvt it. One «ma»goodji man haw rcclirlatencd hl« Gorman tittussKo l^loffna fttutiaso, its original »t«no; *na the keener or an Austrian rc»i>urant lias put a slgn-wrjiw u> work <ran»formins Auatrian Into AustrnUßn, There Is a «fI«U mimmUuk for » gentud who coxx chaogti ttertln ipu» London on tho coiMMjo trlanv, ami ih« * whoJoaftS '• btjuwja will pay KindeomoJy onylwdy who ma «Utt«Mi« 'Ilfcde m Qcoaaoa* torn tb&U sutisty. ana titrniT ""^ •»*»•

! Great Hardship— H.M.S. New Zealand. ! > ..-.•• •' A barking aog never bites— when he's barking. . • ■• • , * One smile of fortune is better than a dozen of her laughs. • ■ %.\.., ■: • ■♦ Fine feathers make' bad words— when dad gets the bill to pay. j' ■.-.■■,*'' ♦ , V We seldom realise what a good dinner ; wo have had until we pay the bill. • * • Most people who cross the ocean for the first time find It a very swell affair. • • • "Follow Truth," said the Archbishop of Canterbury, recently. They always do. It is wonderful what good memories pooplo develop after , they have done you a favor. ( • • • Tho woman who puts all her money onj her back these days looktt as it she hadn't, much to spend. A girl m tho English Midlands has been christened Margorlno. Of oourse when she Is married the bridegroom will take her "for butter or worse." A musical critic, m descanting upon the musical taato m his town, says: "Our ears have been cultivated till they overshadow all our other organs." What, donkeys? ■ ; "• . • • /, . •■ Hero la an extract from a popular novel Just publishod: "Ho pressed a burning kiss on either cheek and straightway h«r face became ashen." Rather a warm couple, eh? "What are you going to call tho twins?" "Cherub and Seraph." "What extraordinary names! .Why did you choose thorn?" "Because they 'continually do cry.' " •♦ . • A vicious little lad, "Critic" notices, has been turned into a good boy by on operation on his skull. In "Critic's" youthful days, tho operation used to be performed at the other end. • * * A girl recently sued a man for broach of promise and proved him such a thorough "wrong 'un" that the Jury decided, after mature reflection, that she really ought to pay him something for _not marrying her. • • •' Authors and artists who havo made a namo for themsolvcs by making moonbeams dance In wrong places ore numerous: but surely Hall Ca|no should know bettor. In "The Scapegoat" wo find that Israel on his return from prison was "with a wave of his hand, gone Into the darkness." It was a wonderful night Tho moon, which was In its first quarter, was still low m tho east. Hall Came wait about right In calling It a wonderful night. It was. Wholnell over saw a night when tho moon In its first quarter was low m tho east? • * •> Tho following is taken, literally, from tho label of a bottlo of "Tonatoo Sauce" purchased Bomowhoro In tho Straits Settlements: ' Tonatoo Sauce. I Tho sauce are pur. Tho flavor aro 1 terrific. Hope not think imitation as good ftno oa us wiuco. Wo havnt put nothing but nice tonatoo m saueo which give us «uch lino terrifle flavor. Ouco tosto will have more. Januwala and Co. Main Rood, Tatplng Straits Settlements, « * * WELHELM XL Yea. ho fane I m he's Napoleon In this Hcritp; | Mo kldti hlsaelf he'll alter tho world's map, And that with the roar and rattle Of thu ahot and nholl tn bat tieHe fancies he's Napoleon— going Nap ! IHo fancies ho' 8 Napoleon— but he's not; Ho Hirnply b a bloke who's oft Ma dot; Ho not only is a. schemer, , Ho a doxer Is an<S dreamer, And hU favorite phraao it la: "Mclnaclf und Oottl" ! ♦ • • Tho "Polorua Guardian." which to an authority upon everything, from tho bljxomiqai theorem to t* 10 art Qf c * rvlo « plOnUceno Into counterfeit proacnuiwnui i Statement th*t dlco *w« Inv^ntoU by PW«my-EW« tiy tnou«an<t y*ora a*>. an<J that ttmWfca ■ hM oxUted over Rince, Thi'SSrSLthcr food Ui««ion itaJ itttfttu tfenacr OA WorrUttfc* SWtt OW

The Bread of Idleness— Loafing. It Is better to be a young fifty than an old forty. The unforgtveable crime Is Boft bitting an opponent. Many a woman puts everything on her back to make a good front. A button on your shirt Is worth two down the back of your nook. Should theatros bo open on Sunday 18 more a full-pit than a pulpit question. An hour-glass is made smallest In the middle. It shows tho waist of time. • • • Somo recent picture news announces "The Christian" m ilims. A reel Chri«Unn at last! •.■ * » The man who takes a girl for better ob woreo should hope for the better and expect the worse. • * * No person is allowed to marry m Russltf, who Is over eighty yoars of ago. That"^* should give young folks a bit of a chance anyway. ••. • ' Some 'cuto English rabbits aro aocuscd of depleting the allotment gardens ut Hersham, Surrey, of soveral thousands oC cabbages, "sparing only those of the local * policeman," * • •. "Farm products cost more than thoy used to," remarked "Critic" to a tiller of the soli from Maryborough last Sunday. "Y<»s," replied tho farmer, "when a man In Bupposud to know tho botanical namo of what he's raiuln*. an' tho zoological namo of tho Insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill It, somebodyHi got to pay." "--.,».♦ * Poorintto kidl Why shouldn't he call for throe cheers for tho Kaiser, if ho folt Ilko It? Surely he was not blamahle for not realising the gravity or tho situation. It happonod at v certain school m a country district. When tha children were ro-iuisotublod at play-time, tho head-master addressed them concerning the Ambujanco War Fund, pointing out that the giving of, tha money would moan a KUlo sacrifice for the children. At the conclusion ho coiled for threo cheers for tho British, which were heartily given. Thon a Hmall boy called for threo cheers for the Kaiser. He got four cuts! Surely this i» patriotism run mad and akin to the German brutality that haa caused tho world to Bhudderl Anyhow, what good did tho four cuts do? ♦ . • • Carelessly knocking tho ash from the end of his cigar the owner of a motor car riding along tho Hutt road tho other day had a narrow escape. Tho cigar ash foil Into tho petrol tank and tho explosion und subsoquent firo wrecked tho car. Hy a miracle tho foolish wnokcr was Havel. Had it not boon for that miracle tho following lines would havti been "apropos"; Ho dined, He lighted a cigar, He rode upon hlu moto-car. Proud as tho newly, llconncd are. It may havo boon doslro to nwank. Ho may havo ha/I somo d'jvll to thank» — Illnißelf would 1111 tho )>otroNtaiik. Koxt. day's obituary par.: "Fatality with a Cigar." • • * IN THIS NAME OF GOT). On tho first day of mobilisation m n©r* lln 30,000 pijrsonH Hiood with txu-u hood and m nwo-ln«plrod »ilonco pruylng to God for bleaalngn on tho Ucrtna of fJwmany.—Dally Vrvoo. From Berlin's pleasant places. From Uu#ila'B mammoth plaJnjv Kranac. land « f Suinmor Oracoo, And Britain'a 10/ify I«um»; Acrotei tbo ««an rcttaunitlnit Echo tho wur-plpo'u ttottn, •Ti.i Christiana forward boundtag To cut oach othorti' UujOAta. Wimt though Thy t«aoh«ra ioatOt xat Of "good worlca" wi'or U» nosa; What thougn Ttjy i»*-oach«n» preatch v^ Thy proc*f»ta Princo of Px+txt; What though wo mAko prof«mk>aa Dally boforo Thy Tbr«»>o— Our nolßhbom havo poc*«taKir«i Wo fain would malco oar QWUt Shall w«v whoso arm to diftbtadl With power from on Itlgb. Shall w« to fo«t b«nlgbt«d« Tho wrpins shoii dooy? Our nujxT-ormo'l bAttaltotis , . I Both tiro ami son aUau'J srtkj;, . | Till of thorto fooAjh mUitona Tbcrc'a no no m»y say \ut nay. Woft. waft. *» wUrta ih« srtory. Ami woll tbo tola unfold— Ortat Is our growl of pJory, Mora gr««t our (dut (or tS^dt. Though iraUer* with qjucft ottutto* Of "Brotbttbooa 1 ' m*y »»«b: We'll mur<l«r ntoa wuipuajtlim 4M JWtate Uw> ftUuar oj»»