The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 464, 9 May 1914, Page 1

The Critic.

(— I Who can undaunted brave the Critic's .rage, " I Op note unmoved hl6 mention m th« Critic's page, I Parade his error m the public eye, I And Mother Grundy's r«g« d«fyT )m

A rare old flame— Lucifer. Eve did not bother about her toilet till she met the Devil, ••■'■; * „; * .* ■ Think twice before you speak — and then speak about something else. *- • • . Subterfuge — taking tea with your wife. Expediency— taking tea with another, man's. Women love the edge of a precipice —with one hand on the railings; men are more foolish — they generally, fall over. • . ♦ " ♦ . A literary genius is one whom nature lets m on the ground floor, but whom the publishers force to live m an attic. Since 1854 over £80,000,000 of gold has been exported from New Zealand and to-day New Zealand is m debt to the same amount. Funny, isn't it? But the fun isn't the worker's share. ■' . m ■'■: . • ■ * - . jn^,on.e.,pf^the v ,suDurban parks,, the. head gardener, going his rounds earlyi In the morning last week, found a girl's dainty handbag and her gloves on one of the sequestered seats. There's ncy mistake, some girls become frightfully careless m parks. ■ • '• ••' The Ulster trouble has been provocative of much lucubration: Thus one of the best: "Lawyers do. not believe m dying for a country; they prefer to live for it; and a very rude man once confided his belief that they would even prefer to live on it than for it." .'...•■'. • • John Burns has mado a notable addition to our tUreafly rlcn store of mixed metaphors. Speaking In tho British House of Commons on the Insurance Act a little time ago he referred to one of the Unionist members as a. "brand plucked from the burning" and expressed his willingness to "throw a lifo-llno and draw the honorable member ashore." * • • • It will bo a long time, however, before anyone surpasses the achievement of Sloan, a former member for Belfast, m thin direction. A fow years ago, ho delighted tho house with the assurance. "What Ulster wants to-day is, not so much men with backbone, as men who will let their backbones come to the front." • • * * -Mayoral doings m Stratford must have been a bit out *of the conventionul. The Tarantikl "News" says: It is a delightful mix-up; Advunced Radicals and Socialists backing up a monopoly, prohihillonlsts bucking a publican because he is for municipal ownership of * public utility. Wonder how that publican will gyrate when the" municlpall»ers seek to municipalise the, "pub" as a "public utility." • • • The man who told the little boy to divide an apple into three Imlv.-.s ho that ho could tflvfe one- to Ills Mltsu-i 1 and one to his buby brother and still have jone to himself, Ih noi hi it with tho Kaipara ■ "Adventurer." It «a>'» that our political parties :ire now divided Ihtu*: The Red Feds are on one si do and all New Zealand on the other. Thut Ih the Hirength of the Government. If "all New Zealand" i« on one wide, where do the Red Fed.s hang out? • • • "Critic," win) live* on a llul'-' suburban farm at week t>tulx, wa« busy mending a barrow liust Sunday morning when bin Scolx. eousln who had come on a visit frae "Caledonia «turn and wild," tamo out to him and r«ti«l. "Mahn, ye're nmkin' owre m tickle ! noise. Whlt'll the neebon* nay?" "1 j don't ca.ro what the neighbors *»uy." JKuld "Critic-." unpry-llko an bo struck i hi« thumb inwtead of a nail; "I muxt JKet thin bIM"Uy '. -:tow repaired." "f^h, | jblt ye ke:i a ujhm» wntnfi; to hammer ■6n a Sawbtuh. Ye ooht to yaae f<crewJiuillm!" if I Referring to the mixed mate of afIfalrH m connettion with the WpUliir- \ ton Drivers' I'nlon, No. "., the WanKU- , HUI "Chronicle" »ay»*. I The pojiltlon at pre»t<'ul l« that ? • • there are two »epanil«« Drivers' I I'nlonw replKtcrod under tin- Ijuluh- I trinl ('onelUatlon ami ArbUrtnton j Act. and controlled by the »,une «f- j flrer* and executive (with one execution). The word* In nnrenih^it* are !«)(rninjcAnt, If Jtomewhitt cryptic to r tnono not In the know, "OriUc" wl«heH to my Uhnt th<«y foreshadow what 1* about to 'happen to th* orjritntiw»d "hof»jt«^" | union — and ii won't be before it is Umc.

Race suicide: Punting on stiff 'uns. j * * * A man who is full of himself la always empty. » « • An .obstinate man does not hold opinions — they hold him. t ♦ •' Hope is the ability to believe things will improve when you know they won't. The difference between a hen and a journalist is not that they both scratch for a living — the hen gets hers. • * • A motorist was recently fined for using a motor horn that emitted a sound like the squeal of a pig, A veritable road hog. '•; • •■ • ■ The phrase "free-love" is a black j and white contradiction m two words — as if a lover ever had been, or ever could be, free. • -•' • » Speaking at Stratford Tom Wilford designated the Square Dealers as "a docile flock led by a Bell wether." Tom has deposed Massey already ;!; ■'->' 7^-a?:^^:>^..'.. iV . #^.-^. n - :. : ;- ■ The Workers* best prayer machine is the ballot-box, only the fool-voter generally turns the handle the wrong way and brings down upon himself damnation instead of deliverance. • « * That excellent natural, process by which the fit unconsciously survive tho unfit has nothing m common with the deliberate imposition by the strong of their strength upon the weak. •' • ■ .• Massey believes Sir Joe Ward is seeking to get back to power via the All Red route. Bill Bllliam and his baton brigand aro seeking to curtail that route and change it into rout ! • ♦ « The Christchurch "Bun" is not without a sense of humor. The other day under the heading "Accidents and Fatalities" it gnvo us "Another Satisfactory Year" — "Tho Bank of New Zealand." • • * Tho young married woman carrying her olive branch handed a tramway conductor a half-sovereign when askod for her faro. "Is that tho smallest you have, madam?" queried tho conductor, fearing another run upon his change. ("Yea." blushed tho lady, "I've been i married only twelve months." • • • A Salvnrmist was trying to save, | some of the sports returning from the ruccs lust Saturday week. "I'll guarantee." he said, "that tho good thlngH you expected didn't conifl to pugg." ["Wrong there," replied one punier. ;"They nil came to pass, but they puosj ed too far behind." • * j According to a correspondent, v ! 12oz bottlo of "fled C." paraffin oil costs 5s fid m Ekotahuna, and consequently it is thought "Truth" wu« m I error taut week In suiting that a 12ok hottlo was 3s t>d In Wellington. There I wsis no error. KvttUmtly the country I ehomlnt displayK morft business acuj men than his city confrere, I . . i Man is n n ut'cjulsltivo animal nnd Socialism can't come until ho lo««c« hln 'uequlsltlvcnens. Somebody, or other him tuk«n the trouble to tahutate the. seven agex on an acquisitive btiwlst, thus: Firm age ■ iho earth; second—wunts It; third— hustle* m set it; fourth—decides to he Kailwlled with! only about half of it: Jlfth- - become* hilll more moderate: .sixth— now content to potwcHK « sdx-by-twu «lrlp of It; seventh-'gci.s the mrlp. j | The vimlens Velteh, naked, »t n I meeting In WunKunul. why he "voted to put MusHc-y Into power?" replied; For yours we had been frightened by the ffhottt of .Mn»si«y. (Mrcum«Uince« mv now different. I j would bo a truitor to Uibor If 1 .supported Mr. Maasfjy. W'lch is illuminating, very! Doe« the vaclthillnK Vvitch mean thut the Khoxt frightened him Intp voting for Maguey, and now that ho known Mnm<y l« no Khu«t. he'll take hi* courage In both his huml.s and vote fur Ward.? • » • Aottiraliixumx are patriotic and the Young AumrullHH itnd th« Young New j '/.vatander ar<« beltiK t mined to defend < llieir native, land a gal nut all comern. Then it Seotii Bml jer. on" of the. HunKry Hamilton I *, conicn out to inap.iH \ our mw material for warfare, and at- : tor lJi»u<nitur t» nmiicrmw JlnKofwtin j iin<l pntrlolit: ?«iK < w:hf > « on hi« way • throuich Auntnillrt t" dur'n t.uvii. ho ! hud iho tetm-rlty to rrmark. at one of ■ the X.S.W. ••ncnmptnrnw. ih«t "Pat- i rk>U*m njmrt. it do«Kn't. »wm v tiound • economlr policy to b« cxportlntr t*o \ much craln to other countrle.-i, whil«» your horm?«« «f Iwtnic fed on Arsccntino nitt*!" And thitf, too, dtopite IV-j---tcctlonl

The lyin'-o-type — the Plute Press, • . • ■' • •■ Tuovq is like a muffin— better eaten hot. * I* ■■■■■ It takes two to make a bargain, but only one of them gets it. ♦ * m The fountain of modern wwithet — the classics, * • * "The world is full of ways," says Robert Herrick. Yes, it is the means that are scarce. ' '* * # The Auckland "Herald" on Monday last had something to say on "Women Pliers." Gam! Ain't all witnmen angels? * * a At the very instant that we curse the "Penny Dreadful" for encouraging thefts upon property we canvass the proposition that all property is theft. , An ancient adage asserts: "Opportunity knocks *at everybody's <foor." That was m the days prior to the electric "push" bell. Now opportunity is like the. little fellow who accepts the invitation to "push" and then scales before you can get the door open aud catch him. '-■/ .*; . * • A cow cockio advertises m the "Hawke's Bay' Herald" thus : Wanted, respectable man to milk and drive cart. Apply "Farm," "HeralcV\ office.. . Ho may be "respectable," but he'll have also' to be a "remarkable" man to be able to "milk" tho "cart." "REFORM'S" CURJ3 FOR HECKLING If you wish to ask a question and stand up to have a say, You'll find you'll strike some trouble m a funny' sort of way; They'll grab you by the trousers' seat, your collar they will seize, And emptied out you are, before you've had tho tlmo to sneeze. .• • « Tactful Tom Wllford scored n point on the "Square Deal" crowd, m the course of his address at Stratford last week. He was considerably Interrupted byaitULJi m the hull. Tho police were about to eject him, but Mr. Wilford prevented it, saying, "Oh, h«x is all right. He is doing no harm." The audience cheered and tho disturber thereafter ceased to disturb. • * • A short time ago, when an emigrant steamer was approaching tho coast of New Zealand, a wirelesH message from a high-power station reached tho captain. When that officer wuh roused from his sleep he was disgusted to find that the message, which was from a member of 'ihe Ma«sey 'Cabinet,- wan one imploring the skipper to pick for him, among tho emigrant*, a really good-looking cook. Who was the Minister? • ■""■ • • What n wonderful old Book iho Hlhlo is! The olhrr day "Critic" came across this confession of Solomon: There bo throe things that nn> too wonderful fur me. yen, four which 1 know not; the way of an oaglo In tho air; the wuy of a *w?rpr>nl upon a rock; tho way of a «hlp m tho midst of thi? K(»h and the way of a man with a. maid. Of eourao wo are all whscr than Solomon nowadays, ami. doubt »<•««. any primary school boy could enhghlmi him mi ihe HnU three- points, lhil thu luhi will ever remain « my»tt*iy. • * « A chip of tho old hlook. Sp<>ukln« at Whalmtnno, m Mr M«i-nonal<l"» con[Ktitucncy, Tom Sfddoit wild: I can promise tn*' pouplf who re(urmul Mr. Mac Donald that if i\uLihc«ml party regain power. ««<• (Mr. • Mac Donald) will bo lb.> rmi.-l prominent rnun next jo Sir J<..-.-r-h j ,Wurd m political <:ir< lt;=. ThiifH it. Tom> <lit all you .-an i" h-lp your Iwuli-r, <V'» i" K'->in« <h«> length of i»lfkli»K l»is rat.in. t for him io wuv I him i he trouble Uk <*»< " •'< ihankl«'«*H ; Job when "no liati to <!•» it. t»«». TlicnInro ho many «»:n «"»" «•»»'« ! )lf>k - b«-«»«1i' ' ihoso you mi I*l but il<m'l warn t.». ♦ ♦ • | Ac«.-«rdlng io a c-.-,mi-mi>t>i-ssr>\ a pr... minr-nl lawyer suH'M* that luni-ty-iUno out of :« hundred f^lKinrl.-iits Ui <li-vurt-c viinvti an- 1»!0r..1.' worn.'n. \U< reckons tlmt !>>«■ "l><iy" with Uu> Kold^n hair m a rtckk- ja.l<-. vain itn.l fHv.loiirt. and nhc Jtivil.-M flirtation and klf«ii^. »IH» rnall-tiK.-.s -JriKull." She bwir.s a intnV-niark whU'ti .^hrl^Uft, ..(-| I .J st , n ,.>, lam r.'isjly i-uukU«." ll«r uoldi'il hulr irt »i challe-m,"f. and «h<> m tho troublf inakrr "f Hn- worhi. Hut l>runi«U<s always put tip a K«xtU rtghl. and takt- home wltmlng. and \vhi«n \v<»n urn far iiHiri 1 «<inHtu!U. <!«»«' vvbls! but tho ti>»ul)l«' i»» nuwudiiyH thai tho ukuhl j tbli;U-b»-u»l<'<t man cunnot r<-al!y Avi-;n- ! what thoy nr< v . **" many brum-u.--* t..-- \ Ing l»loachi<l. it In on rt^onl that Kw. tnt« iMimpulHory n:innni»iu* <.f an i-anv-gofnt: rh;»J» called A<!:itii n*hri?*Uiin I nani'- unknown) for ih.' natif <»f .% j rl«r«yman ««' prrforn* Uf ruarri,»j{ f > j „,- rcniohy - wan « btonrlf, .nul ih» t>i-r~ t H<>ni irutiod on tin- fact .s«-mar»mi« I; and Ciropittria. ivifio mrtny w«H-l>n«nvn demoiiipllf^ behind thr hnrn m lovrn. hud, or hfIVP. frtlr hiilr. On (h<> •<trrnctb of tin* nhov«* ih^r^ «houl«| )*> A sr<-.«« ryfih for «*)*" bl<ind«'rt m Uor'a | own after ih)« jar tot i)ut)llahcd, i *

Whisky is a mocker m No-licensa districts. . * * « If all flesh is grass, how is the vegetarian getting on? ♦ c • Which ally is the better— tho wise man asleep or the fool awake? ■ v x * ' A man is soon forgotten after he is [dead — unless you marry his widow* !■•' ' * * * ( Conscience is an accurate compass — but it is terribly dlfllcult to navigate l by it. • ' w * * > Are we right m despising fools? j Does not wisdom look her best against a back-ground of folly? • * . * Walrarapa "Daily News" is seized of tho Dominion's great and pressing need. In a single lino, all by Itself to i give It poignancy and prominence/ it declares: 7 A general is wanted. •What ails yo at General Godley? Can 4t bo that tho Wattlo Buchanan rag has the cheek to set Its cady at Sir lan [Hamilton? •.'."• ; ♦ A deaf but pious lady, visiting a small country town In Scotland, went to church armed with an ear trumpet. Tho elders had never seen one and viewed It with suspicion and uneasiness. After a abort consultation one of them, went up to her, Just before tho oponlng of tho service- and, wagging his finger at her. warningly, whispered, "Ac toot and ye'ro oot." 51 ■ * ' , ~ In a lucid moment the Christchurch "Sun" informs us that: Mr. Stewart (Dunedin) said ho did What It was that Mr. Stewart of Dunediri "did" is neither hero nor there: the Important point Is that ho "did" It, and didn't merely yap about it like «o many of tho bull-dozing fraternity aspiring to political emoluments those days. From the Auckland "''Erald": Man. young, single, sober and energetic, wants light outdoor work of any description; driving ror store, baker, etc.. or would work for small wago and board, looking uftor motor-car until experienced; garden, uesful.— Urgent,— Post Office, near Auckland. What a snap! What a cheap young, Hinglc, sober, and onorgotlc man this must be. Begging for a master, and In tho working man's paradise, too. » » • Tho Dunedin "Scar," instructs tho mustering "terriers" as follows:— Do not visit hotels at Middlemarch. They are out of bounds for all ranks. Do not. bring liquor into camp, a fine of £20 Is the reHult for doing ho. Don't forgot to ko to ciimp. "OrlUc" thinks thut the veteran ad-, vice of 'M good 11 1» rag and a civil tongue" would be more appropriate. "Terriers" plcaso copy. Tho "Hear" should not ad. the pubs. • ♦ • What rovoronco und miponUltion Kdino Shibboleth* Inspire! "There m morn m namon Thtm tnuxt men dream or; and n lio may k*-»'i> Jim thrunc a whole uk*> longer If It Kkulk Hohirul ilM' shield vt some fi»ir-sf-t-niluj^ namo." OjiUohk Hrlf-nt'«kJnff lirromi's a mullllnUlioiutir'c, KkulkfitK UchinU thy «toK an* uiul »hlold« of jMitrloilxni: the eannlbsiHam of comp«>tUlv«> Hlilfo futioiin «trnl battens «n th<? "lmaKi'«* u{ l^° above.' und HkulkM hchfncl tin- croed« » ml shU-hIH of relticlon; this class twhlnd |»rlvilt«K« and numhpoly lonK ht.'odwlnk und hiinittjt U»« ptibiic h«hind Hu* pivjUHKi! 1 «tf prourtjon. >■ .X W "Uij\nlnjf-Mlrc**t V* <-lcano»l out," rwyn th«« John ""I* D<jpnrt»n«-nt m Wt'Hlngton. This tvniliuis "Crine 1 that oiu<> a roinnilttov of ludl.rt ami Kt?ntlem«n vuIUmI upon a Kovcrnor of a "Sturs and Sir! port" titatc with » dotnantl that h<» ohliioiitt." ih«« social t-vil, nff-hanij and itisuintly. Tlu-y win- >lmi>tc. hriof and to th<- point. Tht-y informed him that 1 1 1« law* n'Kanltiij; «"ha-Hilty worn beIn},' bniki-n. tli.u thiT«» w<-r« proHtltutOM In Un« city. i«n<i. In .nhort urKo«l him to i»ui it tfiop l " "■ '" l > ( ' what am 110 <I<j?' 'In* «|in rii'tl. "Tht»sw womsn aro lu-n-." "Jt-iV" tint police," naJd they, a n«'\v ami a»*l happy dmico orcutriiu: t«» tlnm. "drlv« them ot>t of tii\vn-:tnri rl"'" 4 *' us> thi«lr houHt^t" Thi»y juu jind looked at him triumphantly. ■•Hut wh<-n> Hhull I havo ibo jM>Hr<* tlrlv«' thi'in - "ovt*r to Dotroli w xo iMov«'lnn<l. or m*»r«ly out Into tb> country? Tln-y have to K« HOMKWHIvHIi you know/* It \vu» a dotnll that h«0 t-mvijxMt tht'm. unu\ pr<**M>nily, with hi 1 * Kr*-«t i*lncffrii.y «uut hl« Krout juiitonci'. "J'H mnk« you a pro(M)«ttion. Von ko aml wl«?c.t two of Un» worst of thew? wom^n you c<m rtn<i »n«t ill instc? '" utk<- thr»m Into my !>»<m« umi provide for iht-m until «l»»-y tan Mud oth» k r h»»nu' «ntl fo»i<- niiur w;«y »>f i;i.ikln« t ' a Hvinu. Thi 11, *nrU •>( >"<> (i *kr <>m» Kirl into your hotm-. ti»wl«r (h»i *.>»ni» conditions. jmhl. io««th«-r. w«'ll try to ftml luifflt-n f"r ttw- r-st '• Thoy UmUcd ' ;U him, tluy |ook.<» :»« ••arh 'Hhrr, «nU, pp«*lne how utterly iir>fM'l'-> l '» 'hla eir*ngo man wap, they w»lk«i away.

A pair o* -tights— two shlkkors. • • '• . • .• Don't "halloo" till, you are out of the witness-box. • • • Youth has its disadvantages— 1% knows too much. • • , *' Some are born lazy, some achieve laziness, and some have it thrust upon them. '..■■'' . The funny thing about horses is that those you back cost xou more thun those you buy, w * * A man who -was cut severoly by a barber agreed to accept £50 as compensation. A slice, of luck. j. ' '. • • ' • i It might be an admirable thing for a man to parade his pride, but for a man to parade his modesty must ever be disgusting. • * • A "Dominion** client advertised tho other day for "a. j womnii,to wash." This is a very delicate job that most womco prefer to do for themselves. * ' ''• ' ■ • - •■■» It tsn't true- that woman has always the last word m an argument with one of the mole sex. It's tho man who has the last word— but it's^th© womaathat gives it to him* •■ * * In 'tho King's Theatre, 'Wellington, the other night seated m close conll-; gulty m the dress circle were Sir Jo^ tfeph "Ward, Hector Gray, tho foshhmablo jockey, a Catholic priest, Hamilton Hodges, tho colored baritone four doctors, and the Chinese Consul, Had the devil cast his net* what, hoi » • * Havelock Ellis, speaking of the United States; m a brilliant chapter ofhla work "The Task of Social Hyglone." takes occasion to observe that **nowhoro In the world is there so great an anxiety to place the moral regulation of social affairs, m the hands of the police," and that "nowhere are tho police moro Incapablo of carrying out such regulation," *♦ . • From 'Orion's 'Oly Haucklftiul •"Erald": Widow, refined, domesticated, fond of homo, wishes light Housekeeper's placo to honest worklngman.—Alone,— "Horuld." Honest working-man ! According to the lSmployera' Association, ho doesn't exist, so how Is "Alone" going to get on? * * * T'other day tho cablc-crnmmer Informed us that: The Blfthon of Luxemburg was fined 1607 murk*, and ordered to pay a slmtlar amount to the twon-ty-one prosecutors for slander ut--4 tercd In a speech describing Freemasonry ns a deceit whoso Ood Im the devil. say. wasn't It his Honor the Chief Jußtlce. Hlr Robert Stout, who originated In New Zealand nn order of Freemnftonry that had no Ood at all? *. ♦ * A woll-known Wellington bualnos* man. of the SeotKbytorlan. panroaalon, was giving tho older boy* In tho BunfUiy School a lesson a ww?k or two ago. Ha took for hie nuttjoct "J»ußlne«a Sue* cosh." He said 10 thorn. "Jlo Industrious, boy*, and you will succeed. Ud loyal to your employer*, never look at iho clock, put the firm's intonwt Ixifore your own. and succos* Is «uro to como. You romembor. do you not, tho sri-at dltliouUy Cs«orKo Washington had to conu-n.-i with?" "Veß, sir." anawewd ono bright Htllv lad. "And what dlfilrulty, what InJtuporablo dlfllculty, nearly crippled tho grwit ClwjrK«?" Short and Hharp came iho reply, "Ho couldn't tail ii I'"'" • • • JIMMY JAM MRP. Jimmy McOmbu, Prohlb.. and Knrtn! Democrat M.l\ for l.yttelton. wn* r*fuHcd a h'cnrtnff '«»' «h« Waihl worker* rocc-ntly. l*aw <he pollgnltft: Jimmy wont to Wolhl. Jimmy wont toJimmy mount to ;rive It lip. to play th« dft'll with I'lute. Jimmy Irf a lTohlh.. a Hoclal-Oetntt* Jimmy wn»t I" Walhl. »o *|»roa<l th* tilling gl:"'Jimmy K»t » hrnrlnK. f«r -junt a llul* Tiwu •»«»•!» Uu*y "hut r»n Jimmy, and 'jimmy couldn't mhII«»: Not " w " nV ln cOuU * lh « <-hap.pl* K«?». Sol. .'V^n on c<»l<l water, lh<j ttttift that inakcit you wet. Jjrnnjy went to Waihi, t« urw ih* worker* th«»r<^Not i«> r*«.k<in too much <m tho dwil ihat*n known «* «<n«»r«<: »»t ih««y kn^w ih*>Jr Jftnmy-ut Un\Ht ihAt'rt whwt th^y »«4d™ And ff<»v«« him «h«> oi«hl-nln«r-0tjt, !»«•- .vuiih* ht> vtnx R««l J-Vd. Thc>y jcor^d. r«vll««l nod rnwkod hlm t !*>mo nhoui^l out. "Oh, Oarn! Wi)'r*> srlvirtu you what U»r»ff> "blokes' c»v« our tennU-pJayliw 'Darn." They'd Ita-v non« of Jitx\my 4»rpon« And on" blokn, with * anwr, Ank?<\. Waihl didn't irtAad r(Rht4»paml