PAEROA'S "PURGE."

NZ Truth, Issue 464, 9 May 1914, Page 2

PAEROA'S "PURGE."

How it Irrigates Itself. Hiccoughs from Hikutaia. How No-license Benefits. An Auckland "Truth" representative, on bitHlnww l>«nt, blew out to the peaceful and parched city of I'iuiroa lust week, to inquire into the mushroom industry and tho habits of tho aboriginal Inhabitant* vegretuting there. "Truth's" rep. iloe.n not know who built Paeroa. but, anyway, Puerou, oh bents a rhslnj? metropolis, conKi»t» of four windows and two doors. Of course, thcro aro othor Lwnefita of civilisation, such an the railway buition, tho court house, tho "cooler" and tho lowll '•John." Some time ago tho Wowsers of Paeron. decidotl that "cold tea" wa.l tho be«t policy, and votinl aecordinKly. And the consequence is that l'aeroii is about as dry as a Ilmoburner'H hat Irrigated by taps from adjacent breweries and "puhberiew." "Truth's" "commissioner" being never weary of well-doing, investigated tho simple method by which Paerou IRIUGATICS ITS DIAPHRAGM for tho benefit of modern science, and so that the casual stranger und visiting momlwra of lnP - N '' w " • Z««luntl A-lie-HiH-e an<l KeohaMle tents may know whore to «<a a "«uift<-r" when they visit i'aeroi. A fow milt n p MH t Pucro;i. down the. line, there Ik a swe*st little village weiring the homely. If Inebriated monnlker of Hikutaia. This romantic village con.siHt« or one large, "pubbery." the local Kaleyard*, and a few fowls of strk'tly inciustrious and sot>«r hublW. Well, when Paeroa feels thin on*' more would not hurt it. or notice* that tho tlcmljolm hiw» only the HiitfiH left In It. Pu«roii goen down to Hie railway station and bugs v "hobrt" worth of Minister n«rrl<V train out to Htkuuila: uiicl. by Ujn original otokcr who fired up Shcol,

that section of the railway to Hikutaia must be more valuable and yield more dividends than the Bank of New Zea- < land. The train to Hikutaia is known as the "long-beer train," and it lives up to its reputation all the way. Its principal characteristics are dcraijolins, square-riggers and thirst, and it is as crowded as the last train from the races. When the train arrives at Paeroa, a WrSE AND PATERNAL, GOVERN- , MENT (see any of Bill Massey*s old speeches) has decreed that, m order to allow of suitable irrigation works, the return train to Paeroa shall not leave for an hour and a-half. And Paeroa does not let any green lawn grow under its "Marlowes" or "Walkovers" during that hour and a-half. No, sir! The landlord's heated staff cannot get beer quick enough through the pumps, and the head barman has de- i veloped into a real dabster performer at handing round Johnnie Walker and glasses, and punching the cash-regis-tor with both "dooks" to ring up the corresponding "utu." And although the bar staff are dabsters at their business, Paeroa can keep its end of the trip up with much credit. Recognising that "Time, tide and beer wait for no man." Paeroa makes the most use of its fleeting opportunity. "Truth's" investigator, on one visit, noticed with unspeakable pleasure,., one, gent, surround four large beers m six minutes, and another gent, have three whiskies and a "scrap" out m the road, all within the space of twelve minutes. Of course, while Poeroa is lubricating its low-pressure cylinder, it passes over its demijohn, the family 'squaro-rigger, and Uncle Bill's flask for attention. And the cheerful trickle of "joy juice" from the tap announces that once more will tho life of Paeroa be saved on the morrow. When the loud shriek of the approaching return train, KINDLY AND CONSIDERATELY. BLOWN about a mile from the station by a humano engino driver, announces that life's pleasures are but fleeting: and transitory, and that it is home and mother for Pacroa, that illustr'ous and ancient borough, being full of comfort, grabs 'its demijohn and beats "oven time" for the train — unless it cannons Into tho fence on the way. And tho brief journey home is lightened with song and anecdote, and Pacroa, after saying "S'cuse me" to the "missus," retires to its rirtuous couch, there to snort that beautiful mclcdy, "What's tho Matter with Father?" No-license has been a benefit to Paeroa, but what price Hikutaia! — Auckland "Truth."