The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 448, 17 January 1914, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaanted brave the Ciitlc'a rage. Or note unmoved his mention In th« Critic's page. Parade his error In the public eye, ' lV And Mother Grundya rage defy?

The supply of talk quite exceeds the demand. *• • ' A tramp m the woods Is better, than one m the kitchen. ? '.■•'■'..», • The first electrician: Noah: he made the ark light on Mount Ararat. <•■■,-••,• ■ '■ * : "Why do you siiy Molly damped, Jack's ardour?" "Because she has thrown him overboard V' * * # The Government has .established a "flying school" at Calcutta. Three aviators havo already aeen killed. * Hi.;.-*. "Why did you say Air. Salmon was a queer old fish V "Well, how could he help it? His father was a fine old sole, if ills moth or was a little common place!" v * ... : . + '. ••*• '■' "How to develop a oust without danger Jo' health," murmured "TheO," as he looked up \rom the advertisements m the dixiUc press. That means "Don't mix 'em," of course. * ■ .. • ' . • The cheek of the lower orders! The Guardians of a Workhouse m the Old X^r^t Ivivyq turnwl quite *our »t sugar m their p"6rridge as' well as milk.' *•, ■; .'*■■■ * ' - No mistake about it-^-ydu caa't beat the festive season -to run away with the. cash. It does not run— ln fact, it gallops. And sure it leaves us staggoring—many with a bottle homeward beneath each arm.. • Christ. Caesar, Napoleon! The Glasgow "Herald" says a man named Napoleon was arrested by a policeman named Gilchrist for being drunk m Waterloo-terrace Leeds, and was tried before Police Judgv Caesar, i .* * * Some sceptics have declared that the charge of tho Light Brigade waa an act of madness not of bravory. What will they, say to one of tho survivors of the famous charge :a the age of eighty-six marrying a damsel of thirty odd? v x v The nomenclature of a suburban church choir has got rather a rollicking ring about U Its flvo femalo members arc naiuoil, respectively. Bonny. Bright, UlyUx-. Merry, and Uay. Quito a chlrrupy crowd u> «o pftnickSus with!- .** . * There's a lot of talk about the wonderful feats Of French airman Pegoud and hbj trick of loop-iho-loop. But Pegoud's act is nothing to the number of somersaults the Rainbow Mints* ter has turned m »s politico) 'atmosphere. * * * Tho phrase foundry sometimes Rets In advance yf tho public's need. Kor three generations we Jmvc rc^mested our friends to "drop us a line," bur not until tho invention of tho neroplano und the stalling of the aero mall had they a chance to carry It out to the letter-that is, IcUer-rUly. * ♦ * | A KollcUor xayt» there are not so ! many breach of promise casen n» t>»oro tiscd to be, as Instead of writlnit letters to one another, lovent now «iy what they have to say over «ho telephone. If a hitch occurs It Is a cam> of ring* off— or rather a ring that Joeso't go i on! • » Tho son of Lord KedobduU' huj» married v Gtrman charmer named Frledllauderfuld. £he I* n •-•on! ktng'n daugJjher. und vi Btlt-wJscd to tho extent ot t £ 6,000,00*. Seine of thu old Redes^ j dale raider pro««nitt>r« would fwl ! proud of their <leso<;nd;\m could thoy j know. I» "U their combined raids. !th«-.v hadn't a h:iul v/orth v flfUi of {thai! | * •' rt I i Mina I'ryJjeatl «ot damag«»« at the ( I Second Convfctioß.U Court- m Par* I from- her lover who bit off tho Up of liter now "m an exc«»»w of affection." |Th« jury ttetfldfd ibr.i the act -''OUBtl;tui«Hl "v diwiinct thitfidvauui^ to Jut ii4M»th«Uii titinbutrs." At jua thought hor olfactory urgan pu decrlbed would wtn h<»r hi-tvy damage*. stj, 5 dok« bt-ttcr Inov,: b'h« w»« awarOotl 17. a * * During th«^ r«;e«nt lndumilftl fltrusK»« ;i certain i»bor loader wctu hum« much lator than unimJ and found kin houiM locked up. He kuocktt] loudly and after a bit (m upmulr* win low \vn» opened and hi« wife called Lov>n to him: "Wh*ro have y.»»i lu;en t?» at thl» hour of »h« morning*" "Hewn down !n the Workln.tnmn'wh Club 'towuttn' the Hh«tiik<«. n«y »J«?ur.' f he replied. «* '«wv<iUy a» hn coul<). "Wry well. th«?n." I tva« th« loy r«»poniMs. "you can go back 'now and di«us» the l^Kk-out:'

The tightness of money never scorns to affect the wages of sin. •■ • ' • ■•.-;••: .••■'■ The first lock-out: Whon Adam and Eve were turned out of the, Garden, ' The lover who worships tho ground a girl walks on is more often the tenant than the landlord. ••> .- •• ■ '\ > ' ' ' '•'■ At Auckland tennis tourney Wallace beat Darn lusher for tho men's championship. Inconsistent play may do all right m politics, but m tennis it tella on tho wrong aide. ' * ' ■*■■•■ '/■• * • Lloyd Goorgo lias raised the Imperiul dust by advocating a mutual cessation of armament building on th« part of the European powers. The bluggoos have fairly gohp oflt their rockers at tho suggestion. "Do you know," said a returned spes-hell to a mate who waa milking m the same shed, "I made my ,baton out of my own head." "CriUo" doesn't doubt it. Probably he had enough wood left to make another! : Paderewski acopted out of Denver, U.S.A.. owing to the fenr that he won bjiing followed by Nihilists who wof* thr^ctftttinir'ii^ * in"!»pitb= of • hi« life-iotfg defiance of ,tho, barber, "Critio" had, not previously fought of Pad. as a hair-brained individual. '.•■"•■■*■ ';v ■'<* : * - ' A Morrinsville man says thnt he still acts towards his wife as ho did before lie married her. When he first fell m love with her he used to hang over tho fence m .frpnt of her house and gase at her shadow on the curtain — afraid to go m. He acts Just the same way now when he goes home late. ';"■*'.■ * * r■ ■ When a roan giving the name of Uiehord Bin! was charged at East Ham on Tuesday with stealing a lady's coal, evidence' of arrest was given by a constable, who concluded as fol* lows: "I should like to add. sir, the prisoner is my .cuvu ; brother." Couldn't have been "Ulrds of a feather," or Bobblo-o'-Llncoln wouldn't have split on the Dickie Bird. * « * At a Ch»li>oa lEng.) pensioners' celebration t'other day, Lord Bdba slicil Komo thirty tours upon an old soldier confessing that ho had pawned ilia Crimean medal. Bobs would be provoked to sutforingr from perennial weeps could he but doo the scores ot Crimean, Indian Mutiny, «nd Transv:ial medals, dccoratlonw. r.nd ribbons among tho slocks of colonial "unolca* " unredeemed plodgo». * *.*■'• The question "When i» a man tfrunk?" was ugaln raisod at Wellington Magistrate's Court last week. Ono of tho 'too' a perpetrated the following and handed it over to "Critic" as a keepßakcw Not drunk is he who from tho floor Can tttUl arise and a*k for more; But he who rulb; and i>rostrnto lies Without the povor to Irlnk or riao~ lie's tirunU. * ••■ * - . 'After. his rel"elouB conversion Berry came to tho conclusion thai "execution is the disgrace of England." Uo advocated flogging with tho cat-o'-nine- tails lnaiead. Thus giving evld<?n<3« of the ClirliJt-Uke spirit! Borry doclnred that \\<r realgnod tha position cf public hangman ho b«Ucvcd that two of the persona ho had «xocut*Hl were innocont. As soon as he puniti to this conoluHlon he rushod awny to London and told a certain Judge. "Well," said the Judge., "what matter if you hang twonty m their ianocenco; you aro »»oi to blame," "You l»o iwiviged!" «Ud lierry. and gave m .*)!« resignation. * a 6 Apropos to tho r«new<M ngiUWon In "John iiuH'j* Inland ' m fnvor of un un!d»«n?rftum! p/i«*i#fo botv/o«w England and France. It may bti of intAr««t to rficnll the fact thnt the Idwi of n Channel tunnel lm« cropped up at ccrtoiu (icUtilttt ini<rrvalß of time, notably m 1525. ISCs, ISS2, and at thu pr^cot moment. In the flr«: mentioned .year thi» j project wn» one of many mad speculations hatched by company promoters. THft mania for npnculftting vmn rtlmoM »» l>ad m Uh c>>i)^K{ucnc(u> t*f thnt of 100 ye»M before,' 'though the project* won-: in>t un wild. rhoA<Uini Hook ««Atlrli?< % tl tho "Kubbfo* of JSS&" m v cU'M'T iwnK m which, allmllnir to the proiKM»ftd ■ funnol, h«'«9yH>A tunnel un<J«roi>nlb the u«n from C»*»Jal* HtrtUgh: 10 Dowr. nir. That quaJmlnh folk* mivy erom by land from nhor<« to aborc. With Kluicea tniuU to drown th<i French ...If e'er thpy should eomtf ovtr, «ir v S Han long b**n l.<Uk(K) of tUI at t length 'U» tboucht a moottxoui fcorc '

Live so that you can go to- tho pictures without making your Grrocar^ mad. . ■-s -. . ' * • ' * He: "I do most strongly object to you going: to v palmist to got your hands; read. It's silly." '■, She: "Anyway, it isn't as costly &» going to a pubbist to got your nose rod. is it?" Something like hatt-a-million m golden quidlets were put through thw various Dominion totes during Christ - mas and New Year's Day race meetings. And some folk say Now Zealand is a Wowser* ridden country', ' *• ■ ' ... ■ *\ .«'..■■ On January the dneth tho Fabrics Act became operative forbidding the manufacture, importation or sale of llanneleUe within tho U.K. Flannelette may therefore bo said to be U. Kered m the Cold Country. "Wonder what tho girts are going to make them out of no**. The lands for •selection opened m October amounted to , some twentyeight thousand odd acres. November land bill showed somo twenty-four thousand odd, December shows over eleven thousand aorea. Who is 'snapping these acres up? Another square deal, eh? . * * .* Lands for Settlement Bill, allowing settlers to acquire the freehold/was supposed to bo at original value plus 1 per cent, with compound Interest added. Jt shows a dl ft went .aspect, when ono realises that the Government have got rents to almost original value from the land already, Now they want the unearned Increment us V/eU, Mfcsaey did the winning act or« this' "proinlstf 4 of the BUI. Now Dill will go out on the performance of tho Act • ■ . . . " ,\ \" '* '' , # ■ » ' * . i A scntimontal young lady onco nuked the German Crown Prince whether ho was not filled with perplexity when he looked up at the stars. With a mischievous smile the Prlnco replied y , Not at. all. they arc Ihe decorations conferred by my august father on his creator. Smart! but at the same time tha Prineo is 'sailing very near the wind, and If lie doesn't watch out he'll b» prosecuted for lean raajes'y for suggesting that the Kulser had a creator, '.'.-.* * * A judge has decided that stealing a bo* of matches it* not a criminal offence. A man was being trlod on a charge of. having picked up v box of matches from n shop counter and walked away with thorn. Tbo Judßti. m discharging the prisoner, expre#»ed his surprise that the ahopkeoper nhould have brought such a case Into court. He declared: Matches are like umbrellas, thry < are public property. Umbrellas publlo property! lv. valuing this useful article Now Keuland lias gone to uultu who other extreme. During tho pa*t decado two men tried before our suprntn* court were ecntftnced to six months' imprisonment. .One of them 'tad taken a mate's life In a drunken brawl and the other had stolen an umbrella! * • • Tho science t'sn -called) or cuKonics has bean winning to its atandard many oUtonviito rutioual porsons, nnd it looked as if the thoorisu of that ilk wero to have a "walk over," bo to speak, it would seem, howevor. that. In ougonlcs, n« In every other walk m Iff*, theory goes down »>udly when it l)un»ps ai^ilaut pnictlco. r »io of the first to di-M.l It out nus Sir Jamea Crlohion-Browne, who any« that there Iri indeed a right nnd a wrong making, but that Nature indicates her doslros by means of th« proceus known as "falling m love." Sir Jus. himsoic - picked his slop* with enro and precision until one day m his seventy-uoc-ond year, the love-light Klimlng from the eyes of n maiden of twenty so daxxlod hint that he fell m love and married. What has Ixson tho rc<tult ot that mating "Critic- ban not yot hoard, nut, Sir .Iamo«. it ho wl*h«B to giv« the euponlMa a prncUcal dcmonatrAtion, had b«Uer hurry up. WJi«n • man 1» over aevonty h« hadn't much Unto to lose— or anything nlm that counts for that nmticr. * ♦ o But Sir James lit not .ilono. William Allan Plnkwton. the Paisley laddie who went to America to win » world reputation tin the gr«nt«at of human ulauth*, w»y»:Tlwrs l» no criinlrml e\x*n am Bueh. PriJitinH «n< not peopled • with habitual crlmlimli*. Hun- < dro<!n of ottiortt would |m» orimln- | »l« If they w«m offered UuMr pric«. J In poln: of fnci w«» urr nil nt v* j potential criminal*, but nomr< of . ; v* dfitnsnd almost prohthltlv« ! prices, whjlt* o;h«rrs ro chrap. Incldftauilly, Mr. Pinker ton icllit v* h« has btxin rw>Mt\% Vlolar Uugo'Ji *t*» MUorftlil^R," und that hU »>"wpathi<j* are— Uke *!very»>oly el*»'*~w»ih 4« % a0 VftUean. Jovort, Uip dhntin Cull«n *>t | ht« dmy, i>ft ref&ni* bj» "th<> moat <lna. jpleablft itt ttUlitemturv." InthU vtny, Hn« ujwq line, and pivcepi upon pr«> Ic«pt, It may b« po«*tbt» to reduce th» cufi»ini»t to thftt AdmlrftbU rtlw»<*» ?hiu would to well b«ootao Him if ho wo«V but try It,