The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 444, 20 December 1913, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaunted brave ths Crt tie's rage, Or note unmoved his mention In the Critic's page, Parade hl« error In the public eye,: " And Mother. Grundy's rage defy?

Man prop6ses; woman imposes. * '.-.• ; . '.*•' ■ A "Whine cellar: The Rainbow Minister's rooms. ■'•' : ' • •' Duty Is the thing everybody else ought to do.. r •■•■ • • . The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the bilting goes on all the time. • '" • ,■■'"•'■ "Why didn't the paper, weight? Because it always goes before the table leaves. • • '• The girl who dreams of eloping generally allows, her imagination to run away with her. •■ • • In spite of Tony Wel!er*s advice to "bevare of vidders," a man who weds a widow certainly does not marry a-, miss. ..,-.■■'••'■'.' • • . Some Australian tanners have had the hide to go on strike. Then their emplbyers had the hide to have them fined. Then they had to ante up the •oof! \ ■■ -■ > - ■ ■'■•■•. ■ ..-, - ■■»•■ ,■■-■-.' ■ v-' ;•■"■ • ■ • " - What world-wide benefactors the ''Imprudent tnen are! lidw prudently most men creep into nameless graves; while now and then one or I two .forget themselves into immortality.—Wendell Phillips. ■'*?*- **".-.- *?.- Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible sun within us. Therefore one can logically infer, when methylated spirits are sold at fivepence a halfpint "by the corner groceryman, that the invisible flame can be kept burning a little lunger at a moderate cost a * * Thus the "Dominion" the other day: A scratch crew hits been engaged to take the pUice of the stokehold squad who walked out of the Opawa. Surely such news is superfluous? They must heeds be a "scratch" crew li they are a "scabby" lot. •■ • • A poultry* fanner at Dowremoy, France, the birthplace of Joan ot Arc, where "The Maid" first heard and saw the Angels, has discovered that by mixing pepper with the food of fowls their plumage turns pink, which changes to a vivid scarlet about an hour before a coming thunderstorm. That is red hot, isn't It? Surely Dowremey must be a miraculous place stilll - \ • ; '«•■'.* . », The "Telegraph" auttes: The worker has his labor to sell, as the landlord has his house accommodation. Then why not fix a maximum price of labor? J Tho ••Telegraph" may not Know it, but i both tho maximum and minimum prico of labor is .Jlxori, und is fixed by an economic law, which is governed by two factors. The standard of living demanded by tho average worker determines tho minimum wage, find the unemployed man waiting at the gate to take the .tob. the moment the nun insido asks for more wagea than the unemployed roan demands, determines tho maximum wage. *•■■' ■'■■*. ■-' * Speaking at the Adelaide Murtuaty Conference on the motion recommending trades unionists m Australia to put into effect tho principles of industrial unionism, delegate Duncan (N.S.W.) opposed such motion. He' said: "It has been found that amalga- j mation. could not secure wages as! high as the craft union." Delegate ! Curtain (Vie), speaking to tho same | motion, declared: "Craft unionism put I ju premium on organised scabbing." Ho further said, "It would be absurd for the timber workers (the union he j organises) to allow engine-drivers to arivo engines when their men wcr« ;out." The difference hctwocn Duncan jand Curtain is this: Although thoyare [both young men, Duncan has been I trained In tho old antiquated industrial school: whlhu Curtain has thu now and modem ideas of Industrial organisation.

A canard is something one canardly believe. ' The election campaign m" three words — Adjectives, Invectives, DejecUves, Thus a little Maori boy, seeing for the first time a man on roller skates: "My word!. See that'pfellcr on to.piccaitniny buggy." «... . • ./;•. Wboever's worth doing is worth doing well. Lots of things make up life to a woman, and make-up is not the least of them. "Settling day" is a good day— for the Bar Vons. Most punters are settled on that day. • . • • Someone said that from a woman's point of view roan's greatest charm lies m his strength. H'm! Many a woman who has "fallen a victim" to this particular charm m a man has wUdiejT that he never, possessed it.r - betrotba|-of : liewisY of the warship Austratla, to the daughter of the* ) i?hrte-- Ji Jawbone" Neild is. announced m bur Australian exchange's. "Critic" fancies this is the first engagement of the Australian Fleet ' '.. * . »' . '• A witness m an American Court casually mentioned that a certain thing occurred just after he had a "barmaid's blush.'* Judge and counsel were, for the moment "stuck up" by this .hitherto unheard of phrase, but lhe f fact was gradually elicited that it meant a drink compounded of beer and raspberry vinegar. * « * A Dutchman named Albert Dettyn won a wager of 100 cigars at a cafe m Germschen, Holland, by eating a pound of dry flour whli* he watched another man drinking ten glasses of beer. Moat coves would prefer to perform the latter operation. "Critic" bet 3 that the flour-man had to swipe down a gallon or so of swanky after his dry feat. v * silt was the occasion of a Jaw dinner some years ajjo. The late Dr. McArthur was a guest. The results for the law examinations Were expected to be out m a day or two. In replying to tho toast of his health, the doctor said, "It any successful candidate is brought before me. no wilt bo instantly discharged—the unsuccessful ones, beware!" !* v 4It is not generally known !,hat the late Dr. McArthur was, J« his, younger, days, an athlete. "CrlUc" dimly remembers him, many years ago, as a master on the start! of the Scotch Collego m Melbourne. Me woa then known as ar» «mthuslaiHlc oarsman on the Yarra, while on tho "track" he did Lis 100 yards In a fraction over tho 10 seconds. * >'' w A correspondent writes to complain of the suburban train, travellers, whom ho charges with the tired feeling. "Usually they show such i wont of consideration," he says, "that wheu I'm going home weary afhu- my day's work, they will seldom raise their newspaper abovo their shoulder, so that I can squint at the horrible atrocities, appalling accidents, and other guff as I'm sitting Nshlnd them. No, sir, they are a tired lot, and I blush for my sex. My old woman Is so fond of hearing the news, too! Hoping you'll shako 'em up.— Yours, old Subscriber." "Old Borrower," he probably means. .* . ' * * Itegnrdlng ilui arrest m Chrlatehurch last week of one McGuiucs*, who was lined for laughing at a "spea-hell," tho police seem to have achieved roraethlng m the naturo of a record for agility. McGuiness was arrest n\ taken to tho police station und searched, conveyed to tho ciurt, brought before the beak, sentenced and} landed back at the police station again. The whole procedure, from ihu tlmo of the arrest until the second arrival at the polico station, occupied barely 25 minutes. Whilst tho police were hustling MeQuiness, McOuiness's chum, a fellow named Sclway, was also on the move. It seoms that Selwny, who boarded with McGutuess, hearing of thu "BmilerV arrest, secured v sovereign from Mrs. Mac to pay her hub's flne. The good Samaritan then canvassed McGuincsui's pals and obtained numnrotiw additional subs towords thq warno end. Later In tru* day Mr«. MucG. mutio inquiries, ami. tinUlng that Mfic, had been sent to Lyttelton thiol, paid his i fine and ii« was llhc-nutrd. rid way, | full of hops and fltmnclol Uls truss, 'landed homo a. couple of hcjrx hU'.iud McGuinnesA am* wondered how he got out of gaoL J

Why did the ice-cream? Because the egg-beater* ; . • » ■■ •■ - ■ -■ . • .'■...• • - There has been a haul of sharks on the West Coast; Yet no one has been reported as missing from the city. •■ • - * . It keeps wives as busy providing for the inner man as it does husbands providing things for the outer woman. William Death, an old-age pensioner, was killed at Toowoomba by a motor-car. Gone to join his Great Family. ■..'.,;•. ' ; • ". ' • "The supplies of eggs, m Canterbury-: during the last three weeks have been the heaviest on record," states a current ' commercial report. Were the • folks preparing for Dyttelton by-elec- ; tion? ] ■; '■' # * ; # j Bevare of vtdders. Ten widows, ; each with one child, are receiving assisted passages by the Marathon from England to Australia. If this trial lot is a success, other shipments are to be , made. ' '••■'! .♦ • '.• • ■ ! A much-married friend of "Critic's" ; declares that married life Is not one grand sweet song, but a series of retrains, the chief of which is to refrain from opening your pay envelope till you get home. » • ■• No people m the world possess that admirable faculty, hope, so much as do those suffering from consumption. And m the opinion of many philosophers the superabundance of hope leads to their undoing, more than their environment. . Still, this aspect opens up a big question, and it is useless dogmatising over what has to be endured »"• . . ,* ■ . '* The difference between Sydney and Melbourne people, says a Dominion! to who has been across the Tasman more than once, is that the Melbourne pco- -j pie, its press, politicians, and parsons : are everlastingly discussing Sydney l and its bootlful harbor, and contrasting it with the molasses .channel called the Yarra; whereas the Sydney ilk, Judging by the conversation m tho streets, do not even know there is such & place as Melbourne, save at Cuptime, when every devout punter makes his way to Jerusalem to worship. 9• * > In the case of a sober citizen, who was arrested and unjustly charged with being drunk, Magistrate Riddeli said: — The caso was on the border line. It showed how careful barmen and hotelkeepers ought to be. Magistrate Riddeli words are certainly ambiguous. Are we to infer that these gentlemen should see that nobody leave's their b4^rs who is not positively drunk? So far as "Critic" can see, tho barman and hotelkoeper had taken much more care than the John Department gave them credit for, Can His Knibbs not bring himself to tell the purllce even once that theirs Is the blame? <• *:« a "Tho closing of the Lyitelton rolls was a dirty trick," says Dr. Thacker. "Truth" quite agrees with him. Undoubtedly a deliberate plot wos carried out to deprive a largo number of nnli-Masscyites of their franchise. When iha sporty Doctor goes on to say, however, "I t havo ovidenco that it wos a political move, because, when I sent some of my Xyttclton committee to engage the hall for the night beforo the election, they found it hud been engaged by the Reform candidate." Wo are not inclined to uphold him m his condemnation. It's all m the game. The Doctor and his friends should have got up a bit earlier. The gottlng of th<! main hnll m a town, tho nighfc before an election, comes, wo opine, rather tinder the heading of smartness than of politi* cal trickery. * ' • * '-Truth**'* rep, was travelling from Christ church to Rangioru a short time ago, and heard two men t « 1 k- ' fug of bullock-driving ns done at the ' Chri«tchurch show. After » while ' a wiry-looking, tall obi man chipped m. "Driving bullocks. Not ono of them knew how to drive— didn't : know th<* lan«;ini,gc — noiw of them ' could get n team of lo*y bullocks out of n bog. Hah !" The rep. listened with lit'rrwil. becuuse he know ''the language." nnd knew that . overv bullocky m Australia m the old days bnd.n pot nniii« for each bullock— "SjrawlH»rry." "<T*Nvmy." ••MiJkv," "Spud." nnd what not. I Ono day n well-known driver, noted « for his" animal vocabulary, got his i l<?om stuck m a bog-hole. ITi* whip I cracked nnd the nurroundlng air was 1 lurid with language. A country I parson rode up. halted. li*r,*n<*d m 3 horror to the volley of oaths, nnd|« watched, with txiln. tho cruelty of J I ' tin* whip, 't'niibh' to contain himself t longer, he said. "My good -friend, ft < i.ninful to witness your cruelty 1 to tho.s.s poor, dumb unitnaiH j Why r cannot you t«3 more patient and i truitt m Providence ?" The bnliockv i looked nt him and retorujd, ♦• -Pro. | viden<*o* bo b— — — ; 'Providence" is * the worst b—— — bullock I've got m j ( the whole b— — — totuu J'i j ■

The daylles announce "a Call m copper." Who downed the John Hop?

Borne Dominion glrla may te as pretty as a picture, and others are rapid enough to bo my vlns pictures. .

This progressive paper is not alono m its anti-vaccination principles, as was abundantly pfSvctl by evidence, adduced In these columns ' during tho recent small-pox scare. It is pleasing to report another convert— one within our own borders, , In an interview, Bob McNab, prospective candidate for future political honors, is reported to have said;— •'When I went to Australia 1 was n ! strong supporter ol compulsory vao» \ cination, but my views havo sinco j been altered. Tho eftecfc there is to i compel overy person who is travelling to be vaccinated boforo he can do anything at oil, but iho people; who aro liablo to contuct nro not subject to compulsion. I think that so far as Sydney Is concerned, the small-pox outbreak .would havo b««n hotter dealt with had thcro been no compulsory vaccination, but when small-pox appeared anywhere tho -patients should havo been quarantine cd. The result then would have beon that all tho danger spots would have been Isolated." There is nothing liko d littlo travel for broadenlnjr ono's outlook, Bob !

Tho hotel canes, m tho Wellington Magtsirattfa Court on Tuesday loat, were provocative v of n, JKUe comedy m tho art of cross* questioning. Uvwycr Tommy Young appeared for tho licensees. His first duty was to ntlack the Mayor's' order for closing, and the method of Issuing notices to each hotel. On the latter question the two witnesses concerned wore his Worship tho Mayor and Town Clerk Palmer. Juat hero Lawyer Tommy omitted to have witnesses ordered out of Court. Consequently. Palmer was aWo to sit and listen to hi* chlers evidence. Young tried to elicit -from his Worship tho exact process of making out the notices, especially as to U-o fac:t that they were typc-wrUfcn m blank flrsi, then signed by the two Justices, and the dates, name of hotel and other matters filled m afterwards by a clerk. However, tho Mayor was not prepared to give' himself uwny, but acknowledged that the proccHS n« outlined waa true to a point— but the fact remained ihul h«* checked each notice after It was completed. Tlioso who know City Council businotf« methods will placo their own interpretation on this. When V^ilmor got into iho box ho was, of course, prepared for any surprise tiu««tio». But ho iuid to ncknowlcdffd that, an far a* he was concerned, he turned tho notices m blank and afterwards saw nothing more ot them, Had he ;>«cn out of Court when tiio Mayor's evidence was taken, goodness Knows what admissions might have boon forthcoming. It wan comteU to tioo hln Worslslp wax virtuously indignant at tho miggPMlVB questions put by counsel.

Apropos of the hole) ca*«R. tho poalUon is that U»> proptr coup** of procedure would have been /or MagU-' l rates RldtteJl and Kvan« to Uikn the itiiilaUvo ana act through tho Police LK-lwrtmfjni, vihfm everythJug would have b*en tlono <tt**?nily und to ordor. In fcict, tl»o Mayor vtaa atlvtiKd m thin (Olrc«tfr>n. Hp, howftvftr, on lh« hind lc«* of hf* dt^nity, nn»t wild ih»t fi« he rt?prt*coted tho clitscnf, tmtl an the wifely of 0»e city wa« ontru»t«d to him. h« wiut the propiT p<r«on 10 Jn*lUut« prpcrodingn. He 'JJd «o. and the preiasßi Jauntiable fiasco 1» v*« r«ttuit. It m »n open secret that ilio pf»Uc« officiais are laughing m their *l«MSsve« at Ule worry figure Uio CJt> Council auLhoritlcjt six* culll^tf ovdr Uto matter.

It la often better to maJJto good than to be", good '" -.. ' '■" '"' • - " ■

"Old Salt." writing.' 'to "Truth" m reference to the treatment of the Jap. uo'sun who shot a yellow brother sailor aboard the Kwanto Maru, says that ha has never previously heard of any man being: handcuffed under lock and key. It certainly w^emed a handicap to a man bent on har'kiri, but Bill Mussey ought to bo th&nkful to Iligashlbara for his ingenuity In saving the country a lot of experidituro In toaciilns Japan tho art' and* mysteries of British justice. Handcuffed and handicapped as ho was, the Jap bosun contrived to forco a piece oC bamboo cane Into the locker over the door of the cabin where he was a prisoner. A strong piece of webbing tied to the roof added further support to the improvlsed beam, nnd to thla the sailor tied one end of a girdle, slipping the other end, noosed, over his head. Apparently he then jumped down Into the cabin, the drop being Just sufficient to causa death. When the man was discovered his hands were still secured by handcuffs.