The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 443, 13 December 1913, Page 1

The Critic.

Who con undaunted brave tho Critic's raec Of note unmoved hU m«ntion In th« Critic* pace, Parada ma error In tho public «y«, And Mother Orundy't raflo defy?

j CiostnK <|tioiutioi.i — "S'out up- ' I " • ' . •innocent" was the muno of a iruin who plwidwl K«iUy of brins' drunU tho other t^iy. [tun elcctonttii him wetk H^kcU v pretty itdicntuiu voter what jmi'ty hi« wn^ imottt m fitvur of. "lUfunn'j* Kunerat sl'arty." v.a« (ho ropl j, . • • « - Lnfcl >fc«i' there >v*rr SJi unions m Auftttnlttt. With n momh«r?ship ol 132.SiJ. At iitc time* of tin? Hit? Strike m th* early nlnoUc* tii.-ry wrru J2-» unions, with ft momb.rsOup vt S4.S.SS. Tho Jtt e **«*« l *« <>f ntomWrM for 1912 t»y«r lull mum 6J»,iS2. Will vi»« nr^K&nt «trik« m tnlii country have a. like re-

A humorist who usWetf for a yard ot pork m a uia»ijow butcheftt was lmndcU tlircu pig»" feel' • • • Yankee tmtrririKv notice-~"Xo cardu, no cuk««. jn> rtu\vi?r«, rn> thanlca, no rct:rt i ti». nobody's 4nt-nttd bwphitrsrt," • • • uu i«xet'H«ni tublft—iho trouble is Uim \Oi) many at them put so Hltlo on U! • • • )tollo«- cam;* containing' nlcuhoJic UrJnk nr<; mid to h;»v« Jioeomi' popular !*hic« the pacing ot .i i«\v t,. (irovviu Hundiiy drinking m Washington. o n ono Sunday <n-or v lumUrcd im-n \vt<r»* jiiT**t<Ht for tlrtink^nncKa. «v< ry one of whom wtt* oirryisnj; «. hollow er.n<s or. as "Critic" would j>ul Jt^ a "rum" wolkluff-oikk.

If wtt is "bad-in-age" what must it be m youth? • ■ .' • . • . " * ■ ' Walter: "Ox< tall one:" Punter: "Blime, that's a case of the last being first." .'.■'■•' » ■■ • Society's newest erase, -we road, is for photographs of ladies taken m bed. In camera, eh? When a woman cries for sympathy cry with her; when a man needs, it— swear with him. A man may possibly- have the courage to love two .women at the same time, but he should certainly have the sense not to try it. ' "It is now fashionable to take a flat for the summer months." says a Sydney weekly. "Critic" can see the Sydney "flapper" chasers" pricking up their ears. • • •' A man's best friend is U\e woman who can keep him from making a fool of himself. "Critic" thinks it a pity that he doesn't generally meet her till he has completed the Job by meeting the woman that helped him to. « • • ' •■■■■'.» The "British Weekly" states that an American editor started life on fiftyflve cents; and is now worth 100,000 dollars. It adds that his accumulation of wealth is due to frugality, good habits, strict attention to business and an uncle's legacy .of 99,993 dollars. • . •■■■.-. • An ISnglish laborer's wit? summoned for Y&tii 'esplaiiied that husband's wage was eighteen shillings a week and they had four children. Jt was, she declared, "a. starvation wage." "Yes, but," said the magistrate, "it is regular." Just soj regular starvation! « • - '-'*;■ A poetic fiend m a Canterbury weekly commences a half column of verse— or worse— beginning: "Last night I drew from off my sleeve n little golden hair." "Critic" wonders how the bard would havo fared if his wife had spotted the littla golden hair first. ' * ■■■.*"■■ • * ■ I The writer heard of t ho case this I week of a Reform farmer along the IWalrarapa employing *. young- new chum of 20 at 7s Cd a wee* and keep Tho new arrival is a good worker, and after tolling a day under a hot sun at particularly laborious work finished up with both ' arms bjfcjtcred from wrist to elbow. Organisation among lour rural workers !i. badly needed. I • * • I "Out of tho fifty Jurors summoned torty-threo aro Dunnes," said the Clerk of the Court at Maryborough Quarter Sessions. In each of th«> two juries subsequently aw,»rn ten f.uf <rt the twelve were Dunnes. At a previous sessions eight members of a jury bore the name of Doolcy. One UotMtu'r need to bo v. "doolcy" to know that there arc a mighty lot of "dunns" m tho world. ■ . *. • *, A Manawalu resident write* moro iv sorrow than m anjjer: "The olds?.- residents here appear to Uimpiue max everyeno ought to be of Uki Reform faith, or els© be regarded us a purlah. As ArtcmuH Ward K«iuiy puts it: 'liberty to follow the dictates of tlw»lr own minds, and liberty to prevent us enjoying our own opinions.' Ueautlful freedom this." Cheer up, comrade, tho old order pasßcth. k l vl nif place to tho new! '?• • • T\w prescience of the Ncrolc Herdman m ull but justified. Tha universal strike fevor had invaded the John Department m tho Old Dart. l*>itt» police Mffuao to undertake! voluntary duty. Bueh as attendance ai football mniehes and theatre* unles>i thr-y axo pjtUl la an hour, with it minimum of Sk. Such duty has hitherto boon paid for at tho rale of 8d on hour, with a minimum of 2s. Wlien th» men pur* titled nn intimation wns mud« to them that a score of pt>!le« w«r*» rt quired for n. football match on the following da y« Voluaieer« \v<«ro twkcil tor m tho uaual way, but na one ro»pontled, und on I Saturday In order to police th«j football i fi«?ld men had to he. withdrawn from the town official nnd Uctocth'.* «tiff. a pnnp'H turn n »»b m th« v>nU. !•• • . ; A "sirlkf" t»f Htudentu has occurred ' | m Umdford Technical CoHqko. -\nmn« the trade cla*«e*» l» otw for llthoffmjihie prhu^rK. To thin itotne employer* desired admlmtlon for other than onllnarv npprontlceu. Thoy wished that i awn «f principals ajvl ihmo who i intent be Ut'alffnctl for jw>»ltlon« n« truv<*li«r« »;»ould be jrlvon In»truot4on which «b«-y could not i?«t mi prlntinii i j >vrtrKH bocAiwe °f tnitle union reatrla- ! | tionn. The Technical Kduanion Committee <l«;el(lfi«1 that th*j prJnr-Jpjil of i ' t l,o School of Art. who hn« charco of !))<♦ lithograph cln»*. xhoulti ntlinlt li un>'«»n« who h«j thought tvowtU l^nuau < To ihli* i»« h>cHl I*Ulu)«rrat?hle Hocl<jty i tuok oVjjod'^n, «n«t A'hcn eo«tsng , cbrkM from » U>c&\ firm vtnte. admittmt i tlur sn.*«irtictur, who J» « iMtle unlottliit. refuwrtl to teueh "wcab" scholar*, ana tfinijmcd. wblto the tmdft oolan »t«- , tWnis Mrtkk on the sumo r.lnhi and l>!ck«HO() tho heit «o that othent could I oot aucnd, ,

Ntf rnJun is su opposed^-to ,t* "tie-Ufp* as- a party about to b<j hangod. ' ' ; - A cat whoße kittens had been poisoned by Her owner, a tailor at Hr<*ilau, Germany, Attempted to commit sulcido by jumping Into the river. Shu was rescued ami locked m v room, but escaped, and again Jumped Into the water find was drowned. "Critic" suppoßes all her nlno lives suicided at once. ■ • • • A coal-heaver last week was delivering- a couple of sacUa ot coal at a house m Chrlstcliurch when the lady of tbe house asked him vhat h<a name was, "Joo Ward.*' ho said. "Oh," said the lady, "it seems to me I've heard that name somewhere before." "Quito likely missuß," explained the coalle, ( "you must 'aye. I've been drlvin* this coal cart' for five year now." Much amusement was caused at j Navan district Council meeting by o letter from a tenant of ••■ one of their cottages, who complained that though ho had applied to have the cottage painted, whitewashed, and disinfected, this had not b«m done. Declaring that his wedding was approaching, but that the prospective bride had refused to marry him until the cottage wna put In repair, he broke Into verse as follows: — Inside its walls she won't i;nier, She told me that once xud for all, TIH its paintings am all put m order. And the microbes removed from the wall. The rent collector explained that tho tenant owed him £1, and tho council ordered thai tho poet bo brought before the magistrates. • • • ■• ■ • As a good (Jpal '"* Bal l on tlie "Object or cable bloomers It Is intc-reailng to recall an instance m which the cable taklr mlfjht easily havo olunderod with consequences too Appalling to contemplate The Hour war wwt on the point of breaking out when a moaaago was roecived m the following mysterious terms: "Brown recognised kudy Smith tarred nnd feathered." At first night it looked as if some individual named Brown had recognised Lady Smith, despite tha fact that her ladyship had tw«n tnrrod nnd feathered. Then an alternative suggested Itself, namely Unit Brown had bvun reconniHcd by l-'itly Smith dewplte tlio fact that, he was Wrred and fonthered. Tho only point at all etwir wa» that some one had <ie<m mudo /.orgeous. .A careful study of thp gnxoteer and the files at lam revealed the fact ihat Ladystnith wan the numa of a town m Natal, and that Brown was an informer who had fled .to the Hand. The situation was saved! * $ * "Critic" haw long be<sn of opinion that the cry of Yankee hustlo was all ho much "guff," ami now Mr». Alec Tweodle com«« along and eonflrmu his suspicions.. Tn her new book, "America. A* 1 Saw It," sht» inersil«wily attaokH what she rogarda u« th« myths of TransaUnntle enersry and hu«U& Amerlea.ni«, she wIU Uuv« it, am realty slow, despite iliftir ftffectttUon of fsverInh activity. They "wait for hour* In tKirbcrs* »h<n»« to J»et shaved, and 101 l about on nofan during tho nroce**," Th«»y wjH stand m "<jueu«* to Imvp their boot* bliicked, and sit In rows at ttll nourg of the night and day In hotel JounjjoA" The woman, we t%tt aawurcd, nr«» ju*l a* »lcm* nnd w>t»teful of. Tim« uvor mrtnlcurt*. "hair drill, >* t**,* »>«»*•- --ivjte. and general MUvntton, Hoth »«xp«, too, are unpuneutal. nnd Uma a ia*eai deal of ttm& lJvri>u«th Oil* faUUM*. In order to RAUi»fy hU conw:J*?neo as to the*c tnattvw, however, «hf* avonwre AmisrStsfta insist* un "hu»tiin£" m dothif bualneia, .catching car*, find rating bin me&i«. It la. Mrs. Twe*dic coqjUd«r», a more poso.

• To a woman admiration la -llko champagne—the more she (sets the more she wants. " "Critic" notices that the "cabby" T»over complains of bis working conditions. His business is always driving. Earthquakes will be mastered m time. The future New ;Zeaiand mothers will probably utilise them for rocking their babies. : < • ■ * * ' .■'■. A South Canterbury couplo named George Betta. and Louisa Well w«ro recently married. Louisa was Well; but now she is Betta. You cannot educate tho people and at the same time ask them to live un~ under conditions with which they were content when they ware thoroughly uneducated. • • • A contemporary records the marriage of a couple In America who had been courting for Ufty years. "Critic' surmises the poor old chap had sot too feeble to hold out any longer. • • « An English magistrate has placed it on record that whenever his wife felt depressed she wont on a railway journey without buying a ticket— tbe ticket collectors soon roused her up. « ' • • Signs of the limes. A lady wearing a mule pyjama suit was seen taking an airing on the balcony of a WHlls-slveet hotel the other morning, white aa tbe Main Trunk train steamed out of the Thorndon station "Critic" observed two ladies m a sccond-ohus carriage smoking cigarettes, and ft goatteman sitting opposite them was knitting & stocking. •■■ • • During the slump after the bund boom, tho head of a department m one of th« large drapery firms found Mmaelf &>m«wh&t embarrassed financially. Mo was, really, fairly well-to-do, aa his f urniiuro was well over tha & 250 mark, and he owned tho houso he lived m. and was drawing renta from a couple of houses m addition. Th« stringency of the money iiarket, hourover, put him In <i bit of a corner, but not sufficient to warrant such a thing as a bill of mile or a mortgage. In his difficulty, he thought that ho would consult his employer, who was ono ot iho "unco #uld"~~ ono of those bolltoppcred, frpek-coatod gentlemen, who take great intwasl m Sunday school work, aro vor>' concerned about th« welfare of tho heathen and who attend church tvrico every Sawbath to f«rvontly thank God that they «r<» not a* other mon are. So ho visited th» Kreat man In bis office, «xp)A4n«<l tfi« clrcumaUMioeji a«d tu»kett for advice. The ploo« one- tb»?u«ht t^t a f«w minutes. doubUess inwardly praying for divine guidance, and then wJd, "1« your property m your own nume?" "Yen," was the reply. "I* iber* any morigago on iir* "Not a txmnyplecc,*' Tn who**? name i« tho furat* turet* "My ownt" "I'&cn, my advice \», get U>ft wbpl« Jot vrnoaforrMi to your wife's wiwft." "I'ardon me, «lr, H said the nurprJJHsd employe "I tun not looking for a vay m whlcto U» d«rf«ar m y or«dH<trj»- Th« diffkulty In onl/ tomporary." "Ah, w«n/' replied th« uyuj of 004 "H l« well to on prepared for con«J«mHck>« In thUi uncwrtaln w^rld. On« n<m>r know« *nat may bupiwtu" Ti>« n-trratoi 4 of the story «<»l4. "I l«iv<i «.'<>rk«*l frtr that »twn» t\*r H ncore «ME -y«*r*, and huv« alway* held him m Mj&h re*p».jot. I w*j* 4am«wbftt lUblHrjOMiied to find thnt his buflSnmti* and retigtouii iamincw **r*i at opp»>»iu polett. He «hatt«re4 my f«4tb In him.** And *> it goo*. "Raik4« uttio DMwftr*' o»iy wheii y«u.'4«i forced to. Kc«p your coascicnco for Sunday parade.