The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 441, 6 December 1913, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention In the Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye, And ' Mother Grundy's rage defy?

Farming is a "lot-o't-rye."' ■■ ■ . ■ * .-■■'♦■ • ■ Even the most truthful will lie at night. .'.'"•■■ '■■■■•■■■■ . • •■•■ The social scale is the place where they weigh money. . ••• • • Don't g-ivo the devil his due. You ; are apt to give yourself away.

Nothing exceeds like excess. • • ;•.■'■.•■' Cupid is awalater, and. Love at "best is a mug's game. ■■ ■'■»'." ".. • • , ■■■■ •''.:■;':. ■■ Trouble is the only thing you can borrow without' security. ■ '* . ' '• ; . .'■ ■•: ' : . " " Money may' make the mare go, but Li more often develops the nag m Iho home. ,' ■ • . ■ i . ..' •.' Many; divorce suits have had tijeir beginning m a bathing suit. Are you listening, you < married meririaids?, '■•■"'' ■ .•• •■':'.••.•■ "■ " -•"' '' A contemporary says that "marriage is the riskiest thing In the world." "Critic" is of opinion that it isn't half so risky as love-making. An actress m the -laud. cfCookod Coon recently insured, her eyes > ■:% pr DO.OOO dollars. Vain puss. She does place ai^ enormous price upon her looks. ■■■'■!• .;' „ •■' • • ♦ -. - A certain sdur suburban ebomalo, who objected to young me<i calling to 400 the, pretty sorvaot iglrl, ailvertlsed %ie OUier week for an ugly young woman. Now she complains that ser-? vaht girls are "dreadful Bcarce." . Maclame Curie, .the discoverer *ol raditfm, was among the recipienU? of Honorary degrees at the University ot Birmingham. Sir Oliver L.odg» said she was the greatest woman of s«vi»nco of all; time. Yes, Curie is, scientifically, hot stuff. . ....•.•■"■■ '..'■'' • ' ■ ■• \ . ' .•. ," '. ■ Ernest Barry gives the skinflint London sports a nasty Jar. In accepting J»m Padtfon's challenge tf row for the titje on September next for £500 aside, Ernie tells Jamie that ho must look to his own friends to pay his exes, to the Thames. In the good old clays when there were sports m England, a trifle of a 'hundred, quid would bo easily provided for any challenger of the world's champion sculler. Ah, well, wo get older, and meaner.

Lots of people who cling toy the an- i chor of hope so down m the mud. ' A man is often a ■woman's toy, to • be thrown aside when he is broke. ■• • ■ • • ! A bon. mot is something you always ! think of when it is too late to say it. ! •■ . .. ' « • Some men are not content with ' letting their money, talk. They want it to use a megaphone. While you may not be able to lead a man to water, you seldom have to ask him twice to have a drink, j ':. •' . .-.■■- .;. t The dear creatures used to say: ; "Let's put on our things and go out." Now they say, "Let's tako off our things and go out." Beer and bullets. Sir Robert Lucas- j Tooth has contributed £00,000 to .further the national training of British boys. To drink beer? ' ' • ." : ■•'.'■ ■■'.'■•' A man narrowly missed being jugged for stealing a laddjjr the other* day. Ho evidently intended to get a step higher m the world. .•■■.■ * .■'•. '•■■ ..•'■■ "Wasn't I alone talking to myself?asked a defendant at the Court the other day. ,"YW- said the "John 'up, "and I said to myself, 'Thore'a a couple, of fools: the 13na.11 that's talking and the man he's talking to,'" ' : ;■ - • • .■' ."•■•.■■■•'. "The famous CJuelph treauures" (says a cable) "which were 'tempor-;irllX-V;<Jb^Vf.y.«tf to England; iii ! the y^ar lSw, are to be i removed bank to their original resting place m /Brunswick." Is poor otd John Bull really scared of a German invasion, or is he ouying peace w^htmV honor? ■ •. - ',"•'■' • ' George Bailoy, fhe strik a leader, just liberated, from the^Terraco .Oapl, is a native of Guernsey; Old "Bill" doesn't regret having been there and for what he was, but he does Just wish the "Terrace" was m his island home of Guernsey. According to an exchange a man who has been In Guernsey prison for tea months has had to be "evicted." He liked tho placo so well he wanted to become a permanent boarder. Thoy stripped him and deposited his clothes und belongings outside and told him to go out and get them, intending to shut the gate on him when they got him out. . But ho wouldn't risk it* so they Carried his naked body out and i left It beside the clothes.

»A boon to the thrifty j»an~ft foo| and his"money k V - v . TNte man who dies young will not bo obliged to dye whon ho Is old. ■ -• '■•*-."■' * -.*■■■ -j In Wellington It's a good vrind that dbesn't blow dust In somebody's cyjds. ■ >. ■ • • ■■ •:• .: .... •■. • •! . Epitaph on a motor-car speeder: No more he'll run a buna machineGone where they use no gasoline- i ,'..-;. still another ! Mary bougiu a Httio ham, And shaved thin slices off it; And on it, m her lunch nwms, .now, j She mako a thumping profit. . ■■-■■-". * « - * ■>' . . ' : An invalided "sptm-holl" going home Jn the train to Eketahuna, asked If he had a, good time In Wellington, fepHed, "Yes, 'but, as Tennyson the poet sa^s/ 'Things are not always v what they seem.' I used to wonder what ho meant" Then he added significantly, "Now 1 knowJ" ♦ • ' • A friend of "Critic" says that he doesn't think It is right for a man to shako hands with his left hand. But, supposing his rip lit is ampuuitod? ho was askctl. "Oh, then, his left would be rlghu" "ho rop"Ued. "Critic" can't help pointing out also Uu»t if it was his left hund was amputated, his right would be loft, -* • ■ • • •■• Ada Reeve, who hna.bwn hlr^d for an Australian tour by Smackiustoush, has been awarded £300 damages against Oswald Stoll, manager <>f tho Moss Empires Vaudeville circuit m England. Shd declined to nppcar at a Newcastle Mall, and tho Mosslt-a bill' ed an Indian wrestling turn Instead. As she drew £200 ft tve#lc, and th<t nigs, only £40, she reckoned i«. a professional insult, and proceeded to ; gatlior m tho«Mosß. » •- .• ! An ndmirer of an old veteran named. \ Francis McCann has uikon t»«c»»ptlon to "Critic's" littlo bit of humor which appeared m thesu coiumn» auent Phillip McCann last week. But tho admirer, a Scot, may have soon tho point of tho Joke by now. However the difference between Franals and Phillip 1h that Fisher nwver «fot Francis tho job of messenger. Ho got !t on his merits— -which. "Critic" might add. is something most unusual. 9' 9 m No doubt Turkey Is going (Iwn hill fast. Sho wants to buy a. Dreadnought, «nd la actually proponing u> pay cash for It! Sound tho.Joud ilmbrel; — Tho shadows of decadency Are falling, thick and murky, Upon thai Uvnd ol LO.H.'s. Dead brokt and Rpt-ndth?Ut Turkty. Once, when wo sold her anything, Wo gu«»wd it mMnt a \tmtt for us— Uut now «he"« m«h and talking cash. The- iiudou by tho Bwphorus. ■ • • "A tfcotsby-icrrler" writes "Critic": Recently I finitcd N'orucwood for tha Arst timt> and being anxious to procure a "Truth" approached a gentlenum standing at tho door of the local newtrtigenfit, whom I took to p« tho owner, and anked him jf ho ha 4 "hi«t Saturday.i Truth' on hand." Ho rcplM. "You don't w*m lo know who I am? Inm not the newsagent. I am Uic local Bcot«byt«rlan '.nlnJujer, There will be eervico here next gund.iy at eleven a.m.. also a church concert to-morrow nl^hu Should you care to come along? W's ar<j charging S«. sndlt will bo the be*i you have evor ht-iifU. We arc v«r>* ahxi — -.*'' l*Vl ♦ dM not wall to he#r any raorv, but preclpiwicly rtcd the cccoe:

A sign of good tooth — constant laughter. •'•'"./'•'-■ ' ' • •■ A noisy body of water—-Marlbor-ough Sound. • '"■• ■•'■'. • "It is bettor to bo up and "doing," than to be down and done • . . .. • ■ • A man named "Gentleman" wua fined for swearing at a lady. '♦ ....'. • ', ■ ♦« - Intellectual fynst — Massey and Herdman entertaining an idea. ' ■': '■'•■■■• ■ •.; "■ :• Tho strongest woman In the world--tho ono who can hold her tongue. • ' • • To gej. rich quick depends not so much on tho greatness of your industry as tho littleness of your conscience. * . • • '• You can never know what truo tiappinoss la until you aro married. But "Critic" is Afraid It will then be too la to to appreciate it. ,• * • "You'll excuse mo. sir, but I forgot myself," is how a roan apologised who walked open-eyed Into "Critic** "Critic" said ho was excused because it -was so easy to forget what Avnan't worth remembering. « • • At Brentford, a woman osUed tho magistrate for advice, as she had been turned out of her house. ''Why?" asked tho magistrate. "Ono too many," she replied, holding- up an infant |a her arms. • • • Tho now soap-boy m a local bar. bers tucked tho towel neatly under Pat's Biubhly chin, and thun asked him politely. "Have you your own mug?*' "You Utllu spalpeen." said Pat. 'did ya think J go about wld another felly's fuco on?" • • • Tho British Government says it baa reeognlmtd llucrta us President of Mexico because ho m tho only man ablo to lteop order. It is ihu way In which ho docs it, though, that la the trouble. Even tho simpio plan of killing M.H tho disorderly folk has »is drawbacks. »» • w Tho "Westport Nows" quotes with approval tho following statement which it attributes to an Auckland detocUve: Drivers of motor cars m Auckland seem to assume that ul! they have to do is to blow their horn and to loav« It to the arllity ot the unfortunate pedestriun to get out of tho way. And If tho "nrlliiy" of tbo unfortunate pedestrian is insuUlclent for tha jtmergeocy, what then? "Critic" »»>p. poses It will then be a. quvsilon of "•Urillty," • ■ ■ • Jack Cann, N.S.W. Lauorsfcitc. rn?u'atains that: A man who e»t ?» « «*ay three yearn ago now n>coivt v « &*. but If they took the diminishing value of it, say U fid. tho worker was still 6d a day b«uw oft". This Is nomethiflg for » Government lo boast of; -ft O<Hf«rnn»bnt whw© <>ntry into iKilltJCur power »a« JuraWsd with uuch Jubilation by <»c voriura, Aftw thrco y«>*r*. »h<? wyri^ern liav# jgfttmd 6d R toy. A iw»n. hto wif«, htod tour ehildrtn now gel ft ixinny !«r Iday mot* than th»>y did before tho on« I lt y ot «he Hard 1-abor Gov<riunteni. It ] would be' $n<cr*jitiiMt 10 know bow i^ng I v will b« M thiii d<ratw<nUe pjee intntt Mhl« eronk nn<J cr<^»Ked poim^tt party \*rH\ bring the hwum nuUenoiom. if ' Jack Cann thldknhup*nK«lith<i wotU* i,»r» much long«r with nwli guff j-o'ii I rtn«i much sooner th&u. bo cxpcci* that } ,j*©k Caa'U