The Gritic.

NZ Truth, Issue 416, 14 June 1913, Page 1

The Gr i tic.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention In the Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye, : And Mother Grimdy's rage defy? . .

A Canterbury farmer calls one of his pigs Maud because it will come into the garden. . . ' . • ■ • '•" "There areMraw backs to every man," says B. Telling. He might have added —and the greatest drawback is the want of money. "'..■. ' • ■' ■ •■•■■• The words of John Trovena apply very pertinently to the mad desire for some fora of light amusement— the lighter the better. He says: "Make a neat epigram and two people m a hundred laugh; clap a false nose on your face and bray like an ass, and ninetyeight split their sides." . ■ ■'.: / V .' * '■■ '• ' ■ Apart from Australian bullocks, shirt studs are. responsible for as much lurid language as any object 'm the Tvorld— especially on a cold winter's morning when one has . "slept m." A London father has found a new use for a baby and a safe repository for the stud He dropped that very elusive article of attire down the baby's throat. He lost the baby, but recovered the stud. . • * • "Things at Home are exceedingly prosperous at the present time," reported the Hon. James Allen on his return to his office stool m the Treasury Department, which he, as yet, has not had an opportunity of warming. "Certainly they are having labor troubles; but, like the poor, we have always got such troubles with us." The honorable gentleman need not fear and become pessimistic. Those troubles will not always be with us any more than the reactionary Ministry of which he is, the first lieutenant, if not the actual chief. • - " The Defence Department seem to be Still muddling things up. Recently a young territorial was, summoned to appear at the Waimate (S.) Court for neglecting parades. He was, at tho time, stationed at Glenburn, m Central Otago. To obey the order of His Majesty's Court, he had to walk seven miles, coach 14 miles, and then train 81 miles to Dunedin. Thence he caught the Christchurch express, and was on the spot to answer his name v^hen called by the Court orderly. In all; he had travelled 212 miles. Tha Magistrate decided that the excuses were valid and dismissed the case, awarding the youngster £2 2s expenses and £1 is solicitor's fee. The feelings of the District Officer should b« akin to the fellow who fell out of the aeroplane. '

The "world moves. It probably finds it much cheaper to move than to pay rent these days. ' • ■■.•■' ' • -, '."."■■■ . ' A lengthy article headed "How to Manage a Wife," is going the rounds of the New Zealand papers. "Critic" didn't read it— no use. , * • • It. ls to be hoped that, with the death of Sir Alfred Austin, the poet laureatship will be abolished. It has long ceased to be considered as a recognition of merit. , The office is a travesty [on the sacred name of literature. * • • The Prime Minister says: "We have twenty bills to lay before Parliament when the session commences." Is that so? Sleep must have been a vanishing quantity with Ministers during- the last nine months, if they have found time to do all this m their intervals between travelling, banquets, social functions, mutual admiration meetings and what not. .■•• • • ■ Centralisation again! Oh, the nar-row-mindedness and insularity of the average New Zealander! Surely Nelson would be as suitable a spot as Wellington 'for an effective Solar Physics Observatory. Yet rumor has it that a Wellington "push" is trying to divert Mr. Cawthron's fine gift to the north side of Cook Straits, at the imminent risk of New Zealand losing such a desirable addition to her scientific apparatus. * • * For the last six months the Government has been crying shortage ot funds, yet there seems to be no end to its extravagance Jn the smaller details of administration. The Publio Service Commissioners afford a case m point, with their luxurious suite of rooms, and expensive staff of secretaries and clerks. Another case is tho; new "fad" the Minister of Education has developed — the physical training of the school children. Officers have been appointed whose salaries total £2400 a year. In the name of all thut is sensible, what is the good of physically developing children when you hoard them for five hours a day m buildings not fit to stable a horse. Three Wellington schools stand out prominently m this connection— Ta Aro, Mt. Cook and Mitchelltown, The two latter are specially notorious for their dingy surroundings, smoky chimneys, and germ- infested, grime-cover-ed walls. Fancy deep- breathing exercises In such rooms].

News Item: "Battleship New Zealand at the BlufL Anchored off Sir Joseph Ward's constituency." ; Pity Sir Joe is not home now to point prondly to our gallant defender, and say to his constituents, *^My ship!" • • ' ■■• • .. ■•* .■• • • A young lady employed m a Christchurch millinery establishment Jjad a painful fall a few days ago. She was standing on the top of a step-ladder putting the finishing touches on a latest creation m feminine hats, when she slipped and fell to the floor, a distance of 12 feet ■■;.'.'■• .•,'■•■■•■"'■•. ■ Will Crooks, M.P., is of opinion, as regards- the' working man, that his grandfather kne-sv^ poverty; his father knew the cause of it; and the working man of to-day knew the remedy for it "Critic's" comment , is— Perhaps he does know it; but be is too thoughtless and" indifferent to apply it. Given unity of actioni the remedy would be a cure m a very short time. ■ •.'•■' • ,*.'.'.•■ The poor, robbed and 111-used landlord again— his spoliation by the detestable socialist The. following is culled from an Australian contemporary I- I—Three1 — Three acres of land were required m Central Queensland for railway purposes. The rich landlord asked £400 for the lot. ; The Government offered £60, and when the matter was contested before the Land Court, the verdict was that the land was worth £35! The rich landlord is a great patriot — on platforms;' but he > will bleed his country -tb the ultimate drop. ■ : ■•* -:. . ♦ ' . * ■ •'.. : T/V : A'^]|rfrl'"in -Pa^rie^rl^ J aged'--17< attempted to commit suicide 'last weeK by taking poison. This is surely an early stage for life to become wearisome. Youth and inexperience are not the best companions for a journey to the Great Beyond (to use the girl's own expression). This brings to mind the case of the man who did himself to death. on Wellington Town Belt some years ago. When found ' there was a. note m his pocket to the effect that h6 was tired of life^-along with the note was £18 m hard cash. What a glorious time some people would have had with that £I'Bl ■'■ ■ ■ ••■ : * :..•:•■.' •1 have been a sideman for many years, and it almost makes me sick, when taking round the offertory, to see people who willingly give 10s for a seat at the opera, feel m their pockets for the smallest coin when the bag is put before them." So said one of the speakers at the annual meeting of parishioners of Christ Church, Wanganui. Why get sick? Why grumble? It is only a matter of value received. The opera-goer feels that he gets his moneys worth m refined and elevating amusement . He gets the best the world can give' him. The church-goer also pays for what he gets. The churchman, as ■, a- rule, is a capable judge of values. . In. spite of the popularly accepted opinion that wholesale fear has seized upon the privileged classes employed In Government Buildings through the inquisitorial methods of their Lordships, the Public Service Commissioners/evidences of the existence of the. "Government stroke" are everywhere apparent. At a quarter to twelve on Saturdays a general restlessness pervades the offices; at 10 minutes to, the, passages begin to fill; at five minutes to, there is a general exodus. 'Say there are 600 hands 'employed, and the general knock off time is 10 minutes to the mid- day hour. Here are 6000 valuable minutes (100 hours) lost to the country. No warehouse or other business could stand such . a waste m its clerical department. Rumors are rife as to happenings after the July Conference of the United Labor Party. One is that a coalition with Sir Joseph Ward will be the result If so, well and good. But here again, a title obtrudes its obnoxious nose. Should Sir Joe, during the time he has been m the outer darkness of Opposition, have learned the lesson that he deserted the people, and not the people him, there are immense possibilities m such a combination. The madness of Jingoism, during the bad old Boer days, the Dreadnought dementia, the feverish hunt for titles and other social distinctions, put tho party of progress back 10 years. The Only hope is to return to the policy of Ballance, and set New Zealand, onco more, on the track of emancipation from those fetters which have been placed upon her by old-world ideas. b tt m Tho convalescence of Sir James Carroll (how much better" Jimmy Carroll or Timi Kara look and sound) j and the bitter quarrel between King George V. and .his Queen Mother bring : buck reminiscences of that gloriou3 "jag" for Governors, Ministers, mem- .; bers of Parliament, and privileged State officials — the visit of the Duke and Duchess of Fork. What has become of those priceless treasures that j were laid at the feet of a King-to-be ■ by our loyal and open-hearted Maori : friends? Sir James , Carroll, an au- I thority on pakeha and Maori customs, must surely Havo lost his head — cool and imperturbable as he is on ordinary occasions — when he allowed such desecration to taKe place. What an attraction these heirlooms of a dying race would prove to a fitting National Museum which must" be erected; ia, tho n«ar future* - -• .

It is awf utiy hard to realise that a woman is an angel when one sees her pick up the clothes prop, 14 feet long, to drive a two-ounce chicken ont of the garden, ' , • • A health journal says that you ought t6 take three-quarters of an hour for dinner. . "Critic" finds, that It it also just as well to add a piece of meat and a few . vegetables. » * ♦ The Auckland Irishman is nothing if not patriotic, and is going to, make a big splash when the Irish Parliament announces that it is open for business. The Celtic Society is going to charter an ocean steamer, to take Shamus, Mike, Patsy, Bridget, Mary and the childer across to Erin's Isle to witness the .opening. Erin Go Bragh! . . ; • • • Sir John Findlay presided at Mr. Joseph McCabe's lecture m the Opera House on Sunday night last. ■ What does this portend, the wooing of the electors of a Wellington constituency next year, or his renouncement of Wbwserism ? The "Sir" looked very awkward amidst Socialistic surroundings. Plain "Jock" Findlay, LLJX would hare fitted the scene with more congruity. The. affixial letters were the result of merit and honest effort. The ex-Upper House nominee looked as' if he wished that titular prefix m Hades. • ■ . .* * Rumored that two young Westland prospectors have discovered very fine deposits of marble' on the shores of New Zealand's picturesque Sounds. Hero 18 a chance for our Fat Government to help "Froputty." By working the show itself . there could soon be established "Marble Bars" rivalling Sydney's famous and favorite .pub, and palatial, marble-faced buildings would relieve the gloom of our dingy, dreary, and depressing Capital City. In this connection, It is well-known among the old miners of the West Coast that along the slopes of the Southern Alps there exist vast deposits of valuable minerals— antimony, scheelite, asbestos—not to speak of gold and silver. Why does not the Government do more to encourage the sturdy, enterprising sons of the miner to prospect this little known region? * • • THE ONE THING NEEDFUL. LONDON. The Parisian press condemns the conduct of the suffragettes, and offers tho explanation of their behavior to the fact that the majority of them ars. unmarried. "If tho element of love entered into their lives," says one newspaper, "their present action would be impossible." Ob, tell me, do these ladles crave For Parliamentary interests grave? For Constitutional reforms?. For Legislative gales and storms? For Government on some new plan?. Or do they only want — husbands? . iDo strange erotic qualms within Impel them m their course of sin, ' At painting statues, hurling bombs, Destroying chapels, churches, tombs? • Or do the arguments they use Just Indicate they need — marriage? Arc long and weary "hunger strikes,"* t Incarcerations behind spikes, " ■ Harsh summonses by loud court criers j The pinnacle of their desires? , !Do these their vital forces 'sap, Or are they craving for — a spouse? Do all these tricks that hurt and vex ' Just represent tfie cry of Sex? Maternal Instincts unassuaged, That ficrco unnatural war have waged? If Jaques Bonhommo bo right (don't scoXT),< Fjor Go^fa safefe marry 'em-Btraisntoff 1

A professional maxim for;, lawyersr-i •Whatever you do, .do It with yon^ might," Many a member of the profession has made a fortune by working with a will. ■"'/'•■ m. v ' " .-• ■ . "Friendship is one of the cheapest of pleasures,'* says A. ,C Benson m. hid book "Along the Koad." Thomas Geary, of Hamilton, has cause to think otherwise. One of his "friends* re-< lieved him of_£s, and decamped witK the money. three months' im-< prisonment without the option—^. pooQ recompense for Geary. What a tribute to Wowser-ridden New Zealand! Mr. Justice Dennistori says "Perjury is rampant m the country." Is this one of the restdts of the tactics of our kill-joy theological friends? Youth naturally seeks pleasure, and, if repressed, will find- it by means that are sneaky and deceitful— « certainly a long distance on the road towards unblushingly swearing falsely, m the presence'of the Law. • ■ " • •■ ■ « A Southern exchange says that ait Australian Banking Co. doing business In New Zealand, has £ 1,000,000 available for lending purposes m the Dominion, and is prepared to deal liberally with clients. How is it that nothing has been heard of it m Wellington? A very large portion of it coul4 be absorbed here immediately, and on good security too. One financial institution m the town, wishing to Increase its overdraft, offered four times the amount m gilt-edged security. The banker said that if the security was ten times the amount he could not advance a single penny. . • . * * ' I A SPASM OF STOUSH. '", (A suburban cleric, m reviewing the number of boxing matches which have recently been held m Perth (W.A.), loudly denounced the art as brutal* and deplored the fact of the press devoting large space to the reports of boxing bouts.) Lift thy hands, O! gentle brother^ Baise thine eyes to Heaven's light; Hold thy gamp well o'er thy features, Gaze not on the sinful fight. > Is it not m Bible printed: Turn thy phiz to him to smite. ; Though the biffer fiercely stoushes. : Till thine eyes are black as night? ' Large the crowds, Ol large, deaij brethren, x Who attend a wicked scrap, " While the church is one and empty— i Void will be the plate mayhap. For these sinning wicked lambleta, Straying from the probite fold. Give their shining trays and tamrenl To the fight promoters bold. Fancy if some of out maidens In the wicked paper saw, •Stead of news about the sermon. Lines and lines of flowing gore I How he ladled out a "slogger," Then swung m a "dirty right"—; O! It causes me to shudder, When I read about a fight. "Sending m a smaslilng lefter, Then ho caught him on the point,*' O! dear maidens this is ghastly — Let us leave the sinful joint. Great the sin and tribulation Follow all who feint and spar, 'Stead of kneeling m tho chance! Hard they biff— then breast the* bar. O! tis sinful, O! most sinful, For younger men to biff and hit. And it makes a parson tearful, When ho reads the paper's skit You should end your little squabble* 'Neath the altar's canopy— Hand m hand and gently praylno, j gin* Am^ajid,jbj W8X b ftt^Z^'