DULL DUNEDIN.

NZ Truth, Issue 351, 16 March 1912, Page 4

DULL DUNEDIN.

THAT PROPOSED PROCESSION

Livening up a One-horse Town. i ■ ■ . •

Some Poiuts and Suggestions.

[From "Truth's" Dunedin Rep.]

> It would take about four tons of - Curtis and Harvey's best blasting 3 powder, conveniently planted under i the steeple of the First Ivirk m the , holy city of Dunedin and touched off 1 -skillfully by ' some : Cousin Jack, to i f -rouse dour Scotchbyterians to any 1 pitch of interest, , let alone en.th.us- * iasni, over anything. Peripatetic at--2 tempts have been made by various i sanguine parties to make Dunedin , take an interest m itself, but they - have had as. much effect as a halfi pint of shandygaff would have on a i;' Takatoa "reformed" drunk. b For instance, some time ago some r hopeful parties, who richly deserve a f halo and a gold, watch (with the re- - version, of a vacancy m SeaclifTe j Asylum) v started what was known euphemistically as "THE HUNDRED. THOUSAND CLUB." i, The object of this wonderful organi isation was that the holy city should 1 increase and multiply until it reachj ed that numerical stage, so that it b could take premier place amongst the I cities of the "Oweminion." Of course, . such minor details as lack of mii come and employment, dear house 1 rents, and lack of inclination to un--1 dertake the responsibility on ihi crease were hastily passed over by : the wonderful promoters as being too 3 paltry for consideration. As a con- - sequence, principally on account of - the miserable rate of wages generally 3 adopted by the canny Scotchbyterian , employers, ;the project fell as flat as i one of Massey's speeches, and Dune- - din' -absolutely refused to .increase i worth tuppence. - The latest move on the part of ; the "public-spirited 'citizen" is one j to "beautify" the various reserves - which hang- m and about tho holy b city. Dunediri's reserves are mostly r big dust pits or wildernesses of . paper bags and jam tins, and they want a lot of "beautifying" — m fact, , nearly as much of the same article , as the city grandmothers require of common sense and freedom from departmental favoritism. ' ■■ Therefore, Dunedin is going . to . hold what it calls "The Citizens' Garden Fete," said fete being termi ed "A carnival of music, merrymaking and entertainment," p-ccording. I to the extensive advts., with a view * to prising off the necessary dollars from the populace, to get a few loads 3 of earth to cover the jam tins and to purchase a few . chrysanthemums 1 and cauliflowers to ornament the '- spot where the deceased, jam tin ~ takes its last long rest. ' j Amongst the items on the pro- ' ! gramme is a GRAND MOTOR CAT! PROCESSION 3 and "Truth," knowing the inanity J ! and want of variety m the usual J | procesh m Dunedin,, would suggest to i ) the authorities of the fete, a few " | tips, which would make the procesh i I aforesaid something to be rememberI- j ed m the annals of the holy city. Here is the idea which "Timth" has , of the component parts ot a nice, up--1 to-date procesh of topical interest : "j I. Booth's band, blasting out that 'grand old national hymn, "Come !" .Where There's Plenty of Booze for | All." Band to be flanked by female ; brigadiers and colonels armed with " ' tray-bit tambourines and a smile. I j Each passer-by to part up a thruinj mer or to be compelled tt> inarch--5 100 yds alongside the big drum between two colonels aforesaid. This ought to provide £50 easily. i 11. Another band ; any old band - will do ;, but preferably the South 3 j Dunedin branch of Booth's tuneful - ; tray-bit trappers, for noise. Three 1 ' paces behind, representative members »' of the Women's Kerristian Temper--3 ; ance Onion, with Mr £369 4s 6d - ! Adams and Boy Bedford m the lead, , i bearing banners inscribed "What's , ;the Matter With Father ?" and a de--3 tailed account of the £369 'Is 6d ) ; aforesaid. 'Also, a large-sized reprol ; duction of Clause 9 of the Licensing i ; Act, which King Dick wanted to try i ! on. \ 111. The City Council, ' HEADED BY MAYOR BURNETT, ' bearing banners showing the insaui- ■ tary state of .the public reserves, the : verminous state of the iire^ brigade ' station, and the obsolete public con- » ; veniences. Also a large banner, s ; showing the state of the city iihan- j ' ces, and another one showing one of Alexander's trams on a wet day. 3 IV. The Eugenics Society, headed ~ by those physical giants professor * Benham and Canon C urzon-Siggers , " bearing a banner inscribed "A little bit farther on." ' V. The Acclimatisation Society. ; Members of the committee bearing a [ large banner inscribed "Who Shot ' r the Ducks ?" (Another brass band here, mostly BRASS.) VI. The Porridgebyterian Assembly '. carrying a life-sized example of Ori- ; ginal :sin with hell-fire, brimstone, 1 church mortgages, and other, neces- ; sary accompaniments. ' VII. The Drainage Board wearingsix inch drain pipes on theTr bells toppers, and riding on one of the St. t " Kilda sanitary carts. (Dunedin Pipe , Band here to distract attention and , to. act as a deodorant.) VIII. Otago Harbor Board, with j" Bill Belcher bearing a brand new dredge under each arm. Banner borne by London and Barclay inscribed "To Hell with the Expense;" i IX. Motor lorry with boxing- ring thereon. Mayor Ewing and Councillor Macdonald of St. Kilda having a 1 j twelve-round scrap for a pri?e °ot > j three hot pies and a pint of beer as ide.' side. : JOE ISAACS RWFEHEE. X. The Church of F-nglauil Cenic- - tery Trustees conducting- the inciner- , I ntion of the remains of a pauper '. ' with Sexton Scarfe officiatinc; as ' I ' master of ceremonies. (Another "hand '■ . \ here, with fumigating apparatuo and ' . ! an urn.) ! . j XI. The Rugby Union, headed by ! ill. H. S. White, bearing four sots nf I .silver-backed hair-brush c s and a ban-' , j ner l inscribed with the beer account. ! ! "Truth" puts forward the?:e few * suggestions as nn indication of what j 5 would make a real, up-to-dato pro- j •.'cession. .It certainly would meet - | with the approval of the public. t , n .l - would bring m quiu? ;-, l<u of coin : ? enough to br.ry tho Inst jam tin and | burn the last paper ba-^.