THE ERITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 334, 18 November 1911, Page 1

THE ERITIC.

yVVho can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, I I ' Oi note unmoved his mention in.the. Critic's page. V I I " . ". Parade has error m the'publie oye,-"" • —* **=■ v "~""trl |\ And Mother Grundy's rage defy ? ' 'SB

i m ii.au i^^^nror" J «rifc I* "*" m The spendthrift's motto— Save not, lose not.- , < ' » * '«. "' A thorn m the bush is worth two m the hand. . Pity without relief is like mustard without • beef.; . , > - ... * * » ;< - . ; A joke without salt is like beer without malt. •* \ • The way of a women at the' ballot box is something Solomon could not explain. i * > I It's a mean wife who steals a-. hue-band's false teeth aad starves him_ into submission. j * * * _> , Suitable gifts • for a gcdden wedding—A . vj wig, a pair of 'crutches, and" set' of 'false teeth. •- __• « « . Love^ is. the only thing m the worlii, and the '■ women who can't get it have tea instead. Men are very "~ like needles. No matter how . sharp th«y are, they are "not much us.q without push. »■-,», » Thus tho Hastings "Bulletin" : "Half Wellington <- is rotten with a loathsome disease — thanks to Mother Grundy and Simon ' Pure. It /is another phase 'of Prohibition." 'Phew ! you do get the truth sometimes. « -» - ** , *■ " .Z: - _ - , Thus the . "Waitara -Mail" : "The first 'drunk* for about four months was collared -by ; - Constable L^pouple yesterday. ■ This delinquent . has the ' uestionable honor ; of .being - the first to occupy the new cells, at, the po- 1 lice station." ' What a sensation a" dog-fight would create up'that way., 1, , Someone from Hawera has asked ("Critic" to explain what sort of a school "a Superior .Private "School"* is, considering the fact. that m the district there is . '_ a District High School, a " Convent,' a Technical School, and ' two; Private Schools.. Candidly, "Critic" • doesn't know, but probably it means a school for "naice" young people. • ' 7 _ ' Thus 'the Rangiora "Standard" -m a 'recent issue': "Will the Long Arm of the Law' Reach liim. — Up to the 'present ho -public knowledge of any trace oosf s the notorious Joseph Powelka has ,foeen made known. He, has .been ',at liberty for 301 clays, and apparently the police are, baffled completely. Will ttho long arm of the | law ever reach him, or is it' going ito be ariother Jonathan Roberts' case." "Critic" -will ask "the police. They ought to know. 'Joe Powelka doesn't play- the game. Apparently^ if Powelka "had " pals, those pals proved pals and not police pimps. tt , m ' ' m

PROHIBITION PROHIBITED.

-The electors of Maine have decided that their State shall be "wetM and not "dry:", > In., Prohibition's stronghold ' what a '. ' < ' lapse—' Broaching of barrels, turning on of ■ \. ',• ' taps ! ■ Which makes it clear wei must not » ' i make, .again , , . Pointless ,• .to a "watery'/ - Maine I ,

The natural employment of *vomea —Matchmaking. nom Some women keep their biithdays to themselves. * • * The acme of • disappointment-is satisfied vengeance. ■• v a "Altai-, 1 ' becomes ' '/halter" when BTymen officiates. ,_» c • A nod. is as good as a bow to' a I poor acquaintance. m tt m I Th<. one i great lottery office'recognised by the law is the 'marriage registry. . ' ■ * «• The common 'lot of all, '^whether ' drunk or" siober, , is to be screwed m , a coffin j * < - \ '■* ' / .• «i • "Prosperity tries us • more than ' poverty. But then wo all want to try prosperity. '" \- » a » . , 1 Haye you -never noticed t,hat the w'con'an of few words usually repeats, those few pretty often ? _ ■ '" i » • * i If a woman pays five /pounds for , a hat, she will generally tell her pals that it cost ten, and her husband that it cost .thirteen and elevenpence ha'penny. * ' . • ' » -^ »' We have some ' smart ' school-boys m Wellington. One of him, Bible 'm hand, the other day _? explained the difierence between the, "quick and the dead" thus : "The' quick is them that gets out of the way" of motors, and ' the dead is them as doesn't. v __. , i I A sportive female of 60 years of age is ' "coming out" in r the Ok-oua i electorate. The giddy olcl kipper ba.s never voted > "-"before, but as she is anxious l to turn the Government out of office, she's g,oing to vote. How like the Old Woman Opposition. ■.' ■ «• Some anonymous person- has forwarded to "Critic" .from Feilding a fcopy of "The Song' bf . Pelorus Jack," and invites criticism. As the songster adds "Sung „m nonsense to nis , picture," criticism would be superfluous. *- * * Victor Grayson, ,m the Bnglish "Clarion," says that the class war is real, and that the workers have ' to fight desperately for a crust. Wrong. There is no war; among 'the "classes.". They hang together. It's the dissensions amongst the masses which keeps the classes 'on top. ' ' " - \ According "to a local paper : '"A Masterton resident made a very interesting experiment the other morning. On going to his fowl run he discovered that two of the clutch of prize chickens had apparently been frozen to .death. They were stretched on ; the . ground perfectly rigid, with theiry eyes closed as m death. He took the. inanimate birds to his house, placed them m a warm wrap- ' per, and ,' inserted them m a gas stove. Iri„half an hour the chickens Were' running about the yard as though' -nothing had happened." Is this another "gee" for paper cooking? . ;' . . .

'* '''Bread and 'cheese ' and kisses" have - been/ superseded by "champagne, duck, " and' divorces." * c • Energy' shouldn't be misdirected. The .hen that sits on the door-; knob never hatches chickens.- - * . __« .« * When a husband \ doesn't arrive* home to dinner, it's odds on that it is one of his "fast" days. * . * . Between the . great things we cannot do, and the small things that we consider not worth doing, there is 'great danger that 'we shall do' nothing. X * ~ ' '* * "Substantial Government buildings are, St is understood,, to, be erected at Taihape," sujrs'the "Wairarapa Daily 'News." Said Government- buildings are : to be a lunatic asylum, or, as such' institutions are euphemistically ' called in' these Loanly isles,-" a mental • hospital. ■ "Critdc" records this fact, as the "Wairarapa Daily News"' omitted to do so — probably out of consideration for, "Die 'Happy.i' ,<^ • * B ( The frenzied water- waggoner had just concluded an outrageous slander ■on . publicans as a, class, when someone asked,- "Have . the publicans ever been convicted of \ furnishing false -income, tax returns ?" The frenzied one : "I have no figures on that subject." "Well, perhaps yoju can tell us how many wowsers have been convicted of dodging the income-tax?" The frenzied one's reply couldn't be v heard above the uproar. ' It' ,was 'a. "Churistchurch crowd and -they understood. - y/• • » The - beer-walloping ". orator m Cathedral-square, Christchnrch, invited „ questions, and got. a poser. A voice : "What about Noah,, the man saved m the Ark_to regeneate the . race;-— was he a ' I rohibitionist ?" Beer walloper (faintly) : •"He was while he ( was m the Ark." The voice : "Does not the Bible say," (follows how Noah celebrated his deliverance by getting squiffy *and\ acting m.a deplorably immoral manner). Beer walloper (with indignation) :. ' "You should not make such statements m pujbl'ic. Yoii" should have more considera- \ tion for the _. feelings , of your ' hearers."' The , voice •, "What? Not make statements from the Bible I Tt is written, 'Go ye into 'the highways^, and by-ways.' . Isn't- 'this a , Wighway?" But the beer walloper changed the 1 subject.'

JOSEPH TRIES TO ''MAKE GOOD."-

Sir Joseph Ward • «peaking at Win 7 ton, said he was ,not and never had been against horse' racing. | When bookies were shut- in the -raco ' course fast And good tips were barred m tho golden past We nailed our colors to tho bloomin* mast (Said colors woro the Qo,Vei_'--•mont's- trousers). Our flag fluttered klmlly tip'oh tViebreeze, Tho' the pants tlioy bagged fet t'hfe •much-worn kiveps, No divs. woro published oi. W-ivYiiinfc gee-goes ' | (We'd support from the 6UI Uulj^- ' Houscrs) . . ] I'm fond of a race and alNvoys h&Vo been, Tho' I'vo fattened rich clubs and killed tlie lean* \ If gambling's increased I doii't bat'c a bean.' , ' j i 7 cs'; you chn put it down to th<j wowsers.,

There no woman where ' reserve., Chess is nothing unless played s on. th© 'square.. "" . _. » * * .» * I_e£ everybody "regard as anenemy; the man who is nobody's enemy tiut his own. / \ * • . o s When the home is full of portraits of - the wife's family, you know, .who rules the roost. • When a woman says,. "TKere's no use talking, 1 ' ybu can settle down for a, long lecture. ' % , What does a man <_are about the old adage, * 'Faint heart 'never won fair lady/- t vr hen his. girl is a brunette ? - \ * o -. i "Critic" would like children better than he does even now, if they did-n't-show signs of growing jup, like the rest of ,us., '•. i- » * 'A pretty widow ' can make her annuity" of' a ■. couple of hundred go farther than the most thrifty housewife can half a thousand.. Some Chinese think- that women who wear shiort- thair will be transformed into' men m the future world. There's hope ' for the Suffragettes — m the future world. , - ' According -'to the local paper, gas m Eltham is" somewhat cheaper than m! 1 Whangarei. Well, s,o it ought to be, considering the politicians who are roaming about m the ' former district. . > ** ' » A bankrupt's book debts amounting to -£125 were ' put up f,or auction at Taranaki the other day, but " failed 'to elicit a bid. And some people wonder some chaps "file their shovel." » » « Is' a prison cell a public place ? A magistrate at Taihape held that it was, and convicted an ex-inm^te of using "lang.wedge" within the hearings of the public. Poor public; It must be protected even if locked up. From Tangihua comes news of the death, of a man -70 years of age who dropped dead while carrying milk to the cream-cart. The 'coroner decided that ' an inquest was amnecessary, the cause ' of death being senile decay. ' Even the milk industry, enslaves more than little children. * » y» WHAT ! v Grvunblo 1 Wo; what's thc good ft If it availed, I would . Uui it dowJn'l », bit--* Not it,'! l<"ight \ Vcsj oven Fate ) To mend' it y a novar too late ) Get 6UL bf tttfc tfUl- yOvOin. Ill— And VitU *» « * c tim\\ €>Ktel v iy Etelnprietf, of tlie WoiMfttoß. itegtsUme*** Court, has vcfc'&itty Vefo^ifi&i frb&i his upi_iK- h'r> ift %& aileiftpt lo grow 'a '''liib." Al>M>^oßj Uie following lines \veVe iieiiiißU by __ woll-known luwV6tt li&vfe tt&wlod out your duties m A \\ V A# we'vo aU admired ; Vou "luiSte kept tho strictest order, Autl o\\r confidont'o iuspired ; I3UI while we grant your energy, Your savoir Cairo,, and "g0,." -\ For goodness sako, Mend . Dompsey, Don't tfry to grow a "mo,.'^

A country paper, mentions that a supplier- at Ashburton v daily 'delivers a" ton of milk to the, factory, and enviously. Suggests that his . cheque wolild' be,- worth calling for. W|hat a demand there must be for cov/-juice iri the, "dry" district; it makes: the whisky palatable. ■* ' ' ' » • * * *' f A Balclutha paper m commenting, on the death of Miss Gibson, "who suicided by jiimping from a train because of the" alleged drunken parents, declares that / "the tragedy constitutes 'a , striking object lesson for prohibitionist's."- Quite so, they mustn't jump oil trains. "• » • r. L. M. Isitt 'has declared tbat he has n,ot received any remuneration as a* Christian minister for 20 years. A country exchange says that this proves Isitt to be a Christian. Does it ? To '"Critic's" mind it proves that being a Prohib. preacher - is a darned 'fine paying game. ■ » X Bruce is a casual sort of place, judging by the matter-o'-fact manner m which the local paper/mentions that a~ ' lay preacher didn't "turn up;* >to spread the j "Word, the other Sabbath. Anyhow;, when lay preachers fail to ,tuiai' up, it's a moral the collection isn't a considei*ation. i • » * Andy Carnegie has decided to give a pension of £8 a month to ,a man amed Toth of Pittsburg, who served twenty .years' of a life sentence for a crime of which he has now been found innocent. Oh, how Andy's conscience- must prick him. What, about the, capitalistic crimes of which he was guilty ? •• \ . ' "Whoever is acquainted with the nature of mankind m .general, or the propensity ,of his own, heart -m particular," said George Whitefield m! .one of , his sermons, "must . acknow- • ledge that seif-nghteousness is the* ■last idol that is out of his .heart." "Critic" recommends the study of these words to~the Rev.. Sim, who, ■ at the conclusion' of Professor Mills's address at tEe Wellinfe-f ton Town Hall on Saturday last,; said, "I am a Wowser, but, alongi with other Wowsers, I, am on the side of righteousness." "Critic'i would further quote Bacon to selfsatisfied' "Saint" Sim : "A bad nmri 'is worse when he pretends to be«6| • aint."' " *>- • a

• V - -YOU BST l r ■ • »

If a -lover meet a lover- on a. sum-* oner's da.y, i . v ' Strolling, through a quiet s . nieado.w,) sweet with new-inown< Eay ;. -/_,.» .If a lo ver , meet a lover, what ' I aslc 'is this c - * • ' Should a lover : gr.eet a loveri 'witl_>'^ lover's kiss ? _ YiUMi, yum l\ ..'*.'• iif a lover • stops a lover just; to sag a wofxl', ' ' ' . - Nobody to listen ' but a field ' mouse and a bird > While ■ a loiver ' tells a lover . as , thi^ - j waiting "stand, "hat a lorer loves a lover, should ha • -hold' her hand ? What do you think ? ' . If a lover meet a lover Whom she knows is' !shy, Such a man as^ we all know, a girl 1 as you ov I; ' } Should a lover, willing lover, ' who without a doubt r £ Kijlows a lover loves tier , r truly,. help. a lovlr out ? •You-bet J. \ " „,