THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 326, 23 September 1911, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, . Or note unmoved his mention m tbe Critic's page. Parade his error m the public eye. And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

A man is known by the company he can't avoid. * # » Don't quarrel with your friends, You never know when they won't give you away.. * • ■ Most men are grafters! till they, are 60 years old ; after that, they become philanthropists. * » • The majority of women nowadays get married so as to have someone to button the back of their dresses m the morning. * ' * * Machinery is to be introduced into post offices to expedite the sorting of letters. Soon there will be little for man to do except the propagation of his species. According to that good young man politician, C. H. Poole, "Not many people die of heart disease or from over work m Featherston." Well, the only thing that C.H.P. suffers from is an over-worked jaw.

Two things the people*, want to know. "Where is Joe Powelka?" and "Where will Jock Findlay stand next election ?" n n B One Jack Beamish has put up another record by swinging' clubs for 100 hours. There is plenty of room m •the lunatic asylum. * « « According 1 to a cable, the litigation m connection .with the Coal Vend ease has cost nearly £10,000 m law expenses alone. What a good wicket the lawyers have been on. • * ■ An Eden Roads Board member the other evening moved for three days' leave of absence to one of the employees who was to be married, on the ground of ill-health. Love-sickness, no doubt. According to the Chief Justice at Masterton the other day, it is impossible to steal land, as land, not being moveable, could not be stolen, That might be all right from the legal point of view, but what is Sir Robert's opinion apart from the law ? » » » Foreign investments will bring Great Britain's interest to the amount of £180,000,000 this year. This means that the British capitalist will wring that huge sum out of the pockets of the world's workers. Is there any wonder that revolution Is being talked of ? * « n A boardinghouse keeper who "went bung" the other day m Dunedin attributed the smash to the fact that she could not get "good, permanent, paying boarders." Evidently there is a difference between being a permanent boarder and a paying one. And m saintly Dunedin, too ! • m * There is money m whales, and "Critic" is gong out after them. One monster of the mighty deep when opened up at Vancouver was found to contain 2501t>' of ambergis, which, according to the market price, is worth iC"i.fOO. Why aren't whales as pieu.^.a aa whitebait V

The Mills of Milwaukee can grind his teeth apparently. Judging by a recent Wellington Opera House in- , cident ! •• • « From Waikare, -which is m the King County, "Critic" learns that a' farmer recently skinned 1200 sheep -which died of starvation, owing to the lack' of feed m the district. And this is a country where droughts are un- | known. • * ■ s . ■ It pays to have been a successful athlete. One old timer who recently died at Westland, recorded that when he left for New Zealand toe melted his medals and sold over a hundredweight of white metal to silversmiths. Nowadays, however, the medals go into "Uncle's" establish-: ment. ( ■...• ■ . . » Thing's were doing up at Opunake the other day when a football match, was played between the single and married men of the district, which. ' was won m a hollow fashion by the single men. The match was for a dinner. The married men, however, got even. The dinner was- cooked by, their wives. 9 *. 9 Timaru Borough Council considered": the wowser-inspired Rangiora proposal to appoint a public censor ofmoving pictures, and threw it out, with such a loud noise that the Fire. Brigade and Territorials turned out, and the boy. scouts fixed broom sticks,t© resist invaders. It is refreshing to drop across a really, sane local body,, .-sometimes. •. • w There is -something pathetc about' "the spectacle of a parson holding upa pearl button and advising his con.gregatiqn thus: The lady or gentleman who put this m the plate this -morning may be distressed on account: of the loss, so I have arranged that it can be returned to the owner at the . jporch after the service." Yet such did; happen at Dunedin the other Sabbath. To attempt a joke m the cireumvstances would amount to a sacrilege. '■»-. 9 m Oust because "Truth" published a "Picture Puzzle" about Powelka, and. invited readers to find Joe, as the police couldn't, "Critic" this week has ; received a post card from some infuriated individual accusing "Truth**' of being "a pimp," and that it has been "greased," and sundry other, nasty things. It's no use trying to be* humorous, some people will never see; a joke. It's a cold, miserable, cheer- 5 less, wet, windy, nasty, uncomfor-' table city is 'Wellington, and for panning out a great humorist, "Critic" ; now throws- up -the "wipe;" • * 9 The -ghastly 'joke of itself ra* co-operative concern is still' being perpetrated by the Farmers' Co-op. m • Christchurch, whose turnover was ! slightly under three millions sterling m the year just closed, and over half a million m excess of the previous, year's turnover. It is nothing more: or less than a trading company, like any other private enterprise, and promises to develop into a huge trust, embracing every line of business including motor cars. It shed one of its. few co-operative features this year, When it was announced that the usual bonus on sales to its 800 odd employees would be discontinued. D the worker ! « * » A. W. Rutherford, Canterbury wool •king, has returned from the Coronation shiyoo. Appears that he may be IT m his own country, but 'twas very small beer m Bull's kingdom, for although he obtained admittance to the theatre, or rather the Abbey, he didn't see the performance, which was reserved for the optics of the hereditary wasters who had their coronets carried by pages. At Spithead, however, things were a bit different, the naval circus panning out food and a "free run of the bar." A concession of that kind is no good to a man like Rutherford, who has plenty of money to pay for everything he swallows, and it is a pity the Keeper of the Royal Tankard, or whatever he is, didn't extend invitations to the inmates of Pakatoa and Rotoroa islands. A "free run of the bar," would, m their case, be a real favor.

* • » A SLOW DEATH.

I knew a tough old hypocrite, And he was eighty-four, And every day He'd drink, they say, A pint of rum or more. The doctor said 'twas killing him — The old cove gave a laugh, And said, if so, 'Twas fairly slow ! And then his rum he'd quaff ! "Why, I've been drinking rum," said he, "For sixty years ! And now I'm eighty- four, A fairish score, You surely must allow !' ? "Why, yes," replied the Wowser, "And you're hearty, I'll allow; But if you'd not Drunk such a lot, You'd be a hundred now !"

How,^touchy our politicians are «beHMnxtag. Is it the approach of the! General -Elections ? ' * • • Strange that the -pious who prate - [about the rich reward waiting for [the goodly m Paradise are never in.,---i a hurry to «laim it. • » » Thousands of New York suffragettes are fasting for a week to [raise funds for '"the Cause." And milHcms oi working women throughout the world are fasting all the days of their lives because they have no cash to buy tucker with. : I* * * [ Apropos of the recent conviction of i, a fireman on the s.s. Warrimoo for desertion, it has transpired that v the real cause of the man's desertion lay m the German war scare, the chief of* the engineering staff being a full- . blooded, though colonial-born, Ger- * man. • » « Stefanssen, the leader of the Yankee scientific expedition now doing the Arctic, has discovered a new race of people, who have never seen . a white man, or . a Red Indian. More unfortunates t 0 be exploired by the thuds of trade ! ■ • • A French journalist named Schmidt j has made a circuit of the earth via Siberia, Japan, and Canada m 39 days 19 hours and 43 minutes, which constitutes a record. Shades of Jules Verne !< He'll be passed out of his present .quarters if he tries to ring m his old SO-day chestnut on the other inmates. • • •

BILL KILLJOY.

Bill Killjoy was a Rechabite, And he was staunch and true; Although his nose was of a bright And brilliant purple hue, He calls it indigestion when The fact is pointed out; But there are divers gentlemen Who seem to have a doubt ! Bill Killjoy thinks it very wrong That anyone should greet With any kind of liquor strong A friend that he may meet. He thinks there should be holidays— But what he would propose Is that variety shows and plays And ail hotels should close ! The happy man, Bill Killjoy says, Is he who never grins, Who shuns all sports, avoids all plays, And weeps for other's sins. If Bill Killjoy could have his way, 'Twould doubtless be our doom To all lead lives of dismal, gay, And bright sepulchral gloom !

For a lesson m domestic^economy ; a correspondent refers "SEruth'V *» the Nelson Public Hospital. Recently a small tin of salmon was provided to make fish cakes for 23 of the staff. The saving effected m butter and tea is said to be also -re* markable, while a shortage m crockery enables tw 0 persons -to use one cup. Bu*, of course, it must be' un< .derstood that this delightful state •of economy is not enforced m the matron's dining-room, wqiild never do, The committee, or whoever is Tesponsible, confine the experiment t D the domestic staff, , Who, of course, are best able to stajfd it on -top of 14 hours' work.

THE EDITOR'S STAIRS.

Upwards m \gloom from the glare, of the street, Worn into furrows by thousands ' of feet — .Dusty and dirty, and lacking repairs, Wind the dark!, curves of the Editor's stairs. Still they complain 'neath the trend of the throng 'Upwards or .downwards, that hurries along:; -Gay or dejected, m youth or grey hairs, jClimbang the flighjts of the Editor's. stairs. .Lively young pressmen — the newly-! broke colts — ySpavined old "hacks," who have long shot their bolts — i Poets and artists caressing their: wares 'Trudge down the steps of the Ediw torte stairs. Llfrary kings m their frock coated pomp, Rubbing their shoulders with printer and comp ; Wild-eyed reporters, who spring from dark lairs, Rush down the steps of the • Editor's stairs. Clattering "linos," the copy are storing, Down m the basement the presses are roaring; "Hell take the hindmost, and mend his affairs !" Shouts their refrain up the Editor's stairs. Lives flicker out, 'neath the strain and the stress — What is a life m the maw of the press ? "What are a thousand ? for nobody cares/ Roar the machines up tha Editor's stairs.