THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 309, 27 May 1911, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the' Critic's rage. Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page. Parade his error m the public eye, - And Mother Grundy's rage defy 1

We seldom repent of having eaten too little.

Love is a sir-kiss; and Cupid is the ring master.

Description of a boozer— Devil at the elbow, arid brimstone at~ ' the nose.

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•An archaeological item ! Relics of a lost ticket — the tote ticket we can't collect on.

After he has been married a while, a man unlearns a lot of things he previously knew about women.

Many a wife has spared her husband the mortification of, having his pocket picked — by . going through it first.

A man must be bright to be considered bright. To achieve a reputation for wisdom, he has only to look solemn and keep his mouth shut. o•• , * . , - ■

Wrestling has : been recommended as a fine exercise for . fashionable ladies-. "Critic" presumes that the "half-Nelson" will - be known m •mirrine circles as the Lady Hamil-

f ton

Among the subscriptions to the Wanganui V.M.C.A. fund was one for £5 from "Powelka." Another instance, "Critic" would say, of the efficiency of Dictator Findlay's prison system. ; ..• ;- ■ Ji - ■■•",:- '"..

The suffragettes have begun a Donnybrook fair. . demonstration among themselves. So far, they have only hurled insults at each other, but soon . it ; will be a hand-to-hair scuffle, and the ladies with topees will have the^ best chance m the scratch-as-scratch can.

According to a recent par m the country press : There was an exceptionally cold snap at Ashburton on Sunday night, 11 > degrees of f rost being registered. On Saturday night th© frost was five degrees. The frost will havei a prejudicial , effect on feed prospects and • will check growth. But just think of the increased demand for whisky and lemons.

According to : a message published widely m. American newspapers, Washington surgeons have recently made the discovery that the skin, pf a man cannot be .grafted on a, woman. Attempts were made to repair the injured scalp of a girl by grafting on skin from the girl's brother and from a * girl friend. The skin from the brother did not hold. Then two other men were put under the knife, but again the experiment failed. Finallyi several girl volunteers provided the necessary cuticle. What was wrong with some of the Suffragettes. Their hides could ' be grafted on an elephant.

"Critic" has , been forwarded a copy of Denny Hoben's "Dilly Times," published at Palmerston North. Purporting to be an eightpage paper, two sheets are absolutely blank, while two more yield between them about four columns of advertisements. Seasonable comments are written on these blank sheets by an anonymous humorist, who suggests that the space will be utilised m printing funny stories about turnips and mangolds. Denny ought to give his few readers something for their money. Heaven aione-' knows that news is chsiap, except, of course, when it is not the subject of a libel action.,

'■'Some of the Bottom Dogs" on the Dunedin tramways, m a lengthy letter, convey their hearty appreciation of the articles recently published m '"Truth" anent the' irksome official bondage under which they toil. It seems that instances still occur, almost daily, m which men who are deserving of better treatment are reported for trifling and- even imaginary breaches of Sandy's arbitrary rules. '"'Baby Bliss" is always on the alert to catch a poor conductor m some breach of duty. "Gentle Annie's Sister" is another inspector who keeps a sharp eye on the Porridgebyterian tram trbubadors. "The Iron. Duke" has acquired the manner and bearing of . a prince of commerce, twirling his mo. and flicking the dust from off a corporation suit, the while cars' are dispatched from tho P.O. The most humorous rep'ont put m to . date by an inspector was one relating to a window pane, which was reported as having been broken on both sides, while one of the most trivial . was the reporting of a conductor for eating bananas. Truly, say ihe "Bottom Dogs," Alexander the Great is convnj into Ins Kingdom, for some of the conductors stand bare-headed m his presence.

There's much underhand work, at times, m cricket.

Going- to law. is like losing a cow for the sake of a cat.

A woman , ceases to tell her age when her age commences to tell on her.

Character can be readily judged from the handwriting;— of the letters be read m court.

, In a -motor car built for two, the constant osculation doesn't Worry the average giril a bit.

A woman usually dresses to please the men. But she doesn't have much success with the one who has to pay for it.

Boys who are inclined to take after their fathers will be well advised, m most instances, not to overdo it.

All our best books are bound m Morocco leather.. Well, there should be quite a lot of skins to tan when the present dust-up is over.

Latest bulletins ! from the Big Smoke report that Sirjoe is suffering from a bad attack of Imperialism. Doctor Findlay is daily m attendance.

Lady Ward, so the cable assures us, sat on the left side of the King at some ! ome shivoo. Now, isn't that something likely to make, New Zealand "sassiety" go pink with envy.

At last Doc. Findlay has caught the eye of the cable-crammer. With 60 other colonials he chatted to the King at a royal reception during the week, Brother D.M. is hurrying 'Ome to be also "interduced. '•'-

Per cable, we are informed that a Russian princess, disappointed m love, jhut herself up inther palace for twenty years, refusing to see anybody, and, finally, starved "herself to death. Her example is hardly likely to be followed, so far as New Zealand tarts are concerned.

Mr Justice Edwards says that the form of words used m the oath adr ministered m our courts of justice are as inept and unimpressive as any he could imagine. '/It is,'' he said, ' 'no more impressive than if you got a cockatoo to administer it.'" Rough onf soane court orderlies, isn't it ? ■

Acting-Minister of Justice George Fowlds says that the account^ of a recent disgraceful, drunken debauch at Invercargill was greatly exaggerated, but that it was discreditable to those concerned. Isn't it, anyhow, the old, old story of a "dry" district.

Plague germs have been discovered m the' brain of one of the victims to the scourge. The plague is closely associated with rats, it is said. In future, instead of telling an acquaintance that he is ratty, "Critic" will merely insinuate that he is troubled with germs. It may, possibly, save heated arguments.

. A man who committed suicide recently, by hanging himself with a strap m a Ballarat (Vie.) hotel, was positively identified as six distinct individuals. Perhaps his complex personality was the cause of. his act. If he caused as much worry and confusion m life as he did m death, it is hardly to be wandered at that he sought a short way out of his troubles. /

American actor Nat Goodwin has just been divorced by. his fourth wife, and the court has gone to the trouble 6f forbidding him to marry again. But he can evade that decree by ferrying across the river, at a

cost of 2£d, from Noo ¥-ark. to Noo Jersey, and marry agWin if he choose. The matrimonial conditions appear to be a Gilbertian joke m 'Murka. How about calling them the Disunited States ?

The silliest Commission up to date was that appointed by the South Australian Government to inquire into the reasons of the servant girl difficulty. It spent weeks m asking useless questions of mistresses and maids, and its final report tells less than auy sane citizen already knew. Surely the Southstralian Government- must have a lot of space to let m its upper storey.

The mean men are not all dead. The case was recently mentioned m a contemporary of an elderly woman who made a deed of gift to her son of a small property, on condition that he would board and lodge her for life. He now compels her to pay her own expenses, and wants her to apply for an old-age pension. Should she do so, and obtain one, ho will probably want her to pay the rates on the property, and keep it m repair. There is no limit to some men's modesty.

The harem skirt is a ''*breech" of promise.

-All ; work but the wealthy— they work all.

A tall cashier is generally shortr— when he's missing.

Moral for maids : Look before you sleep — under the bed.

When is a joke not a joke ? Well mostly when it is a chestnut.

Will the Wellington "Zibishon" produce another Munro the Magnif ?

A man may smile, and smile, and smile, and be a villain — or just an idiot.

Hint for the damsels : 'Twere better, to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

A woman m the case may not be out of place. It's when, there are two there's likely to be trouble.

Every trustee m future must produce a doctor's certificate of his good health. It's becoming necessary.;

The eloquence of the Irish Envoys is likely to pan out at about £s7OOO. And. some people say that silence is golden.

Canada expects to receive 175,000 immigrants from Great Britain this year.. If they are of the same sort as last year's, the Canadians' prayer, should be : "For what we are about to receive, the Lord make us truly fearful."

A Wellington resident casually* remarked to his wife the other day that "he had read m the morning paper that dresses were to be worn longer than usual this season." vOh, indeed," was the prompt reply; if they are to bei worn longer than I am compelled to. wear mine they will have to be made of sheetirph, that's all!" Hubby promptly capitulated, fetched his cheque-book, and-peace again reigned supreme m the household.

There will be 45,000 troops stationed m the City of ' London oh Coronation Day. and .55,000 on the following day. This great body of armed men will '.be called together to preserve order while a King is being crowned. used to hang a brass plate on the naked breast of King Billy, whichj, after all, was an infinitely cheaper j method. •" And as regards power relatively, one king is equal to the oflier, and one shibboleth just as meaning as its mate.

English life-saving expert, Bill Henry, who toured New Zealand recently as secretary, of the Royal Life Saving Society, told the English aristocrats of that society, the other day, that the New Zealand people were enthusiastic wherever he went. In order' to save time, he on one occasion at Christchurch made examinations on a Sunday, and when one clergyman protested, Bill told him they were both doing the same work m a different manner ; the clergyman was looking after life hereafter, and Bill the present. Bill might have told the wowser that he, like all bis crowd, was only looking after the souls of people.

How these Christians do love one another and the root of all evil. The cable-liar reports :— Mrs Gring; who bought the "Shiloh" House from the receivership of "Elijah" Dowie's estates, is unable to obtain possession. Thirty Dowieites are guarding the property vigilantly. The sheriffs brought two scaling ladders, and clambered through the upper front windows, while a squad of policemen kept the occupants busy at the back door. The chief elder proposed an armistice, proclaiming that the Scriptures had been fulfilled, viz., "the devil set his foot m the Lord's house." When General Booth departs in ' the golden chariot one of these fine mornings, it's- safe to wager that there'll be a repetition of the Dowie rush for the spoil.

The remarks attributed to Magistrate Bishop—that he did not understand why certain people should bring children into the world when they could not maintain them—has set an angry - Aucklander a-thinking, and he writes to "Truth" asking, Does the magistrate expect provision to be made for maintenance of a child or children before the marriage ceremony is performed ? If Mr Bishop's idea was embodied m an Act of Parliament, what a lot of space would be saved m the newspapers, he further states. The whole question would be settled m one act. All that would be necessary would be to enact that any man contemplating matrimony should deposit with tho Public Trustee sufficient to provide for his offspring. "Critic" agrees with our correspondent that the subject is too big to handle hurriedly ; likewise, that wore such an Act passed there would be very few marriages m heaven or on earth. Of coui'so, it wasn't suggested that Mr Bishop advocated such law.

The Opposition intend to give th<fi Geraldine constituency a chanCe n"ex-t election, as already .three Masseyites, Messrs^ W. ./Jeffries; 6. JW. Armi-; tage, and Colonel Hayirurst are announced as opponents of the present member, Mr Buxton. • * a ■ ■ Before Sir Joseph Ward went 'Ome one of his Imperial Conference planks was that the proceedings be open to the press. Wednesday's cables, however, show that Sir Joe> withdrew a resolution to that effect. More m camera proceedings. Amyhow, it is just as well that the pressmen were turned out, because nothiing but Imperial Conference twaddle would. have been published m the cables... .... ' ■■.■ \ : ■ f

Among the Imperial military of*' ficers who are announced as coming | to New Zealand as general staff officers, is Major William Garnett Braithwaite, D.S.O^, of the Royal Welsh Fusiliers. During the AngloBoer ' War he wsas A.D.C. first to •Major-General A. S. Wynne, C.8., and afterwards to Major-General Sir Henry Settle, X.C.8., D-S.CL, each m tunh general officer commanding Cape, tCotony Davison, i He is^one of the joßaest of men, and, though turned 40 yeans of age, is as jovial as an overgrown schoolboy.

A" feature which sfirieked /loudly for notice during the trial oi Mrs Bell at Dunedin Supreme Court last week Was the shiftictg of an SJM. from a seat at the banxisters' table by the 'court usher. '.At the f oot ■oi the table there is a seat, immediately m front of the penitent pew!, known to the initiated as the dock, and generally occupied by Jerry Scanlon, the ga^olejr. " On the morning: m question tins nice chair was vacant, and Mr Haseldbn, S.M., strolled m and kept ' it warm. After the'S-M. had been setting there for sonje time Usher Martin gave him notice to quit, and the worthy S.M. retreated m high, dudgeon. Later on :j. F. Arnold, Dunedin Cemtral's godly M. P., planted himself m the chair «and stayed there without let or hindrance, and the' gowned usher didn't push him ont. "Truth wonders why, and hands , the worthy, S.M. condolences arid ' sympathy. Evidently M:s.P. 'are' more worthy of' notice than magistrates these «dull days. * • . . , • Died at hds residence, Hobsonvstreet, Wellington, on Monday last, James " Ashcroft, ex-^afficaal .assignee and coroner of Welffingtcm. Decease^ was born m London, Avpril, 1834, and came to .the coloiiy m 156;2. Subsequently, he became editor of the Otago "Daily Times/ and relinguished'that position' to take uj> the duties of official assignee m tho Scottish capital. Later on he waj3 transfen Y ed to Wellington •m tii*<. same capacity, and c6mbSne«d those duties with that of district coroner, which positions ho resigned eiarly m. 1908,, on the grounds of ill-health. Jifmmy was a genial . old souell and his cheerful presence at an inquest relieved the monotony and depressing atmosphere generally. He could never resist a joke, and as a humorist Jimmy could hold his own with any of them. No matter whether as official assignee 'or district coroner, Jimmy could be depended upon to say something bright. When Jimmy resigned m 1908, the regret was general. J as. Ashcroft was "always a fellow of excellent jest and infinite fancy.."

Sir Robert Chief .7 Justice Stout bears a strong facial resemblance to Karl Max, the great Exp ositor ; of Scientific '*° ' " Private advices received at Dunedin announce the death at Saskaschewan, Canada, of Barrister Bal*. jfo.ur Nedll, of Dunedin, the son of Mr P. C. Weill, French Consul at Dunedin. Deceased barrister was well known m boxing circles and was a capable referee-

At present touring the North Island, after having thoroughly "esh plored" the South, (T. L- Beauchamp, : tlie,V,';G^ancl Lodge of Druids of Western , Austyif lia. The grand see reached 'Wellington on Sundayj, and was taken ;iti hand by Grand Secretary Grant;; of the N.I. Grand 'Lodge- ' : Z.' ,'^ ■-,

Host J. T. Sutton-, of the "Qlty Hotel, Christchurch, purposes testing the virtues. Of the rest cure, and for a little while at least will enjoy the simple life on his r esti^be at Petpamiir, tree from the cares,- and" -demands, and worries and hard work of business life. Not -that the health of J.T.S. is occasioning serious alarm to his friends, but Mr Sutton is a man who personally attends to every detail of his business, and when one' has five .-years ! on end of that sort or thing m one of "the busiest hosrtelries m. city one welcomes a rustic nook "to re* tire for a little while for purposes of recuperation, and' the chookies and farm! igoadrnpeds are calling and the orchaßd extends a luscious rnvitation to: the boss to take a rest:. The boss, whose successor lor the time being has a most, satisfactory reputation m the host\line, will respond to the call on July 1, al? thouglr he wall maintain his connection witti the organisations of which "he'- -is ,a yalwed member m the city. '".' ■ '• • "' t ■ New Zealand' v has acquired another sprig of nobility:, m the person of the Hon. Ralph Bowyer Adderley, son and heir of the second Lord Norton, who arrived by the lonic last week and proceeded at once to Auckland, his; indention being, .to learn colonial me-tfcods of farming. Mr Adderley, who *s now 39 years of age, is a granit«on of the first Lord Norton., better known as the Right Hon. Sir Charles Adderley, P,,C, K.C.M.G., who sat" m the House of Commons from ,is*i to 1878, when he was insert the peerage, having been succesS&VAly Under-Secretary of State-, for the Colonies and President Yof the Board of Trade m the 'Cabinet formed by Benjamin Disraeli, afterwards Earl of Beacons^ eld; Tat old gentleman, who was also sent a£ an Envoy on a special mission to Spain m 1878, died at the ripe age of 91. m 1905, beings succeeded by his son. [ the present Ixwd Norton, father of [the subject of vJhis paragraph. The present peer, who is a Conservative lin politics, was secretary to his I late father., and is » <*•?• ftnri lvli I for ! Warwickshire, *Vnd resides at 'Hams Hal], near BfcWmirham. Mr A.dderley's maternal -r.- rid n! other a daughter of the iir*t. (and a si&ter of the present) i <"*f' T-mtfh, and" his mother is a dauu «lit of". Sir Alexander Dixie, Bart. !»' ■: j* "ISO related to the Duke of v; r : nunf-tiit; and th*e Marquis of Queoiwow; respectively. Being asinglo.man how the New girls will aiioff him!