Jottings and Jingiings.

NZ Truth, Issue 309, 27 May 1911, Page 4

Jottings and Jingiings.

The country must be going to Barnold's, or rather the dogs. A half-caste Ma,ori, a mining speculator, the other night reckoned that the country was rotten, and that ha was going to shake the dust off his feet.. When the Maori talks so, what oh I. , The austerity of our wowserUstic code of morality is not so painfully apparent until the code collides violently with the simple aboriginal, who inconveniently follows the dictates of nature. The recent Christchurch sittings of '• the Supreme Court found an astonished Maori charged with an offence against a half-caste girl of sixteen, but the defence put up by Lawyer Donnelly —that the girl was a consenting party — so impressed tne jury that they returned Sf - verdict of not guilty^ Py korry !i WHO, WHO, WHO ? The flowers that bloom m the spring, Tra-la, JDon't sleep m tbeir beds; that's flat, Oh, no ; with a piece of a Jabiru's wing, Two turnips, a catobage, or any old thing, They adorn Miss de Mulligan's hat ; Miss de Mulligan's marvellous hat, And I'd just" like to know (No, I've not got a rat) Who pays for that killing "creation"? Eh, what ? Tra-la, la-la-la-la ; tra-la-la, etc,, etc., etc. ! AN EPIDEMIC EPIC Some fearful epidemics are sweeping thro' the land, The plague •of Coronation spreads on every hand ; Imperialism, too, has got us m its griPi lake our old friend The TPlu, it gives us holy gyp. v They each will run their course like 1 other bad diseases, And drive us nearly crazy with their patriotic wheezes ; Still we must grin and bear 'em— for we're the old milch cow — No hope is there to dodge the silly season now. "Could you inform me why boys should go into camp with men ?'? asks a Christchurch wowser of a local paper. "Can anyone imagine boys of fourteen . going to camp with men who curse and drink and gamble, and coming out just as good as when they went m?" This vicious squeal has hurtled through the atmosphere under the usual wowser misconception and the customary wowser failure to make sure of the facts before bellowing. As a matter of fact boys of fourteen will not go into camp with men, -although there seems to be no sane reason why they should not do so, as they live with men m their own homes and meet them abroad. It would do some of the pimply offspring of wowsers a great deal of good to go into camp with men who will knock the unhealthy moral squeamishness out . of them .m double-quick time. The typical wowser youngling is too girly-girly and narrow-brained and timorous for the Jap-killing of the future. The National Prohibition campaign m Christchurch of "Poole, M.P., was a ghastly failure, a feature of his different meetings being the appalling number of empty benches. The circumstance was so conspicuous as to call for regretful mention from the platform. Certainly it is a grave reflection upon the ginger-pop push, who are supposed to number 10,000 m the city, that they should invite a, man down from Auckland and then leave him to make his passionate observations to the empty atmosphere. Fact 1 of the matter is that, with restrictive licensing legislation, sly-grog prosecutions, prosecutions of respectable firms m -connection with the supply of liquor, m prohibited areas, and the deplorable orgies reported from the electorates where good beer is not obtainable honestly and openly, to say nothing of Professor Salmond's crushing pamphlet^ people are getting sick of Prohibition and everything connected with it, and the shrill shrieks upon tired and unresponsive ears. It is the natural re-action of a sane community. — -:o: • THE PIGMIES AND THE GIANT. The leader of the Opposition having invited the Hon. Geo. Fowlds to tour the Dominion at the ex--pense of his political opponents on promising to repeat his Pukek,ohe speech m every electorate, Mr Fowlds told a newspaper representative that he was quite prepared to take up Mr Massey's offer. "Yes, I aay ; but it was only bluff," replied Mr Fowlds, when asked if Mr Massey's challenge had reached him during his travels. It has yelled for recognition, has the Tory Opposition, And has sent abroad its speakers for to scatter verbal dust ; It has gulled the population with the rude insinuation That the country's , got to swallow 'em, or suffocate or bust. For the midst of this oration rises George of Education, Who adorns a rag-importing show away up m the north, And he mentions the proportion of the facts that bear distortion, As the spokesmen of the rival mob arrange and belch 'em forth. When the noise of the collision has subsided, m derision Keen, the giant fist of Labor puts his pijxmifs on a knee, Whoro the "squealing of " dissension bore and tire to inattention And the giant falls asleep again and snores distrrssmllee.

WHAT IT IS COMING TO. "You have told us, burglar William, that you cannot go tojjaol ; "Can you give us valid |Aon, oj; is this a little tale ?"^^- "Gorstrooth ! y'know, yer 'Onor that I'm holdin' little wealth, "But doctor says that jug is bad m my weak state of 'ealth." • :o: • Lawyer Cassidy, who is appearing f.or barber-tobacconist Jack m the Cashel-street mystery case, has received through * the post a slab of Acorn tobacco, wrapped m tinfoil, but unaccompanied by any note of explanation. .Doubtless the hunk of weed represents some mystic portent associated with the tragedy, and failing any other solution optimistic counsel naturally takes it as an indication of the sender's beliet that the affair would end m smoke. HELPFUL BUT HOMELY. Ghristchurch advertisement: "Wanted, homely lady boarder, with young ; couple; all conveniences, Piano; Sydenham." When a homely young lady is wanted, . be sure Her face is not moulded for kisses; If a "young couple" need this she lodger obscure, r That ad. was devised by the missus. :o:— • OHRISTOHURCH'S CLOCK.. The one-time staid and respectable clock m the Christchurch Post Omchas just had another "periodical bust," and has shocked the community by its unwonted depravity. The aged timepiece went suddenly mad last week and started on a terrific sprint which left Father Time a considerable distance in' the rear. The minute hand covered an hour m a little over sixty seconds', and accomplished four days m less than two' hours, and when collared low and grassed was careering with lightning rapidity on its^ way to eternity. The synchronisation contractors explain that the dry cells had given out and required re-charg-ing, which confirms the universal belief that the clock's outbreaks were due to DRYNESS AND PROHIBITION m a general way of speaking, Naturally the timepiece has become thirsty and has doubtless been surreptitiously supplied with bad liquor like Ashburton and other unhappy electorates of that kind. The contractors throw the whole blame on the clock committee of the City Council, which wouldn't hear of the clock's innards being removed to permit of the synchronisation being supplied directly to the hands. To have consented to such a .tiding would have been like, disembowelling one of the aged City Councillors, so the old and obsolete works were left m the shell, the electrical thingumy was connected up, /■ and the clock immediately had spasms. These were redqced considerably, but the clock is still suffering from the disability of evaporating dry cells, and like a lady mentioned by one . Dickens, requires occasional doses of dry gin or something for its spasms. Tommy Taylor has promised to look into the matter, and as x he is as unsentimental as a taxi tell-tale where wasteful expenditure is concerned, the deeply respected, but useless innards, of the timepiece will probably have. to go. PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY. Early to bed and early to rise. If you always do that you'll never, catch flies ; Though all of us live until our day dies, In the end the whole of us mount to the skies ; That is, don't you know, if we do not descend. For the slope of Avernus has never a bend. And, of course, as you know, if you rise with the lark, There's no need at all to be out after dark, Say, to spoon with a girl m. a dim, shady park ; Nor yet to go fishing and play with a ; shark, There are sharks m the sea, and sharks on the land ; In Willis-street I shake ten each day by the hand. You've heard that the rolling-stone gathers no moss, But it crushes it all, which, perhaps, is no loss ; As through life we go we play pitch and toss, And the cards all the time are stacked for the boss ; For, go where you will, it's always the same, The toiler's the mug who falls m at the game. We've a short life to live, but for long we'll be dead ; On your feet keep on walking, but not on your head, For yesterday's past, and to-mor-row's ahead ; By the nose c'en the best are quite easily led, And life m itself is a queer, tangled whirl, That encircles Jjhe peasant, the peer, and jM^girl. The fields that are distant, they always are green. And donkeys m all kinds of pastures are seen ; Don't sneer at the man whom you dub a "has-been," Or else you'll fall m and be knocked out, I ween ; Of the devils you've dealt with the one you know best, Nine times out of ten is a perma- • nent guest. All proverbs are stale, but apply them anew, And m these tangled rhymes I have given a few ; Don't bolt them like dog's meat, but give them a chew, And at oil times keep out of the hands of the Jew ; . Your soul to the devil, perhaps, is m pawn, ! But 'twill never be saved by a bishop \ m lawn, Nor liy wowser who's playing j Mephisto's bad role, i For of Fausts there are many of i whom to take toll.