THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 240, 12 February 1910, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

OamotonmnqvgdhwmcatignttttheOritie's jttge? And Mofhor GrowJy's rago defr? Rockefeller says the present methods of charity ate unskilful. -But i are. ■ not the wasteful, iniquitous, and one-sided. . methods of distribution <n wealth unskilful from a scientific point of view ? ■ • ■■•.'. • *i- i • , •.. Judging fay the number, of .slyrgrbg case's which are coming up before the metropolitan courts for decision, it is apparent'that: the , wowsers' victory re Sunday closing is a pretty barren one ' after all. :'• ■ . .• , ■.-,.• . A publican m Perth has been fined for selling "eronk" liquor. He says he "purchased it from a firm of distillers m an Eastern State. It is surprising. 'that he didn't plead that he bought it from a "man m the street." • • • Several hundred people at Toronto, Canada, have pledged themselves to abstain from beef and mutton till the meat ring reduces the price. Several hundred people, however, will soon give: in. The | human stomach and its wants will settle any strike. • . • • • ■ ■ - The question,, "Is beer worth driaking?" has just been answered with an emphatic affirmative by an eminent London physician, .who says unreservedly that beer is a ' valuable and wholesome food. In fact, beer attd bread and cheese he considers to be by far the best food for a working . mau. Are ye listening, Tommy Taylor ? V .*■ -. * Lord Kitchener says the shooting with fi-inch gun's at Albany (W.A.) .was excel-' lent. Shooting with big guns scesas to be a mysterious soxt of- business. - The umpire has to decide whether the projec 1 tile would hit an enfcray or miss him, and the percentage of hits would appear to depend upon, whether the umpire has bad a late nigfat or no. • ••' • ■ ■ * :■■ ; The reckless man of. youth eventually gets kilkd by bis own fooHiardiness. The stupid surf bather, the careless fellow among machinery,' and the rash pedestrian who rashes m front of. oncoming trams, sooner or later proves the existence of the natural law of the survival of the fittest, no matter bow enrol it may be to mention it. • . ■ ■* ■ • ■•''.■'■ All the smali-ißifidcd pebple ftoa't live m Wellington after aii. A fanner at' Darwin (England) recently sought to recover £1 for damages to his meadow as the result of a- neighbor's hens trespassing thereon. He produced a book: m court' in which he had entered the dates of alleged trespass. Plaihtil! was awarded one smiling, without costs.. '■■:■■',■*' ■ .* ' ■ •••■ .. In Sydney, Domain orators now carefully avoid all 'reference to the stride • by name, and substitute "pumpkius," "c&rrbfcs," or cucumber" for the pr-ascribed word. -■■.-_; ' ' ' '.'■'■■■"."•" The times are bad when speakers bold, : Can't use. what words they like ; And have !to say "cucumber" cold, Instead ol red-hot strike.

. Property agents seem to be blood-suckers all the world ;over. but one Isodct'? Jelseneck, of Neir. York, has gone into the business literally. lv response to *.r advt. calling for volaittecas to surrender a. pint of blood, to he transferred to the said Jelsencck's veins, and offering twenty dollars for the liquid, sixty men turned up. Some of them wee* prepared to sell a gallon oi blood for such a magnificent sum of money.

[ The "Fall Alall Gazette" says that "the sentences on the strike leaders ia New South Wales are & signal illustration of a strictly democratic Government rising to the height of iss responsibilities, and doing its duty to the community without fear or favor." Now, the "Pall Mall Gazette" gets its information on these matters from people like the "Telegraph" and "Herald," but even that does not jusflify it m calling the Wade crowd , a demor.zivtic Government.

A rcsi-Jent o£ Avondalc. Auckland, developed suoljbj.'icstj or something t-ery bad recently, when he complained to the AvoEtsale. Road Board about the ir&tVtsak use ot the tear. "Avondale Asylum." it is not mentioned that it was the Av-cn-dale Road Board which made use ef tfcs word, and one is led to suppose that the mere repetition ol the name irritated tin 1 writer of the letter, but that hiph and mighty body, the Avondale Road Board didn't feel competent to pass a resolution asking all and sundry to be .more careful about calling Avoiidale's mental hospital an asylum, and 1 the letter was forwarded to the Mount Albert Road Board— for what reason "Critic" feels sure goodness, who's supposed to know much, doesn't know. But even this high find niiffhty collection of local body lawyers couldn't see fit to fake any precipitate or decided action on the momentous nwtter, and it was decided that th". ou^stion Tie debatod m private conference with the Avondale Road Board. Why dMn'.t they refer it to the engineer for a report ?

I More dry distlrifet doings! A .man who j knows S3ys that 24 tons of nial± liquor j found . its way into Gore m, the 1 week be- | fore CbHstmas. It looks* aa a .they'd bad a more jigglty Christinas m (Sore than anywhere else. Give: us each day oar daily press P One fliiurnal iotixnal recently ' told yis that. ;in Cuba cabbages sometimes: grow to a i weight of 20tts. "Cxltia"' knows now I win Havana cigars are so- !eheap. ■ ' ■• -,-. ■■■ * v ■■■■•, ■■: ■••■ ■>-. Mr John Milrrayy the well-known j English publisher', states that ""there can ! be no- question that many books have | been pnblished this year 1 which ought i never- to have been published." "Critic" i somehow fancies that 1909 isn't: by aiiy : means the only year; a-bout which this can 1 i be said. ' . . If all the dishonest nippers -were dead, suburbaattes cotiid grow (provided, of course, they ftncw.how) the finest peaches: add -apples m the wide world. . It "is really surprising io lioticp the gardens- of the willing man, and • contrast them with the rubbish-tip back^rards :of the chronically tired fellow wlio belrevesi m buying an his fruit— on tick, if he can get it. • ■•'.-.•-■. w V??ll Crooks, the' wow'scr Labor. member {ox Woolwich,. hasvbe«ri relegated to political oblivion. Creoles was touring Australasia and giving Irce advice to the natives and everybbdy be came across, whUsfc his constituents and workmen of Woolwich were migrating to German dockyards m quest of work. Work they obtained, with the result that Germany as a naval power has struggled into second place already. '' *' ...... .»*.. ...» "I was oot wi 1 a lassie, as it happened, and I wasna' drbonk," said' Robert George McDonald m the Magistrate's Court, Christchurch. Robert, a young man, once told the court that he was bern m Scotland and reared m Russia, and this time he mentioned that he had taken a fit and' wasna shikkured. . ','1 was on the booze, solid, tbree weeks after I joomped ma- ship at Timaru," he said, and 'had since been the subject of fits. His roars could be heard m Wellinfirton when arrested. As* the RussianrSoot had been two or three days m gaol he was let ofl on pevment of 15s medical exes. ■ « *» n We are told that a district ia Saskatchewan, Canada, is' called Wanganui, and that it was so* 'called because a settler •from Hew Zealand called his house bythe name, which later became the name Of the postal district. By the same means , there is a- i>ossibili.tij r of the naming 1 of New Zealand tovms becoming more weird than it is at ptresftttt, and m course of time vre can expect to have some settle* ■ raent consisting of a pub and a pump called Saskatchewan, or some similar wild and woolly Noctti 'American name. "Critic" feels glad an Auckland man he know «f didu't get a cbance to name a township in -this way. He calls his house Wcsgrelewlee.

Some of ijhe fettows who serve up our daily news to us don't know any more than they should. For instance, a few days ago the "Otago -Daily Times," m describing a wreck, said "forty landed by the-, Breeches buoy." This seemed to suggest that one of the Dover buoys was of such a form that it could' be swung between, the ship and the shore, and that the shipwrecked folk could walk ashore on it ; but' everybody (except, apparently, the "0.8. T.?) knows the breeches buoy is a Hfe-saVinß method, by which men; are pulled- over a fixed line to the shore. And when a journal isn't sure about a thing like that it's not 'surprising if it calls Ranginia, the Maori tenor with the luzzy bair, a woman: •/• • . • STONEY BROKE. I'm stoney broke.; . Perhaps you, think it is a joke TO go a week without- a. smoke, To loaf about the park all day, Arid turn your head the other way When .ladies come upon the scene, And think of all that reight have been.

I'm stoaey broke; Mv boots are broken at the side, I p,row a beard ; it serves to bide rife Jack of collar on my shirt; The Riiis with whom I used to flirt, They pass me by, and sin: ply stare To see a man all rag's and hair. I'm stoaey broke; .Fexbaps some 'day . my luck will turn, And I'll have pleat? cash to burn, Then, m a split-tailed 1 coat. l'll trip Alone: the street, and ■ have 'a nip. •By Gosh, you'll never/think this bloke Was ever hopeless,' stoney broke. "DISADVANTAGE OF BEING BORN RICH. I^ I/ndcr the above "crazy" heading, Sir Thomas Lipton has been telling a New York paper, what a fine, thing it is for young men to be born poor. Good boy, Tommy ! To be born blind, for instance, \ would be another ' advantage, for then j JooJc at the wicked sights that men would miss. The majority of young Austra- ; lasiatis will be cabling to Tommy to "get his head read," Oh. it's Tommy this, and Tommy that. And Tommy don't be. funny ; £'<-.' d ail be just the same as you ;;j v/e had tons of money ; Ws know it's wrong to hold the tin— A. most unpardonable sin— ti'.'fc still we'd chuck all that part m, I For money, money, money. Oh. Tommy dear, how can you say That it's both fit and proper For every youth to start his life Without a bloominj copper ! It may be nice to be born poor. But none of that now, Tom, no more, Or we shall bash you on the jaw With your own silk hell-topper. There's none of us, dear Tommy — none, But hates the thought of money, We're just the same as you, old boy, But tot so passing funny, For white ye read your tommy-reft, And ponder over it a lot, We hate the stuff we haven't got — Your money, money, money.

The- "Otago- B*ay TtoesT* talks about Scbfe- fishermen. nsbing, 'MElast .Anglican; waters. The" "Times'* should see that the shocking fishers should be loyal to their relleiqa and fish only m Presbyterian waters ; or. the paper might be more careful, and call the waters Anglian.- .

Gaol -warders may not play the hose on. imprisoned suffragettes. So much has been, decided by the Manchester County Court, and the' suffragettes . should. "Hooray." The litigious' spirit ,of the militant ' suffragettes .' is' 'supplying rare causes celebre for barristers to quote ' m the- sweet by-and.-by.'' " ~ ■ - :

England pretends to be an enlightened i and . civilised country/ and yet one hundred 'thousand people demonstrated at >I*iverpQOl .the other day against Home Rule for Ireland. It is possible, to do something ( with people who are simply ignorant ; when they are ignorant and bigoted as well, the case is well nigh hopeless.

; American experts zssert t that ihp boss way to beat Exosqaito breeding is to drop permanganate into water where the larvae develops. 'Tis said a handful of permanganate will oxidise a JLO-acre swamp, and that a pinch of the crystals will kill all too baby skeeters m a 1000-galloa tank. A • trial ■will cost a few pence, and "Gri fee" "will make no charge for the tip.

KcrfcTfj&hstanding the Dreadnought scare and the talk about Germany invading Britain, British and Australian patriots are. most generous to Germans, and Kaiser Bill's fiag floats m, the breezes m. British ports m every part of the Empire. We need not go beyond our own muddy stream to see the German tricolor hoisted over a large percentage of the ocean tramps that come to this port/

In some quarters New Zealand is apparently classed as a cannibal island. Missioparies of the World-wide Evangelis-. tic Campaign left San Francisco on February Ist for Japan, China, Australia, and New Zealand^ which seems to suggest) that tiie mission is for the purpose of saving the Chinese, Japanese, and "other heathen," or that the purpose is to save all the Japanese and Chinese and the mission comes to New. Zealand, so. that; aone of the slant-eyed Celestials shall be missed. .

The St. Kilda Borough Council (Dunedin) Jiua referred to the water committee the qfiestion of taking means to stop the excessive use of water m the borough* If the committee have the usual brilliant brain-power of . the generality of borough bumbledom, they will probably decide to ask the ratepayers to wash themselves only once a week. This would save quite a lot of money, which could be devoted to erecting a tiled pound, and paying a man to say soothing things to the pounded animals when they got home-sick or love-sick. : : ■ • •. •■ • AMBITIOUS. I'd like to be a wowser, . And with the wowsers stand— > A pious look upon me— A hymn-book m my hand. You bet, I'd tell the public | That they should act. like mo ; You'd hear me sing the praises Of smug hypocrisy. I'd lay my little cars back, And close my eyes and pray ; I'd do my -yery utmost To make the business pay. • ■ ■■• « . They have some, wild and woolly ways at the publican's booths at country race meetings. At a recent meeting m the vicinity of Naseby, Otago, ', one Herbert Orr and some friends went to the booth j and surrounded _ a shikkur, paying .full value for toe half-strength stuff usually supplied at such places. But the barman, James Cooper, thought the wet things weren't paid for, and after Orr refused to pay again, he biffed a him over the head with a whisky bottle, which broke, making many marks on Orr's couutioghouse. The justice who heard the case when Cooper was called to account decided, after some' thought, that the attack wasn't justified, and ordered Cooper to find about £6 m fine and expenses. » • • Democracy is merely public ownership of public functions. Anti-democracy is private ownership of public functions. The latter is more dismal as a failure than political economy, ever was as a science. The former we are trying to try. Why not give it a chance ? Men cannot make principle, but we can. make men by giving principles free play. Justice is principles m action. Democracy is justice m action. • • • THE. FORTUNE TELLER. "Rich man, Poor man, Beggar man, Thief, Doctor, Lawyer, Merchant, Chief." Highway, stretched along the sun, Highway, thronged till day is done ; Where the drifting Face replaces Wave on wave on wave of faces, And you cannot count them one by one ; "Rich man— i Poor man— Beggar man— Thier ;' "Doctor— Lawyer— Merchant— Chief ," Is it soothsay. Is it fun ?

Young ones, like as Avave and wave ; OJtl ones, like as grave and grave ; Tide on tide of human faces With that human underflow I , Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief ! Tell me of the eddying places, Show me where the lost ones go. Like and lost, as leaf and leaf, What your secret grim refrain Back and forth and back again. Once, and now, and always so ? Three days sinca and who was Thief ? Three days more and who'll be Chief ? Oh, is that beyond belier, Doctor— Lawyer— Merchant— Chief ? (Down like grass before the mowing ; On like wind m its mad going ; Wind and dust forever blowing.) Highway, shrill with murderous pride. Highway, of the swarming tide ! (I am not my brother's keeper.) —Josephine Preston Peabody.

SprentEd Ehgfand* tas 50»,(K}ff panpeES fa | the workhouses - of one town— London, lOn Christmas, Booth's battling brigade of street beggars: are credited with having fed 60,000 famishing sufferers. God alone knows how many thousands axe turned from the doors of the workhouses and the Salvarmy shelters, where not 1 much is given a-way.

At its last meeting, the Dunedin and Suburban Presbyterian Office-bearers' Association, affirmed the desirability of pastoral visitation. "Critic" remembers to hare had- his soul soothed slightly by a, visitation from a Presbyterian pastor, the whole of the visitation being taken up with a disquisition " as- to whether Kelburne Park, Wellington, should have horse, or bone manure m its top-dressing.

[, Some of the retailers of de ice crema 'who trundle their barrows along divers gutters & the city ate unclean devils. "Critic" tiie other day saw a Dago drop | a wafer into the swimming gutter. It I flashed along a couple of feet, when it was suddenly pounced upon by the Greek, who rubbed it on bis pants, and retained it to its place. Now, accordiug to our bacteriological authorities, how many million germs were m that water.

An o.ld fellow who at the Oamaru Police Court recently was discharged on a charge of stealing a swag, told the SJVL that he was 91 years old, and that he'd spent somewhere about forty years. of his time m gaol. He said he'd left the Old* Man's Home to live with some Maoris at Moeraki, where he desired to die.. Hence these verses.

Let me die at Moeraki, .'Midst the Maoris and the sharks, 'Midst the wailing of the willows And the lilting of the larks. 1 'Midst the willow's woeful wail : Let me die at Moeraki, Though two score years I've lived m quod, I don't want to die m gaol.

There is considerable dryness between; the St. Kilda - Borough Council aud the Dunedin City Council on the matter oi extra fares being charged on the line when anything special is oil at Taliuna Park, and it is possible a test case will be started for the Supreme Court to wrestle with. The cars are ran on an agreement similar to those m lor.cc regarding thc-Karori and Mhramar (WeWi!>gtbn) services, and the bickering that takes place seems to be a universal condition m such agreements. In "Truth's" opinion, these little boroughs should be taken by the ear and made to amalgamate with the cities. . At present all the pompouslittle suburban borough bodies seem to bo eternally discussing their water, gas, or tramway agreements -with the crtws.

Recently m Dunedin was Miss TaJbot, secretary of the Victoria League. During the course of a lecture she said the knowledge about the colonies possessed by English folk was limited, and she pointed her remark by relating two incidents, which are said to have come under her notice. One was about an English boy who was surprised that a New 1 Zealand boy could speak the English language after only three weeks' residence, : and the other related to a recent emigrant to Australia, who went heavily armed so as to be ready for the natives. These tales show very well the ignorance ,of Miss Talbot regarding the colonies. If she had any knowledge at all' of New Zealand, she would know that the two tales mentioned hapc baen m use for years among supsrxai people who came from Hingland to lecture benighted New Ztealanders. • • .'■•. ■ ■ • ■ NO WOWSERS ALLOWED IN ST/-SSIA. The Anti-Alcohol Congress m Russia was promptly vetoed by the police, and when a number of individuals strove to carry it out despite the edict, twentyfour of the venturesome ones ware arrested. Oh, they haven't got any darned thus, any time, For the ways of the wowser m Russia ; The cold water doctrine they treat as a crime, And the law puts it down with a crosSer. If you can't do your vodka along with the best, And you start to get teetotal t»lk off your chest, Then the Lit We White Father soon maies an arrest, For he can't stand a wowser m Russia. Oh, they haven't got any darned use, any use, For the Frank Isitt talent m Russia ; And & maa -who can't swallow a fair crop . of juice— Well— he's only considered a slusber. If ye: ■cosve over there on the teetotal crings, And attempted their old vosted rights to impinge, Well, they'll give you some "ponjo," per means of syringe. For they'll ' get it there somehow m Russia.

Just picture our wowsers all lined m a row. As they line up the wowsers m Russia ; With their mouk«y-ttke chivvies distorted by woe, Shurc, an illigaut sight t 1 would . be, raasfra ! If they wouldn't recant and bow down to the dirt, And admit that a whisky don't do any hurt, Then we'd give 'em a drop through an extra large squirt, And transport 'em, post haste, to old Russia. «♦ • •

They are growing particular over m Cairo. The Khedive had to undergo quara»tine on his return from a pilgrimage. The Khedive returned from his trip to the East, Where his soul had been cleansed from all guile ; He was ready for heav'n, but the Customs High Priest All the same ma3e him wash m the Nile.