THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 217, 21 August 1909, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Ornoteunmovedhis mention m the Critic's ;>age? Parade his orror m tho jiublic oyo ? And Mother Grundy "s rage dofv ? Waisters — Lovers. Evil is .the infant, of A blind repairer ? An oculist. A sound investment} ? The telephone. What is the suffragette "movement" 1 'Tis the grub that makes the butter fly. « . * * Latter-day proverb— "Once bittsn, never shy." • • » Joan of d'Arc— The nightfall woman by the wayside. * ■ • « The expensiveness of vice is virtue's greatest safeguard. Give many a man rope enough, and he will hang his wife. The giving of advice is the cheapest form of philantrophy. * *■ . *■ Good resolutions arc simply an attempt to interfere with natural laws. A girl loves a man- to tell her he loves her so she can tell him she doesn't. Ballet girls, like elephants, are m a bad way when anything goes wrong with their trunks. • .*« . . * When "sport" — taken seriously— comes m at the door, work — taken seriously — flies out at the window. As soon as a hundred or so people get together, somebody is sure to take up a collection for something. A girl may have a' mole on her ankle and think nothing oi it, but let a mouse get there, and then — what ho ! During an equity suit at Hobart t'other day, which ... involved £20,01)0, tr.e Chief Justice referred to the waste of money involved by the parties failing to arrive at a compromise. One of the legal luminaries engaged warmly protested against' -the— learned v- Judge's -innuendo.-- -W'esAsitpjiiidfc'think .so. It was most unkind of his Honah tuus to cail the 'lamb's attention lo the pangs of its legal fleecing. • * W ile Beer-eaters m New Zealand will sympathise with their pals m li'n.qlan'i, where, according' to the cables, the" bad summer has seriously afxected the hop crop. At a pinch, we would have let the British beer-eater have some of our own swank, only for the fact that we never have enough as it is ; and the good old Wellington "biujcy" can't afford to be pinched even for the blasted Cockney. Truly, wonders "will never cease. One of . the city day-lies, commenting on tlw wreck of the steamer Maori', said she had a. cargo of steel rails, and m the very next breath announced that shs was breaking up, and that licr "car/ro was already afloat." Years ago people laughed at " the statement that iron would be made to float, but evidently the water is mucn wetter now than iit used to l:e. Efercelona, where the nuts come from, must be a pleasant place just- novr— to live out of. The revolutionaries there arc engaged m tiie pleasant occupation of dismembering their enemies, aud carrying the bodies,, legs, and arms of the victims on poles through the streets, to. the accompaniment of "Vivas !" and "The Marseillaise." Even Charley's Aunt would think twice about nut countries, whether Spanish or South American. They cracK skulls as .well as nuts. A scientific professor with haif the alphabet attached to his hindmost name, has been informing his classes that botli men and women give off certain colored rays, which rayr; by KCicntiilc processes can be made discernible. The hue or the ray differs according to the menial or spiritual development of the'inditiriual, and by these rays, presumably, men and women may choose their affinities. ii there's anything m his theory, the divorce courts may before long have to put up their shutters. .- * * BP* " Telegram's arc now being despatched from London to Karachi, at the mouth of the Indus River (India)— a distance •■;! 5532 miles — without intermediate handling. Thi« constitutes a record m long distance telegraphy, and also another move m the labor-abolishing direction so characteristic of these days of overproduction, slavery, and starvation ;' unrt as per usual the benefits will be all with the plutocratic push of pilferers from the public puree, who wouldn't dream of adding the time or money saved to their telegraphists' allowances, but will pocket it for official spree-ups, or pcihaps even to pay the military to down some Union or other that happens to murmur | against the bricks-without-straw system. ' The people's money to down the people, is the principle of pJuto. ' From Hokitika comes news of the death of Mr. John Maunder, one of the district's oldest residents. He was a nai tive of Wales, and 7-3 years of age, .44 j of which he had spent on the Wa-iti Coast. I A Westport paper recalls to mind the ! old days of the West Coast when the I Burgess and Sullivan c;ang, the notorious I bushrangers, were levying on all whom i they mat. Mr Maunder was the last man ■j who spoke, to George Dobson, who the jgans; murdered m mistake 'for a bank ! manager supposed by them to be returning from a polrt-buvin.s: expedition. It ■:cßins the late Mr Maunder was "stuck 1 up" by the waiiir.ee bushranners, and | when they found that they had pot hold j of the wronn; man. it wns proposed to do away with him, Burgess remarking that ■ "float! men toil no tales." Sullivan, hovv- ! cvur, objected ou the ground tho fc he wrs ! a poor, "old miner, and they had enough murders on their lunds already. and h?. I was allowed to .go his way. Mfr walk- ■ inp; a short, disianco. be met; Iho unfrrlunate man Dobson. lie told him to look out as ho had hern stuck up by the Wijrpjess p.ang. Dohson laughed and said they ] would do him no hurt, as ho had' noi thing on him worth taking, and pursued i his v.ac Mr Maunder shortly after j heard the shot which killed the poor fellow, but he could do nothing. All thay pot was' .some few shiHUijis from thenvictim. Mr Maunder had 'a remarkable escape, us aij the timn bo had uplands of 200 sovereigns strapped round hie body,

The . present .London cry?. Huzga \r—o* r -W"bei-ex&cfcf .A?Czar"r . W-* > — ■-'-■•.'' — • ' • When the cork comes out of the bottle the cat usually comes out of the bag. Many a woman worships the ground her husband walks on— when he x goes out. • m ts If poverty were a crime, more than half the human family would be chronic criminals. aw * w Circumstances alone cannot mane character ; but character alone can often create circumstances. There are so many fast young men these days that the big majority of maidens cannot catch one of them. There are many smart young women m this city. Some of them- can write with either hand. For instance, typewriters. When thieves fall out. they say honest men get their own ; but when honest men fall out, it is usually a case of blackeyes and nose-bleed. * * * The ' thrilling question, "What shall we do with, our boys?" has at last been answered : "Wanted, a clean, respectable boy i'or iyr'et sausages," runs an advertisement' m a provincial butchers- window. ">l'm afraid you're not heavy enough," said the sergeant lo the young man who. wanted to be a recruit. "We '.vant men who can ride over anything " "That's me !" interjected' the applicant. "I've been m the tram service lor live years . as motorman." ■ ■■ «. - • » . It is prophesied that when the earth's coal deposits have been exhausted, radium will be used to light up the wide, wide world. Science, the chief of tattlers, never -will' 'consent to keep things dark, and the. older she gets, the more meddlesome she' becomes. You can't beat some people for quarrelling with their bread and, butter. How ■<;hc Bible-banging tray-bit snavelling gang rave and rant -.about sin and sinners, and where would they be only for mo and you ? "You never hear the woolurcssers or shearers clamoring for the abolition of slieep, do, you ? Parsons are comical. James Sutcliffc, who appears occasionally m Christchurch Magistrate's Court as defendant, is liable to take a fit on the'.slighAest provocation^, and the provocation seems to be particularly strong whenever, James faces a Magistrate m the -witness-box. He was charged or. Tuesday with disobeying an order to provide for the maintenance of his missus, Kate, who didn't appear. On the last occasion that Kate appeared, .James glared at her with such ferocity m -the .Court passage that she took refuge ins'de. TII3 man is £3 12s m arrears. The orderly explained! that Sutclifiec-julYered from fits, and when questioned by the Magistrate, the defendant .said he was doino; anything lie could sret for a living. Unfortunately, he couldn't get. anything to do owin.s to thhse fits. Here, remarkable to relate, •James felt one coming on, and his faoi; contorted m a horrible manner, but no one went to his- assistance, r.nd he recovered. His wife, he said, had cleared out 'from him, with the remark, "I don't want- you to keep me ; I'll keep my self." Magistrate I-laselden r.diourncd tiie case for a month. Bruiser John -William Smith, who signed a false declaration to the effect that he had lost two medal pawn ticl-rnts which he had given to his trainer, PeterDunne, came up* for his gruel m Ciiristchurch Supreme Court on Tuesday, v.h;n the facts vvern placed before the Court. Just prior to his match with Jim Griffin, m which the accused was under dog, he borrowed ;£2 10s from Dunne, on the security of the pawn tickets. Then after the fight he represented to the pawnbroker that Ik- had lost ths . tickets, signed a declaration to that effect before a J.P., and collected the medals. Later Dunne ru'rivcrt at.the shop with the'tickets, and found an aching void where the medals ought to have been. Smith was arrested m Auckland and committed for trial. It was the intention of Smith to KWf.Tir that Dunne told him that he had lost the tickets, but, on thi 1 advice of Barrister -Donnelly, he admitted thii'acts, .subject 'to . a law point, raised by his counsel. This was to the effect that under section 2dS of the ehisticus of the Peace Act, a J. P. had only authority to take, a declaration under Form 50 of th-a Act, and the ancient form used by tho ftawn-broker didn't cc.nvoiy with this. The Crov/n Prosecutor submitted that- the words were not material to • the declaration, but Mr Justirn Denniston suid ha was very doubtful about that. His Honor understood that the case was not very serious, as Smith was a first offender" He reserved the point for consideration, and as it was undesirable that accused should be imprisoned whilst a point was being considered that might be decided m his favor, he was released on counsel undertaking to produce. him later. The success of two Christchurch young men who masqueraded as bobbies recently, gave t«'o others a profitable idea later. The Chinkics at Woolston who supply the greengrocers m Christchurch with' cabbageD and lettucee, were thrown into a state of terror the other night by the appearance of a uniformed peeler and a detective, who stated, peremptorily that they were going to search the house for opium. The four Chows m the building expostulated, but the person m shako and lone; overcoat produced what purported to be a revolver, and -.silenced opposition. No contraband drug was discovered, but the intruders dropped across the money hoard of an elderly Mongol, who was afraid to trust the banks. There, were some £20 m- silver, and this was ollicially seized and a receipt was given for the amount, with the intimation that China was to call found to the police station for the cash m \ the morning. The Yellow ancient duly put m an appearance, and was . reduced to a condition' of despair when the police told him they knew nothing of his accumulated savings. The cold eye of suspicion is cast by night upou all persons m blue. Next day at the races the Chows rushed the police m great excitement and pointed out a harmless young man named John William Smith as one of the pseudo policemen, and the astonished punter, who appears to he about twenty years of age and lives at Woolston, was duly apprehended. The authorities, from inquiries, however, believe the Chinkics have made a mistake, and Smith was liberated on his own recognisances by Magistrate Haselden. At the subsequent hearing, the Magistrate dismissed the coaoi and told Smith he left the Court without a stain on bis chajActcr*

It is said that a shady lady is never i COOI- ■-' ■•"■•;"• " ■ • ;.---■ . i Woman likes a man's impudence ; and he likes Her cheek. • * * » Every sinner has a . future, same as every saint has a past. » a . 6 Gilded sixpences are now m circulation. All is not gold that glitters. Shocking? The recent two sharp shocks of earthquake felt at Santarem, Portugal. The woman who declines to play anything but an upright piano carries her prudery too far. We are all sinners, though nowadays most of the sinners have left off being miserable about it. It doesn't follow that the tired candidate for Parliament, or every man. that stands or runs, secures the seat. It is dangerous for lovers to elope m a motor car. Cupid is apt to send an arrow after them and cause a puncture. The following inscription appears, on a stone m a Melbourne suburban chapel '■— "This stone was laid by the Rev. E. T. Egg-" «• • * . . In spite of all the homilies Of preachers and exhorters. Men often leave their better halves In quest of better quarters. You never hear a man own , up to anything of the < kind,' but it is -a paraiiser the number of lj^dies one meets around the town at night who are looking for a "friend." . , , . A "vag." .the other day at Gisborne informed the Beak that he had money m the hank. An examination of his bankbook showed that he had the overwhelming sum of a brown to his credit. ; . A small town boy was sent to his uncle to learn fanning, and the old man proceeded to show him how to. milk, .a cow. The' boy pleaded piteously that he : was afraid of cows and might begin on ! a. calf. APART OR TOGETHEIt. A versifier m "London Truth" Is prompted to the following by letters that have been appearing m the press there oiv the holidays- • of- ■ married people : — • Letter No. I". What ? From my Ned six weeks apart ? 'Twerc pain acute, not pleasures — The darling of my doting heart, My own .marital treasure ! Such severance — I'm against it dead. — Yours, Angelina ftcwiyvrcd. Letter No. 11. My John's a very worthy man, Prosaic, heavy, podgy, Constructed on* the solid plaii, The stodgiest of the stodgy ; His conversation, like his face, Is smug and dull and commonplace. His size I've ta'en from top to toe, As closely as a cutter ; Before .he ope& his lips I knew Exact/ y what he'll" utter. Six weeks' relief from him pure biisu is To yours v. truly, Ten-years-Mrs. Letter No. 111. Disgraceful ! Silly, too, I say ! A holiday would be To James no sort of holiday, If spent auarfc from Me. Eke is there no "Connubii lex" ? — Yours, Dictatoria Pullet-Pecks. Letter No. IV. (From James Meekleigh P.-P., husband ot the foregoing — 'to be read between the lines.) My wife's remarks I quite endorse. (I iwren't do otherwise.) 1 love her with 'unmeasured force ; (And can't escape her eyes.) She's at my elbow now, of course. ! (And makes me write these lies.) SIR JOE AND THE '-TIMES." The "Times" suggests that funds votsti by i\'ew Zealand and Australia cnuld be more profitably applied to cruisers fitted for the Australian Station. When The attention of Sir .Joseph Ward was called to the .suggestion of the '"Times" he expressed the belief that the New Zealand Govcmni'-.'iL would not favor it. — London Cable. Please, let this new proposal drop, • Don't mention it again-, This "Times" suggestion will be crushed By God's own countrymen. That silly rag must have a rat, To think that. Maoriland Requires advice on any theme, When Joseph Ward's on hand. You folk m little England May listen to the "Times," And bow before the "Thunderer," And dances to all his rhymes •; But down m our Dominion We're made of sterner stuff, And when we have made up our minds, 'Tis no use trying bluff. We've offered you a Dreadnought, And if you dare to flinch, We'll ram that Dreadnought down your j necks Before we budge an inch ! •The battle flag of. Freedom : Don't 'wave o'er iis in* vain — Down there, m God's Own Country, Our talk is straight and plain. You think, perhaps, because the Flag • Was torn the other day In Christchurch, we's r e no loyalty In Maoriiarid— but, say [You'll very quick discover i (Unless you're extra dense) I Thai our much-boomed Dominion has I More loyalty than sense. j In Maoriland we've not much cause ! For church bells' joyful chimes— i Hut, (hank the Lord, so far we've missed Dictation by the "Times." It is most d- — d impertinent To take that vulgar tone About our gift— 'twill be a gift I If we can raise the loan ! I\i like just here to warn you all. ! That we're superior folk, [ Arc not at all the sort of exowd ; To bow beneath your yoke. Now, wouldn't you look foolish '■ (Perhaps the "Times" would, too) llf "God's Owd Country" kept -her ship, 1 And came— and. conquered you l